I wrote this blog at the beginning of June and meant to post it but then I had an unexpected hospital visit. But reading it over, I still want to post it. Now that I’ve had another surgery I probably shouldn’t beat myself up as much about being unproductive. I’m back in recovery again, I’m allowed to have lie ins and play video games all day. But I know that sooner or later I’ll start to feel like I should be more productive but I can’t be because my body and mind are simply not there yet.
Anyway, here’s what happens when a workaholic, productive nerd has surgery that takes them out of action for a long frickin’ time:
Wednesday 6th June 2018
It is June. We are half way through 2018 and I can’t say I’ve really achieved anything this year. I feel like I have nothing to show for myself.
I am a naturally self-motivated person. My parents never had to prompt me to do my homework because it was already done. And in school I was such a teacher’s pet (not just because I fancied my maths teacher).
When I had surgery in January I was not prepared for how long the physical recovery would be. And I was definitely not prepared for the mental recovery. I can’t concentrate on work for long periods of time anymore. My focus is all over the place. The idea of big projects is still really daunting. They say you do most of your recovery in your sleep and 5 months on I’m still needing 10 hours of sleep at night.
I don’t want to be lazy. Spending hours in bed in the morning and then wasting time all day playing video games and not doing any work is not me! I don’t want to be that person. But I am right now.
Whenever I tell people that I feel like I’m being unproductive and lazy they rightly say to me, “you’ve just gone through major surgery you’re allowed to give yourself a break!” But how long am I allowed to give myself a break for?
I know this may sound ridiculous to you. But I feel so down whenever I’m not productive. I punish myself for being lazy and worthless. I’ve heard that frustration comes from the gap between your reality and what you desire. For me that gap is bigger than it’s ever been and I can’t see it closing any time soon.
I have all these ideas running around in circles in my head and I want to do something about them. To be honest, I thought I was getting better. When I was in Austria for the seminar I had to actually set an alarm and wake up every day to go to the workshops. But that ruined me. I was tired and I had no energy for socialising in the evenings. Every break we had I spent lying down to try and re-charge.
I thought about turning a new page now I’m home. Actually setting an alarm each morning like I used to and getting up and starting my day. But nope. First day I tried this I accidentally turned off my alarm instead of snooze (I NEVER DO THIS) and then slept until 10:30am and didn’t get out of bed until 1pm.
This isn’t me! I hate this!
I know that no-one except me expects anything from me right now. It’s all coming from me. The self-criticism and the self-punishment.
But the thought that keeps spiralling in my head is – what if this isn’t me recovering from surgery and a major health crisis anymore? What if this is just how I am now? What if I’m a lazy person? I hate this thought spiral. My friends have said to me that if I’m still feeling this way, sleeping loads and being unproductive one year from surgery then they’ll intervene but for now everyone is saying it’s fine.
But it doesn’t feel fine to me. Maybe I’m an over-achiever who puts too much pressure on herself. Actually yes, it’s definitely that. I feel so good when I’m working I love it. But then the pit I fall into when I’m in an unproductive rut is awful. Obviously, I would get the odd day like this before my flare up but now it’s most days.
The last 5 months have felt like lost time. A waste of time. I know this seems dramatic but it’s how I feel.
I’m trying (really I am trying) to let go when I have a down day. To forgive myself for being “lazy” and give my body and my brain the time they need. But I’m just finding it hard.
Have you ever felt this way? How do you trick yourself into being or feeling productive?
