My body will never be the same again. I will always have a scar line stretching two-three inches above and below my belly button. My belly button will always be a different shape. Even if I don’t have the stoma forever, I will have another scar in its place. And I will never have a large intestine again. That, I will never get back.
On 14th January I had life altering surgery because of a severe flare up of ulcerative colitis. I now have this scar where the surgeons cut me open and I have a stoma which means I need to wear a bag attached to my body at all times. I poo out of the stoma and into the bag.
I’ve talked about my recovery a lot online and I get people telling me how brave I am and how well I seem to be coping. But I would be lying if I said I’m some kind of superhero and found this all really easy.
It has been so fucking hard.
I’ve always been a fairly confident person when it comes to my body and my sexuality. I never imagined something like this happening to me (even though I’ve had UC since I was 7 years old). Poo isn’t sexy. Having a literal bag of shit hanging off your body at all times isn’t sexy. I don’t have a freakin’ colon. WTF.
This photoshoot for me was about proving to myself I’m still beautiful, I’m still sexy. My body isn’t “ruined” because of what happened (that was an actual word some troll on instagram used to describe my body).
It has been an emotional rollercoaster and there have been a lot of tears along the way. I didn’t cry on this shoot, it was a super fun day and I had the best people around me! Linda, the photographer, my hair and makeup was done by Ashleigh and Becca shot the behind the scenes mini doc.
A couple weeks ago I premiered the mini doc at Buffer Festival in LA. I’d already watched it a bunch of times but was not expecting to react the way I did when watching it in that theatre surrounded by lots of people. I was on the front row and I just burst into tears. My little speech after it was shown was full of heavy breathing and wiping tears away.
I ADORE these pictures that Linda took. She is so talented and when I look at them I don’t even see the stoma bag there. I just see a woman who is happy and comfortable in her skin.
I want to to be her all the time. The reality is that it’s only been 4 1/2 months since surgery and I’m still adapting. My internal wound where they sliced me open still hasn’t healed, my core is still weak as shit. In my head it makes sense that I have a stoma bag because I’m still in recovery but I think I’m expecting my whole body to go back to “normal” once my stomach is healed.
But it won’t. And I think it’s going to take me much longer to realise that my stoma is here to stay.
This shoot is a message to all those with stomas, with IBD, with scars to tell you that your body is still beautiful. Your body is still worthy of being celebrated and seen.
It may seem like I’ve got my shit together but believe me, doing things like this is simply part of my healing process. And I am slowly but surely healing.
I hope you enjoyed the shoot. Please do go show some love to the women involved.
Photographer – Linda Blacker
Makeup & Hair – Ashleigh Bunce
Film – Rebecca Munroe
Also, on Saturday 9th June I am doing a sponsored 5km walk for the charity Crohn’s and Colitis UK. It’s part of their WALK IT events. I’m walking with my parents and we’re raising money so if you are willing please do donate to my JustGiving page. The work they do is so important in supporting those living with IBD and stomas and raising awareness. And maybe one day we’ll find a cure. Thank you.
![Dear Learning 🤓 • #dearjune • [PHOTO FROM ONE YEAR AGO!]
This time last year I’d just had my second major surgery in the space of 5 months.
The past 18 months for me have been a time of serious learning - about myself, my body & my priorities & capabilities. But also about disability, the disabled community and spoons 🥄
I’m so grateful for the space and time people have given me to show me the ropes & teach me things I, unfortunately, had been oblivious to before as an able-bodied person.
Thank you so much for being a continued part of my education. I’m so glad I’ve never stopped learning.
What have you learned/been learning since leaving formal education?
Tomorrow’s #dearjune word is Home 🏠](http://scontent-frt3-1.cdninstagram.com/vp/f477351ca99f1e3ba8e124544462e96e/5D83EFDE/t51.2885-15/sh0.08/e35/c0.164.1391.1391a/s640x640/64422360_474673496618626_3107163844884256749_n.jpg?_nc_ht=scontent-frt3-1.cdninstagram.com "Dear Learning 🤓 • #dearjune • [PHOTO FROM ONE YEAR AGO!]
This time last year I’d just had my second major surgery in the space of 5 months.
The past 18 months for me have been a time of serious learning - about myself, my body & my priorities & capabilities. But also about disability, the disabled community and spoons 🥄
I’m so grateful for the space and time people have given me to show me the ropes & teach me things I, unfortunately, had been oblivious to before as an able-bodied person.
Thank you so much for being a continued part of my education. I’m so glad I’ve never stopped learning.
What have you learned/been learning since leaving formal education?
Tomorrow’s #dearjune word is Home 🏠")
This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing and thank you for ceaselessly advocating body confidence and self love for everybody. You are amazing.
Excellent photos Hannah. Like I said on the video I never notice the scar at all. You showed there is a lot of beauty whatever happens.
