So I announced today in a video that there’s going to be a hormone diaries project! I am extremely excited but also very nervous as there’s a lot of work to do and I’ve just moved house so fingers crossed I don’t freak out with stress.
Basically, I started The Hormone Diaries as a series on my YouTube channel over 2 years ago. Also, wow 2 years. I just had to check when the first episode was uploaded and omg I can’t believe it’s been that long! Anyway, I started THD to document the process of coming off the contraceptive pill I’d been on for 7 years. I’d been on it since I was 17 years old and because of the pill I didn’t have any periods so I wanted to go hormone free for a while and see what happened. Spoiler alert: my tits ached way too much and I went back on hormonal contraception (the mirena coil to be exact).
So although my hormone diary is not at an end (does it ever end???), I want to learn about other people’s hormone diaries. The comments section on those videos for the last 2 years have been an incredible wealth of information and very much inspired me.
And so was born this project! I would love for you to share your own hormone diaries. You can comment on this blog post or I’ll be doing posts over on my instagram over the next few weeks and you can comment there too. Share your experiences! When did you get your first period? Any dreamy/nightmareish contraception stories? What’s the healthcare like in your country? Is your mental health affected by your hormones? Do you have any conditions/disorders? What was your pregnancy experience? What side effects have you experienced from contraception?
How to get involved
I would love if you wrote your answers (comment here or instagram) in the form of a diary entry.
E.g.
Dear my period,
Dear the coil,
Dear my PCOS,
Dear my acne,
Dear cramps,
Dear my HRT,
etc…
(more topics below!)
Here are mine:
Dear Cerazette, we had a good run. 7 years. I’m very grateful that you were the first pill I tried and I didn’t have any problems and have to find a different one. We worked well together, you & I. You got rid of my periods (thanks very much) and didn’t cause me depression. It was a pleasure putting you in my body everyday, I hope other people find as much happiness with you as I did. All the best, Hannah.
OR
Dear my boobs, WHY DO YOU HURT SO MUCH FOR TWO SOLID WEEKS BEFORE I GET MY PERIOD?! What have I done to deserve this? Why do you hurt so much?! You are the reason I had to go back on hormonal contraception, I hope you’re happy! Lots of love, Hannah.
You entries don’t necessarily have to be funny, in fact I want serious stories too because this is important to talk about! They can be one sentence or essay-length. Whatever you like!
In advance, thank you so much. This project won’t work without your help so I am extremely grateful if you are willing to share your story. To give you a bit of inspiration and an idea of the topic areas here’s a list (love a good list). But if you have a story outside of the list that you feel is relevant please also share! I would also like to add that trans and non-binary voices are very much welcome. Hormone diaries are not just reserved to cis women and I know you have such important stories and insight into this topic.
All things period!
- Actually bleeding
- PMS – mood, acne, boobs, pain
- Equipment – pads/tampons/cups/underwear
- Sex
- Period tracking apps
Contraception!
- Different types – the pill, coil, implant, injection, ring, condoms, fertility awareness
- Physical changes
- Mood changes
- Sex, relationships & love
- Hormonal vs non-hormonal
Diseases/disorders/infections AKA when things go wrong
- PCOS
- Endometriosis
- UTIs
- Vaginismus
- Turner Syndrome
Trans and non-binary
- Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT)
- Puberty
- Menstruating/not menstruating
Pregnancy
- Physical changes
- Mood changes
- Probs loads more but ya girl has never been pregnant (enlighten me!)
So there you go! Hope this wasn’t too much info at once but remember I’ll be posting each week on my instagram so you can comment there or bookmark this page and come back to it! Again thank you so much! I really look forward to this project and seeing all your responses!
Dear pituitary gland,
I have to say, you are slightly useless. You had one (1) job. Make some goddamn hormones, but no, that was a little bit too much for you, right? You have caused literally nothing but trouble. Ten years of daily growth hormone injections, thyroxine tablets, and as of a few years ago, oestrogen tablets.
By year eight, I knew something was up. I had been diagnosed with hypopituitarism in 2005, and was lucky enough to have access to growth hormone and thyroxine thanks to the NHS. I also didn’t make cortisol, which is supposed to calm you down and the doctors warned my parents that if I got too worked up I could black out. My endocrinologist had mentioned the fact that I was at an age where I was supposed to start puberty but my chest was as flat as it was ten years ago and I had no armpit or pubic hair (I actually still don’t I’m not sure what’s up with that). After an LHRH test (which involved a cannula and some gas and air because of my crippling needle phobia), the doctors concluded that they were going to have to intervene with this whole puberty thing. I mean, I could have told you that! Nothing was happening! So, on the 11th of December, 2015, I took my first oestrogen tablet.
To be honest, nothing really changed for two years. My chest hurt constantly. A year seven, at boob height, ran into me and I thought I was going to cry I was in so much pain. I was going through the same thing all my friends went through years ago. I just desperately wanted my period to come, and nobody else could understand why but i felt as if I was being left out of this secret club. I would feel so jealous every time my friends complained about cramps. At least their body was working like it was supposed to.
One evening in May 2017, I felt this stomach pain that I know now was cramps. I went to bed and when I woke up there was blood. I can’t even begin to explain how happy I was. In hindsight, having been having ‘periods’ for about a year now I don’t think it’s what it was. The blood was watery and it lasted only a day but I felt like something was finally happening.
When I went for my check up in June, I told my doctor and she decided it was time I went on the pill. I started taking Loestrin in July 2017 (I still had some oestrogen tablets left to finish). I was due to have my break whilst I was on holiday so I started a new packet straight away, but I started to have a withdrawal bleed anyway. I have honestly never seen so much blood. I didn’t realise it was bad at the time but I know now that it was not normal. I couldn’t go in the pool for the last three days of my holiday and the cramps were so bad I had no appetite (and that’s rare for me). The plane ride back was hell, and all in all my period lasted seventeen days. What the fuck, body? I just wanted to be normal. I’ve been having ‘periods’ (technically its a withdrawal bleed) for about a year now and the excitement has worn off but I’m still happy that my body is doing it’s thing. I won’t be able to conceive on my own but that’s fine because I’m gay so that worked out okay at least.
I have my first appointment at the adult endocrinology in October, as I was discharged from the children’s outpatients after my GCSE exams. It’s going to be odd having a new doctor, and I’ve been warned she’ll want to do a blood test so I’m not looking forward to it but I’ll just have to see what happens.
So, pituitary gland, I hope you’re sorry for all the trouble you’ve caused me, and this doesn’t even cover the growth hormone stuff. I’d appreciate it if you could behave from now on. Think you can do that?
Love this!!! Especially “but that’s fine because I’m gay so that worked out okay at least.” – I needed that laugh. What a fascinating story. Good luck with it all! xxxxx
hey, do you have turners syndrome? sounds like you have a lot of similar symptoms to me. pituitary glands can suck sometimes right!
love Lauren
Dear my PCOS
You’re supposed to be “mother nature’s last defence” so that if a famine happens some women will still be able to give birth. That’s great but do I seriously need the acne, hair growth and slow metabolism that comes with it? I’m beginning to think I’ll never have clear skin on my chin, I’m fed up of shaving my sideburns and you won’t even let me lose those few pounds that would get me a size lower in jeans. I’ve not even got started on the irregular periods. It made me feel like a weirdo when I was 14 and everyone went on about how they hated having periods every month when I would go months between them. In the end though it’s made me realise that I’ll never go from a size 14 to a size 8, but I’m fine with that and I now realise that the weight you are does not say if you are healthy/beautiful or not.
So thanks, kinda.
Emma x
Dear ENDOMETRIOSIS, thanks for making the last 6 years shite!
You’ve been making a grand appearance every month since I was 11 and tbh your not welcome. You’ve won every game of hide and seek with doctors (congrats) until an invasive laparoscopy was needed to find you, I hate that you continue to grow even after you’ve been attacked and broken down with lasers! If you would kindly calm the f*ck down so I can continue with my alevels like all the my other friends that would be fab!
Thanks hun, Soph x
Dear period, WTH! I first got you when I was 11 which totally messed me up, thank you very much. A little forewarning for when you are going to literally going to bleed all over my sheets would be really appreciated. Also 1 thing people should’ve told me was that the place a tampon goes in is not the place you originally think it’s, Did you just forget to give me a pamphlet or something!
I feel this, I got mine when i was 8 which was really confusing and unfamiliar to my poor Year 3 self hahah
Dear puberty
Seriously? my first period the same day i get my first boyfriend? it was like 7 years ago and still possibly the most eventful day of my life. some grotty year 7 boy walks up to my awkward year 7 self and asks me our and my body is just like IM READY to absolutely PUMP out a child this INstant
this made me giggle heheh
Dear PCOS-
You’ve been a nightmare the past two years and caused me a lot of pain and tears not to mention the body confidence issues.
However , I know that I am a special case because it’s takes a strong women to cope with the symptoms and carry on fighting and going back and fourth to the doctors so they understand
Dear PCOS,
I had no idea who you were. My gynecologist put me on Yazminelle just for the sake of it when I was 18 and 10 years later…here you are! I don’t get periods, I gained lots of weight, my hormones are all over the place… Thank you! (Not). I would never habe gone on the pill if I knew what was to come.
Dear period,
Your first visited when I was 10, walking home from the train station afer school and ruining my jeans. Cheers for that. You were a bit painful a few days before and during the the actual visit, but it was nothing that could not be cured with a heat pad and some pain killers. When I was 14, you first made me vomit. I missed going to the cinema with school because I felt so horrible in class and ended up vomiting on platform number 6 at the station. A month later, I had my first gyn exam. I was prescribed tea and magnesium because my pain could not possibly be that bad. 3 months later, I was prescribed the pill for the first time and we got along well until I decided I did not want that anymore. The pain was manageable in that time. Skip forward 5 years. I am in bed, screaming in agony and vomiting into a bucket next to my bed because I was too weak to make it to the bathroom. No pain killers would stay down. Even my mother told me I was being dramatic. I ended up taking a morphine based painkiller when there was nothing I could possibly throw up anymore. The doctor did not believe me at first but eventually tested me for endometriosis and chlamydia. I had neither. And I went back on the pill.
That sounds like endometriosis to me!
Exactly the experience I went through for many years…
Finally diagnosed after failed IVF and sorted out with a hysterectomy at age 42. Bring pain free now is the best feeling!! Thankfully I never dreamed of having kids.
Do keep trying for that diagnosis
Ya I get this sister, I got my period when I was 8 years old and I fainted because of cramps and pain when I was 10, so it’s pretty shitty
Dear Mefenamic acid ,
You have honestly saved my horrifically period experiences although they do occasionally still occur. I am in debt to you but you do only work when I walk up early and eat food that I have to try and keep down due to feeling so sick during my period. Without you I would not be able to go school on the day s of my period. Before you came along I would literally be green , unable to move and if I wasn’t moving then it was probably be because I was being very sick. My back would be screaming and on occasion s I have been very close to uncoiciouness. Because you have some nasty long tears side effects I will soon be replacing you for a birth control that also helps with pain i a man so incredibly thankful to you and understand that so many young people are not aware of this drug. which could not only offer pain relief but also means that if for religious or personal preference it dose not prevent pregnancy.
Yours sincerely Clara
Dear my period,
I haven’t got to know you too well yet, it’s only been a few years. Am I supposed to bleed so much? Do I not bleed enough? It only counts as bleeding through if the public can see it right?
About my last period, that seemed too easy. Can I really hope that when I came off sugar I made everything easier? You were so much less painful, and so much less!
See you next week,
Madie
Dear PMS / period beginning, why do you make me poop so much ?
I have UC and I don’t if it’s related but everytime my period kicks in (i’d say the day before and the first two days) I always poop a lot and my rectum aches a lot more than my uterus.
I read online that it’s not a rare thing and that it’s due to prostaglandins telling you bowel to contact instead of your uterus but I feel like no one ever talk about it ?
(I probably made some mistakes, I’m sorry english is not my first language)
SO GLAD IM NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!!
Yes same! It is completely normal. I’ve spoken to a few people about it at this point and ‘the period shits’ as my friends like to call it is a real thing and not something to worry about. It should definitely be talked about more though.
Pooping more is definitely one of my “period’s about to start” signs!
I’ve read up about this! It’s a real thing. The chemicals which tell your uterus to cramp so that it can shed its lining are the same ones that are triggered when you eat something bad and you need to expel it. Sometimes, en route to your uterus, they get distracted and attach to your gut instead, resulting in diarrhoea.
To whom it may concern,
I would like to apologise for the blood stain left on one of the brand new light grey chairs in the middle row of lecture theatre C. But trust me, no one suffers here more than my bank account since it is drained of approximately the price of one new pair of jeans each month of the year.
The red is decorative darling.
Sinead x
bless you for this
Dear my body
WHY IS IT A THING THAT YOU DO TO GIVE ME CRAMPS BEFORE AND DURING MY PERIOD there is no need. Also boob pain WHY IS THAT A THING I’m 15 and (for a 15 year old) I have big boobs and it’s already something that can hurt my back so why give me extra pain when my boby is bleeding. Headache too what is The point REALLY why just why?
I do have to say use Clue and I think it might be one of the best things ever because it’s so accurate and really does help,, I can see that what is a constant thing that happens before/during/after my period like BOOB PAIN (really no need For it) I’ve had my period since I was 11 and Clue is the best app I’ve used for tracking my period.
Thanks for letting me rant
Lots of love
Ellie
Dear PMS, why do you always cause me to want to cause a huge fight between me and my best friend without me even knowing? I blame him and then a few days later I realise it was not either of our faults it was actually my PMS and this has happened multiple times would you PLEASE give me a break.
Also @ PMS not only do you make me push people away you also give me acne on my jaw line as if I wasn’t unstable enough, thanks again
Dear My Uterus
You made your presence known to me when I was 11 and you’ve been causing me problems ever since. You gave me cramps so painful that they’d wake me up at night, heavy bleeding meaning I’d need two pads just to stop you leaking everywhere.
You also gave me a burst ovarian cyst a few years ago, which made me spend an eventful and tiring Sunday afternoon in A&E trying to work out why you made my tummy so much.
But at long last, you’ve got a new friend. A Mirena coil. Like a baby with a dummy, hopefully it’ll keep you quiet for a while. I don’t really need you for anything for a while, so if it’s OK with you, just go into sleep mode for a bit.
Love from your tired human
Liz
Dear my Coil
You’ve got a big job on your hands. I hope you’re ready. I tried to get one of you a few years ago, but my doctor thought my uterus was a weird shape and didn’t do it. But now I’ve got you, and so far you’ve not caused me many problems. I’m excited for our future together. I’m too fat for the pill, too scared for the implant, so to me, you’re perfect.
Good luck, and don’t f*** it up.
Liz
(PS Hannah I knew of you through the collab you did with Matt and Tom, but I only found your YouTube channel since I got my coil put in two weeks ago. I’m so glad I’ve found your channel and the Hormone Diaries!!)
Dear my period
Why are you hurting me so damn bad, that I have to take injections? I mean it’s too hard for me too handle. Anyway I’m on hormonal contraception, I’m happy now.
Kath
Dear Pill, i know that you have a >99% efficiency but why was i the 1% on the first month with my boyfriend? Like, really? With 6 flawless years of the pill behind me, you chose this particular time to not work? Thanks for that!
Dear my menstrual cup,
I bought you because you seemed like a good idea, no chance of TSS, being able to actually see that I’m not bleeding as much as i thought, not having to remember to change you every couple of hours and the biggest bonus of being better for the environment. However, you didn’t really work out that way. Instead you were awkward to get in because i had no idea what i was doing, once you were in most times you didn’t expand properly for a couple of minutes leaving me to fear leaking, when you finally did expand there was a really uncomfortable popping feeling. Also when it came to changing you there was always a panic when i couldn’t find you followed by a few minutes of me fumbling around trying to get you out, it was always a relatively painful experience making me not want to use you again till I’d forgotten the experience.
In conclusion, I still like the idea of you but till i find out what i was doing wrong i don’t think I’ll be using you again.
Hi Ciara 🙂
Did you pinch your menstrual cup when trying to remove it? If I want to just tug mine out it hurts and is almost impossible, but when I reach inside a bit and pinch the lower part of my cup it folds up and I can get it out easily. When the cup it very full that makes a mess, but when it’s only half or even less full nothing leaks 🙂
Maybe that helped!
~Amy
Dear My Period,
Thanks for being pretty bless so far (I hope I don’t jinx it with this) can’t thank u enough for only cramping every 3 months or so and bleeding for under 4 days and never heavily!
On another note however….
Dear my Boobs,
FU for being so large yet giving me little to no pleasure – you are nothing but a nuisance and I can’t wait to get u reduced xxxxxxxx
Dear boobs,
I dont want you. Ever since you started growing you’ve made me feel uncomfortable. You feel foreign on my body. I remember being 14 and always having to wear baggy shirts because I didn’t like it when you were more pronounced. I remember thinking dark thoughts about getting rid of you by my own hands.
I remember getting my first binder, and being happy with looking flat chested, but still not comfortable, at all. I still can’t wear my binder too often due to asthma. I am going to get rid of you, boobs. Not right now, but hopefully soon.
Disdainfully, Percy
Dear doctor from that clinic i went to, thanks for kicking me out when i still had horrible nausea because i had to take 2 abortion pills & a shitload of pain meds! I only threw up 4 times on my way home. Seriously you saw i could barely walk on my own. I guess you needed the room for someone else but that shouldn’t stop you from being human. Sincerely, this abortion traumatized me.
Dear vaginismus,
You made me feel like I was broken because I thought my worth to boys revolved around whether they could put their penis in my vagina and have “real sex”. You made me have conversations with boys that I didn’t want to have and made me feel like it was my fault when our relationship would fall apart because of you. However, I now realise that in a weird way you were trying to protect me. The help I’m receiving lets me see that it wasn’t anymore my fault suffering from you than it is having a period. Thank you for helping me realise that I am more than my ability to have PIV sex and making me take my time with the people I want to sleep with.
Love,
Laura x
I loved this so much ! I’ve been with my partner for 7 years now and it’s something that we’ve struggled with for our whole relationship. I used to feel like it was my fault, he’s been so supportive and having PIV sex certainly isn’t the only way to have sex, thanks for your amazing post! 🙂
Dear periods,
WHY DO YOU HAPPEN. I hate my periods, I have sore boobs 24/7 wether I am on or not on my period. I get so so bloated. However all I do is eat and eat and eat. I HATE PERIODS. The way they feel, CRAMPs omfg the cramps. And never regular. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 I HATE HAVING PERIODS. 😶😶
Dear my uterus,
You know, you’re have been so regular, you stood by me consistently for years. I could have counted time off when you had a period, and we have been nothing but besties. But then you go and pull the stuff you pulled these last 4 months. You had 2 periods in one month, skipped a month, was late twice and now you seem to be back to normal. What did I ever do to you to deserve this treatment? I take excellent care of you, make sure your healthy happy, and pleasured 😉 But you go and betray me like this? I think you have forgiven whatever atrocity you think I have commited against you but was the temper tantrum really necessary? I am even getting you a present this christmas in the form of an IUD. I have treated you with nothing but love and I would hope to get the same in return, but apparently not. And don’t even pretend you don’t like our new doctor, I know you do.
Sincerely,
Chris
Dear Period,
Thank you for finally being regular, and thank you for only being three days!
We haven’t had the best relationship, with all throughout our teenage years with the fluctuating of your comings and goings, with how much and how long for, as well as how painful.
Sure, you’re still painful and heavy as fuck, but thanks for only being three days. That really does mean the world.
Love, Me.