![I bloody love London. I’m not sure if I’ll ever leave. [skirt gifted from @pocheposh]](http://scontent-frt3-1.cdninstagram.com/vp/5ab32db6d940a735e7aee68c5215837a/5DB3C561/t51.2885-15/sh0.08/e35/c0.180.1440.1440/s640x640/66526628_987911064933965_2773216116778810581_n.jpg?_nc_ht=scontent-frt3-1.cdninstagram.com "I bloody love London. I’m not sure if I’ll ever leave. [skirt gifted from @pocheposh]")
![During all my travels this month I went to a yoga class with my family in Manchester. The studio had some work out clothes for sale and I saw this two piece and tried it on, bought it there & then and wore it to the yoga class!! 🌻🌻🌻💛💛💛 (the top bit is so small and only works over a sports bra on me, not sure if I could get away with it as a normal top over a normal bra) hmmmmm 👀 what is your one weakness when it comes to impulse purchases? Mine is sunflowers 🌻 [EDIT: actually a THREE piece! Can you see the scrunchie??]](http://scontent-frt3-1.cdninstagram.com/vp/1c8dfeff8e0db1e89e85ba30cf23a9c7/5DCAB6C8/t51.2885-15/sh0.08/e35/c0.180.1440.1440/s640x640/62589196_2079529185686293_2207866588124861769_n.jpg?_nc_ht=scontent-frt3-1.cdninstagram.com "During all my travels this month I went to a yoga class with my family in Manchester. The studio had some work out clothes for sale and I saw this two piece and tried it on, bought it there & then and wore it to the yoga class!! 🌻🌻🌻💛💛💛 (the top bit is so small and only works over a sports bra on me, not sure if I could get away with it as a normal top over a normal bra) hmmmmm 👀 what is your one weakness when it comes to impulse purchases? Mine is sunflowers 🌻 [EDIT: actually a THREE piece! Can you see the scrunchie??]")
![On a train back to London after lots of travel back & forth. I’m very hungry & forgot to fill up my water bottle - which, if you watch my new video you’ll know IS NOT GOOD IF YOU DON’T HAVE A LARGE INTESTINE. I get dehydrated very easily so will have to buy a plastic bottle damn 🙈 I’ve not been very active on insta whilst travelling & filming (except posting #latergrams) but hi this is me now. My new video about what I eat with a stoma is now live 💩 how are you??? 💛 [earrings gifted from @eejewellery, use code HANNAH for 10% off #affiliate]](http://scontent-frt3-1.cdninstagram.com/vp/c877ba61d3a6dd454c3f1d2a9755f6fe/5DE80C3F/t51.2885-15/sh0.08/e35/c0.180.1440.1440a/s640x640/65911927_146026423145613_6746642612021401548_n.jpg?_nc_ht=scontent-frt3-1.cdninstagram.com "On a train back to London after lots of travel back & forth. I’m very hungry & forgot to fill up my water bottle - which, if you watch my new video you’ll know IS NOT GOOD IF YOU DON’T HAVE A LARGE INTESTINE. I get dehydrated very easily so will have to buy a plastic bottle damn 🙈 I’ve not been very active on insta whilst travelling & filming (except posting #latergrams) but hi this is me now. My new video about what I eat with a stoma is now live 💩 how are you??? 💛 [earrings gifted from @eejewellery, use code HANNAH for 10% off #affiliate]")
Hi Hannah,
I’m currently in recovery from surgery too (much less serious and shorter time) but still recognise this so much. I have been checking my work emails and have found it hard to shut off.
Thank you for being so open it’s so helpful.
You are being really productive in terms of your recovery, the necessary self-care to allow your body to recover and to build up your energy and confidence is the best foundation possible to be your usual motivated self going forward. I know its hard in the moment and feels very much counter productive but this is a stage of being productive in what may be deemed as ‘boring self-care’ which can often feel mind numbing to anyone who is usually always busy and constantly pushing forward but its an essential part of your recovery and building towards getting back to feeling like yourself again, as opposed to rushing back into and quickly losing confidence.
I had a similar situation after struggling with glandular fever, which turned out to be chronic fatigue and then the general anxiety disorder that joined the party afterwards but I built slowly and now I feel like myself again and I feel a better person for the journey.
Try making a daily to do list that includes work goals & recovery goals (just like have a nap, get a manicure, schedule a doctors app etc). Hopefully that will help you move forward with work things, but also help you acknowledge that recovery IS work so you are already working hard. I find to do lists are a good way to measure progress and make me feel productive. Hope it all goes well! X
Hey, I can definitely relate to this. Though I have not experienced surgery of any kind , I do know the feeling of being down when you are unproductive.
You definitely should allow yourself some time off. But doing that non stop is evident ally not making things better for you. So work with it. Do tiny little things each day that make you feel productive. Have you been meaning to, idk, clear out your kitchen cabinets? Do a bit each day. Go out for groceries. I don’t know. But keep it tiny and keep it low key and then ever so slowly try to build up your strength. Don’t expect from yourself that you’ll be able to have a full productive day. Because you just won’t be able to! And you’ll feel disappointed if you do expect that of yourself.
