Recently I was on the radio. Amber Davies, the winner of Love Island, was guest presenting 5Live. She was asking the question “has sex become too casual?” and I was there to weigh in my opinion. Amber’s makeup artist was also there sharing her experience of saving herself until marriage in her current relationship.
I didn’t really understand Amber’s moral panic about casual sex. It didn’t feel like it was coming from a place of concern for young people’s sexual wellbeing but more of judgement. Unfortunately, the segment ended with Amber reading out her new rules for casual sex which meant I didn’t have time to challenge her on any of them.
Are young people having too much casual sex?
Here are @Amber_Davies7's new rules on sex.
She'll be guest presenting with @therealNihal today 1-4pm. pic.twitter.com/FpfrGFWi0G
— BBC Radio 5 live (@bbc5live) April 4, 2018
What I did do, however, was sit outside the BBC building in the Cafe Nero writing my own twist of her 5 rules. So here’s my version.
My Five Rules for Casual Sex
- Have sex on the first date if you’re both into it.
- If there’s alcohol involved make sure you 100% have the other person’s consent. If they are completely plastered, they can’t consent.
- You shouldn’t need to impress someone to win their affection. Just be yourself.
- Emotions and sex can be separate for lots of people and there are many different types of relationships. Make sure you communicate and everyone is on board!
- Don’t follow the crowd. Also, don’t follow the rules (except for the law, follow that).
The rules that Amber laid out I found were extremely judgemental, sexist and just plain backwards (or maybe I’m too optimistic of where society is at right now). “Don’t have sex on the first date, respect yourself”?! So people who do have sex on the first date don’t respect themselves? And we all know this age-old advice is targeted a women. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone tell a man he doesn’t respect himself if he “puts out” on the first date.
We need to move away from these rules that society keeps giving us: no sex on the first date, don’t text back straight away, you can only show legs or boobs (not both), etc. etc. All they bring to the table are insecurities, anxiety, feeling judged and confused.
I really wish it could be as simple as do what makes you happy whilst communicating and considering the feelings of others. And don’t judge others for doing the same. There is no one size fits all when it comes to sex and we should really be teaching that to young people too. That way they can explore these things on their own terms without feeling like they’re being judged or pressured.
Because of her Love Island win and new social media celebrity status Amber has a huge amount of influence on the young people who follow her. It makes me kind of sad that these old rules we’ve been trying to shake are still being peddled by hugely influential people.
If you missed the show you can listen here. What do you think? Has sex become too casual? Should we care? What are your “rules” if you have any?
It’s bad they didn’t give you time or air to respond. Very unprofessional.
That “don’t have sec on the first date” thing is more connected to “your sexual partner won’t have any respect for you” than the respect from yourself.
Yeah, sex is casual now, but people make their own decision & nobody should expect you to be casual if you’re not into it.
I have no idea who this chick is, but she’s very judgmental.
Absolutely agree with you, Hannah. It seemed like Amber’s rules weren’t her own beliefs but maybe she was told to say that to change her reputation after Love Island? I can’t understand how sex on the first date and self respect are at all related to be honest. I’m just here to have fun!
Hi
This was very cool I totally agree with you. I m really bored To hear justement on how I should do this or this things …
So I’m glad to hear your opinion
I just sighed when I heard most of Amber rules. Why would anyone respect themselves less simply because they’re sexually active?! That’s just silly. She should join us in the 21st century
I love this! I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend for almost 6 years. I lost my virginity to him after a couple of weeks of us “dating”. Losing my virginity was a great experience for me but after excitedly telling a few people I soon realised that most people thought this was “too soon”. I felt judged. Now I’m single again I’ve decided I want to have more casual sexual experiences and explore my sexuality more but I’ve been hesitant. Reading this has made me realise why I was hesitant and reassured me that I should do what makes ME happy whilst communicating and considering the feelings of other. Thanks Hannah! 🙂
I’m not sure the number of dates is as important as an STD test and or protection. But of course reluctance is a way to reduce transmission. I get the sense of a person in seconds or minutes. I guess it depends on how ready you are and what you want it to be.
In this case, it does come down to the individual. As I tried to do what society think is “right”, I realized that caused myself more anxiety from following the social rules of society. It really comes down to everyone’s own perspective.
This world needs balance and sometimes we have to let those that wish their views on others to know that as long as you are educating the public without bias, the conclusion will be at the hands of the audience you address.
Overall, my personal experience sways me to your views & I hope you continue to fight the cause, but be true to yourself at the end…. stay awesome!
Totally agree, the world needs to understand that girls like sex too but that they can still be smart and taken seriously! Both myself and my friends have found that having sex on the first date means being treated as a booty call rather than relationship material, and that guys can actually be pretty judgemental about girls that have a lot of sex. Even once in a relationship a guy can get away with having many previous sexual partners but for girls many are treated as if they can’t be trusted and that they’re more likely to cheat because of it!
I think besides her first rule it was not judgemental or sexist. For example I completely share her opinion on Rule nr 2 with alcohol and I think you have articulated it better with the consent but essentially she wants the same thing. Alcohol loosens inhibitions and can make you consent to things you would not otherwise.
And from personal experience I find casual sex and friends with benefits relationships more sexist because the guys who have wanted this from me were all mainly too lazy to put a true effort in and make it a relationship. Basically they wanted to use me for sex and I don’t support these kinds of relationships unless the woman is absolutely on the same page. For me this is also kind of tied to her rule nr 1 with self-respect. I don’t feel respected if someone only pays attention to me for sex, which is why I would not enter into a relationship like that. Of course I would not judge other woman for doing that because they probably have a completely different approach to the whole thing.