Dear my period,
Why are you so temperamental? You came when I was only 12 years old and gave me the shock of my life. Now, PCOS has meant you don’t come naturally anymore and most doctors seldom take this seriously. I have to take Provera to make sure you arrive three times a year and for some reason, this makes me feel like a failure. I feel like as a woman, having a period should be the one thing I can do but apparently my body can’t even do that right. Maybe one day you’ll start to be regular? Just please don’t be an early sign of future infertility because I don’t think I can take that sort of heartbreak.
omg Kiera, I feel you sooooo hard!! just yesterday I cried myself to sleep again because PCOS makes me crazy. I struggle a lot with feeling “less of a woman” because I don’t menstruate and maybe never get pregnant. It is constantly on my mind as if that could help me prepare for the heartbreak of infertility. I feel you, you are not alone. your comment really helped me and we will fight und struggle and get through this together! We are sexy powerful women, no matter what our uteruses (?) decide to do!
Dear Depo Provera,
What happened to our deal? You aren’t delivering your end of the deal!
Thanks for the acne, the horrible cramps and who can forget that awful 32 day period. 32 BLOODY days. Literally. Hopefully next time you’ll stick to your end of the deal..
lots of love, your new pall Abbi x
Dear Period,
Why on bloody earth did you have to arrive during PE?! I honestly can’t remember much about it but I remember the other girls looking at me weird (I was wearing white pants too) but NOBODY SAID ANYTHING! I was only 11, in the first month of high school and had very few friends so saying it was not ideal only skims the surface.
When I was 13 my mum and I noticed that whenever Satan tried to escape me (aka period time) I was physically sick and it would be at least 3 out of the 7 days so after 5 months of that I got a GP appointment and got diagnosed with abdominal migraines. After being hospitalised twice I got put on the combined pill January 2017, it worked really well for a while but instead of being horribly sick I’m dying of cramps on my sofa every time I’m off and it’s really affecting my mental health which was already unstable. I’m making a GP appointment for October half term (in my final year at college so can’t take time off really) to hopefully get it sorted but the nurse who did my check up said I need to lose a bit of weight to remain healthy for my height; instead of getting upset and down feeling like I have to lose weight and it’s not a choice I decided that when I can fit in to a skirt my brother got me and it look nice I’ll stay there because I’ll be happy and healthy. Weight is something that really changed about me since going on the pill.
I’m hoping that in the future my body will sort itself out and I can be happy and healthy but for now my body is hating on me because I don’t have a baby growing on me.
So fuck you spawn of Satan that lives inside me, I’ll love you when you stop making me ill and sad.
I suppose that’s all for now, see you around the 7th November, Period.
Dear my bleeding vagina,
i thought you were joking when i had a period for around a month, complete with cramps, but now see you weren’t, and im pretty sure it’s not a period anymore at all. It’s gross amounts of old blood that just keeps coming, and i don’t know what’s wrong with me which is never a fun time.
Dear contraceptive pill, for two years you ruined my relationship. Every week before my week ‘break’ you made me go crazy. I couldn’t stop crying, I shouted at my boyfriend, in fact I took everything out on my boyfriend. But I thought it was my best option. Why would I want to use condoms? It’s so great knowing when my period is going to be, right? Wrong. I came off the pill for my mental health. I got so down during that week and I was absolutely awful to my poor boyfriend. I came off it and my outlook changed. Never again will I willingly put hormones into my body and affect my cycle like that. 2 years on and I use condoms and I can’t believe I was ever worried about it. My mental health has improved and so has my relationship. Who cares if you can’t pin point your period by exact date, it’s not worth it. Danielle x
Dear OBGYNs and Healthcare professionals: Please continue to learn out of Universaty. Vaginismus is a very common issue to have. I need care without receiving a PAP. I /may/ have PCOS, but I will never know because you refuse to give me care until I am screened for cervical cancer, but I cannot be screened in the normal means because of my Vaginismus. My Vaginismus does not effect my sex life, my partners are perfectly happy using vibes for clit stimulation on me and nothing more. I see no need to go through invasive therepy that may not even help me. If a PAP is needed, there are ways we could do it that don’t involve me being in horrible pain (like putting me under) But you refuse. I’ve seen ten of you now in the last six years, and every single one tells me the same thing. Even Planned Parenthood!! So Dear Healthcare professionals- please learn to listen. I just want to be treated for my pcos.
(And ps, I can’t treat it with controceptives, the five pills I tried all made me bleed for a year straight with no stopping and I hallucinated. But I was told -that is normal- but it.. it really isn’t. Please don’t treat huge issues like they’re normal just because I’m shy of 30 and don’t have kids and you don’t want to deal with me)
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I too have vaginismus … I went tr=hrough the ‘examinations’ but they were uncomfortable and I believe made my vaginismus worse … I don’t know what to say/ suggest. Therapy worked for me. My story is below X
Dear my period,
it would be great if you could be a little more regular, I get the whole ’fasionably late’ thing but I heard that crimson wasn’t really in this season
Thanks x
Dear my virgin vagina,
When are we gonna get some?
Kimi
mood
Dear Vestura,
Perhaps you work well for some people. If so, great. Why couldn’t I be one of those people? To be fair, I didn’t know I had a rare neurological/sleep disorder when I began taking you (and wouldn’t find out for another year, after it was too late and the damage had been done.) I just knew that for a month-and-a-half I went from sleeping 12-16 hours a day (which was already bad enough) to sleeping 36+ hours at a time, often without waking up once to use the restroom or eat. You took my illness and bumped it up to 11, and after I figured out you were the culprit I was never the same. Even after I stopped taking you, the negative effects you had on my body stayed with me and less than a year later I had to quit college, quit my job, and lost my social life. I can barely function most days, and some days I don’t function at all. If I had never taken you I doubt I would have ever progressed as fast as I did; in fact it would have taken me several more years to get to the point I am now. Who knew a little old birth control pill could make a chronic illness so much worse in less than two months? Thanks for nothing, Vestura.
Dear the Kyleena coil,
After 5 longgggg years of battling with contraception – passing out in the shower because the combined pill was lowering my blood pressure, getting a large and painful ovarian follicle cyst because the progesterone only pill stopped my bleeding, crying into the toilet as I passed painful blood clots during my periods that were every 16 days on the copper coil, just as I was ready for giving up, I gave you a try.
All I can say is thank you thank you THANK YOU, for finally sorting my body out. Thank you for pretty much stopping my periods except for a slight bleed every now and again that is so light and DREAMY. Thank you for letting me have a light enough period to actually have sex with my boyfriend, after months of crying into his chest because I was in too much pain to even think about sex. Thank you for making it possible for me to leave the house on my period because I can actually walk without getting pains down my legs and back. Thank you for not giving up on me when I’d pretty much given up on myself, THANK YOU!!
Long may this contraception-ship last. Lots of love, Maria xxx
Dear my period,
Why do you make me cry over nothing, feel nauseous constantly but also only live on a diet of sugar and salt? Why do I not only get horrific period cramps, of which I have prescribed medication for, but also pre-period cramps? What did I ever do that made you treat me this way? I thought we were in this together, I thought this was a team effort to get through just one week out of a month? Instead I feel more like I’m being attacked by my own body, I’m in pain for two weeks from the moment my boobs start hurting to the last period cramp before the period ends, I’m sad for two weeks from the minute the PMS begins to the last time I use a pad, my skin is awful for two weeks and I feel like I’m gonna vomit or consume everything sugary ever made for two weeks. And I know it’s only two weeks out of a month and there are worse things I could endure but seriously? I’m reaching the end of my tether here, just once can you work with me and not against me? All the best, Aileen.
Dear my non attentive nurse,
I am currently 17 and around 6 months ago I decided I wanted to go on the pill. My nurse got confused about the different types of pill, thus I used my previous research to come to a decision on my own. She did not properly examine me and next time I went for a check up my mum looked at the computer screen and she had made up results from tests I did not have done and put them on the system.
This has made me super uncomfortable with the nurse as she seems to not know what she is doing. I know I won’t be going back to that doctors!
Dear my PERIOD, can you PLEASE for once just have a regular cycle and stop missing months or having TWO in one month, I have been to the doctors for this and apparently there is nothing wrong with you so can you please get your shit together it’s been 6 years! also would you kindly stop having odd periods which make me be physically sick and have flu like symptoms?
Love, the body you are currently messing around
Dear my two implants,
Where did the love go? Our first 2.5 years were great: no periods, no cramps, just me and you keeping those hormones at bay. But then things changed. It seems like all those periods that went un-bled had built up inside until my body just couldn’t take it anymore and let them all free. So after 6 weeks of constant bleeding I got myself a new partner (because that’s how long it can take to get an appointment with someone trained to remove/replace implants in rural England). Apparently my experience is common, many will find their implant turns vengeful towards the end of its three year life, however (as with most hormonal contraception side effects) their symptoms may vary to mine.
The second implant is a similar story although the vengeance started a whole year before its time was up. This time it was craftier too, allowing me breaks in the bleeding just long enough for me to think “Oh good, its over. Things are getting back to normal.” But no.
So far Mirena is treating me better and hopefully we have multiple calm years together ahead.
Best wishes, Georgia
Dear shot
Hi! Just a reminder that I love you! Just have to get you once a month and you keep me from having babies so yeah!
But is it necessary that you make Miss Period crazy? I mean, I have to see her twice a month. Once the day that she is supposed to come and once days before I have to get you again.
Well, you are worth it I guess
Ps: I take an estrogen and progesterone shot once a month
Dear my microgestin,
You’ve put me through slight depression, weight gain, and just general sickness. But BESIDES all of that, you’ve made my skin clear up, my cramps disappear, and balanced my mood, and I appreciate it. A lot.
Dear uterus/overies,
Again I apologise for failing to fertilise that egg you so lovingly prepared for me this month. I know you now need to release the red rains upon me. If you could just ease up on the downpour those first couple of days it would be amazing. I know you are excited about starting all over again but just think of the floods I have to deal with!
I respect your need for this monthly tango we dance and I am forever grateful that I can fairly accurately predict when this day will come (so I don’t end up walking through work and you suddenly empty yourself leaving me panicked and unprepared).
I do appreciate that you had a quiet word with the hormone god and released me from the mood swing angels lifetime grip. Also I enjoy the ranvonus urge for food that you give to me once a month but I feel it can be a little excessive on the chocolate and biscuit side at times.
Overall I think we have a good working relationship and because of this I have never had to suppress you with medical devices or chemicals. Just remember that I have been kind to you, please ensure you return the favour when I get around to fertilising that egg!
Love,
Louise x
Dear PCOS,
What did I do to deserve this? And why have few doctors taken me seriously? Being 16, fairly overweight, hairy and covered in acne isn’t not good for a young girls self-esteem. Yet, when I went to the doctors I was told time and time again that your only solution was to “lose weight”. This sounded easy enough until I discovered PCOS can make you resistant to insulin and therefore, losing weight for me has always been an uphill battle. I was made to feel like you were all my fault; it felt as though my fat-self was to blame for having this condition but this wasn’t the case. You’re genetic and you’re only exacerbated by weight. But you also make it hard for me to lose weight.
Well, I just wanted to let you know that 3 years later, I have met a doctor who has taken me seriously. She’s prescribed me Metformin which has helped with my acne, my facial hair and most of all I’ve lost a stone in weight. It might take me a long time, and I might still be on medication to have a period once every 4 months but I’m managing you for the first time in my life.
Nevertheless, you should know you still scare me. I might have won part of the battle but I haven’t won the war. I’m scared that in years to come, having children will be difficult. I’m scared that you will take away something that has been important to me for so many years. But the scariest part is that I won’t know until further in the future.
That’s amazing. I have yet to find a “solution”. Need to lose weight but as you say, it’s so difficult with PCOS.
To my first time menstrual cup,
Why did you have to be so hard to get in? I tried so many times and celebrated when I finally got you in position. I was chuffed, then went to remove it many hours later. After some wiggling I finally got a grasp and then bam. A tsunami of fresh red blood all over the sleeve of my jumper. Yay. To top it off I was at my nan’s house. Thus ensued my ‘big nosebleed’. I haven’t used you again.
Dear Depo Injection, you’ve been the best to me. No mood swings, no cramps, heck, even no periods after a while! But why are you so needy? 11 weeks instead of 12 or else I get a 2 month long period? There’s teething problems and then there’s that. Glad we came to an understanding!
Dear Period and everything hormone related,
You suuuuuck. Though I was lucky enough to not get you for the first time until I was 13, you haven’t been the nicest to me. You came more often than usual. Sometimes you would show up every two weeks for about 3 months, and then not show up for a month and a half! Do you want to be around or not! Then when I was 18 I finally went on the pill just to regulate you and hopefully clear up my terrible acne. Though you did nothing to help the acne, you’ve now stayed SO regular, I can always expect you on Thursday morning the week of my placebo pill week.
It’s nice having you be so regular, but why did you keep all the acne! When you come around period, why do you make my vagina hurt so bad it feels like it’s going to fall off! The cramps range from torture to light pressure. The mood swings are either in full swing or not there at all. You confuse me so much! What do you want from me!
Even though you drive me insane and I’m already sick of having you 10 years later, it’s nice to know that you being around means everything is working the way it should be.
Tata for now period! See you in 9 days!
Dear tampons,
10 year old me was terrified of you, 13 year old me tried you but failed, 18 year old me thought there was something wrong when you wouldn’t fit in me, 19 year old me FINALLY has mastered the art of you. Not to say there’s anything wrong with not using you ( I would be one to know), but it’s a great comfort to know that we’re buds now. All the best, Emma.
Dear urologists, dear health care system,
I had chronic UTIs every couple of weeks for about 4 years. I went to several different doctors, I spent a week in hospital, I took so many antibiotics, I drank all the cranberry juice, apple cider vinegar, and special teas in the world.
Nobody took me seriously. Every urologist and GP I went to told me UTIs are normal if you have a vagina, gave me some antibiotics and sent me home. It was so painful and even more frustrating!
It took a lot of research, a urologist who specialises in people with vaginas and 150€ (because she was a private doctor who my insurance wouldn’t pay for) but I am finally free of the chronic UTIs!! She took me seriously, recognised my pain and frustration and did not just send me off with some quick fix but actually did her job and helped me long term!
Take women and their health care seriously! Spend more money on typically female health issues!
And, dear fellow sufferers: there is hope, it’s not normal, try to find someone who will actually take the time to help you!
Dear Hormonal Acne,
Sorry, but why do you need to exist? As if it’s not enough to have sore boobs, mood swings and bloating the week before my period, you come along and provide a sign to the world that this gal is about to get a visit from Aunt Flo. I wouldn’t mind a spot or two – I’m used to having that most of the time – BUT a bunch of tiny pink mountains colonising my chin and jaw are NOT welcome. Also, you are very sore and I hate it.
Please feel free not to come back. I’ll see if I can get an eviction notice written up.
k thanks bye.
Dear Helen (yes, my pill was called Helen?!)
I am happy you and I broke up. Literally happy, because the dullness and depression you caused have left very soon after we parted. I enjoyed our first 2 years together, I loved that you stopped my periods completely and I never had to worry about it at all. The last two years were bad, you made my emotions go flat and in combination with me completely tuning my life around twice (!) in two years we were just no longer meant to be.
I will miss the great skin you gave me, teen acne didn’t stand a chance against you.
I think that might be the one thing I miss greatly, because being a twenty something with acne is not something I would ever become and it’s taking a massive toll on my self confidence.
Helen, I hope we never meet again.
Bye
Dearest period,
with all due respect, fuck you and your cramps and your 70-day cycle. fuck you.
At least i feel again..
Dear my beautiful little blood stained menstrual cup. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you because Mirena stole your limelight. She got removed today so it won’t be long until we see each other again. I miss you and I miss the way you protect me and my underwear from leakages. I took you for granted and I’m sorry, I just want to be able to use you again. You’re always there when the flow runs heavy and I want to thank you for that. You’ll be my love for up to ten years. Yours lovingly, Cara
Dear My Period,
We’ve had an annoyingly long run. Ups, downs, and little bumps here and there.
Whilst you make every month VERY painful, I don’t regret you at all!
I know I cuss you out and make you out to be the bad guy, but, I really do love you and I am very happy you are a part of me. I’m glad I’m comfortable sharing all about you with my close friends and very blessed that I share more with my friends because of you.
Life with you isn’t always easy and painless, but in the long run, you will be a very important key for the future I want.
I grow and mature learning all about you and you’ve brought me to know so much about myself and the way I handle my personal things.
Stick around, we’ll have a long journey together.
With love,
Mayvis.
Dear my PCOS,
You’ve made my life as a female going through puberty pretty complicated. Unfortunately it isn’t any easier now that I’m 23 years old. I’ve never had a regular period ranging from too frequently to going more than a year without one. Due to my additional condition of Lupus Anti-coagulant/ Anti-phospholipid syndrome dealing with you is even more complicated. I can’t take regular birth control with estrogen and so you’ve been a real pain at times. Having cysts on your ovaries that randomly burst sucks! After being diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and having my colon removed you have definitely taken a back seat. Who knows where we’ll go next. 🙂
Dear Diva Cup!
Why would you just work every few days?!
It’s like were best friends one day, me just minding my own business, almost forgetting about you, and you doing your job perfectly.
And then just a few hours later or the next day it’s like were two complete strangers with totally different ideas on how things should work. Sometimes I can’t even use you one these days, because the emptying and inserting is just too painful for me to handle. Or if we manage that part, you just don’t want to open up all the way and the entire torture of putting you in was pointless 🙁
Such a love/hate relationship 🙁
Dear my sex drive, long time no see. Why after months of nothing have you returned right before my period? Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled your back but in a few days this gonna get messy. Love, Rebecca.
P.S. I see you’re enjoying the new genre of porn I’ve picked, but can you please tone it down in the middle of the working day.
Dear vag, while you and I were both freaked that day I managed to have two tampons in at the same time – without ever noticing before pulling the cord(s) – we just can’t make the switch to the cup quite yet. Maybe when I finally move in with my gal pals and stop living with guy friends the environment will support boiling a cup in the kitchen. Until then – just let me know next time! I’m trying! Sincerely yours, K
There are rubber-y expandable cups that you can fill with water and put menstrual cups in and cook in the microwave if you’d like to be more discrete! There are also sanitizing tablets that exist that will sanitize your cup in room- or cold-temperature water!
Dear my contraceptive implant,
I love you. Like, I really love you. Okay, maybe it was a bit freaky when we were first introduced, and maybe you make my periods last two weeks after not bleeding at all for three months (I don’t take it personally), but you’ve well and truly guarded my oven from any potential buns.
And I love you for that.
Emily Aagaard // https://www.emilyaagaard.com
Dear my bloating stomach,
We have grown up together and our relationship has also grown over the years . When I started getting my period I was so confused. Why can’t i fit into my jeans? Do I eat too much on my period? You made me feel ugly and weird, no one had told me about you, you weren’t involved in that talk with my mum or the lesson at school. Soon my already low self confidence plummeted, I was scared that people would notice you popping out from under my t shirts and skinny jeans and people might know that I was “on” or just think that I was fat, an idea that terrified me at the time. I started buying big jumpers and hid myself away. scared my friends who laugh
As the years past I changed. I bought jeans and tops I liked but still fitted while I had you so I could fit into my clothes, I started to expect you but not like you, you always turned up the day before blood turned up and left a few days after and there was nothing that could stop that so I just adapted around you, I saw you as an embarrassing but unenviable part of life and my period and my self confidence grew. I became a more open person; I would go out on my period and enjoyed life, a few of my close friends new about you . You were like an annoying classmate, I didn’t like you but I could still enjoy the lesson with you around.
Over the last year we have got on better. You are my warning bell for my irregular period and I have grown to like you, I realised that you are something natural and that I don’t always need to hid, especially from myself, you go away again. Over the years since you first turned up I have gained weight and I have also gained confidence, turning from a little kid who tried to hide away scared that I wasn’t pretty enough to a women who is healthy in body and mind and I have learnt that a changing body isn’t something to be ashamed of.