Anyway loads of rambling. Start small. Tiny little productive things each day. Stop when you need to. Then build up slowly.
And I really admire you for being able to pull through all of this! 🙂
I get what you mean, because (although it’s nowhere near the recovery of surgery!) I’ve found that I get unproductive and lazy when my mental health is bad.
I find that making really basic to-do lists with stuff I would probably do anyway, always helps.
e.g. read a chapter of my book, have a shower, make lunch, brainstorm a blog idea….
Although they might not be revolutionary things they help to give you a sense of achievement whilst you’re recovering!
Hope you feel better soon!
Rach
http://www.gathertherosebuds.com
I was never a particularly motivated or energetic person- but after a crohns diagnosis in january and months of being really unwell and constantly drained of energy (iron deficiency from blood loss and pain exhaustion) and then adjusting to immunosuppressants I’ve found myself even more ‘lazy’ and just too exhausted to get a lot done physicality or mentally. I didn’t even have surgery so am embarrassed about what a toll that flare up and meds have taken on my body and it really manifests in self hatred and shame. I’m just trying to take it slowly, make sure i do something every day that makes me feel productive even if it’s make a meal or read a book or draw- or a walk around the block. It’s so hard especially with invisible illnesses to forgive yourself for unproductivity. But your story has helped so much and our vaguely similar timeline has helped me- at least 2018 has been an unproductive poo-filled mess for a few of us. Sending love x
Totally get what you are feeling. Working a 9 to 5 the lazy part of me wishes that I could do that and sleep in and play video games all day but I know that as soon as I take a holiday for more than a few days at home I just feel bored and anxious and a need to be productive.
You’ve always said that you taught yourself many little talents over the years while taking breaks from studying. Maybe you can do something like that! Use your time to do something “useful”, that has a purpose. Like knitting! Or drawing! Or making jewelry. Anything that will keep you fingers occupied and your brain stimulated without completely draining you. I’ve never had surgery, so i don’t know how you feel but as I’m reading it, it reminds me A LOT to how I feel when I’m depressed. It always takes me a while to stop the cycle of sleeping all morning and watching tv all afternoon after a depresive episode and small hobbies seem to help. I no longer feel worthless, because even if I don’t have the energy to “get back to normal” I’m still doing *something*. I hope it helps and if it doesn’t, something will. You won’t be “recovery Hannah” forever. Lots of love ❤️
Hi Hannah! I know that this isn’t quite the same as what you’ve been through, but I went through a pretty rough depressive episode for about 5 months recently during my first year at university, as a result of which I barely ever went into uni (even when it was compulsory) as I was just too paralysed by insecurity and anxiety to the point I didn’t leave my bed most days. Looking back at that time, I’m still really struggling to come to terms with it. Over my gap year last year I spent 9 months working 70-80 hour weeks, going 4 months at a time without a single day off or sleep in, and I LOVED IT (so I think it’s safe to say that I’m a bit of a workaholic lol). So to go from that extreme to staying in bed all day, it still eats away at me that I lost all of that productivity, didn’t socialise with my friends, I just totally isolated myself.
Looking back, I think something that did really help me through was setting myself a task to complete every day, even if it was a tiny thing like doing my laundry, or cleaning up my desk, or cooking myself a meal. I realise that it doesn’t sound like much, but at least at some point in each day you had a glimmer of that feeling of productivity that you thrive off of.
Something else that I found helped was getting a little weekend job of swimming teaching for a few hours every Sunday morning. Having a commitment like that, where my need to find energy to do something went above and beyond me, really helped me scrape together the effort and focus required to do my job just as well as my colleagues. As well as that, it gave me a sense of normalcy, and reminded of when I was working over my gap year. I don’t know how capable you are of committing to something, but if you are able to, it might help just to have a small commitment every few days or every week, such as helping at a shelter nearby or volunteering in a charity shop, just something where forcing yourself to focus isn’t just for you, it’s to help others.
Again, I realise that my experience completely lacked the physical difficulties that you are experiencing, but I hope that at least some small part of this message helped. I really hope you get better soon, just keep remembering that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that you will get better, you will feel like you again.
