I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was having a really bad day mentally. I still want to post it but I need to say beforehand that I’ve felt a lot better recently. Maybe because I’ve been a bit busier and finally booked a holiday! But these feelings are still real and some days I feel them more than others. Also, I was feeling pretty shit the few days leading up to writing this and then the day after I wrote it I got my period. So… maybe my sadness and frustration was heightened by hormones. Who knows!? Anyway, here’s the post about admitting my mental health is not okay.
The day I was discharged from hospital my body was still incredibly weak. I could barely walk but when I did I was extremely slow, I struggled going up stairs, my back was hunched over all the time and everything hurt. However, knowing that I was leaving hospital after FOUR WEEKS kicked my body into overdrive. The adrenalin had me smiling and walking with energy I didn’t realise I had. My parents were staring at me, worried and confused, as I walked out of the hospital doors 6 times to get the perfect boomerang thinking, what has happened to our sickly daughter. Then the moment we got to Dan’s dad’s house, I crashed.
Well, I’ve crashed again. Although this time not physically. Mentally.
Immediately after surgery I felt elated because my diseased colon was no longer inside me making me so ill. I was excited and terrified when I was discharged from hospital and 2 days later I was so happy to be finally going back home to my flat in London. I was so happy. My being ill in hospital days were behind me. My boyfriend and I could actually cuddle at night! I could see my friends. I could play video games, order Deliveroo, wear my own clothes, make YouTube videos. Again, I was so happy.
But it’s been a few months now and all those things have worn off. The happy adrenalin has left my system and I’m just left with feeling sad, hopeless, frustrated, bored and sad again. My mental capacity to work hasn’t recovered yet, other than being active on YouTube and making videos every other big project or work thing feels totally overwhelming. So I’m not very busy at the moment and I just spend a lot of days at home by myself feeling shit, being unproductive, then feeling shit for being unproductive, having a good cry then maybe doing a social activity in the evening which on the surface makes me happy again.
Today (the day I’m writing this) was the first time I admitted to myself that I’m not okay. I knew I was feeling low but I just thought that was because of work and not being able to do things and focus properly. But no, turns out I’m having a bad time adjusting to this new life. I don’t want it, I don’t want this stoma. I want to go back to “normal”. After I admitted to myself that I wasn’t feeling great I messaged my friends in our group chat. What is it about telling someone, even writing it out for someone else to read? As soon as I did that I just burst into tears and immediately called my boyfriend sobbing down the phone. I’m so grateful for the support system I have in my friends, family and partner.
Maybe this is a bit of a self-indulgent post, HERE ARE MY FEELINGS. But now I’ve admitted this to myself and the people around me know what’s going on, it’ll make things easier moving forward. I’m not expecting to feel better over night just because I’ve told someone but I don’t have to suffer alone anymore. I’m not okay right now. But that’s okay. And I will get through this.