Creative, Arty and wonderful
Thank you Hannah
Barry Aldridge
Im a Nurse in Malta. Keep it up. You re setting a great example! Goodluck and stay proud 😁
Completely in awe of this woman, especially in finding out this hasn’t been as easy as it might have looked at times.
Hannah, I just wanted to tell you that you are looking FABULOUS!
My mum has had a stoma for many years now (first colostomy then iliostomy after reversal surgery wasn’t entirely successful) and I am eternally grateful that without it, she wouldn’t be around.
Have you named it? Some do 😊
Hi Hannah. I had my surgery almost a year ago but it was an emergency as I had an eschemic bowel and my kidneys had started to fail plus I had sepsis. I am still very emotional and get so tired all the time so I understand that side of your recovery. The critical care team that looked after me for the 8 days I was on life support have told me it will take up to 2 years before I am fully healed and my surgeon has refused to reverse my op because the risk to me is now deemed too high, because of everything I went through. I can still not see myself as beautiful or sexy and my confidence is zero and I have thought that doing something like your body shoot might help – I just don’t know. Please keep up the blog and videos as I do get comfort from them. Love Jo xx
Hannah, thank you so much for sharing your story and for these photographs. You look incredible, and it’s so useful and important for us to see people with ‘alternative bodies’, hidden disabilities, and those that are poorly. It must be taking so much strength to adjust to this new way of living but I wish you all the best as you go through journey. Thank you again for all that you do in being a voice to so many that need it.
x
There’s nothing wrong with having scars. If a guy has scars it will remind them of rambo or kazuya mishima. If a woman has scars they should just remember the game tomb raider or simply being a survivor. If Hannah gets fed up of the bag situation she can reverse the operation.
Reversal isn’t usually something you can do if you “get fed up with the bag situation – not if you have no colon!
The options could be an internal pouch, IF it’s feasible- it’s not always medically feasible.
Ostomies aren’t really a choice for most people
If your body is ruined, I wish more women would get ruined. You look absolutely stunning. A bag of shit is still more attractive than someone carrying a shitty attitude. Keep inspiring people!
You’re very brave,I had emergency Hartman’s procedure two weeks ago,I’m 42 and single with two children Shannon is 20 Dillon is 16,I think i upset my daughter by sharing a photo of my stoma and scar on fb,,my wound has re-opened and now have infection,hopefully will soon get on top of it and will be ok 👌 i make out im ok but not sure i am realy,,I just try get on with it but some days i just get pissed off with everything,I know I’ll never be the same again and almost lost my life with sepsis etc,,I’m here and doing ok but like i said,early days xxx thankyou for posting this,it gives me inspiration 😘💪🏻🍀
Maybe it shows your body is not only resilient to endure these traumas but ultimately makes it more beautiful because it has endured them.
Onwards and upwards…
Hannah, your photos and the mini doc are both beautiful and inspirational. ❤️My invisible illnesses are different from yours, but the challenge of learning to accept, is the same. You’ll get there, when you’re ready and I hope your internal wound heals soon, so you can get back to doing more of the things you love.
Thank you for using your platform to shine a light on invisible illness, I’m sure your story is helping thousands of people (if not more!) in a similar situation – both now and in the future. xo
You look absolutely stunning!
I wish you all the best!
Thankyou for sharing your experience. You are absolutely stunning. I have IBD and every day is a battle but knowing I’m not alone is so important. Your confidence inspires me. Hugs!
When looking at these photos I didn’t even notice your scar, i was so awestruck by the beauty of you and that beautiful underwear.
I Love your message. This should resonate for anyone with any kind of scar, and serve to remind us the individual is still the greater part. You’re the best.
I enjoyed reading your post! I’m due to have an ileostomy within the next month or so! It’s nice reading other people’s storys! I’m also doing the 5k walk in London on Saturday 9th!!! Good luck with it, it should be good.
Patrick
This post was amazing to read and the doc was wonderful too! Recently I’ve been really down body confidence wise,often staring at girls on Instagram with impossible bodies etc but seeing this made me realise that there’s more than one way to be beautiful. You look STUNNING in those pics. I’m in awe.
What an amazing and beautiful person you are! I’m looking forward to following your blog. I just found it today, via cornishgeek.
Great post – and glad to hear you’re coping well for the most part.
I had my emergency sub-total colectomy and ileostomy in April 2017 – my surgeon offered to discuss reversal at my 12 month review; but with only a 50cm distal stump and part of my small intestine gone already I’m not prepared to put myself through any unnecessary surgery – that might not give a favourable result – when I currently have an ostomy that generally behaves itself and has given me much more energy and freedom than I have had in 17 years of active crohns!!
Hello Hannah, I hope you are well!
I found an article that was posted on the BBC website, explaining what it is like to have sex using an ileostomy bag. In the article in question mentioned your website, then I opened another tab to find out what you can see in your blog.