Yes, I have felt like that. Not because of illness, but because of my pregnancy. I had THE WORST pregnancy, all topped by Hyperemesis gravidarum. I felt so down, because I thought society expected me to be all happy and blissed out, when in fact I hated almost every second. I couldn’t do much. I am a highly motivated self employed person and had to let go of lots money making oportunities, because I felt so unwell. I just couldn’t. I was in bed all day, watching Netflix. I felt useless and powerless. People around me said it’s fine, you’re growing a human, but I was so angry and down because I couldn’t enjoy my pregnancy like “others”. 7 weeks ago I gave birth to a perfect little boy and had the best birthing experience. Now I feel proud and happy and I have accepted that pregnancy isn’t happy clappy for everybody. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and “weak”, it’s what your body is right now, Hannah. I wish you a good recovery, physically and mentally. x
Hey Hannah,
I’m in your boat.
I had major spinal surgery in February after a year of being more or less immobile and unable to work (I’m a scientist).
I was on the mend, like you, then my gallbladder decided to attack me and I’ve spent most of the last 6 weeks in hospital culminating in my cholecystectomy last Tuesday.
Now I’m back to square one with no abdominal strength or back strength as both sides of me have now been surgically wounded and are healing.
i desperately want to be working, or at least productive. But every time I push my mind and body push back.
I don’t know exactly how you feel, but it’s pretty damned close and we both need to give ourselves a break.
Hope everyday is a little step forward.
X
I know exactly hope you feel! I went through 2 years of chemo and then a stem cell transplant and recovery straight out of my first year of uni. I don’t think I ever adjusted to that mindset of feeling unproductive even on the days where I physically couldn’t stand up, and the recovery was (and kind of still is?) so so long that I did wonder if it was my new normal. But I just graduated with a first class degree, which doesn’t happen unless you work your tits off, and throughout third year I was consistently getting up at 6:30 am which seemed completely inconceivable when I was deep in recovery. I’m not sure I know how to trick yourself into feeling productive (a new, easy hobby maybe, with no pressure?) but I just want to reassure you that your mojo will be back eventually – you’re still the person you were before all the shit went down! 💙
My brain felt so excited and goal oriented all the time when I got home from my transplant. I knew I still had another 2 months, but needed 3, of not doing much and just healing. I felt I was spoiled! Chaufered, preferred parking, empathy and care from my friends. I did go back to work eventually. Can I do all the things I used to do? Without injuring myself? My new life started and new ways of taking care of myself and tasks. It took me awhile to just take it day by day, not guilt myself for not doing this or that because I used to do it. I hope you can be a little easier on yourself.
Hi, I got glandular fever last summer which lasted months and am now struggling with chronic fatigue. I completely understand the uncomfort at being lazy. Chill wasn’t in my lifestyle much before I got ill. My version of lazy was doing yoga instead of go for a run or read a book for my degree in my free time. I would say although it’s taken me a long time I’ve tried not to trick myself as such into being productive but accepting that “slow me” is actually productive in itself. I made a list of all the things being ill has had a positive effect on me and what it has allowed me to do (I guess in a productive way) instead of what it has restricted. For example, I’ve become more observant with small things because sometimes I can’t do anything more than lie down and rest, or that I’m more ok with people doing things for me. Learning to let go was/is hard but I’m getting there. I think the key is not trying to see it as surrendering to recovery (being lazy) but soaking up all the “unproductive” time and using it to charge. Like a big weird lizard thing. It feels like forever, and I get that, but it’s not if you believe it’s not. Anyway I rattled on a bit there but hope that helps xx
First of all, I’m so a workaholic too, however I never had such a hard recovery time from a surgery. But sometimes during log holidays I tend to feel really lazy and I HATE it.
What I try to do is set small goals for myself, even starting with “taking a shower in the morning”, “read a chapter”, “listen to a podcast” because when you feel the satisfaction of achieving things again (crossing things from your list), getting back on track feels so much easier ! And you do not feel worth less anymore 🙂 but make sure you put your health first and it’s really important to listen to your body in order to then achive things, because if you are tired all day long you won’t be able to achieve anything anyway !