Liz
Dear Period, wanna hit me up when you feel ready to be regular again. It’s been two years since I had the implant out, please calm down.
Yours sincerely, annoyed human.
Dear period…why you suck so much? And why you have to come in yhe most inopportune times?! Like in my car.. in a trip of 2h and no painkillers.. I know ..i know..i need you in my life but can you be nicer to me pls? I just want a normal life (being dramatic)actually you are better not then before..4 days is better ten 6 or 7.. ok ok ..you win i gess.
Love,
Ana
Oh Mirena, we spent a rolleroaster 11 months together. Today we parted ways. You decided to get lost and travel North in my uterus along with your strings, which left me and doctors worried. A ultrasound confirmed you were indeed still there, you just needed space to adjust. You took away my period which made things so much easier for my Chronic Illness but a few months back you turned me into a crazy lady so I decided it was time for us to part. You played yo-yo in my womb, going North and South every few days but the wonderful nurse managed to locate your strings and free me of your mind games. I saw you lying on the trolley after we parted ways and I knew the decision was for the best. I wish you all the best in the medical bin and thank you for the few good things you did. Yours sincerely, Cara
(Not so) dear acne, I went on my first pill to stop you from happening so much. At the time, I thought this was mainly a good excuse to start birth control. Fortunately for you, this first pill didn’t do very well, Even more fortunately for you, the second pill I tried made my skin look even worse! Third time’s the charm, however, and you (kind of) went away for a while. But during this whole ordeal I had also figured out that I wasn’t really going to need the pill for any other reason besides your presence. Because I am actually a huge lesbian. So, once I realised that I thought being on the pill just for you was a bit drastic. So i quit and you came back with a vengeance. After a few months of being fairly miserable, I decided to start the pill again. You went away again but it left me feeling uncomfortable about all the hormones I was putting in my whole body just to deal with you. I actually found a really great cream recently that helps me even more than the pill does so I quit the pill again. This time, hopefully for good.
See you never, acne,
Kaloe
Dear my Whole Reproductive System, all the Friends in my Microbiome, and our temporary buddy Placenta,
I am pregnant again, which is very exciting, thank you all for working properly and getting us to this point. Some of you don’t know this but during our first pregnancy there was an infection in the last placenta, an abruption at the uterine wall, and early cervical dilation. My doctors and I are not sure what caused what, but the whole package resulted in a preterm birth for my first baby. I know you have a lot going on right now but I would really prefer not to do that again this time so if you could try hard to not do those things again I would really appreciate it.
Thanks!
Nervous and Expecting
Disease, Disorders, and Infections
Dear PMDD,
You, the lesser known cousin of PMS. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder; sounds pretty mental, doesn’t it? It sure feels like it for me. I always thought I was just an anxious person with a bit of depression thrown in for colour. Little did I know, my mental struggles were intrinsically tied to the time of the month.
Specifically, 1 week before starting my period, I would suffer the following symptoms:
– mood swings
– irritability
– feeling hopeless
– intense anger
– feeling out of control
– decreased interest in activities
– IBS flares (yes, irritable bowel, which is almost worse than PMDD)
– AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!
I think I am one of the few people who actually welcome the first day of their period, That morning is like waking up after a long winter to spring again, where my brain feels clear and relieved.
So, thanks to my eternally patient partner and family for helping me filter what’s real and what’s my brain overreacting due to my premenstrual dysphoria.
And as for you, PMDD, I guess I’ll be seeing (feeling) you soon.
Love, Ivana
Hey! I have PMDD too. It was horrible. On those days before my period I was lucky if I got two or three hours of sleep. I could do nothing. I almost screwed up things that would have ended up affecting my life in a big way because of my intense mood swings and rage. And what actually really helped me are agnus-castus tablets. WhereI live you can even get them without prescription. They make my life so much better and I don´t have to constantly be terrified of the week before my period.
Love, Romina
My dear bleeding uterus,
Hi there, it’s me, your neighbour from the top floor. For the past few years, ever since you moved in, we had our ups and downs. We used to have trouble communicating: I was never sure when you are going to visit, your appearances changing with the seasons. But I thought we were past that. For the last couple of months we’ve been able to live together in peace. We had our system, everything was working perfectly. What changed? Have I done something to offend you? My dear Uterus, I realise we’ve been dealing with a lot of recently but you kicking and screaming does not help me deal with it. Not focusing in class because you decided to throw yourself a bloody party on the bottom floor has been less than ideal. I’m not telling you to stop completely, I was just wandering if you could turn down the volume just a bit. It would be a great help.
Thanks,
Your Neighbour from the top floor,
Monika
P.S Thanks for accepting your temporary roommate – the Cup. You’ve been more than understanding with him and that’s great news.
Dear Pill,
I hate you!
I hate putting you into my body every day. I hate that you are THE most cost effective form of contraception.
I used to think we had a good thing going. You kept me from going pregnant and I promised to remember you everyday… mostly…
But then there was that month in Ukraine, I couldn’t find you so I had to settle for one of your sisters. I crashed hard. It was 21 days of the deepest depression I’ve had in years.
Since then I’ve wondered? Are you really my friend? How much of my low grade depression and anxiety are on YOU? Would not taking you cure me?
Why is it that I can’t talk to anyone about this? There’s this bad habit in Portugal of doctors thinking their holy men… what they say is written in stone and you as a mere mortal have no say. FUCK THAT! It’s name body and I’m not fucking crazy. I cagey a day on my treatment and I have a right to know and understand my options.
We need a new type of doctor, one that listens. And we need a new type of contraception that doesn’t make us sick.
Dear Sofia,
I feel like was in your shoes, just in Germany. I wanted to let you know that at least here, there’s the option of buying your own copper coil and just having an appointment for insertion with a doctor. And there’s copper coils on the market in the range of 20-30€. The insertion is a little bit expensive, but if it works, you got peace for years.
I also had to go to about five doctors until one was willing to at least check if my uterus would fit a coil. Turns out it does, comfortably.
When I stopped taking my pill (supposedly an extra light one with extra well-tolerable, natural-ish hormones), I became almost a different person. I thought my depression was ok, but I have been told so often how my mood is better, I’m more stable and generally content with life after stopping the pill that I was almost scared. The pill did keep me down for years. Apart from causing tons of headache which also wasn’t great. And it was unnoticeable for me from the inside.
So really, if you feel that you might have depression from the hormones, look into getting rid of them. Remember that your body might need months to adjust to using your own hormones.
I wish you the best of luck in getting what is best for you. You touched a chord with me, as I have felt (and feel) the same about doctors.
Much love,
Vera
Dear tampons,
I’m sorry that I was scared to use you for so long. You have saved my life, or at least a lot of my underwear, Trousers and bedding.
Dear my first Mirena,
you were so good to me. We met when I was 17 and really had no idea what I was inviting into my body for 5 years. But you were a good roommate in this body of mine. You were with me through so many exciting and new things- leaving school, moving to a new city, university, the sex stuff… You took my period away, but had the decency to provide a monthly ovulation-cramp to let me now you were doing your job. It feels kind of weird that I’ve moved three times in those five years and always took the same, unopened box of emergency-tampons with me.
But last year you moved out. You were replaced. Funnily enough, it was also the first time I also took a proper look at you. As I was sitting in the gynaecological chair, local anaesthesia and painkillers working their magic, the nurse asked me if I wanted to keep you and I just loudly said “YES PLEASE”. Five minutes later I was lying down in another room at the doctor’s, a gigantic picture of sunflowers on the wall as the nurse came in and handed you to me. You were simultaneously bigger and smaller than I expected. And I got strangely emotional. You had been with me for 5 whole years. Every step of the way, just doing your thing while I was doing mine.
My best friend might have thought I was a bit creepy, enthusiastically showing you to her 10 minutes later, but I kept you. You are still in my room, tucked away so nobody stumbles upon you by mistake. I don’t think I will ever throw you away. Sometimes I just like to remember how amazing science and bodies are by looking at you.
You were my first and you were good to me. Because of that I wasn’t afraid to get a second one. Thank you for that. I really appreciate all the work you’ve done. I hope you had a good ride as well.
In Liebe,
Hannah
Dear Testoseterone, I wish I didn’t have to remember to rub you into my shoulders everyday just to prevent the rest of my body doing it’s thing but I’m still very grateful for you. Thanks for stopping the period which I refused to learn about in primary school as I presumed it would never happen to me (thanks to presuming I would develop into a boy), so was extremely shocked and confused when it did. Thanks for slowly giving me the changes that I’ve waited for 2.5 years on the NHS waiting lists for. Thanks for everything, but god you’re hard to remember to apply every morning!
Dear bowel movements,
No one ever talks about you, especially when it comes to how YOU change during the menstrual cycle. I eat well and exercise so most of the time you are great, thanks for that! Just firm, quick and consistent plops for most of the month. But about a week before my period you go crazy! Like, stop it. Pooease!
First, you decide to disappear. You don’t answer to me for a few days, pretending like you don’t exist. I get all bloated and get stomach pains which would be manageable without the terrible mood swings and raised consciousness of how I look during that time as well. Then when you decide to show your face it is like THE WHOLE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU. Poop, everywhere. Soft and smelly. It feels like you never end! AND THERE’S BLOOD. Like, can you even get more dramatic? Okay, I know the blood isn’t your fault per se, but you two seem to hang out together a lot over my period. Sometimes I feel like the turd wheel to you two.
You are a dear friend of mine. We’ve known each other for a long time and we’ve gone through ups and downs together, but I just feel that since I push you to be the best version of you, you could work on being a better friend to me during the difficult time that is my period.
With love, Heta.
Dear my period, Why do you hate me. Be for the pill I would pass out from pain or throw up with nausea and with the pill I feel stressed and moody for a week with aching hips and headaches.
Dear my PMDD,
You made my mental health a living hell from the moment I started my period at the tender age of 11 years old. I had already been diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic attacks when you came along. From the ages of 11 to 16, my mental health spiraled around that time of the month. I missed school because of my physical symptoms (cramps, diarrhea, migraines, aching boobs) and my mental ones (depressive episodes, panic attacks, general anxiety). I felt so awkward and ashamed. I had to explain to my teachers and peers why I missed a week of school each month (one of my guy friends thought I was a werewolf). For some reason, my pediatrician thought this was normal and it would even out in a couple years. I wasn’t diagnosed with you by my general doctor or my gynecologist but by my psycharitrist who I went to for anxiety. I was referred to a gynecologist but everyone in my life (doctors, parents and myself) were hesitant to put me on the pill until I was a bit older and started having sex. Well, fast forward a few years to when I was 16 and attending a strict private school. I was extremely busy and taking college-level classes. I was under a lot of stress but my anxiety was managed with medication and therapy. The physical symptoms still persisted though. I couldn’t miss a week of school every month. I had also started dating my first serious boyfriend. I decided to go on the pill. I take melodetta and it has changed my life. After the first month, all of my symptoms went away and my periods are light and regular. You have sucked, PMDD, but I am so glad you are managed now.
Thank you for letting me tell my story,
Layna
Dear my PCOS,
it took me a lot of years (diagnosed at 21) to eventually name what was the thing that made me hairier than most of my peers, or with slightly screwed up menstrual cycles. But what a trick you played on me! Even though I’m extremely thin (and always have been), you messed up my relationship with food, thanks to you causing me a condition called “insulin-resistence”. A year has passed since the day I received my first ever nutrition plan, since the day I was crying in my dad’s car after the gyno appointment because I had just been told that I could not eat bread or pasta ever again.
It has definitely been a journey. I changed my life 360°. It pushed me into making a lot of other decisions I would never had had the guts to make. I learnt a lot about myself. It started the chain reaction which eventually pushed my dad towards seriously dieting in order to avoid diabetes.
So, screw you PCOS, because without you I would have had a lot less insecurities as a kid and less guilt eating a small piece of bread now. But I guess, in a way, thank you PCOS, because I can tell now that I’m a lot stronger than what I used to be.
Laura
Dear the implant,
I have a lot to thank you for. First of all, thank you for nearly completely stopping my periods. Between 16 and 20, I’ve had a grand total of 3 periods (did not appreciate one of those being on my 18th birthday though). This has saved me from many things, debilitating cramps, horrible mood swings, any more awful awkward period sex with my ex when we couldn’t get our clothes fully off and I got blood on his white t-shirt (Never. Again).
You also did (are doing) your job in preventing me becoming pregnant. Great job!
On a more superficial level, you also helped clear up my horrible spotty skin, thank you lots for that!!
All in all youare the perfect contraception for me and I’m glad I got it right my first go… unlike my exboyfriend. lol.
All the best, Lowri
Dear Periods! We have been with each other for 11 good years. Yeah, I can’t believe this either. But you are always good to me. Earlier you had tortured me with your lovely cramps. But after sometime you were good. I have the most calm experience with you than my friends. NO cramps, no overflow but yes MOOD SWINGS. That’s the only thing annoying about your time with me.
Dear current birth control, you are the best. I’ve been with one other before you, they were okay, but I knew I deserved better. As someone with a period AND a mood disorder, my previous pills helped me not stain everything I sat on or leaned against, but the premenstrual anxiety and depression just made it hard to function as it was. We’ve been together for going on 8 months now and I don’t think I could be happier. Yeah, I spot sometimes, but for someone who used to hang my head in shame seeing what I left behind on school chairs, spotting is a gift.
May we continue to do amazing work together.
Love, Melissa
Dear menstrual cup, you are a godsend. I have never been more scared than when I pulled out a tampon that had been inside of me for three days. Also, dear body, thank you for taking all the crap I put you through, you are a hero. This is what motivated me to buy a menstrual cup, but I didn’t realise what a privilege you were until I lived in Bolivia for two months. Two weeks after getting there, my period came with the usual cramps, exhaustion, hunger and general I-want-to-die-soon feelings. I used to walk for half an hour to get to my work at a special education school, but I couldn’t those days, and I was fortunate enough to have the money to take the bus; so many teachers got to school close to fainting because they had to come in from the other side of the city while basically bleeding out. I had the privilege of going to the bathroom every hour to empty my cup, I had the privilege to be popping pills left and right to numb the stabbing pain, I had the privilege to eat whatever and how ever much I wanted because I was ravenous, and above all I had the privilege to own a menstrual cup that helped me manage my extremely heavy period when there was no light and no water in that tiny, dirty bathroom, and feel clean and healthy. Sharing my experience with so many women who just had to woman up through their period with no help made me feel so, so very lucky. I love you, menstrual cup, for helping me and the environment, and I just wish you weren’t an unattainable privilege for so many people.
Dear the implant,
My dear, you were supposed to be the miracle contraception. The contraception which I literally didn’t need to remember anything for it to work.
Alas, my dear, you forgot to mention the endless (4-5 months) of spotting I have endured because of you before you were jammed in my arm. Thank you and my body for that one. What a wonderful pairing you are!
It’s okay though, you have until I’m settled at uni again to sort the bleeding situation out with my body or I’m evicting you from my arm. Although effective contraception you are, a hospitable tennant you are not.
Lots of love/annoyance,
Katherine
Dear endometriosis,
Thank you so much for not being in my family genetics, yet still choosing me to settle in… I so appreciate the chronic lower back pains, headaches and heavy, lumpy periods <3 I love that the only cure for it is the pill, something I hoped to avoid as a lesbian who is scared of getting bigger boobs because of hormones. You really make my life uncomfortable, painful and dependant on strong, muscle pain medication…
Regards, your host Estela
Dear Mirena Coil,
I’m going to have you fitted in a few weeks and I’m very nervous. Please be kind to my uterus and don’t poke it too much. Also, it would be great if you could not give me acne, sore boobs, and please.. no babies! I’m looking forward to meeting you and having you live inside me for five years.
Ohh and special shoutout to the NHS, they are giving me you for free, whereas back home (NL) you would cost around €200! (No. Not that you’re not worth it, Mirena, I never said that. Please, don’t get pissy with me now).
Lots of love,
Jessie
Hi Jessie,
I have had the coil for over a year now. The first year I found to be a bit up and down but now I get no periods whatsoever and it’s so hassle free! And don’t worry about the insertion! Just make sure you take the day easy and have some chocolate and a hot water bottle (and if you’re like me- Friends on Netflix). Obviously everyone’s experiences are different but I’m sure you won’t regret it!
Dear Antibiotics & My Pill – I really wish my oral surgeon had reminded me you don’t mix when I got my wisdom teeth taken out, but they didn’t. The resulting pregnancy and abortion weren’t nearly as traumatic as I initially thought they’d be, but they weren’t exactly fun. When I got an ear infection, the clinic doctor didn’t warn me about your rivalry either, but I knew better by then. I asked him why he didn’t mention it and he said there’s such a low chance that doctors don’t usually bother. Ouch.
Dear My Ovaries,
Why do you give me big stabbing pains whenever you release an egg, no one told me that could happen and when you first started doing it I thought I was very ill (side note: why did no one ever mention this in sex Ed? It turns out that it’s very normal to get cramps in one side when you ovulate)
Well, thanks for seeming to work okay other than that and please help me out by releasing me lots of eggs for my IVF.
Love from Lucy
Dear my pill; Loestrin 20,
I’ve been using you for almost a year now and couldn’t tell if you were responsible for my frequent yeast infections and my irritable bowels. I have since found out that this was other factors and I now hold you dear to me as my protector of pregnancy. I don’t know how long you’ll be in my life, but for now – I am grateful to have you here.
Dear mental health,
Why do you continously go up and down before and during my period? Yes, I know, cramps are killing me too. And yes, having cravings brings back anorexia and binge eating memories, BUT OH MY GAWD can you PLEASE leave me alone in this difficult time? I mean, I could ease all the various problems with a pill but ya know, I cured my acne with creams and I have only had lesbian sex in my life so far. OH ALSO, can we talk about how you react when my ovaries are a bit late on the month? Like, you don’t need to doubt everything people say about you and yes, you can get off of bed tomorrow morning, yoU HAVE TO.
Keep it up
Your lovely compliant subdued
This isn’t the kind of format you recommended, but I hope it makes the cut!
I’m 14 years old and I started my periods about a year and a half ago, in wales, up snowden, with my friends family. It was very scary, as although I have been thoroughly educated on the whole topic of menstruation, I felt as though I had lost all of my knowledge during the time. I had to wait around 6 hours until we got back to their holiday cottage, and luckily, after that I was fine. They aren’t the most regular, but I know they hopefully will find their cycle soon.
Another story!!!
My little sister (13 years old) has ASD SPD and DCD (the new fancy shmany term for dyspraxia, apparently) so whenever periods, or boobs, or sex ever came up (I have quite an open relationship with my family), she would either scream, run away, or cover her ears and start singing the My Little Pony theme tune. So naturally, all of my family were slightly petrified, just waiting for the day to come- and her to go into a massive tantrum, that would last her entire period length. So when she did start, it was agin, on holiday, in Scarborough, with family friends, me and my mom. She woke up in the morning with her Harry Potter pjs on (she is completely fixated on it atm) as idle as can be, then locked herself in the bathroom for about 40 minutes. It was really scary, not going to lie, but once she’d let my mom into the toilet, let her bath her, get dressed and put a pad on, she seemed to slowly be getting used to the idea, she’d carry a backpack full of period ammo, and change them herself (!) whenever she went for a wee. She’s only had one so far, but I think she’ll slowly just see them more as an annoyance, rather than a life altering week.
I guess I just wanted to say this to any other ‘teens’ who are nervous about getting their periods. Or other people who have siblings with autism, or who have autism, that it will be ok! They aren’t the end of the world, and although seem scary at the time, you will just get used to them- because it’s ALL naturale!