I completely agree with your nr 3 but I also see the point in hers. There are so many high school movies etc that are about loosing your virginity until a certain age that young people feel pressured to obey. Because it is so prominent it can appear as something that has to be done to be “cool” and I don’t think your firsr sex should be to either “get it over with” or “get in with the cool kids” aka impress people but that is exactly what is conveyed by a lot of media.
In conclusion: I think it is important to talk about sex (why I support you and your videos, you are one of my favourite youtubers) but it should not be advertised as super casual and the “cool” thing to do. I don’t think it is wrong to treasure sex a bit more no matter if you are a woman or a guy but I also try to not judge people who enjoy it as much as they possibly can.
Number 3 is easy for an attractive outgoing person to say. I’m introverted and overweight and I’ve been myself, a geek, for 30 years and nobody has given me any affection and all i can think about now is how I can change myself to win someones affection to find a partner in life because im deeply lonely.
Hey Hanna. Thanks for this article. I completely agree. People with influence shouldn’t be walking around making people feeling judged about having sex whenever they want or however they want, especially when you’re someone who won a show such as love island… how ironic …
You’re also talking about how society makes us think that we shouldn’t be texting the other person right away, this kind of things, when instead we should be able to text the other person whenever we feel like it.
I do agree, theoretically. Indeed, I’ve been told soooo many times that I shouldn’t get too involved, that I shouldn’t be texting the guy if he’s not texting me. Which makes sense. Indeed, I noticed that in this kind of casual relationship, the less I am texting the guy, the more he is gonna text me and be interested.
Which leads me to my question, do you have rules for casual sex as in how to make this kind of relationship work?
I think everyone should know themselves best. Some people work well in casual relationships and don’t mind them at all. Some people, whether due to what they have learned from other people or because they just need the connection, just don’t. You should know what works for you and do that. There should be no social pressure for people in either aspect. Some of my friends feel social pressure because they slept with a lot of people and some do because they didn’t sleep with anyone yet. There should be none of it.
Love this. I agree completely. As long as all parties are safe, comfortable and consenting then that is their decision. Nothing wrong with wanting to “save yourself” (I don’t think I like that phrase either) for marriage, or even for a few dates! But it shouldn’t be because of other people’s judgement and worrying about what other people will think.
I really need to get a copy of your book…
I have to say that I completely and utterly agree with Hannah Witton , Amber Davies’s rules really seems close minded and sexist but even if isn’t into casual sex, she shouldn’t be judgemental after all shouldn’t we all be happy and confortable ?
You are so right, the fear of being judged makes things only worse. People should better stick to their own lives.
I listened to the whole thing and honestly it came across as trying to salvage her reputation after banging on TV.
My rules would be don’t deliberately hurt anyone (emotionally that is, some people are in to the physical stuff) and don’t do anything illegal.
A rule I’d follow myself if I was in a situation where casual sex may happen is Don’t do something you’d be mortified by if people found out.
With someone you’re not in a relationship with the trust might not be there.
I totally agree with your rules. I too got frustrated when I saw Amber’s rules on social media. Not only are her points sexist but clearly uneducated. As you pointed out and I realised about drinking on the date ‘are you going to regret it?’ point. Consent legally can only be given if the two parties are sober. I have been trying to spread the word recently of sexual health and what consent actually means. I’m glad to see you are too. I loved your other points because yeah! Loads of people do have casual sex and don’t get attached and they love it. I feel like your points or to be frank more mature and thought out. Thank you for sharing.
Spot on Hannah, love you!
I agree with you totally and doing what feels right is the best thing to do and hopefully judgement free! However I have another ball to add to the court, my now bf had a very different opinion from me when I was single and it was so refreshing. He thought sex had got to casual and from a male point of view and being at uni be was pressured by his guy friends to try and pull girls on nights out etc. But he didn’t want to have casual sex as it seems every other guy does and only wanted to have sec when he had found someone he thought he truely connected with and this took him until he was 24. And when we first started dating he didn’t tell me and he even lied to me saying he’d had sex out of embarrassment, I at the time just used to having casual sex and when we first got intermate it was a little like a kick in the teeth when he said no can’t we wait I don’t want to rush. We eventually after a month or so and him explaining he wasn’t too experienced and me thinking how sweet and also rare it was to find a boy who has such morals with out any religious context in 2017!
Just think if all males has self respect and didn’t play games.
wow hannah i really liked this post! my rules are very similar to yours haha im glad you spoke your mind about this issue. x
hannah i agree 100% with your rules and i’m so glad that you’re challenging people like amber who are obsessed with putting people in boxes!!! everyone should be able to do whatever they’d like and not have to worry about whether it’s “right” or not :)))) xx
I’ve only ever had sex when I felt comfortable doing it except once (I don’t regret it eventhough I sometimes wonder if that guy actually respected that moment afterwards; but I did feel pressurized by him to do it because our relationship wasn’t great at all and I thought it could be the solution = not at all, it made our relationship even worse and led to breaking up a few days after). And being comfortable happened after 2 days of relationship, 1 month later, weeks after, sometimes before even being in a relationship and sometimes not even doing it ever in a relationship. It’s really just about how the other person makes you feel, if you feel like they will respect and not judge you afterwards, if you feel confident around them and that can happen at such different timings as the person in front will always be unique with their own personality , and therefore our connection cannot be decided by society rules.
I think a casual relationship is a kind of relationship where there are no clear rules or long term commitments towards the relationship.
Hi Hannah,
I am a 20-year-old girl and don’t think I have ever orgasmed. I find it awkward to talk about and even though I try and tell any partner what I like it never quite gets there. I’m not even sure if I’ve ever got myself there? I know I might not be able to but I worry about what people think and how to deal with it. Help!