It’s not mental and it’s not you, Hannah. I completely understand. You aren’t lazy. It’s deeply physical. With the surgery you had, you will find it harder than the average person to feel “normal”. Digestion is super important to mental and overall health. Proper absorption of nutrients and electrolytes is crucial. Please do try some ripe fruit or fresh vegetable juice in the morning. Take all the time you need. Some of my mental health problems have cleared up unexpectedly after freshening up my diet a bit. Do NOT think you are lazy; you know who you are and with a bit of help from yourself, you can get back to your normal.
Hey Hannah, this post really struck a chord with me. I have a progressive disability so nowadays I can’t walk, make food by myself, dress myself… etc etc. With the help of a carer these things don’t matter as much as they could. The one thing that drives me utterly crazy is my lack of energy these days. I graduated last year and there’s so much I want to do but I can’t keep my focus or energy going through the day. One busy day needs 5 days of recovery – argh!
I’m still trying to work out the answer to all this, but just want to say you’re not alone, you’re not lazy, not worthless. You can do this one day at a time – just keep praising yourself for the things you do do, even if on some days that’s just having a shower!
Hugs for you 🙂
I know so well how you feel as I ve been sick most of my adult life. I always been someone who live to learn and be productive ( I’m also a creative as I m jewelry designer) but my condition has forced me to pace myself more than *normal* person. I used to push myself all the time and try to trick myself into working too much then crash terribly thinking it was the only way to have a successful life and put that mindset had put my health to risk so many tules that I had to re-evaluate my values and learn that my productivity does not define my self worth. It was and still is the hardest life lesson for me. Recovering and getting better is sometimes a full time job and it’s important to realize how much efforts you put into this. You achieved so much in your life already. So I will not give you tips on how to trick your mind because I feel like it’s in a way a quite unhealthy behavior ( It has been for me at least) instead I want to encourage you to allow yourself to not be productive and embrace it. I know it’s hard and society tells you that it’s being a failure but It’s not! At least you have the hope of getting better one day ( I don’t have that chance sadly). I send you all my love and courage.
Thank you for posting this.
I’ve been there and it is
hard….
I would also often try to do too much too soon and end up overdoing it then be back at square one, which was always incredibly frustrating.
So many people have written about changing the benchmarks for achievements which is super useful.
Also, is being lazy necessarily a bad thing? There are so many things that wouldn’t have been invented if people weren’t at least a little bit lazy 🙂 (vacuum cleaners, dishwashers…)
Hey Hannah!
I feel you, everything you are feeling is completely valid and relatable. I would strongly suggest going to therapy. I think (as you mentioned) that you are putting your self worth into your productiveness, when your self worth is there, untouched. It’s unconditional. But I can not convince you of that! You have to see that for yourself and perhaps restructure some thoughts, so maybe therapy could help.
Sending you lots of good wishes (I really like your content and have liked it for years!)
Wow Hannah, I feel so similar. At the moment I’m recovering from, not as a serious surgery, but I literally can’t move most of the time. I’m constantly beating myself up about not being able to do anything productive. And it’s often not just that’s i physically can’t, but I’m just so exhausted. Everyone around me is telling me that that’s expected but it feels so wrong. Thank you so much for sharing your story ❤️💞❤️
I have multiple chronic illnesses that has changed me from an over achieving productive student to a 22 year old living at home with her parents. This whole blog post of yours resonated so strongly with me. I feel seen and not like the only one experiencing this reality. And you. You are not alone in feeling this way. Love & hugs
I have found that just a 15-minute walk can completely transform my day/mood. If my brain is too cloudy or too empty or I haven’t moved all day, i get up and walk outside (no phone) and it’s normally not too difficult to talk myself into 15 minutes
Hi Hannah! I actually had surgery (a hysterectomy, eeek!) just four days after yours last month. I’m so restless and bored, and absolutely feeling the guilt of being unproductive. The past few days, I’ve been trying to fill my time with something other than social media. I’ve been watching random movies on Netflix, and some comedy specials (Nanette, of course, and I would highly recommend Cameron Esposito’s Rape Jokes). I’ve also been using Duolingo to brush up on my Spanish, which doesn’t take too much brain power but at least feels more useful than a game. I hope you can find little things like this to help! And heal up quickly!