-Carys xxx
Dear Vaginismus,
Gotta be honest, I’m not a fan of you, but I suppose you were trying to protect me in your own weird way.
Vaginismus is essentially when your vagina’s reaction to penetration is “NOPE” and for want of a better phrase, the doors are shut! This ranges from being permanent, to a one off.
For me, if you want a reason other than bad luck for why I struggled with this, the first time I had sex, my boyfriend and I didn’t use lube. I know, ouch. So then for a while when we tried, for reasons beyond me at the time, he just wasn’t getting in, however much we tried. After some standard Googling I found the condition’s name, a very helpful video by Rowan Ellis, and some stretches to do.
These are the stretches that really helped me: https://www.pelvicpain.org.au/for-women/easy-stretches-to-relax-the-pelvis-women/
After practising the stretches for a week or so, some open communication with my boyfriend, and a hearty combo of patience and lube, it wasn’t something I suffered with anymore.
So moral of the story, if it’s hurting, don’t suffer in silence – talk to your partner, try what the internet suggests, and be patient.
Dear contraceptive pill,
I’m sorry but this can’t go on anymore. I wish I had been warned by the person who introduced to you, just how much you’d mess with my emotions. I’d heard rumours from a few friends that you can make people depressed and unhealthy but i chose to ignore that, I figured I’d be different? I know you can work well with others, but our relationship was toxic. I can’t take you anymore because I don’t want to be depressed anymore. It’s been months since I’ve last seen you now and I’m still feeling unbalanced, fragile and sad. Some people are suggesting I go back to you, that you’ll change, but I can’t take that risk anymore. I know you were protecting me but I think I’d rather protect myself from now on. I’m sick of people undermining my depression because it’s to do with you, and that I should just be able to get over it, but I don’t feel like I can go back to the way I felt before.
Dear My Miscarried Baby,
I didn’t know you were there, I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was losing you. We did all the things to stop us from conceiving you however you fought your way through and succeeded for a little while at least. I’m sorry I failed you, the way you changed my body in the little time you were inhabiting it was insane. The loss of you made my body feel like it was ripping in half. I was moody and crying and I know it’s because of the changes you were causing my body to go through. After you were gone my body felt empty, I was no longer whole. I was lost because I didn’t have you anymore. In the time when I didn’t know I was pregnant I did notice the changes but I chalked them up to stress. The boob aches, the moodiness, the constant stream of tears that seemed to follow that moodiness, and of course the weight gain in my tummy. I am a very slim girl and the fact that my tummy poked out a little worried me but I was too scared to take a pregnancy test because I almost didn’t want to know. I wanted to pretend everything was still the way it was before. But then I lost you and I can never go back. the guilt I feel is overwhelming. My hormones have never quite been the same since and it’s been almost 2 years.
I’m sorry, Little one.
-Your Mother
Dear Jayde,
I’m so sorry this happened to you but please remember you’re not the only one out there who’s dealt with situations like yours. I don’t have much to say or advice I can give because I don’t have ovaries or a womb myself, but the way you signed off this message really hit home – ‘your mother’.
I hope that next time if you decide to get pregnant or even if it happens again by accident, you’re happy and healthy, as well as your child. I genuinely and wholeheartedly wish you the very best, you deserve nothing less.
Solidarity,
Leah
I’m looking forward to the disorders theme, cuz boy have I got some stories about vaginismus (doctors taking me seriously, testing, and medicinal dildos to name a few)!
Dear my menstrual cup,
You stress me out. In theory, I love you. You are environmentally friendly, you are time and cost effective, you save me having to change pads during the day, and you are made by amazing companies that support ethical causes. So why oh why do you make me feel sick every time I remove and re-insert you? You should be amazing – but I find it so hard to use you. I tried so hard – for almost a year – to use you every month but eventually I had to call it quits. I still tell myself every time this time of month rolls around that maybe next month I will get back into using you but I beginning to doubt this is true.
We are in a time of amazing change in my country (Scotland) and free sanitary products are being introduced in all public buildings, such as schools, libraries, universities, etc. This is an amazing thing that will benefit thousands and thousands of suffering young people who cannot afford pads and tampons. However, I am very lucky in that me and my family have always been able to afford to buy sanitary products. This means that I was able to buy myself a menstrual cup, and I am able to use it in a safe, clean and healthy way. So, again in theory, I support to use of the menstrual cup more than ever for people who can safely use it as a potential increase in disposable sanitary products incurs (I am not criticising this, it is 100% necessary and amazing and I would not want it any other way!) I want to be able to support the things I believe in, such as the sustainability of menstrual cups, but my body doesn’t allow it. I could suffer through, the nausea only lasts about half an hour and the additional cramps it gives me go away after some painkillers, but I don’t want to put my body through this twice a day for 5 days a month.
So, menstrual cup, what do you have to say for yourself? Why have you done this to me? Here I sit, throwing away multiple pads a day that I could easily stop using and donate to someone that needs them much more than me, but instead I have to keep using them because you won’t let me use you!!!!
Love, an angry environmentalist xx
Hello Kara! 🙂
I don’t know if you’d find that gross, but another enviromentally friendly alternative would be washable and reusable pads. For me the menstrual cup works luckily, so I only own two I bought out of curiosity more than anything else, but I know some friends/aquaintances of mine that use them and like them. Of course you have to wash them etc and I know some people are yucked out by the blood, so I don’t know if that’s a possibility for you 🙂 Just wanted to mention it in case you didn’t know they excisted!
Cheers,
Amy
Dear Contraceptive Injection
You were a life saver. For the 2 years we were together you did the job you were intended to do; stop my period. Back then I thought I was trans and to deal with periods every month was too much. You gave me a reprieve, allowing me to live my life 4 weeks every month instead of 3. Now, however, you are a niggle at the back of my mind. Only after 2 years of taking you, when seeing a different doctor, was I informed you aren’t advised for people my age (late teens) as you affect bone density. This and the fact I have come to accept my body and my gender means I no longer need you. While my feelings towards you are mixed, I will always be grateful for the time you gave me to come to terms with who I am.
Love Charlie
Dear my implant.
You’re a bitch, but you’re the kind of bitch I rely on to keep me going, y’know?
Thank you implant for keeping me safe, my sex life wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying and spontaneous without you, as far as contraception goes you’re pretty dope and you keep me from having to pre plan every episode of hornyness coming my way. I know you’ve dealt me some shit; the month long stints of sort-of-bleeding, laying on the floor at night because it’s cold against my flushed cramping body, and the endless crying that is slowly turning me into my mum; but all in all its worth it, you’re a friend and a true soul mate and at the end of the day I’d much rather have you than a baby. I hope we have many more trying times to come, and much more great sex.
Yours sincerely, Neive.
Ps. While the implant can cause some pretty bad side effects (I put on a lot of weight from cravings but as soon as I recognised it was my eating and not the implant itself I was able to regulate myself to keep healthy and enjoy my body) but it’s incredibly useful, as a young person with a lack of schedule I know I wouldn’t be able to keep on top of the pill and the implant has been so incredibly useful for me. My boyfriend and I have loved it and relied on it immensely.
Dear endometriosis
You have left me unable to walk, crying on my bed, or hunched over a toilet.
You are not pretty or trendy or cute. You have made me go to several doctors who confused you with STIs, diabetes or hysteria.
Although i hate you, i really do; you have forced me to confront my body and motivated me to be as healthy as i can. I now appreciate what works in my body and learned how to live alongside you, instead of fighting you.
Dear period,
you didn’t start until I was 16 and over the years I’ve really gotten to know all the fun guises you take, like boobs that ache TWO WEEKS before my period actually appears, like my left ovary which always gets lingering cysts, like cramps that make my legs feel weak, like making my stomach feel totally off.
When I got into my first real relationship at 21, I went on the combined pill- first Microgynon which gave me awful acne, then I tried Yasmin which gave me flawless skin but made me cry and feel kinda utterly hopeless. But when I came off the pill and you returned, my breasts were getting so achey (like can’t even sleep comfortably achey), I was determined to find my PERFECT PILL, just to escape the pain.
So I decided to try the mini-pill, these worked great for a few months (you disappeared, huzzah!) until the headaches started. I came off it for a while. You returned as quick as you’d gone and I decided, hey maybe its worth the headaches? But by then a cheaper manufacturer had come out and my doctor replaced Cerazette with Cerelle. They swear to you that there they’re pretty much indistinguishable, but for some reason or another, maybe the pill itself, maybe the state of my mental health when I started taking it, Cerelle made me really anxious and hey, we KNOW from various studies that if you’re on the pill you’re 23%-34% more likely to have depression.
I also gained a lot of weight, another thing many doctors deny is true. But I ate and ate without feeling full and gained almost 2 stone from my starting weight (the nurses said it was common). But the worst thing was the bloat, Cerelle gave me the worst bloat of my life, it was like my stomach had gotten sluggish and my skin was stretched so tight. It was making me unhappy. Despite this, the impression I got from all the doctors, dear period, was to keep you suppressed no matter the cost to my mental or physical health. Keep taking those pills, because it was the responsible thing to do. I weighed up the implant and the coil but had enough horror stories from my friends about those to last me a life time, not to mention the fact I cry during cervical smears, let alone something as invasive as that.
I’m now 25 and I’ve realised I’ve been switching on and off different pills for 4 years. I’m fed up of feeling like I’m struggling alone, always waiting to see what horrendous side-effects I’ll be stuck with this time. So I’m finally off all hormonal contraceptive and back on the extremelyyyy expensive condoms. Waiting for my period to come back with a vengeance. But in a way, I’m looking forward to seeing you and slipping back into that familiar cycle. Unique to me. Better the devil you know? Just please come back a little more manageable, I’m going to exercise and everything.. xx
Dear Nexplanon, you sounded so cool! I felt like a hormone cyborg, I love how cool it feels to have you under my skin, and loved creeping people out when they could feel it too. Though, I can only say that it has only been downhill from there. I expected less periods from you, I was told that it was highly likely my period would disappear for as long as you were with me. However, that is not the experience I had.
Instead, I experienced bi-weekly periods, light most of the time, but almost as bad as my normal ‘contraceptive free’ periods. I’m excited to switch to a different contraceptive, to get rid of this hassle.
Not bonded, still bleeding
Elizabeth
Dear my endometriosis,
You my dear quite frankly suck! Just for one week I would love to not have crippling cramps, you give me the odd day here and there but do you know how incredibly difficult it is to function as a seemingly normal 24 year old whilst never knowing from one minute to the next what your pain level is going to be? Do you know how difficult it is to try and sleep when your womb literally feels like its about to fall out of your vagina? This isn’t very common (I googled) but that is exactly what it feels like! Do you know how incredibly embarrassing it is to just pass out whilst walking around a shop? Do you know how embarrassing it is to on an almost weekly basis have had unexpected bleeding and just bleed through what you are wearing? And what even are you? in my head i picture a little red drop that sort of resembles the cells I used to draw in GCSE biology but with devil horns and a pronged stick of evil death which whenever you feel like, you just jab at my organs with…
So my endometriosis sucks but do you know what sucks even more? The lack of understanding surrounding it. No two doctors have ever told me the same thing which makes this entire thing very very difficult to wrap ones head around. Doctors telling me that at 24 I shouldn’t be taking pain killers! OK then love, I can barely function whilst taking pain killers so i’ll just stop taking them and spend the rest of my menstruating life in bed shall I? Another doctor suggested surgery, he had all these promises of lasering all that horrible endometriosis away and then put in a coil to prevent it coming back. It sounded almost too good to be true, probably because it was, as that’s not how things went at all.
I went in for day surgery to have a laparoscopy to give that b**ch that is my endometriosis her eviction notice, I was excited, scared, nervous, hopeful, Basically I was feeling ALL the emotions. However, that surgery did not go to plan because you, my pain in the stomach, lower back and upper thighs had really gotten to work with taking over my entire body hadn’t you? There was no way that this gynaecologist could tackle you alone because you are on my bowel, my urethra, my womb! To no fault of your own something happened during that surgery which left me with a bowel injury and three days later I had to have emergency major abdominal surgery to repair said injury.
4 months later here I am, still in recovery from surgery to some extent but still dealing with my b**ch endometriosis. But now its not just pain, its bleeding every day, its either not being able to poop or pooping excessively, there’s no baseline anymore, it’s just continuous misery. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel, my gynaecologist (probably feeling pretty guilty about the whole puncturing my bowel thing) has given me two options in the short term. 1. Go and have an injection which brings on the menopause temporarily (I still want babies) which comes with a whole new set of symptoms and side effects! or 2. More surgery, my Mum, my Dad, my Gran, my Partner could all never trust a surgeon to go anywhere near me ever again! But it’s my body and my b**ch endometriosis so its my decision. Just know endometriosis, you haven’t won, this isn’t the end. I’m going to continue to fight against you. I’m going to go on to have kids and YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE ANYMORE. Your days are numbered so you enjoy my cosy body whilst you still can.
With all my Hate,
Your host, Kirsten Thomas.
Dear Pads without wings,
You are the worst, when i was 11 and had recently started getting my period I used you. Thought it would be fine at school they told me the wings were just in case you were particularly nervous, but not necessary. LIES. I was in the park with my friend who didn’t know I’d started having periods when I feel the pad start to slide down my leg. I try and use the glue side to stick it to my leg until I can get home. Convincing my friend we should go round mine for lunch even though it’s only 11am. I get about half way back when it dawns on me that i’m not going to make it. It’s going to fall out of the bottom of my jeans. Luckily quick thinking 11 year old me pretends to tie her shoe lace sneakily tucking you inside my sock. This is not a particularly insightful insight into being a woman, I just find it a funny all be it, slightly gross story.
Hope you stop existing and no other awkward teenage is stuck in my situation!
Love Hannah xx
Dear my screwy uterus,
I am now on my fourth type of medicine in two years to try and fix you. From starting my period at age twelve I would be in so muck pain for at least a week before it would start and continue to be in pain for days after it was finished. I would have to change my maxi pad every hour because it was so full of blood (tmi). I just thought this was normal and that everyones’ period was like this. Until I was over at a friends house and passed out because I was loosing so much blood. I then scheduled my first ever gynecologist appointment at the age of 20. My dr. said that I should try starting birth control because it helps a lot of women with their periods. The first one worked wonders until I started having extreme migraines that my doctor said could lead to a stroke. So I switch to the shot, that worked for about three months and then I started bleeding nonstop for about a month straight. They then put me on another pill that did not have any estrogen (that is what they thought caused the headaches). Once again it worked for three months and then my period came back in full force. Within this time of trying different birth controls I had multiple tests done to see if it could be endometriosis or even cysts. Nothing came back and I mean nothing. They said I had a perfectly healthy uterus. My doctor had basically given up on me and told me there was nothing else she could do for me. She said that maybe I should just have a baby and that it works for some women. (I’m 22 and perpetually single) So one day I just decided to talk to a different doctor, she prescribed me a new birth control that had the smallest amount of estrogen possible. This doctor actually believed what I was saying and wanted to do everything she could to help me. That had been going great for the past four months (new record!) until this past weekend when my period came back full force. I have given up hope that I will ever find out what is wrong or find a treatment that works. I just want to know if anyone has a similar issue or any advice they can give me. (Sorry this was so long)
*Rachel
Dear teenage years,
You held your share of changes in my hormonal journey. I’m now 21 years old and I still feel like I’m not over with this puberty thing. I keep on noticing changes. It all started with my height and weight, making me different from the other girls my age. I was tall and pretty stout but was the last of my crew to get her periods. I only had the pain and a little bit of emotional instability coming with them. And obviously not regularity whatsoever. Or at least that’s what it was for the 4 first years. It then changed again, I started to ache a few day to 2 weeks before they would started. Aching boobs, aching back, aching belly and joins, aching head and heart.
There’s only so much a person can take so I asked to get a pill to stop this PMS getting in the way of me living my life. It did help me for most of my problems but still, from one month to the next, it’s almost never the same. One month I will have a slight PMS and pain during my periods and the next, have no pain at all but bleed for up to 2 days longer and the next a 10 days PMS.
I still wonder if I should keep this pill or change or even try something else…
Dear Nexplannon,
What would I be without you? I would be crazy. And probably weigh 30 pounds less.
You came into my life at a time when I needed you the most. After having a two week long period, (with a ridiculously heavy flow) I knew we were meant to be. The way you only have progesterone is exactly what I need, after trying three different birth control pills only to realize my body didn’t react well to estrogen.
After years of trying and failing to deal with my PMDD, not only did you help me deal with my emotions, you stopped my periods all together. No longer are the days of changing my super sized tampon every hour or having a panic attack out of no where.
What we have is true love. I’ve already gotten you replaced once, and I’ll do it over and over again, as long as you’ll have me. And as long as my insurance covers you.
Love and kisses, Kayti
Dear endometriosis: you put me in hospital at 16 years old, caused me unexplainable amounts of pain, made me look crazy and caused multiple issues throughout both my life journey and my contraceptive journey. But here I am, kicking your ass😎 (as well as a nineteen year old 5ft gal can do!!) – I got my first period at 11, I have always got insane cramps during every period, but my mam did too so I thought it was normal (she doesn’t have endometriosis) I was exercising at the age of 16 and I felt a sharp pain In my ovaries, this time it wasn’t like cramp it was SO intense, I was hospitalised and I was bleeding SO badly😭 after a lot of tests I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Loads of questions did arise such as ‘how have you put up with this for 5 years’ the answer – I just kept being told ‘it’s normal every girl deals with pain during their periods’ so I was made to feel like an idiot for thinking anything different. You wouldn’t second guess a professional !! I tried the pill but I bled consistently for 3 months – still suffered insane cramps, so I decided to get the implant – it helped so much for the first 6 months! After that it was a bit hit and miss, sometimes my periods last a month, sometimes only two weeks but the pain is a lot better than it used to be. I’m trying to big myself up to get the implant out and the coil in (but I’m very scared) apparently the coil has a positive effect on endometriosis so fingers crossed!! – sorry it’s a bit of a lengthy story but I wanted to share my journey😇 I think what you’re doing is amazing.
TW eating disorders, anorexia, eating mention and all the like.
Dear Period,
you came into my life the day I turned 12 and that was an unexpected present. I had waited for you, waited to be a grown-up who bleeds, because, for my infant brain, you seemed to be so cool. And, when I compared you to my friend’s periods, you were. three days long, not much blood, no mood swings, no sore boobs, god I was lucky. I didn’t really care about you, I dealt with you like I could, and despite some spillage and ruined Snoopy-themed panties, you didn’t gave me much worry.
Then, when I reached the great old age of 16 I developed an eating disorder. You stayed with me, for a bit, then you were gone. to be honest I didn’t miss you much personally (tampons ARE expensive, so not having to buy some was a relief) but my body sure did miss you, trying to keep me alive so taking you away from me considering that bleeding, even a little, was wasted energy when my heart needed it more. After therapy, two hospital breaks, and a lot of struggle, I eventually ate again. you took a year after I started eating again to come back, maybe worried that i wouldn’t be able to handle you, i’m not sure. when you finally debarked again, like the english invading france (quick fun fact from france, when the periods are here but we don’t want to scream periods for everyone to hear, we say that “the english have arrived” because of the traditional english red uniforms) it was a surprise, again welcomed, because it meant i was doing better, at least physically. The friends I was with when this happened even clapped in front of a crowded bar on saturday night, and you know what ? i wasn’t ashamed, just happy.
I was 19, had my period back and my life, with you, as convenient as before, ahead of me.
