There’s been a shift recently in how I feel about my body.
Last weekend my boyfriend and I were getting ready for a theatre date night and I wanted to wear one of my summer dresses that I hadn’t worn since October. It didn’t fit. I couldn’t zip it up around my top half. And I broke. I burst into tears and it ruined my mood for the rest of the evening.
This was the final straw in a long string of things that over the months have been making me feel shitter and shitter about my body. A few months ago, I tried on one of my favourite dresses and it didn’t fit. I’ve been spilling out of my bras and had to buy loads of new bras and bikinis that actually fit me. That was a depressing day.
My body is just not the same as it used to be. There are only 2 reasons for this that I can think of.
- Hormonal changes since coming off the pill in July 2016. I can pretty much date the weight gain from then.
- Metabolism changes because I’m now 25. Every woman I’ve spoken to has said they’ve gone through a “second puberty” in their mid-twenties and gained weight.
I have my mum’s body now, except I haven’t had 2 children. (Nothing wrong with that, my mum looks banging).
The weird thing though is that I didn’t even notice the weight gain. I think I look the same. My proportions haven’t really changed. I’m still massive boobs, big arse, small waist. I’ve just extended a few inches. And I don’t fit into any of my clothes.
I’m in Menorca right now on a working holiday and a couple days before I thought fuck I haven’t worn summer clothes in MONTHS, I doubt I fit into any of them anymore. And I was right. I tried on a bunch of my clothes and the morning before my flight I rushed around shops to find a pair of denim shorts that fitted me. I’d gone up 2 UK sizes. Fuck me. How did I not notice this happening?
But here’s the catch. When I look at myself in the mirror in clothes, I hate my body. I feel awful. Unsexy. Undesirable. But when I look at myself in the mirror naked I think I look gorgeous. I love my body. I’m sexy and curvy.
I tweeted about not fitting into my clothes and someone replied saying that the way to make yourself feel better about your body is to not put pressure on yourself to try and change your body to fit into your old clothes but to buy new clothes that actually fit.
And I think this is what I’m going to do. When I have some spare time, I’m going to go through all my clothes and anything that doesn’t fit me or doesn’t make me feel good I’m going to give to charity. Then figure out what’s missing and go shopping. Even though I hate shopping.
I’ve not 100% come to terms with it internally yet but I have to keep telling myself: this is my body now and that’s fine.
What are you body confidence tips and advice? I need them right now. Let me know in the comments.