Hello- I can’t exactly relate to your position but I can understand it somehow through my own experiences. I think an important piece of information I learned in my disability studies course some months ago was that productivity is deeply, deeply engrained into society, which leaves out anyone who can’t, at any time, be that definition of productive. That may be where the self punishment is coming from? But really, there are different forms of productivity and pragmaticism (unsure if that’s a word, but yea) that don’t necessarily fit the main definition. Like others have said, taking care of yourself is the most productive and invest-ful thing you can do right now, and it’s not your fault for feeling otherwise. Take care xx
Hi Hannah!
I’m not sure if you read all your comments, but I have been struggling with this so much lately and figured I’d offer my advice on how I’m dealing with it on a mental health front. I recently left a job that was VERY toxic (a man called me the “C” word) and it left me completely depleted. I’m currently unemployed and went into it thinking I’d finally do ALL the things I’ve wanted to do. Instead I’m sleeping 10 hours a day, playing a Harry Potter game on my phone and watching so.much.netflix. I struggled with feeling super guilty, so I made to do list of tiny tasks. It did not work at all. My body doesn’t want to move and my brain doesn’t want to get up, so I switched my list around. Instead of make a to-do, I know write an accomplishments list. Basically I write down all the things I’ve done for the day. (yesterday I included clipping finger nails) and when I feel like shit, I can look at my list and when I REALLY feel like shit, I tell my bf (also named Dan) and I send him my list and he congratulates me.
I have found todo lists make me feel very pressured and if I don’t finish every single thing I get upset. Switching my lists makes me focus more on what I can do instead of what I can’t/don’t.
This has helped more than anything else I’ve tried. I hope you start feeling better soon. You will certainly not be “lazy” forever. It’s not who you are.
Hiya Hannah,
My mum had an illeostomy years ago when I was just a wee girl. Years down the line she still sleeps 10+ hours a day (not just from surgery she had other things wrong it was 15 years ago!) but basically you’re allowed to have as long as you need and frustrating though it may be there’s no point in pushing too far and setting yourself back (I’m sure you know this). My mum might not be the healthiest or most productive human all the time but she’s still my idol!
I can definitely relate to certain components of this post. Feeling unproductive and “lazy” for long stretches of time can be destructive to the mind. Especially, if the feeling is a long-stretch from your usual baseline. I remember the year after high school (highest form of free-public non-college/university education int he United States) a lot of what you described was me, only I didn’t have anyone to rely on during that time. I’d gotten into all three of my favoured universities (my no.1 picked me! – so exciting!) but due to difficult family finances, I had to defer my enrollment for a whole year.
And during that time the job market wasn’t kind so I wasn’t even able to find work to occupy a majority of my time. It left me feeling like such a waste of space in my own home. I wasn’t productive and I didn’t feel like I was contributing at home or in society in any valuable way. I spiralled down a really DARK hole and had some very scary mental thoughts. Suffice to say, the only way I got through that period was with time. Time, and trying my best to remember that this one year wasn’t all there was. That I actually DID have a light at the end of the tunnel. I would still be going to school and pursuing my education, it was just going to take me a little longer than others.
Maybe in your situation, the same “light at the end of the tunnel” can be applied? Like your friends and probably everyone else has echoed, you went through pretty big surgery and then had another operation months into your recovery. Your body (and ESPECIALLY your mind) need time. More importantly, they need your patience. Which is super frustrating when you’re not used to sitting around on a daily basis.
I would recommend, if possible, starting off small. Try to do something productive every day but in small increments. Maybe one day you’ll write/sketch out ideas/roughly draft projects for 15-30 minutes at a time. You’ll do that once or twice in the mornings and then allow yourself to indulge in leisure activities for the rest of the day. You can cap off your evenings/nights by answering a couple emails. You’ve still done something productive to finish your day but it wasn’t strenuous for your mind or body. And slowly week by week (or month) you can increase those increments.
As for the in bed all day dilemma; maybe look at the average time your waking up daily and give yourself a week to try and scale that back by at least an hour (or even just 30 minutes). Again try doing that in increments. One week you go from 12 pm to 11:30/11am and so on. And be super kind to yourself even if you don’t get it on the first or second or even third try. You’re trying and that’s the most you can ask of yourself right now.