However, only three years later, my old demons came back, and again, you disappeared. Today, as I write this, I’m 22. Ten years since you’ve arrived, and I haven’t seen you in 8 months. But I’ve been working, on myself, on my relationship with my body, on my health, n everything.. So I’m typing this, and i’m telling you, as annoying as it can be having painful pimples, having to see blood on my clean white sheets, i am looking to see you, and soon. Because you being there means I’m healthy, it means I’m doing good, it means i’m ready to go through my life, and you, honey, are gonna stay in it from now on.
Dear period, this is just not working out anymore! It’s been 2 and a half years and you just won’t go away!!!! I’ve tried every single pill and been poked and prodded by all different doctors and funny looking medical equipment but you still refuse to leave. This became an unhealthy relationship a longgggg time ago. I just want to know what it feels like to not bleed anymore – I don’t mind if you want to come back and say hello once a month but just not everyday!!! Your sincerely, you bleeding to death friend Monica Xx
Dear Implanon,
What have you done to me!? I heard from all of my friends that you are super cool and get rid of periods and are an amazing, effective contraceptive, why did you have to do me so dirty?
I had the implanon implant in for just over a year and a half and we have parted ways last week. I have a lovely stitch and multicoloured bruises as a memory of our time together.
My reasoning for choosing the implant was mostly to prevent pregnancy (it really did a great job at that) and also to help my periods. I have struggled with agonising cramps during my time of the month since age 11, so when I heard there was a chance they would stop altogether, I got very excited! I had been on two pills previously, dianette which made the entire left side of my body go numb and gave me terrible migraines, and cerazette which made me constantly moody and bleed all the time.
I decided to give the implant a try. Unfortunately we didn’t get on so well. I know for the first few months the implant can give you irregular bleeding, however, 6 months later I was spotting constantly, so I went back to my gyno and she put me on tablets to help regulate my cycle. They worked for a few months, but she only prescribed me a few months to see how I got on, and for some reason I never went back to get more. Along with the constant spotting, the implant caused me to gain weight which made me very uncomfortable and made me feel like a stranger in my own skin. My periods also began to get heavier, and instead of getting one day of agonising cramps, I got three to five days of not as terrible but still pretty terrible cramps. Sometimes my cycle would stop for a month, and the next time my period would be due I could bleed and spot for an entire month straight, sometimes two months. So after a year and 7 months, I finally said enough. I went in last Thursday to have it removed, and I already feel relief. I’m currently letting my body have a rest from hormones and then I will explore other forms of contraception (I’m leaning towards the Kyleena coil, but am also scared it will make me constantly bleed).
I’m from Ireland, and for me personally it was quite a pricey procedure to get the implant put in. I went to a gynecologist in Dublin, and it cost 50 euro for a consultation, 215 euro to buy the implant from a pharmacy and 120 euro to get it put in, however friends of mine have got it for free due to having a medical card. (A medical card is a card where you can get free or reduced rate medical care including prescriptions). To get it taken out in the same gynegologist it was 100-120 euro, however I got it removed at my local GP for 65 euro. Again this would have been free if I had a medical card.
Implanon, thank you for preventing me from pregnancy, but the side effects were just too much for me. It’s been real, but now I need to feel like myself again.
Dear shark week, I hate you. Why do you have to constantly haunt me with your pain and blood. Why do you have to cause so much pain and so much burning in my heart. I know I shouldn’t have you, I know I’m not meant to yet constantly you pop up always seemingly at the worse possible moment and just send me in a terrible downwards spiral. I can’t cope with you, you cause so much destruction and hurt. You make my depression so much worse. I can’t handle the dysphoria. Luckily I have been able to shut you up a bit recently. Taking cerazette has significantly reduced your effect however I’m still terrified in the anticipation of when you’ll show up next. I got close to 100 days without seeing you and I was so excited but then boom you hit me and I was gone I had lost again and I just couldn’t handle it. You’re like a tornado ripping a hole in my life. You’re a constant reminder that I’m not cis and that’s hard. I just wish I didn’t have you
Dear HRT,
I’m transitioning from a female body to male body. The day after I started HRT, I went to the bathroom to see that I had begun that month’s period. I’m now 3 years and 3 months on HRT, and still remember the upset and disgust I felt that day. These past 3 years have been incredible in terms of my body changing; body hair, my voice deepening, my expanding sexuality and discovery. HRT has been the main element that saved my life. Being transgender in today’s world is a blessing but also a curse; we are treated with respect in some cases, and treated like dirt in others. I find myself watching The Hormone Diaries because I believe there are good people in the world and Hannah Witton is a representation of that.
Dear my Mystery Pain,
One word, my friend. Burden. I don’t particularly want to call you this, as most of the time you stay out of my business and calmly stick to me, like a quiet child that clings onto your leg when you are trying to walk.
However, you came into my life, and will probably never leave, which I have come to accept, and yes, you do annoy the f*ck out of me half the month, but you’re here and I can do nothing about it.
You aggressively kicked your way into life when I was sitting in an English class, one that I was particularly enjoying, and after MULTIPLE trips to A&E, and after seeing many, many doctors, I was finally referred to glorious gynecology, when they brought up the word ENDOMETRIOSIS. Now, I’m no stranger to that word, as it intertwines most delicately within my family. After trying the mini-pill (bled for 13 days straight, very heavily) and the combined pill (basically depressed) I’m on the list for a laparoscopy. Woop woop!
Having a year with you as my sidekick has not been easy, if I’m honest. You’ve kept me from school, made me feel isolated and depressed, and made me consume more pain medication than when I had appendicitis. Of course, you brought your best friend along with you, heavy bleeding, which of course has also been debilitating in its own special way, and it’s hard when no-one around you is having the same experience as you are. When my friends are talking about their periods, they talk about how they can use the small tampons for light flow, and how they don’t have to change their pad for at least 2 hours……… and here I am, having to take days off of school because I can’t walk I’m in so much pain, all thanks to YOU.
So, what I’m trying to say is, I really don’t like you being in my life, but that’s just it. It’s life, and I can put a smile on my face and get on with the day, or be crushed when you’re destructive powers are heightened. And I’d rather take the smile any day of the week.
Also, one more thing. Please calm the f*ck down when I’m taking my GCSEs next year, because I’d really like to do well.
Many thanks and kind regards,
The person that you have most comfortably taken residence in.
Dear period
Thank you for allowing me to connect with other woman.
When you are behaving i quite enjoy having you to visit.
I have gossiped about you countless times but mostly in the hopes to make people less ashamed of you. I’m sorry people sometimes stigmatise you but i appreciate you.
Ill see you soon.
Dear blood stained sheets.
You caused me quite the panic when you came to play at my young age of 11, that is totally the wrong way to put it but you understand. I used to be so scared to tell my mum that I’d bled on the sheets. I would layer pyjamas so that I was uncomfortably hot but that never prevented you. Looking back it’s sad to think I felt uncomfortable discussing such a normal thing but no one told me it was normal back then.
Dear pregnant body,
I feel like a turd barf but also, the miracle of life.
I am currently 8 weeks pregnant. We got pregnant on the very first try thanks to basal body temperature charting, ovulation sticks and cervical mucus tracking (I know right?) I am too organised to leave these things to chance.
I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and 2 days with an early pregnancy test. This was 9 days post ovulation and 5 days before my missed period. Then the knowledge that about 30% of pregnancies end is miscarriage hit. Most occur so early women do not realise what is happening. I knew that by testing so early I was more vulnerable to loss. After a week or so I told a couple of close family members, I only intend to tell more people at 12 weeks. Everyone had opinions on when I should talk about it. Miscarriage is such a taboo that even close family is shocked when they hear you are sharing your pregnancy news with anyone. I think that is really unfortunate. I realised how many family members (at least 2 so far and I haven’t spoken to others) had miscarriages and suffered in silence. This dates back to the olden days when these topics where shameful. I wish women were not judged and left free to decide when they want to talk about their pregnancies as, for many, having a clued in support network can really help. But let me return to my pregnancy story.
The first physical symptom to hit me was severe fatigue but I work from home so it was manageable. I was in an exhausted haze, a bit too tired to cook for myself but able to get some work done. On week six the nausea arrived. Food is ruined. I went from a low carb healthy eater to only being able to stomach beige food with zero nutrients. Whoever called it morning sickness was surely never pregnant. It is more like all day all night sickness. It is like living on a boat when you are prone to motion sickness. I have yet to have a craving or a positive feeling about food. I eat to keep the sickness at bay but it is not enjoyable. Also… try feeling sexy when you keep falling asleep and feel permanently like you are about to barf.
We recently had an early scan. I needed to know that this was all for a good cause. The ultrasound lady asked us not to panic if it takes a while to find the baby, it was very small and so on. As soon as the ultrasound landed on my stomach there it was. I was amazed there was actually something in there. Until you see it it just is not real! The tiny seven week old nugget had an obvious and strong heartbeat. This has really raised our spirits and helped me cope.
On a side note, I am finishing a PhD. My baby will be born on my fourth (first unpaid) year and so I am not entitled to any maternity pay. This is partially because I couldn’t get pregnant earlier due to waiting for a surgery to remove my IUD. Further, I can’t apply for governmental support as PhDs don’t count as jobs so my stipend for the last three years doesn’t count as earnings. I am lucky enough to have a support system but I wonder how many women have been in this position due to the gig economy, rise of internships and temporary jobs.
On the whole I am happy with my pregnant body. This was the right time for us after many years of partnership and recent marriage. However, I am writing this because I feel a bit angry at the women in my life who have had children. They prepare you for kids and tell you kids are hard. But no one told me quite how hard pregnancy is. Maybe pregnant women don’t want to complain. Maybe they feel ungrateful to do so given how many people wish they could be pregnant but aren’t able to. Whatever the reason I don’t think pregnancy should be such a taboo. I wish I had known what to expect. I wish we could all complain together and comfort each other and know that it is all normal and worth it.
J
Dear The ‘Jaws attack’,
why, oh why, do you always occur when im at theme parks and trying to have fun with friends?….theres nothing worse then getting off the oblivion ride at Alton towers to find out it appears to have caused a murder scene in my underwear.
i know you mean well but….i’d rather you didnt do this every single time!
lots of love,
Jess xxx
Dear Gynecologist,
I regret to inform you that I won’t “grow out” of painful penetration. It turns out I have vaginismus and it’s psychological in nature. Sexologists are real and helpful, and I’m glad I went to one anyway. It may seem to you like a good advice but please don’t ask me to break up with my boyfriend just because I don’t produce enough lubrication.
I can see from the walls of your office that you’re proud of every healthy baby you delivered. I’m so sorry to waste your time with my sexual problems. Yes I don’t want a child at this moment of my life, it’s actually quite a traumatic topic for me, and no I don’t want to “just take hormones” without first understanding why my body does what it does.
And for the love of God, please don’t show your growing frustration when you’re trying to put something in my vagina if you can see that I’m clearly in pain. No, I’m not doing that do annoy you, and I’m not a drama queen. Your job would be so much easier if you would just help me relax in your chair.
Kind regards,
Young sexual woman
P.S. Please don’t roll your eyes when I ask you to confirm if you too can feel that lump in my breast. Half a year later my surgeon will be glad we caught it while it was still 5 cm in diameter.
Dear my PMS,
Please stop making my acne worse. My confidence is knocked enough without it. You seem to just inflame my jaw and its becoming unbearable. Also the CRAMPS!!! Why the crippling cramps? I cannot shout in an empty house anymore because its getting too painful – its making me feel “crazy”.
What can I do to make you less awful? Do you want me to go the pill? I will if thats what you realllyyyyyy want me to do to stop all of this.
Dear PMS,
Oh, PMS. Pre menstrual syndrome? More like Pretty Monstrous Shitbag.
Sometimes, I think you’re ruining my life.
My cycle is pretty short, around 23 days. You start 10 days before my period, which means you’re with me for 10+ days, then I get a period for a week, and then finally get 6 days of feeling human….before you turn up again. Not fun.
You make my boobs (already an awkward 28GG) go up TWO CUP SIZES. They throb and hurt ALL that time.
You make me retain water and gain up to a stone in a few days, which means I can’t wear some of my clothes until all the weight mysteriously falls off a week later…
You give me horrendous chin acne. No need to explain that further really, is there.
But maybe the worst thing, more than the physical changes, is how you affect me mentally. Ordinarily I’m quite a happy person. When you’re around I’m a MESS. Watching a cat video on Facebook will make me cry, I’ll start getting emotional over old crushes, I feel like the world hates me, I loathe my body, and all I want to eat is cake, cake, and chocolate.
Well that’s a bit of a downer, isn’t it. But it’s been very therapeutic writing this out – I should rant at you more often, PMS.
Stay away,
FL
Dear Insurance Companies,
You were the start of my four years of hell. That pill I was on wasn’t perfect. It cleared up my acne and made my boobs way bigger, but it did nothing for my heavy flow or semi-regular cramps. There was that one time I took three pills at once because no one told me that that’s not how you catch up after missing a few… talk about mood swings! But overall, it was consistent and reliable. But you, Insurance Company. You just had to step in and ruin everything. You raised my birth control from almost free to $60 a month. “We could switch her to the generic brand,” you told my mom. “It would only be $15 a month.”
That was a week before leaving for my freshman year of college. I didn’t even see my doctor. The name on the pack changed and I threw the pills in my bags as I headed off to a new chapter in my life.
No one ever told me that it can take almost three months for symptoms to appear. My first semester went by smoothly– no– better than smooth. I made friends that I loved, met my boyfriend, took film classes, and felt like I belonged somewhere. Birth control was out of sight, out of mind.
I loved my life, so why was I crying so much? My new, happy relationship made me ultra aware of past struggles with depression that had since been more or less a non-issue. I sobbed about the fact that one time I was so sad. I broke down about Chipotle commercials, and someone using a disposable camera that didn’t have that many shots left. One morning I asked my roommate what the cafeteria was serving for brunch. It was french toast, but I had wanted pancakes. My boyfriend was filled with confusion as he watched the waterworks come flooding. “I just REALLY wanted pancakes,” I said in between blowing my nose. I was also laughing. Because, uh, how could you not?
After months of dissociating, sobbing, and kicking over ladders, I was finally able to link this sudden spiral into depression with my birth control. The same time the mood swings started, so did the cramping. I’m talking crying-out-in-pain, almost-going-to-the-ER cramps. With some research about birth control side effects and looking into the time frame, everything fell into place.
After my freshman year was over, and consumed by the state of my body and mind, I told my parents, went to a gyno, and switched the brand of my pill.
Three months later, it started again. This time, it sneaked up on me in the form of intense anxiety. I was always an anxious kid. Not outwardly, but internally I was the type of elementary school student who thought more about the vastness of the universe and infinite aspect of death more than Spongebob Squarepants (though to be fair, I thought about Spongebob a lot). But growing up, I learned to cope with those thoughts and I was able to fully push them away. Until now. Every car that I got into was going to get in a crash and I would die. Every person on the train had a gun and would kill me. Every day I would wake up, convinced that today would be the day I died. It was terrifying, obviously! But also, not something well talked about as a popular side effect of birth control.
It was almost another year before my boyfriend pointed out that this new timeline was similar to the first. I was furious that I had spent years, now, of my life being controlled and brought down by contraception. These were supposed to be the most important years of my life for my career, but instead I spent almost all of my time consumed by these pills.
I told my doctor that I wanted to see what my body was like without the added hormones. I had been on the pill since 15 years old. I wanted to know who I actually was without the chemicals. “But you have a boyfriend,” my doctor interrupted. “You need to be protected from pregnancy. You need to be on something.”
I gave in and agreed to get the Mirena IUD. It was a painless procedure, and for that I’m very lucky. Although, I did bleed for the next six months straight, so you win some, you lose some. But after that, after three years of failed BC Pills that destroyed my mental health, I finally had one that worked.
Okay, there was one Emergency Room visit at 3 in the morning (Surprise! Ovarian Cysts!), but otherwise, I felt semi-balanced for the first time in years.
It started to become clear what parts of my mental health were rational and irrational. I haven’t cried at Chipotle commercials or pancakes since. I can take public transport without being scared of murder around every corner (and I live in Chicago, so that’s kind of impressive, really). The worst ongoing part of the IUD is the fact that my boobs got way smaller. But, hey, I’ll take it.
That Insurance Company upended my entire college career.
To this day, I am still pissed. I’m passionate about female health. I studied documentary filmmaking and one day I hope to make a film about what women go through. We deserve more research about our bodies and minds. About the connection between the two. How do we live in a world where doctors throw any ol’ pill your way without considering how those chemicals will effect an individual? As a 15-year-old, why wasn’t I warned about side effects? Asked about my mental health history?
I apologize for the length of this entry, I could speak forever about my experience and the struggles of my friends. I care deeply about this subject. You can ask anyone who knows me, they’ll tell you this is one of the few things I will talk about without making (too many) jokes. I find most things funny, but not the way a pill can ruin a life.
Okay, unless it’s how that pill made you cry about pancakes because, like, what the fuck.
Dear Menstrual Cup,
Remember when I found a video of you at 15 years old? I thought you were such a cool concept and that you would solve so many problems. Tampons worked okay for me in the beginning, although I couldn’t figure out why my vagina hurt so much during and after every period. Long story short, they didn’t work okay in the end. So I ordered you online and was way to excited to see the little package arrive. I admit, our first meeting was interesting, a little awkward and clumsy. But we tried a couple times and since then we have been inseparable. Besides working great and supporting me through some rough days every month, you (positively) changed me a lot. Because of you I am comfortable with my own body, especially the part you encounter every month. I know a lot more about how my body and my period function. And during my period I feel free. I would recommend you to everyone, yes, it is weird in the beginning and yes, you need some time to figure things out and adjust but after that, it has your back.
Thank you and see you next month!
Iris
Dear Cramps,
Actually, not so dear. You are very close to me but it sounds wrong to call you dear.
You are not something someone can see or hear, but you are something that I can feel and fear.
I wake up and wonder if you are going to prevent me from walking and talking today.
I remember it well, all those days that you came and stabbed me as if you were trying to take my life away.
I wanted to go and see my friends, but you had other plans for me instead.
Alone in my room huddled in fetal position, I stayed.
Long enough to stop the tears, but not long enough to stop the pain.
Some days, you aren’t so bad.
A flinch here and there, won’t stop me in my tracks.
However, the fear might hold me back.
The fear that I might be in pain in public for all.
Sitting quietly, trying to believe it’s all in my head.
Wishing I truly stayed in bed.
Cramps, screw you.
You can stay in bed.
You aren’t in my head, but in my gut.
You are the one who tries to keep me in a rut,
But no longer will you hold me back.
I will hold you in memories,
But not hold them dear.
Because dear Cramps,
This is my body, and I’m taking what’s mine.
Sincerely Yours
Dear Implant,
You have made my life much more challenging in A LOT of ways. My month long periods, cramps and endless days of spotting. But really, I want to thank you. Thank you for stopping me from getting pregnant and allowing me to have a fun (and not anxiety provoking) sex life. Thank you for sometimes taking my period away for 6 months at a time! Thank you for providing me and my SO with peace of mind. Thank you for sticking by my side for 6 years. Thank you for the cool unintentional semi colon scar on my arm. Thank you for doing your job and allowing me to forget about contraception. Thank you for never letting me down.
It’s been a rough relationship, and I often question whether we should stay together for another 3 years but you’re faithful and reliable and even through our tough times, I know you have my back. Here’s to the next 3.
Xoxo
Dear Bellatrix,
Yeah, I named you Bellatrix because you are a sadist but also I think that Bella is a great name for a beautiful vagina.
So, I wanna ask you Why the hell did you make me bleed for 50 days?! And what made you think that you could do it during July and August?! It wasn’t fun, you know. I will never forget my doctors face when I finally decided that enough was enough Doc: When was the fist say of your cycle?
Me: 50 days ago
D: Oh, and when was the last day of your period?