I was shocked and at the same time admired, that is the spirit that you have to be able to overcome this test that they put you in life. Personally I think it is to show the world that despite the adversities that one can go through, one can overcome and lead a happy life.
You are beautiful, I also tell you that, not only physically, but also in your interior, as a person.
Fortunately I had the possibility to find news from you, are mixed feelings where I can say that we have to be grateful in this life for what we have and what we have, I mean those people who support us unconditionally wishing the best for our lives.
Finally and to not be too long in my assessment, I want to wish you the best of the best as long as you keep going.
A big hug and kiss from Paraguay, and I’ll be following your blog.
Elias Silva
You are seriously beautiful inside and out. Our bodies tell a story, only those willing to listen see the true beauty.
Hannah you ooze confidence and hopefully the stoma can be reversed, beautiful pictures of a beautiful woman. I’m lucky that one week post surgery, I don’t have a bag and I feel no discomfort. Early days for us both good luck. B
I love this, Hannah! You look stunning. It doesn’t surprise me some people have been horrible in light of this change, but I’m so happy you had the opportunity to do something like this for yourself. I’ve seen these types of photoshoots do wonders for people who are dealing with body image issues, but you don’t see enough of people with any type of chronic illness or condition doing them! Way to represent and turn this into something empowering for yourself and others. <3
Hannah you are BLOODY GORGEOUS!!!!!! Alice xxx
http://www.woodewindowsills.co.uk
You look absolutely gorgeous! I think we can imagine less than the quarter of the half of what you are going through. But I really think that what everybody sees here is an incredible, smart and beautiful woman who has been through a lot but who is winning this challenge. You might not feel like a stronger person right now but you will see it sooner than you think 😉
And don’t forget to be proud of your scar! It’s really a freaking badass scar !
I read every single word of yours, and I must repeat: You’re a brave girl to do this. That doesn’t mean you are a superwoman, of course, but you’re definitely a special one for keeping up with your life throughout the public eyes. It such a hard topic to expose!
So… The other day as a future nurse, I recommended your channel to a young boy with a similar story!
I hope he can relate somehow.
Kisses!*
JU VIBES | @itsjuvibes ❤
I’m sure it’s hard To reconcile. I can’t even imagine trying. But when people like me see you willing to talk about, educate, and show others what is going on, it is quite inspirational. I only wish there were some way people like me could reciprocate for you as I know there must be dark and emotional times for you. You’re quite amazing.
Hi Hannah!
Thank you so much for making your healing process visible and having the courage to do so. I’ve had a permanent ileostomy for 8 years because of Crohn’s disease. I remember the first year being extremely hard because I was 15 and felt completely isolated and abnormal and Instagram didn’t exist yet and there were just a couple people on the internet talking about IBD. I also didn’t have an opaque bag for the first 5 years. That made intimacy and navigating sex and unlearning body-hate THAT much harder. But it gets better and your body heals and you don’t even notice the bag after a while. 🙂Thanks for all you do! 💕
Hey Hannah, just love those pictures… I been following you for a while now and the bag or scar didn’t take anything from the beautiful woman you were already. Just an idea, with your quirkiness 🤪 maybe you could have a partnership with a stoma bag manufacturer and have it printed with some of your inspiring words or maybe sex advice like; « Not this hole buddy your too far north! » I could definitely see you in this. Anyway keep up the spirit and love your work.
My daughter introduced this blog to me. I have had two surgeries this pasr year, and have had to adjust to various changes in my body, and of course, bear pain. I am grateful to my daughter for sendung me the link , and to you, for writing this inspiring blog. I send you good wishes and strength.
As someone who has lived your whole lifetime twice, trust me when I say that, while you’re no doubt fragile as hell in some ways from all this trauma, your shit is definitely together in all the most important ways. With the ugly insanity out there these days, something like this is exactly what our souls all need. On a more personal note, one of my best friends went through utter hell a few years back with colon cancer. He has a stoma and a bag. While I am not typically squeamish, that shit totally freaked me the fuck out and I refused to even think about it. It did not hurt our relationship, as we had plenty of conversations about what he was going through, but I swore to my wife that I would OD on morphine before I would go through that. But seeing your videos and this and actually looking at it took the bulk of that away. If you face what scares you, it’s not as scary. Thank you for that. I
I am a complete (57-year old) technophobe, so writing this having read your blog is proof only of how strongly I feel about what you are doing. Following ovarian cancer that tangled with my colon, now ten years ago, I had major surgery and ended up with a stoma – no choice. Initially, the mental strength I felt I needed to deal with it seemed daunting, but I became used to it with the help of my sister, children and friends, who were unfazed by how ‘incomplete” I might have felt myself to be. I do, however, wish that I had your blog to read back then. I would have felt less frightened and realised earlier that having a stoma was far from the end of my world. I utterly endorse the support you clearly have.