I was a straight A student in secondary school, then a B+/A- student in my architecture degree, which I did not graduate from due to a nervous breakdown. I didn’t allow myself to be ill and recover, and as a result I have been ‘In Recovery’ since 2015. I have learnt that our productivity is not all that we are, and values/skills like kindness, empathy and compassion are so much more important than anything I produced in my degree. There are worse things to be than lazy, and being ill and in bad habits is not the same as laziness anyway. We just “gotta keep on keeping on.” We will get there.
Hi Hannah,
Yes yes and yes, I have struggled with this problem!!! I am addicted to being busy, I love it, I thrive off it!! I used to feel so guilty if I had a lie in because it felt like a waste of time and I didn’t want any time to be wasted, Everything I did had to be productive even resting because then it went I would be productive later and I was rationale enough to see that I needed to rest! But I would feel so guilty if I ever had a lazy day if I woke up late I would feel so unmotivated for the rest of the day, if I woke up early I would feel like I was in control of everything and feel really good about myself. I had therapy from November to June this year and realised I was like this and am starting to try and be kinder to myself and rationalise things more. For me, things arent great when I dont have a lot to do because then I dont have a distraction and my mind will start to overthink, so when I ever didnt do a lot I would start to feel really down and I would get stuck in a rut of unproductiveness and feeling low and worthless. I just needed to learn balance, balance is literally the key to everything!!! learn how to balance being productive and resting, in your own terms which for you is recovering, you will never be as productive as you were before surgery right now so you cant give yourself the same expectations you need to learn to balance things with your situation right now. Be kind to yourself, are you going to get anything from being cruel to yourself? Being kind to yourself will make you feel more confident and therefore prepared to start doing more things when you are ready.
Keep going, you have had such a tough year and you are handling it so well.
As long as you achieve what you need to achieve then laziness should be welcomed. Recovery time is also different for everyone after going through any stressful situation.
Hey Hannah. I definitely know how you feel about being unproductive. Last December I had a brief bout of depression that caught be super off-guard and my instinct to beat myself up for not being productive really exacerbated the issue. This summer I’ve been in a similar situation as the one that catalysed my depression last winter, and one thing that’s been helping me is making little tiny to-do lists the night before and then having something to check off the next day.
If I’m feeling good it might be a to-do list like I would write on a normal day, but if it I was feeling poorly it would be “eat breakfast” and, like, “put on nail polish” and that sort of thing. Just the act of checking off a few things in my normal way (I use an app) makes me feel like less of a failure, because once I’ve finished the list I habitually understand that I’ve done everything I needed to do and so feel less pressure to have done more than I did.
Granted, I haven’t had the displeasure of a major surgery to add to these feelings, but I can definitely relate to feeling as though you’re never doing enough, or you’re not allowed to relax.
I personally blame my upbringing. I grew up with a father who rarely takes the breaks he should, and while I do believe he was trying to instill something vital in my brother and I, he spent a lot of time really making us feel guilty for resting ever. I do think that I get a lot of my drive from him, but it’s taken me a long time to work through that feeling of self-doubt and disappointment when I don’t spend a weekend running around being productive. I’m finally to a place where I do think I’ve found a relatively healthy balance, but I often have to-do lists nagging at the back of my mind even when I said that that day was for self-care not stress.
I do hope that your second wind in recovery goes smoothly, and you’re able to give yourself the time you need to appreciate these moments before you’re back on your feet again.
I’m like this as well. I take on a ton of work and then just barely make it out of all that work without burning out, but afterwards my body and mind needs me to take it slow, but it seriously kills me everytime. I’m going through one of those now. I’m angry at myself for not studying more, working out more or doing more of all the work that needs to be done, but I can’t go on pushing myself almost over my limit every year just to crash on every holiday I have.
I don’t have a trick to fix it…. I wish I had.
Hi, I felt like that because of my pregnancy. I couldn’t enjoy my pregnancy. I gave birth to a perfect little boy and had the best birthing experience. Now I feel proud and happy and I have accepted that pregnancy isn’t happy clappy for everybody. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and “weak”, it’s what your body is right now, Hannah. I wish you a good recovery, physically and mentally. Thanks for the sharing.