M: I’m still on my period
She just looked at me like I was crazy and then gave me some pills. The best part about the whole thing is that I still don’t know what caused it. I love/hate you, you bloody bitch. Love xxx Pola
Dear my period,
I wish I knew what the hell you are up to. You are too long to exist by the textbooks I’ve read and I never know if the bleeding will start on the 31st or the 37th day or somewhere in between. You also cause my stress levels to rise every time you stop functioning and skip a cycle because of my stress levels. I’m kind of spotting at the time of writing this and it’s probably ovulation bleeding, but I had never heard of it nor experienced anything like this before and have no idea what is going on. I am thankful that if this is ovulation bleeding that at least I’m not in great pain due to the release of the egg which happens almost every second time I ovulate. I don’t like the cramps and the pain during the period itself either. I realize that I am exactly the type of person that the doctors are supposed to offer the option of using hormones but I really don’t want to because I will possibly have to use hormones to have kids. (I have a genetic disease and I want healthy kids). I just wish it was easier and more simple.
Dear morning-after pill I used after the first time I had sex with a penis,
actually, thank you – you made my cycle longer.
I had my first period when I was almost 13 and my first (and hopefully the last) morning-after pill on the verge of 18.
At that time, my period was quite regular – but the cycle lasted 20 days on average, which is considered normal, but i ended up having periods every two weeks, which is undoubtably exhausting.
The pill messed it up a bit – but no extreme side effects, no irregularities…
My cycle is simply longer now. More days to enjoy life instead of PMSing or cramping.
Dear Coil, who actually didn’t do anything wrong.
I know we’ve been best buddies since we were 19, and we were on number two! Coming up to 9 years of happy coiling, and the PR gaming going strong to convince friends to come on board to non-hormonal contraceptive bliss!
And then you well and truly crashed that PR campaign.
January 2018, something wasn’t right, I was sleeping a lot and if I thought about it, yeah, I was feeling pretty sick. One of the main reasons I like you coil is because after my cycle got back into it’s normal rhythm after 10 months of amenorrhea thanks to A-level stress aged 18, you didn’t mess around with that. I could date it every single month. But the day came, my period didn’t, and even more worryingly. I didn’t feel like it was.
Fast forward to the day after and an Amazon prime now order, I took my first ever test. Just in case, you know. So just to rule it out, pee’d on a stick and left it there. Ah, one line fantastic. Knew it, was just probably stressing over Christmas planning…hold on.. is that another line? Nah, it can’t be…it’s just soaked through that’s all…oh that’s becoming darker…that is two lines.
So day after, I dragged your arse to the clinic (at a very large, influential hospital) to find out what had gone on and to book a termination. It is safe to say, I was the shock of the clinic and you were the contraception celebrity. Doctors who had been there 20 years and never seen pregnancy with coil in situ before, people being brought in to observe a ‘phenomenon’ and sighs of relief that they weren’t the one to insert you. A week after, another clinic for my first termination appointment, scan done. However you were now in the way and I had to book another appointment to get you out as they refused to do the termination with you in.
Here goes another week. Hormones going crazy, boobs swollen and sore and couldn’t drink my favourite cappuccinos because it made me feel sick. I was only 6 weeks come on. I shouldn’t be that sensitive to hormones! The day came to take you out, and the doctor said ‘there is nothing wrong, it is perfectly placed’, I burst into tears, if you had slipped or moved I could justify it, but nothing was wrong. It was a freak occurrence that is so, so rare.
The Saturday before, while you were still in, I did bleed a bit. I knew what it was, but like the test, I hoped that my mind was working in overdrive. However once you were removed, I couldn’t stop bleeding. The day after, I went to take the first tablet, but I had already started to miscarriage. I was sent off home with my medical notes changed. I felt as though I lost control by becoming pregnant, I gained some control back by being able to organise a date when I could end the pregnancy and turmoil, not any more. Walking through the city centre, something came out. No-one warned me of this, something the size of my palm along with more blood. I shuffled as quick as I could, covered in blood, to public toilets to find a solid bloody mass. I naïvely assumed because I was 6 weeks, anything that came out, embryo included, would be more like bloody clots. Turns out this was the egg sac. I made the hour journey home on the train and wept. It was over, but it has taken until now to ‘get over it’ to a degree. No one warned me about the changes in hormones after a miscarriage, hot flushes and all. Periods taking 3-4 cycles to return to ‘normal’. I couldn’t explain how I felt, someone who was going to have a termination, but had a miscarriage, there is no advise for that on the internet. People told me, including nurses in the hospital, ‘it was probably for the best’ but was it? I wanted to control the situation, but I couldn’t. I don’t like the opinion that because I miscarried by myself it was somehow ‘the better way’, termination stigma runs deep and quietly through many phrases and thoughts; something I had never thought about until now.
Thing is coil, I still trust you despite all this. Sometimes, things don’t go as planned. I felt lost and empty without you. I got you back in as soon as I could and we are back to happy coiling now. I feel like I can’t do the PR trail as before, but for me at least, despite your flaws, I am glad I can still have you. I forgive you. x
Dear Natural Cycles…
artificial hormones were never my friend, and I have tried 3 different pills, all of which have messed with either my mental health or my character. I found out about you through a YouTuber who works with you and got very excited when my thermometer arrived (along with loads of free condoms! yay!). I told the app everything it needed to know and said goodbye to the pill for good. I was 18 at the time and in a committed relationship. I took my measuring and general cycle awareness very seriously. My cycle was after a while very regular and easy to follow. We used condoms even on most green days just to be sure and were extra cautious on red ones, really didn’t leave anything to chance. The longer my cycle stayed stable, the more we could relax and enjoy sex. After about 7 months I happened to be at a check-up with my gynaecologist who mentioned he could see I had just ovulated. I remember thinking back in my head- 3 days before that we had skipped the condom because my ovulation wasn’t due for another 15 days. To this day I don’t know why my body decided to just cut the month short, I was neither stressed nor had anything in my lifestyle or daily routine changed. I measured my temperatures at the same times every day and the app didn’t even let me log that I had my ovulation earlier because it passed my rising temperature (the evidence) up as irregularities. The following month we just prayed and hoped that by some miracle I wouldn’t get pregnant- but I did. We both knew we weren’t going to be parents at this point in our lives- if ever. The decision we made was accepted easily by the doctors caring for me and I feel very grateful to have had this freedom, although the legal process of it all is still much more of a hassle here in Germany than it should be… The day I found out was about 4 months ago now. My new gynaecologist found a pill for me that is so very suited to my mental (and otherwise) needs. Today I cannot be anything but grateful for what happened for letting me grow in a way I otherwise couldn’t have. So thank you, natural cycles, for trying hard to make me believe my body is a machine I can measure and count on (I have found it isn’t)! You eventually led me to a form of contraception I can feel relaxed and comfortable with.
No hard feelings though.
Yours, Sarah
Dear PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder),
I don’t understand why it is you are so angry that you feel the need to trash my living room because my bag got caught on the front door. I don’t understand why you are so angry with everyone and everything for no reason at all. I don’t understand why you want me, at times, to consider hurting myself or ending my own life. I just don’t get it. The day my period arrives is a HAPPY DAY in spite of the pain, because I won’t see you for at least a good fortnight, and when you’re gone I make the most of my life before you come back and point out every single bad thought I’ve ever had and even place some new irrational ones in there.
Hope you die
Lots of love, Hannah x
Dear Uterus,
Sigh, where do I begin? How about the time I went to the hospital because me and my parents thought I had appendicitis when really it was just period pains. Crazy, huh?
I was 16 and just coming to terms with my crazy painful periods and how paracetamol, ibuprofen and a hot water bottle were and still are the only way for me to get through the most ridiculous 4 days a month. I had come home from school and my pain kept getting worse throughout the day, bear in mind I have never been on any form of birth control, so I rang NHS 111 because they are my usual first port of call when it’s not too bad. They told me to get to the hospital in the nearest city to me, which was a 30 minute drive and it closed in an hour so we needed to get on our way quick.
So, my dad and I made our way to the hospital minor illness unit, filled in the classic form and got given a pot to pee in. Oh god, peeing in a pot is difficult when you can’t aim very well but I went to the toilet after downing what seemed like 1 million litres of water, I filled the pot with ‘that’ and then sat and waited. And waited. Until finally my name was called.
So, dad and I walk into to the nurse’s room, trying to avoid the glaring stares from other people who were still waiting. She greets us and the two of us sit down. Naturally, she’s read what I’ve said and thank god my urine sample has been given the all clear because otherwise it could have been a tad awkward with my dad next to me, and then she asked me to lay on the table so she could feel around and check that everything was okay.
As I’m laid on the uncomfortable table, with this nurse pressing my abdomen in incredibly weird ways, I try to think of better things (very difficult in the situation) but I think about anything to try and distract me. Finally, the nurse comes to her conclusion, “it’s not anything too serious, even though it’s painful, Just keep up with ibuprofen and paracetamol because it’s just your period.”
So, uterus, you have caused a lot of grief, but, in the end, you’re just being you.
Dear Skyla,
You were a literal pain to have implanted. I almost didn’t get you because it hurt so much. I bled for nearly three months after I got you in. To be fair, it was great to have the piece of mind that you brought me about my reproductive health. Two years and one marriage later, I have decided to have you removed. That means that at 27 years old, I have made the decision to start to try to have a child. This is by far the biggest decision I have ever made. I could go on for days about my emotions surrounding this choice. I am excited and scared and 100 other things all at once. So, I hope you are ready uterus. I hope we are ready for this next journey and I hope we are lucky enough to have this work.
Shannon
Dear period,
Remember that time you fell during my first ever festival? Whilst I didn’t much appreciate it at the time, I can see now it was your way of preparing me for the inconveniences to come.
This year you’ve given me that perpetually sad, tearful, pre-period mood just before all the most important events of the year. We’ve been through exams, results day, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and moving back to uni together.
Look, I get that you want to be with me in these important parts of my life – just, leave Christmas alone, OK?
Blood and bloody-mindedness,
M
Dear my Turners Syndrome,
You’re all I’ve known for 20 years, I was born female, but I’m missing an X chromosome, as a result, Ive been on oestrogen hormones for 8 years now and it’s been a struggle, I have battled with mood swings and have been steadily gaining more and more weight (I do have a nice set of boobs though! Hehehe) but the biggest struggle is infertility, I’ve known about it since I was 5 years old but it doesn’t make it any less of a burden, because of my condition I cannot conceive a child naturally (or through IVF or surrogacy, as my ovaries are underdeveloped) even if I’ve been given the glorius gift of never having a menstrual period 😉
Dear Nexplanon,
Thank you for taking care of my contraception without me ever thinking about it,
Thank you for being a great way to weird people out (“squish my arm there’s magic hormone-plastic in there!”),
I forgive you for how much my arm ached when I got you inserted,
And I forgive you for making my cycle totally unpredictable.
You’re not perfect, but you’re perfect for me!
Love, Holly
Dear Brain,
I’m sorry for not acknowledging sooner that you hate hormonal contraception. You would think that (A) going on a kind of birth control pill that contributed to the onset of my clinical depression, and (B) a few years later going on a different kind of pill while also taking antidepressants and consequently feeling crazy for two months, would be enough to dissuade me from trying other hormonal contraceptives much, MUCH earlier than this! It wasn’t very nice of me to put you through that. Let’s try out a non-hormonal IUD instead this time.
Sorry, I really do love you,
Bridget
Dear Period,
You are my most reliable frienemy.
Your identity was kept secret from me until age 11, but as soon as I learned about you, I had to know everything. I read every book in my library and scoured every blog. I eagerly anticipated your arrival: carrying around pads and extra underwear everywhere, asking my family when they got theirs, and wondering everyday, “Why are my boobs here but my period isn’t?”
Like a smack in the face of all my eager optimism, your arrival was frustratingly inconvenient. Months of cramps with no tell-tale red smear then *BAM*, just when my friend’s Halloween party is going so well and I’m talking to the cute boy I have a crush on, you just have to drag me into the bathroom. Sometimes I still wonder if he would have ended up with me rather than her if not for that fateful brown stain, but time has revealed that he wasn’t that cute or cool anyway.
While the cramps are still a bitch, at least you’re punctual. Well… except for that one time when I was 18 and fooling around with a guy for the first time and you decided to be three weeks late. We weren’t even doing anything that could get me pregnant, but of course, I panicked the whole month anyway. I’m also not particularly fond of how reliably heavy you are the first night. I have tried EVERYTHING to avoid stained sheets every month. I even resorted to a menstrual cup one month, which didn’t leak, but I’d prefer a stain over the trip to the emergency room to get it out when it got stuck.
You’re always astoundingly irritating, but I’m grateful for your regular comings and goings: always the same amount, the same days, the same symptoms for seven years. I’ve hated you more than I’ve loved you, but as I ease my way into adulthood, I’m a little sad at the prospect of seeing you go. I may be single now, but you never know when life might throw a partner at me, and the newest forms of long-acting birth control are looking awfully appealing.
I don’t know how much longer you’ll be with me, but at least I know where you’ll be when the start of each month rolls around.
-Sammie
Dear contraception, I know we haven’t properly met, and are unlikely to ever meet, but I would still like to talk. I am a gay woman, but virtually all of my friends are sexually-active straight women, so I’ve heard a lot about you already. Of course I don’t mind my friends talking about you, not at all. It’s just that I feel weirdly juvenile whenever you’re brought up. I feel like there’s this whole other part of growing up and “becoming a woman” that I haven’t experienced, despite me being in my twenties. You made me feel like a child, and you made me feel isolated from my friends before I was out. I know it’s not your fault, but I can’t help feeling insecure like that.
Also, I *can’t wait* for the inevitable conversation where I have to out myself to a doctor when they ask me why I’m not using any contraception if I’m sexually active.
Dear period,
I’m sorry, but you’re a raging bitch. Just once (although preferably every time) id like to not be totally bedridden while on my period. I’m so jealous of other people that can carry on with their lives during their period with a few cramps or a little back pain. But with YOU i get cramps, headaches, back aches, hip pain, anxiety, uncontrollable emotions, nausea/vomiting, a feeling like my ovaries & uterus are full of hot lava that spreads all the way down to my thighs, hormonal breakouts, among many other things. You even make my dysphagia worse (i guess because of inflammation? Idk). The only thing i can do is lay in bed with midol & a heating pad while i cry & binge watch Boy Meets World on Hulu. I even tried birth control to calm you down, but all that did was make me vomit nonstop for 48 hours. At least i have the clue app to warn me of your coming assault. In conclusion, you suck. But at least I’m not pregnant.
Dear microgynon, you were an absolute lifesaver, I had just about had enough of years of painful cramps and a heavy flow, leaving me bed bound for at least one day a month. Thank you for regulating my periods and giving me a lighter flow.
This all changed when my doctor prescribed cerazzete to me. I wasn’t extremely excited by the thought of not knowing whether my periods will stop altogether, become lighter or become heavier. Having no side effects from microgynon I thought what could possibly go wrong… 1 month of pure misery. So what happened was after 3 weeks of taking cerazzete, my hair was falling out, strands and strands of hair, at first I had no idea why but then realised this is no coincidence, not only this I had an extremely ITCHY vagina that lasted weeks. Again, I had no idea why, after a google search, realised I had a yeast infection. Great. Not only was my vagina itchy, it was extremely dry, making sex so painful and uncomfortable. Mentally this left me confused as to why I couldn’t get turned on with my boyfriend, making me think something had changed between us.
All of this together left me crying most nights (which is unusual for me) and just left me feeling a lack of confidence, depressed and really crappy about myself. When I came to the realisation this new pill was causing me all these problems I booked a doctors appointment, who then refused to change my pill back as I previously mentioned I had had a migraine/headache. After 2 doctors appointments, a trip to the sexual health clinic, a blood test and a pregnancy test I am now back to my life saviour pill, microgynon.
Talk to you soon
Chloe
Dear my period,
Please, please don’t indicate that I’m a woman yet, because I’m not!! Also. Get regular. Seriously. I am so sick of waiting seventy days, then twenty days for you. At first I wanted you, but please go away now. Bye.
My dear uterus…
I wanted to thank you…. we have had our ups and downs, and at this point in my life I’m kinda ready to say goodbye to your monthly reminder that everything is in order, but I just wanted to go through our life together, so that you know that I’m really ready for the flow to stop….
We met the first time when I was only 12, I still remember the day where I had to use my moms huuuuge pads in order to go to school, but I was actually really exited to see you because I felt it was time you followed your friends up top, my boobs, since they made their entrance when I was 9….
The following years everything was just fine, you came regularly and I really had no problems with you.. I even started using tampons to keep you in check…
At 15 I started introducing you to some boys, and I started using the pill, because I didn’t want you to get ‘big’ yet….
I had always been a chubby child, and when I got on the pill I didn’t help, so at 19 I went off the pill in order to give my body som hormone relief….
But then I met this guy….. and lo and behold, you started growing a tiny human….
Because of this you made me grow… A LOT…. and you made me crave chocolate and detest coffee…
After 9 months that tiny human made his way out, but left a little distruction in his way, and I had to get stitches… those stitches have given me problems, because I haven’t been able to use tampons since then…. the string just ‘rubs’ me the wrong way and hurts ;(
So because you couldn’t keep it together I have had to use pads for years….
I presented you to a coil, but you just rejected that within 2 months you had pushed it out, so I had to start pill again after the tiny human birth, and they stayed with us for 7 years…. but at year 4 I got sick… your neighbor started spewing blood, and getting really sick, and after 3 years of that that neighborhood suddenly got a bit bigger… you neighbor moved out and for at time you had an upstairs neighbor… but then the doctors had to move you and your bits around to make space for your upstairs neighbor to move in beside you….
But because of all this moving around the pill started getting really unsure, and I had to stop with that… then I used a p-ring for a while, because my husband and I just really didn’t want more tiny humans, but that ring was just really annoying, so after a while my husband made the choice to stop the flow of tadpoles permanently, so you got to do your thing, free of any interference from any hormones!
And for years you were reliable, regular and I could almost set the clock to your flow arrival… but then some other part of my body got sick and I think that really messed with you and your flow… you got irregular and instead of 28 days, you went between 34 and 45 days, and I really thought we were getting close to saying goodbye… I presented you to a new friend, the cup, to make the process easier, and I felt we really got along swimmingly..
But then a few months ago you decided to go back to the 28 day cycle, so now I’m really not sure..
But I’m ready, you are welcome to stop work and go in to retirement, because the unsteadyness of the last few years is really kinda frustrating…
So I hope you see, we have been through a lot in the 32 years we have been interacting, and I really don’t need to make tiny humans anymore…
So thank you, for the ups and downs, and for that tiny beautiful human you helped me make, he has really been a blessing in my life, and the best thing to ever come from you…
Dear Anorexia,
It wasn’t until my Mum asked me, asked 13, ‘But you’re still having your periods aren’t you?’ that I realised my fertility was yet another thing you were threatening to steal from me. At the same time, I feared my period returning because that meant I was once again growing in health (just like any teenager should be), rather than wasting away (as I twistedly desired). Looking back aged 24, my period is a positive symbol of my recovery and a monthly reminder of how HARD I fought for my health. All the more, it’s only as an adult that I can truly value how precious the (possible) chance to have children is, and just how much I was set to lose.
Let’s hope we never speak again, Katherine
Dear Uterus,
I’m sorry you’re stuck with me.
I never wanted you, never asked for you, but here you are. Stuck in my body. Useless.
Many women also feel bad for you too, if that makes you feel any better. They tell me I’ll change my mind, that they’re so glad they rented out their uteruses, that it was life-changing.
But I don’t want my life to change. I don’t want to grow bones, muscles, skin, and hair that I don’t get to keep. I don’t want to look after your creation for the rest of my life. For 20 years I’ve never felt any differently, it’s safe to say at this point that I never will.
I wish I could give you a better home. I wish I could give you to a woman born without a uterus, or to a woman whose uterus doesn’t work. I wish you were born in a time where surgery could give you a meaningful existence, but we don’t live in that world yet.
I’m sorry you’re stuck with me. I’m sorry your eggs go to waste. I’m sorry you make beautiful homes for babies that will never grow.
Dear Clue App,
You fucking bitch. I’m no longer mad that your predictions were off, but let me tell you, if you were a really person, I’d probably beat the shit out of you. Three months of nonstop morning sickness, food aversions, swollen feet, and pretty much swollen everything else isn’t something I was mentally prepared for, but in the end I got a beautiful baby girl that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Overall, I give you one star on Google Play.
Dear my menstrual cup,
Why after the first month were you a life changer but every month after that you work for an hour or so then shift position and give me cramp?!
From a slightly let down lady.
Dear reproductive system, dear fallopian tubes!
After years and years of trying different forms of contraception (mainly the pill and a copper IUD), I finally put you in shackles. Quite literally, actually. Not even a week ago I had a tubal ligation, where they put a tiny camera and instruments into my body through my belly button and put little titanium and silicone clips on you. You are still a little bit pissed and let me feel that from time to time. And mates, I totally get it. But it’s the only solution. You are literally programmed to do one thing. A thing I do not want to experience in this life – and never did. But come on, even though you are tied up, you can still do your thing. There’s still gonna be periods, there’s still gonna be a cycle. Only now I don’t have to worry if my usually very on time period is a day late. (Even if I didn’t have sex with somebody with a penis, but you know, brain’s still suffering from some anxiety, so of course she worries.)
So I think it’s best if you accept your fate. Just think of all the worry free sex we’re gonna have! Think about all the fun, about a lifetime of being relaxed (in that regard at least) and not having to worry about broken condoms or other stuff. Sure we could still contract an STI if the condom breaks (and that would suck). But honestly, most of them are much easier cured than *whispers* being pregnant.
I suggest you accept your new accessories and we’ll talk again in a few weeks.
Cheers, JD
PS an Information for Hannah and other readers: JD is 29 and non-binary, but their gender doesn’t have anything to do with not wanting kids. Plenty of enbies do want them. 🙂
Dear smear nurse,
I want you to know that I am absolutely terrified of having my smear test. I’m due my first smear test in 4 months and I’ve been having sleepless nights worrying about it for months. I was sexually abused as a teenager and the thought of lying on a bed so that you can prod around down there with a speculum fills me with terror. My friends have told me it is fine but I think about it constantly and am so anxious already.
DEAR MY PERIOD
I miss you.
When the doctor gave me the contraceptive pill (Cerelle) a year and a half ago, and casually mentioned that it may stop my period, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. The gods light shone down upon me and a choir of angels started singing. I rushed home and chucked that first pill right into my mouth. Every day I waited for you to come back, PRAYING you wouldn’t.
And…you didn’t.
At first, it was bliss. Sex, swimming, exercise, all of that was LIMITLESS. No pain, no spots, no leaks halfway through my GCSE Biology exam (four years later and the memory of how you betrayed me that fateful day still stings).
But, a year and a half on, I can say hand on heart, that I genuinely ache for the camaraderie with other women that you gave me. I don’t carry tampons anymore, so I can’t help out the blushing girl in the restaurant bathroom who asks if I have a spare. I don’t share that look of knowing with the female cashier when I stumble to the Tesco extra in pyjamas and thrust a box of super plus tampons and two tubes of pringles at her. I don’t feel the miserable joy that only comes from you syncing up with your best friend’s period too, and having an excuse to spend all day on the sofa, hot water bottles pressed to tummies, with a Harry Potter box set ready to marathon (and enough chocolate to keep away all the dementors in Azkaban).
I am still a woman without you, but I don’t feel part of your sisterhood anymore. You gave me an entry into the secret society that I never knew I wanted to be in, until I wasn’t in it anymore. So yeah. Any time you wanna stop by my vagina and ruin my favourite undies, don’t pay attention to my moaning. Put your fingers in your ears while I complain about you to my friends. Ignore my hostile glares. Because I’ll really miss you when you’re gone again.
(Sorry it took me a year and a half to write this to you, I was too busy having sex at whatever time of the month I felt like).
From Estella
Dear mirena,
Thank you, for giving me peace of mind. At 21 years old I have finally stopped worrying every month until I got my period. While we are on the topic of periods, thank you for the reduced bleeding. After years of ridiculously heavy periods, of ruined underwear, stained pants and underwear, having to sleep on a towel because no menstrual pad and tampon combination in the world stopped a leak, I can finally rest easy with just a panty liner. I finally have manageable blood flow, and it is life changing.
Mackenzie
Dear period,
i love you and i hate you. I’m lucky to have you and I appreciate you, BUT DEAR GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE MY STOMACH FEEL LIKE A MILLION LITTLE DUDES ARE STABBING ME FROM THE INSIDE?! Also, you make my face look like I have tiny red berries growing on it and it really lowers my self-esteem.
Love, Erin
Dear my period,
You went away for a while, and I was diagnosed with PCOS. I did my own research and it turns out I had something called “hypothalamic amenorrhea” – this is a condition where the area in the brain that controls your hormones panics and shuts down your cycles after too much stress from overexercising, undereating and general life woes.
It took being diagnosed with osteoporosis as a result of low estrogen to snap me out of a dangerous headspace, and months of eating more and stressing less to make my body feel safe enough to cycle, but my period came back to me and I have never been happier to bleed.
Hannah (Witton… not me. Double Han action), it would be amazing if you could read up and talk a bit about hypothalamic amenorrhea on your channel – it’s consistently misdiagnosed as PCOS (especially in the UK where my GP had no idea why this relatively healthy gal was suddenly breaking bones left and right and also had no periods) and the treatments are polar opposite so it’s so important people know what they’re up against and the risks of not having a period! drop me an email if you want to know more.
Thanks for listening!
Love Hannah (not Witton)
Dear previous GPs,
Why did you disregard my concerns about my periods lasting for 2 weeks at a time as being “just one of those things”? You tell me that periods last for an average of 3 to 5 days but disregard that fact that mine last for 2 weeks, leaving me with fatigue, extra costs of sanitary products, frequent toilet breaks at work and a rollcoaster or emotions/ mental health due to the fluctuations in my hormones? Why were you reluctant to send me to a specialist to look into this concern further? Why did you leave me with a lack of courage to ask my new GP to look into this as I feel that there is no point as I would get the same answer that you gave time and time again? I hope you are contempt with yourselves! Ta very much!
Zoë x
Dear pill, thank you for almost killing me!
You made your job for almost 6 years: reduced flux, fewer cramps, less acne, no pregnancy! Great!
BUT you were a disguised silent killer, and I was so lucky that even in a foreign country (Portuguese visiting Italy) they were quick to look for clots in my lungs (even if pulmonary thrombo-embolism happens only to ‘old people’ and I was 25). Ah and let’s not forget that PTS was a good bonus that you made me go through and overcame!
In the end, I survived to tell the story and I am stronger now than I was before, and you, PILL, were the only one found guilty in the whole investigation that lasted for more than a year!
I just wish more people knew how much of a friend in disguise you are.
See you never again! Catarina
Ps: Thank you Hannah for amazing initiative! Keep the good work!
Dear Endometriosis.
I didn’t know you existed until you stuck my insides together! I didn’t know I had you because you take on average 7 years to diagnose even though you creep up on 1 in 10 unfortunate ladies. You stuck me together real good. To the point where my bowel blocked completely. You baffled the doctors; they thought you were Crohn’s. The steroids calmed you but in the end emergency surgery….3 times and a stoma were the only things to stop you. Temporarily. You introduced me to Intensive Care and 12 weeks in hospital. You took 2/3 of my intestine away. You taught my husband to feed me through a tube for 6 months. You also introduced me to IVF which you really protested against. Four times. You infected my pelvis when your cysts ruptured. You’re quiet right now because my hormones have been shut down by a friendly injection. But that may weaken my bones. You won’t allow me to have periods safely. Somehow we will out you Endo! Your symptoms are not something to be tolerated. Not something to put up with and not something to be confused with something else. Not something to stop me smiling and fighting.
Dear Rigevidon,
I started you when I was 17 and first having sex, it was all hunky dory- I could choose if I wanted to miss a period or start a day earlier or later, it really was fantastic. My periods were normal and I didn’t experience any side effects/horror stories that I’d heard about on Twitter from other girls who were on you.
This was up until about two months ago and I experienced temporary blindness and found out that this was a potential mini-stroke which GPs said could have been a result of the pill I was on. Bye rigevidon.
Dear Cerelle,
I started you about two months ago. You have made my skin horrendous, period pains are the worst I’ve ever experiencedd and I’ve had spotting for 11 days instead of a proper period, hopefully this improves with time.
At this point, I’d go back to rigevidon despite knowing the risks.
Dear birth control pills,
I’m so glad that I chose to take you instead of suffering every month. I no longer get cramps so bad that I can’t walk. My period is a lot shorter and the flow is less. You did disappoint me by causing my boobs to grow though.
Dear Contraceptions,
There have been a lot of you, with many trials and errors. To the three pill types I took, thank you for triggering my mental illness and making coming off of you insane. To the patch, you tried, you really did. But in the end you weren’t designed for someone of my body type, and you my friend put me into migraine hell. To the depo shot, just no… I got you as I was going to be away for a season and we’re supposed to be easy… you were not, thanks to you I had a three month long period… you are the birth control I hated the most. Finally my friend the Nuva ring… you made me sick, and gave me a raging yeast infection, and you didn’t even help with my periods like you were supposed to. I wish that any of you had helped more than you hurt, but alas that is not my luck…
Dear Uterus,
Why do you hate me? I try taking care of you, I try shutting you up, but yet through all of this you show up every month and I have to give up on my life till you’re gone… Cramps that keep me in bed, using up super tampons like mad, considering adult diapers as an alternative so I can stay in my bed attached to my heating pad… uterus, my doctor can’t figure you out and neither can I, but please for the love of all that is good in the world, could you start to be nicer?? And when the time comes, can you please let me get pregnant without issues, I feel like that’s not too much to ask. So please just give me a break…
Dear condom, why are you only 98% effective? It seems as though you decided to dedicate that 2% all to myself. The first time we panicked (*we, because this is a two-sided affair) but the emergency pill worked fine. The second, the pill gave me horrible acne with which I’m still dealing. Honestly, if only it were men who got pregnant… I thought you’d had enough fun then, but nope, you had one more sick trick up your sleeve and you broke again the night before I was due to fly out to Poland, one of the least progressive European countries in terms of contraceptives and abortions. I just had to risk it. Fortunately, Aunt Flo came to visit but the doubt was in the back of my mind for the longest time. I don’t know if we just weren’t experienced enough and we were using you incorrectly but d*mn you condom, you could’ve saved me so much hassle! Only 2%! Still my preferred choice of contraception as of now. I would give others a shot, but you’re the only one who has my back against STDs… Plus, it would be great if the physical and hormonal strain was not always put on the woman as is the case of the pill or the coil… Hopefully you’ve had your share of fun with me and will actually keep me safe in the future! I’m giving you a chance to redeem yourself! All the best, Zoe
Dear Contraception,
Oh my god, what a wild ride it’s been. I was 20 when I first decided that I needed you, so I approached my GP to find out how we might work. I have severe hemiplegic migraines, and so many ordinary brands of the pill wouldn’t have suited me – this was our first obstacle. I relatively easily settled on Cerazette, an oestrogen only pill that would not effect my migraines. We had a good run for about 4 months, as my periods became easier, and I had few side effects, until one day I realised that I had fallen into a deep depression and hadn’t been myself for months. The diagnosis didn’t shock me at all, it was a horrific time in my life. I’m not saying it was all your fault, the chemical imbalance in my brain was brought on by a number of things, but you undoubtedly played a big part in the single hardest year of my life.
Other methods were suggested, such as the bar, the injection, and other pills, but it seemed as though I was the only person on the planet with the 2 conditions that stop me taking hormonal contraception of any kind.
Enter the Copper Coil.
You seemed like the answer to all my prayers, a non-hormonal contraceptive device that would last 5 YEARS?? All of my dreams had come true! So off I went to my doctor, to have the simple procedure done and be protected for ages, right? Wrong.
Suffice to say that after an hour of trying, the doctor could not physically insert the coil into my vagina, and I left the clinic in an intense panic attack and bleeding profusely. I was so traumatised that I didn’t even think about you for another 6 months, relying on condoms most of the time.
Finally, I was offered the diaphragm, an ancient solution for migraine-prone, depressed people like me. I phoned clinic after clinic looking for somewhere, anywhere that would fit me with you, desperate for a non-invasive solution. I was told that I was about 30 years too late, and most clinics had stopped fitting diaphragms in the 80s. I had pretty much given up, until finally, I found the 1 place in Ireland still offering you, 3 and a half hours from home.
I made the journey, and learned all about the strangest and gooiest contraceptive solution the world has ever offered, And thankfully, I can finally report that I am in a happy, long-term relationship with you. You are weird and messy, but I am so glad we finally found each other after more than 2 years.
I promise I’ll never leave you (although it’s not like I have a choice…)!
All my love,
Jenny.
Dear my implant,
Honestly babe I love you so much. We’ve been together for three years, and just recently I had you changed so you can keep on being amazing. You are so low maintenance I can only sing your praises. I only have one complaint: WHY DO YOU MAKE ME BLEED SO MUCH?! I didn’t think I had this much blood in me. Because of this we’ve had to bring someone else in to help fix our relationship: The Pill.
We both knew it was notorious for not being completely amazing, it’s not the best for everyone buuuuut it would fix our problem. So in return for no bleeding (rejoice!) I get to experience the joy of even more hormones!!! My boobs are bigger (yay?), but they hurt All. The. Time. aaaand you’re a little chubbier (*thiccer). Hey, at least I’m not ruining my boyfriend’s white bed sheets anymore, right?
Relationships are hard, but I’ll never let you go.
Love you forever bb,
Kiran xoxoxox
Dear sadistic senseless abdominal cramps:
You’ve been torturing me since I got my first period at age 10. I cried and wished for it to be apendicitis but turned out my insides were bleeding out. So my mom said “welcome to hell”. And it has been hell. You’ve accompanied me in every single period I had for four years, and I’d better not have a delay because then you came to me with an axe and tried to rip my uterus and ovaries with it.
When I was 14, my doctor decided that this was a toxic relationship and that I should break up with you. And that’s when the contraceptive pills came in. Oh, the love of my life. Four happy years with no pains, you were gone and I was happy. But after this time my boobs started to ache so I went to the doctor, had a blood test and apparently my prolactin was high as a kite. “Take a three month break until the blood tests normalize and then you can go back on the pill”. Those three months I feared you, but you didn’t appeared in my life. Instead, my Bartholin gland decided to just explode (I passed out but hey, didn’t have to through surgery) and had me in bed for a really long time. I even missed you. But antibiotics and rest took the pain away and I could even walk like a normal person and not a duck (imagine having sandpaper in your panties, that’s how walking felt like).
Got back to the pill and had breaks every summer, until one year, my doctor asked me to keep without taking pills if you weren’t back. And so I did. Silly me. You came back four months after, bloodthirsty ’cause you didn’t take well our break up. I cried, I wanted to rip my organs off. My doctor pitied me and put on the pill AGAIN. But this time, you didn’t go away. You stayed with me. I had tests done and apparently there is no physical reason for you to be there, you are just bored and enjoy making me suffer. Just some muscles trying to kill me because IT IS FUN.
So my doctor decided that if I was going to suffer EVERY SINGLE PERIOD, I could reduce my periods and have four periods a year instead of twelve. The trimestral pill. This drug and I are getting married in spring. I take them for three months, three month free of you and your sadistic hobbies, and then we met for a short period of time. You visit me one day after three months, make me bleed, cry, ask for my ovaries to be removed… But the next day you are gone. And I have another happy three months.
Dear sadistic senseless abdominal cramps: please, don’t come back.
Dear my sporadic UTI
Ever since I lost my virginity I have had UTI’s on and off for about 7 years. I remember my very first one and it was horrendous, my (then) boyfriend fed me natchos on the toilet while I cryed. That was the longest I ever had it too. Since that first one I will get a UTI for about 2 hours whenever my body feels like it and then it suddenly goes away and it might go away for a month of two and then it will come back for about 2 hours and go away again. It is bizzare and I havnt found a cure (except those cranberry pouches of powder you put in a drink) and the doctors think I’m faking.
Just before I lost my virginity for the first time I got the implant and have been using that for the last 7 years and it’s been pretty great, I get periods about every 6 months (they do last for a month 🙁 ) but everyday I do get discharged. I have learned to live with it. At my next change I might see how my hormones are off the implant as I have been on for so long. Who knows what the next step will be.
Emily❤️
Dear period,
Why have you always been so difficult? At the age of 13 did you forced me to go onto the pill because you made me so unwell. Why do you make me nauseous and why do period farts need to be a thing? You used to make my boobs hurt so much that I couldn’t take a deep breath because my shirt hurt my skin. Why do you make my skin so sensitive that I feel bruised all over? Reusable menstrual products were a godsend considering my allergies to their disposable counterparts. But every month I dread your arrival. I hope that one day we may meet each other amicably.
Shannon
Dear contraception,
Microgynon, Injection, the copper coil, Gederal, Logynon, Milinette, Cerelle, Noriday and many others in between. I’m still trying to find a contraceptive that works for my body but so far you all make me paranoid or depressed or leave me in crippling pain or cause me to bleed constantly or give me UTIs constantly. One day I will find one of you that fits me perfectly, but until then I must use good old fashioned trial and error and make my way through my prescriptions.
Shannon
Dear period, why are you such a problematic bitch! You caused me consistent debilitating pain for years. I admit there was a satisfaction in a regular period that got rid of (what felt like) gallons of blood, but the pain you’ve caused me is agonising. Let alone you perpetuating all them lovely depressive episodes.
So you made me get the implant which has meant you’re always with me. For the last 5. God. Damn. Months. BUT NOT EVEN SO THAT IT’S KINDA CATHARTIC! You’ve ruined so much underwear with your surprise appearances. My vagina ain’t no peek-a-boo game. It’s fine. I’m fine. You’re fine.
If I get the bitch in my arm out maybe you’ll resume some regularity. Just gotta find me some pain killers that will contain you and maybe help with the rolls I gained with the implants presence.
– Much love, a pissed off 18 year old
My dear uterus,
I have to say you have been pretty good to me. THANKS! No cramps, no “Niagara Falls” in my panties, no mood swings (well from my point of view …), no boob’s pain! You don’t bleed on a regular schedule and it’s always for a week but who cares? i don’t feel it….
I’m the luckiest girl in the world !
Well sometimes you gave me false hope. Every week before you bleed, my really, really, REALLY small chest grows. And every time I think “maybe it’s the day I’ve been waiting for”. And then blood happens and I remember everything. I mean my boobs are this small since 2009 so I don’t know what I expect. But (most of the time) I don’t mind them because I like them very much at the end of the day.
You are also a great reminder to not take everything for granted. For example, I stop pooping four days before you flush and when I poop again, I’m really happy. And I appreciate a lot that I don’t have to go to the toilet more than twice a day when I’m not on my period. (I have a pretty great bladder)
The only thing you don’t manage well is the pill (or every hormonal contraception actually): how sad these things made me feel!! I can’t believe it. So now I treat you differently: with great condoms.
But it doesn’t really matter because I’m not a sexual person after all. So it’s not like I have sex every day. Actually it’s not like I have sex more than 5 times a year when I trust enough someone to do it. And it’s been a long long time since I trusted somebody. I know, I’m hard to convince but that’s fine. I don’t force myself anymore and I am happy with who I am.
I still hope I’ll find somebody to live with and have children with. I count on you when the time comes! I have really high expectations for my future pregnancy. Maybe you’ve been too good to me … I’m joking : PLEASE DON’T CHANGE EVER
With love,
The rest of my body
(I apologize dearly for my English and all the mistakes I made … I speak French but I love your idea (THDproject) too much. I had to write something about my not so interesting life)
Dear Pill,
After years of vomiting every month on my period I met you. You stopped this horrible experience that I thought was “normal” and you eased the agonising physical pain. The cramps, the migraines, the sore breasts all went away with you. But you brought about a new type of pain….
After nine months of severe mood swings, anxiety, and several antidepressants, therapists and hospitalisations, I came to the realisation that it had also been around nine months ago that I had started taking you.
The decision to leave you was a hard one and I have never found anyone to replace you that doesn’t also make me feel this way, although not for lack of trying.
The fact that I choose to be ill once a month for about 3 days, with one day a month unable to move from the pain, goes to show how awful the effect that you can have on the brain.
Maybe one day we can try again, but for now I will continue to live like this.
Dear Pregnancy Hormones,
You have quite a sense of humor, don’t you? You and me, we had a rough go. Barely a week after conception, I was already reeling from the massive effect you were taking on my body. Sure, physical ailments like heartburn, having to pee every thirty minutes and aching in places I didn’t know I could ache were somewhat expected. But the massive out-of-control hormonal shifts felt like a second puberty…at thirty-two…my god who wants to go through forty weeks of that?
But then, you sneaky devils, you pulled a 180. As I lost the pregnancy, I also seemed to lose total control of the basic functions of my body. My breathing was labored for weeks and walking even a few feet was exhausting. My hips and pelvis stretched and ached and neither sitting nor standing nor laying down relieved the stabbing pain. Eating was torture and the weight started to slide off. And when you made it entirely clear that this pregnancy was a no-go, I at least sighed in hopes for some relief for the torture you were putting my body through in the attempt to ready it for a tiny occupant.
When my body finally let go of the pregnancy, despite the sadness, it felt as though my entire body, which has been clenched in a tight fist, relaxed for the first time in almost two months.
I had thought that might be our final parting dear pregnancy hormones. But you decided there was work left to do. To remind me of your sneaky prowess, you started messing with my head, and once again, it felt like a return to my teenage years. There was no black hole, or unbearable sadness, or constant crying. No, you took a different route and took me to The Nothing, who the Areytu and Bastian of my childhood had fought so hard to save us all from. There was nothing in the morning when the sun rose. Nothing when I walked my dog through the glittery beauty of a midwestern winter. Nothing when my partner professed his love for me and asked what he could do to help. I longed to be lifted up into The Nothing that hung around me for months.
Yes, hormones, you fought a great battle, but you underestimated your opponent. You had forgotten that you tried to take me to The Nothing before. You had forgotten, but I remembered. I remembered that something exists beyond and I trudged through each day hoping to find it again. Until, I did find it. I remembered that my hormones like to cause mischief. That I needed extra help to set you all in line again. That this was not my doing, but yours. You sneaky bastards.
So I set you straight. I got you in line. It took over a year, but I won. And I’ve learned not to underestimate you as an opponent or risk my health for your sake.
Dear Girlfriend
Thank you for being open about your period with me..You talking about your period helps me understand how I can help and support you. Want a cup of tea/chocolate/hot thing on your belly? You sharing your pain is super important so I can be there for you. Your mood swings are acting up? I know to expect them and to understand what you’re going through. I’m glad you are not shy about your pads and tampons and things you need to do just because you bleed. I understand many girls are raised to think guys will be grossed out but I promise you I am not. On top of that you’ve changed the way our male friends react too. I’m proud of you for talking about your body and the normal things it does even though people have shamed you for it in the past.
Dear pill,
We’ve been going strong for almost 10 years now! I first got you because my acne was so bad we had to take serious measures to clear it and start taking you, the strongest pill there was available. I’ve been now thinking for almost a year to leave you. It’s not you, it’s me! I mean… to be completely honest it’s you. Because I have no idea what you’ll do to my body in the long run. And you know… you are banned in several different countries. You never did me no harm, but really, I think we’re going to have to take our separate ways. I’m just terrified of taking that first step and what will it mean for me to stop taking you. Please, please be kind.
Dear my genes I inherited from my grandmother and mother,
Why do you make my hormones work in such a chaotic way? Not that hormones don’t work chaoticly anyway, but you seem a rather over-the-top-special kind to me. Just the momentary understanding that I have of you today: You served me quiet well in my “early” years of childhood and puberty. You gave me a decent amount of boobs and curves (maybe a little too much but nothing I couldn’t live with), a positive attitude towards people and the world and a healthy interest in sex and discovering my body and sexuality. Everything was so wonderful – why change that I ask you? Well, it started with me taking the pill since I was 17 and my gynecologist changing it to a different type when I was 19 – plus maany different experiences in life during that time: Having my first real boyfriend, moving out in my own flat in a new city, having difficulties coping with that, breaking up with said boyfriend and having a new start with my new boyfriend… Lots to deal with. But whatever caused it: You, my dear genes, started to f*ck up my hormones. You started to change me, turning me from a lovely, relaxed girl with a positive attitude into … well let’s face it – a beast. It was like standing next to myself while exploding over a tiny issue and not being able to understand why I even acted that way. I didn’t recognise myself any more. It started to get better when getting completely off the pill age 20. But ever since, I had to learn anew how to deal with stress, how to control my emotions and how to handle the extreme downturns of my mood I face randomly every now and then. I have to say – it got a lot better and I learned to live a quite normal life in the last three years. But I also talked a lot with my mother and grandmother about the whole experience – and that’s why I know that there will come a time, when all this will start all over again. And again, and again, all throughout my whole life.
Though I know it’s stupid, I sometimes envy people with physical chronic illnesses – they “see” what is wrong with them, they have a name for it, there is a lot of research about most illnesses… Although caused by hormones, I have mental disabilities. And that sucks. I never know if I’m in an up- or downturn at the moment until it happens, how long it will last this time and if it’s getting worse overall or better… It’s such a slow, subtle and subconscious process, it’s always hard to make out exactly what’s happening to me.
But though that all sounds devastating and all, I somehow know, that I will find a way to cope with it. I feel like the first time is the worst time. When you have no idea what’s happening to you, what it’s caused by and you feel like your whole world is turned upside down. But with everything I experienced, I learn something more about myself. I know what kind of things cause me stress or anxiety or on the other hand happiness and tranquillity. I know, that I can a hundred percent rely on the help of my family and boyfriend, who where always there for me the whole time. I learn how to care for myself and how to live my life in the way that suit me and make me happy.
Dear genes, that f*ck up my hormones and therefore my mind – I hate you for that. But in some way I am also thankful.
So all in all, I hope for a good cooperation in the next months, years and decades – we will spend a lot more time together 😀
Best regards,
Jessica
Dear my messed up anxious self who put herself through 8 different gynecologists and various different hormone pills, listen here.
It’s okay that you grew up in a culture that insists on saving yourself before marriage. Even though your Turkish family and the little city you grew up may be one of least religious parts in Turkey, but you will still feel the pressure to keep your beautiful flower clean, ‘otherwise you will be dirty forever” as the old lady in the bus once told you. Just because no one realized that you had anxiety disorder growing up and it is the sole reason your periods were irregular, that doesn’t mean the 8 different gynecologists will recognize that you’re in fact mentally ill and just tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you.
That’s how my story started after I had my first interaction with a boy (I say interaction because it wasn’t even a good foreplay, let alone sex) my anxious brain started developing scenarios how I might be pregnant by a 0.02% chance. I was too afraid to ask for anybody’s opinion because no matter how modern your family looks, sex is still a bit of a taboo in Turkey. Me researching for every possibility online made me more anxious therefore my period was late and when it was late, I wasn’t completely convinced because there was an I-don’t-know-what percent chance that pregnant women could still have their period in the first three months of pregnancy. Therefore I waited for four months. Forth one was the charm for me. But after spending 3 very anxious months I thought I couldn’t live like this, I needed another way to be sure for certain. That’s how the journey of me having ultrasounds more regular than pregnant women started.
First one thought I had PCOS. Did I care? Not really because I was so relieved that she checked every corner of my stomach and I was so happy that she put me on some sort of basic hormonal pill to make my period regular. But as every 16 years old would be, I was pretty hormonal and still had interactions with the boy I was with, important to mention no sex. It took me 4 years worth of psychiatric treatment to realize that I was having a toxic relationship with this boy just because I was depressed and lonely and instead of recognizing the depression, I suppressed it and moved on with my anxiety which was worsened by every pill I took. It was my way to justify my normal teenage life without being a disappointment to my family. But at that time ultrasounds became my crack of choice. It didn’t feel right if I didn’t try to catch something in the blurry black and white screen that the doctor might have missed. So I kept going back, making excuses to my mother such as me wanting to change my pill or having my period a week late. Changing 8 doctors and pills varying from basic hormonal pills to heavy-duty birth control, I was certain that I really needed all of this.
Pills made everything worse. I was depressed, felt more anxious than ever but never blamed the pill for any of these. Regular periods and my hormonal acne going away were my favorite parts of the journey. Having a messed up stomach still to this day, always feeling sick, mood swings going from suicidal to less suicidal, my anxiety getting worse and worse every day, as you can imagine were my least favorite parts.
What saved me from my misery was, first of all, an amazing doctor that practically kicked me out of her room because there was nothing wrong with me, physically. She made fun of me for having so many ultrasounds, then told me to not to come back for at least six months. The second thing was I finally paid enough attention to my mental health and sought help. I stopped taking pills soon after I started because then again, messed up stomach. Now I just sit back, not freak out and just enjoy the process of being a functioning woman.
I know my story isn’t exactly what The Hormone Diaries about, but I wanted to share it anyway because I wish I came across something like this when I was googling for “x happened, am I pregnant?”
Dear hypothyrodism,
Even though i’ve only know you for about three years i think you’ve been with me since i was a teenager. When they told me you were in my life all the irregular periods, the mood swings, the fatigue, the acne and the depression finally made sense. The first sign you were around was the depression, next came the irregular and painfull periods, wich led to PCOS and a surgery to remove the cysts. My tyroid controls all the hormones so, when you came and decided that it wasn’t going to work as much as it needs to, you messed up with a lot of my body functions, including my mood and my period.
I’m happy that there’s treatment to control you, but i’m convicted to take a pill every day for the rest of my life and getting the right dose has been a pain psychologically exhausting.
. Despite all of this, I want to thank you for making me more aware of my body because since my diagnosis i’ve learnt to listen to my body and take care of it. I have a scar that reminds me every day that I have to love my body and that i’m lucky because I can receive treatment. Also, thanks to you I got over my fear of needles.
We still have a long road ahead, and i don’t regret a thing that we’ve been trough together.
Love, Roxana.
(Sorry if it’s not well written but english is not my first language. Thanks so much for giving us this space for telling our stories. It would be awesome if you could address hypo and hyper thyrodism in your channel.)
Dear Vaginismus,
You reared your ugly head at 15 when I tried tampons for the first time. You showed the impact you were going to have on my life when I tried to have sex for the first time at 16. I hated you. I cried. I blamed you for the breakdown of my relationship. I feared I would never be without you.
I didn’t understand why you’d chosen me. Sex therapists were convinced I’d been abused, had trust issues, didn’t want to have sex. None of this was true and I couldn’t explain why you were here. I still can’t answer that.
At 19 and single I found a therapist who believed me and used dilators daily (even though I hated using them more than anything). By 24 you finally left me alone to live a happy healthy sex life.
But now I think back to those years when I felt like you were the worst thing to ever happen to me. I don’t see you behind my shoulder and cry at you, curse you like I used to. I smile, and give you a wave before I turn back around. You made me stronger, made me get to know my self and my inner demons more than anything else in my life. And I know that if you visited again, I could work with you to overcome it.
Thank you, Vaginismus, for showing me I can overcome anything.
Yours sincerely,
E
X
Dear the monthly spots on my chin. You bleed more than my vagina.
Dear IMS or Irritable Male Syndrome,
I’m glad I finally know you exists. For months and months my moods and feelings were all over the place and I didn’t know why. I told my friends that I had PMS even though I am a guy. First I got some weird looks but when I explained where I was coming from they all started to understand. Men have hormones, too. They fluctuate. In my case they fluctuated real good. I knew i couldn’t have been my depression because I was in a good place in life. But every so often I would get this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and the need to be loved even though I was fine. The feeling always stuck with me for about 6 days after that I was fine being alone and single and would return to be a boss in life. So I started to write down when these feelings and mood swings would hit me and … ta-da it really is regular. About every 5 weeks it comes back to haunt me. Then I did a little research and I found out that it was you IMS. It all made sense now. I talked to my mother and my therapist about this and they said it made total sense since I have hormones, too. But nobody is thinking about it that way. Men can’t possibly be irrational and emotionally driven some might say. I call bullshit on that. I know how to deal with you now, IMS. I know what it’s like when you’re back at my doorstep and I can handle you now. You might be an unwelcome visitor every 5 weeks or so but we might as well try and get along while you’re here. Preferably with chocolate and a cup of tea. And to all the other men/boys out there: You’re not crazy. You’re human. Hormones are a part of you. So next time IMS comes along you can call it by its name. No shame!
Dear Periods,
There was a time that I had an extreme dislike for you. You came around regularly (almost swiss clock like) and I saw this as a huge middle finger to me between the ages of 12 to 19.I didn’t realise how important you were, you let me know that my body was doing its thing and I knew the exact day that you would appear. I miss this quality about you, lately you have been well late, and it has been stressful which is kind of adding to this cycle of stressing about late periods only to get later periods. Hopefully one day we can rebuild this relationship and go back to when you were on time for work.
Dear hypothyrodism,
Even though i’ve only know you for about three years i think you’ve been with me since i was a teenager. When they told me you were in my life all the irregular periods, the mood swings, the fatigue, the acne and the depression finally made sense. The first sign you were around was the depression, next came the irregular and painfull periods, wich led to PCOS and a surgery to remove the cysts. My tyroid controls all the hormones so, when you came and decided that it wasn’t going to work as much as it needs to, you messed up with a lot of my body functions. I’m happy that there’s treatment to control you, but i’m convicted to take a pill every day for the rest of my life, and getting the right dose has been so hard it’s mentally exhausting.
Despite all of this, I want to thank you for making me more aware of my body because since my diagnosis i’ve learnt to listen to my body and take care of it. I have a scar that reminds me every day that I have to love my body and that i’m lucky because I can receive treatment. Also, thanks to you I got over my fear of needles.
We still have a long road ahead but i don’t regret a thing that we’ve been trough together.
Love, Roxana.
(Sorry if it’s not well written but english is not my first language. Thanks so much for giving us this space for telling our stories. It would be awesome if you could address hypo and hyper thyrodism in your channel)
Dear Acne,
It’s been a while hasn’t it? Almost a year by my reckoning since we finally parted ways, and I just wanted to let you know that despite the scars you left me with, I’ve been having a blast without you.
Don’t get me wrong, we had some great times together. Like that time you decided to aggressivley attack my nose while I had a cold making it impossible to blow my nose without pain, Or that time you invited your friend cyst and let him stay indefinitley (I’ve finally got the eviction notice for him by the way, if you could let me know where you’ve got to I’ll forward him your address). Oh, and I can’t believe I almost forgot that 6 year period in which you made me self conscious in every social interraction and made sure you always reminded me you were around with soreness and bleeding. Fun times indeed.
But those times are gone now. Facewashing and clearasil talked a good game, but never had the strength to stand up to your testosterone fuelled regime. Even oxytetracycline and his antibiotic friends couldn’t mount an effective resistance, despite having 4 years to work at it. In the end, I had to force you out didn’t I? Isotetinoin, the enemy of my enemy, but he was never my friend. 6 months of drowning myself in moisturiser so I didn’t look like I was made of puff pastry. 6 months of graduation parties, summer get togethers, and even my own birthday where I couldn’t drink for fear of angering him. Having to travel a total of 3 hours each way on trains and buses for checkups and blood tests to make sure he wasn’t burning down too much of the house trying to root you out. But in the end it was all worth it.
I almost never went to him for help; his reputation isn’t exactly stellar, But you forced my hand. I can’t remember what it was like now to live with you, not really. And though my cheeks still bear your scars, and I have a couple of towels and pillowcases that still have staining from the creams I used to try to make you leave peacefully, the memories of your rule are fading.
You’ve left me with some good habits though, I’ll give you that. I keep my hands and my face well apart, initially to make sure I didn’t make you worse, but now it saves me from bacteria and potential illness. I keep my hair up at the front still, it’s become my signature hairstyle, all because I thought my fringe was causing you when you first appeared on my forehead. But most importantly, you’ve taught me how to beat you. My grandfather had acne as a young man, at a time when no real treatment existed. My father had it and tried to fight you with antibiotics and cleaning routines. But now, after 3 generations of trying, we’ve got your silver bullet, and if I ever have a son he’ll know your weakness, and I won’t stand idly by again to watch you claim another face.
I hope this message finds you, wherever you are. I’m sure you’re ruining the self esteem of another young person just trying to get on with their lives, so I hope this gives you pause.
We can beat you now.
Your reign is over.
Dear body,
I know I haven’t always been kind to you and tell you constantly how much I hate you but I feel like you get your revenge CONSTANTLY by only giving me one week every now and then of no pain. I have 2 chronic pain conditions, why do you feel like back ache so severe I nearly faint is fair? Ovulating? Have some pain. Due on your period? Have some pain. Just finished your period? HAVE SOME PAIN. I’m not even having sex, why do I need a constant reminder that I’m NOT pregnant when it isn’t even a possibility? Can you please give me a break? I take enough medication as it is, I don’t want to add more. I’ll try and be nicer to you, I really will.
Love Lauren
ps thanks for always making me come on when i’m in work, really appreciate that(!)
Dear small restroom stalls,
I don’t like you. As a fat person I get enough shit about my body. I don’t want to start using the handicap stalls in public restrooms just so I can change my tampon without becoming a contortionist. When there is no room in the stall and your thighs already touch both walls, how am I supposed to fit my hand down there? But if I use the handicap stall without a visible disability then I get shamed by the people waiting. I can’t win either way. Don’t even get me started on the fear I have a plus size women that I experience when I don’t have a tampon with me and I may need to ask for one.
Dear period,
We’ve had our differences…a lot of them… and maybe we have come to a truce. When you arrived in my little pink knickers at the age of nine I was mortified, but also a tiny bit excited. I was starting a new part of my life that I didn’t know anything about: Womanhood. I’ve never resented my female body…until you came. What didn’t you mess up? My energy, having to sleep 15+ hours as to actually (semi) function during your week long stay. My body, the aching of…well, everything. My boobs, my back, my lower stomach, my head. Everything hurt all the time, which didn’t really help that I was constantly in emotional disarray and had a huge problem for paying attention to anything whilst you were around.
Then there were the weakness/dizziness, the nausea and the complete and utter dread to see the days on the calendar closing in on the return of your presence. There is more I could badger you about, like the fever, the skin problems, the waterfall of blood and overall war you brought onto the battlefield that is my body. But I won’t, because this is what one puts behind us when peace has come.
Now after two years of tracking you on clue I had solid understanding of what was happening, and I brought that information to the doctor. I got prescribed the pill, and although I wasn’t through the roof when I knew I had to get hormonal treatment…it was better than being ill half the month. And it took just two tries to get to Yasmin, my love and my savior. When my body got used to her, she stayed and we’re getting along. The pain has gone, and i’m happier. I’m on my journey to know my body and i’m finally getting some answers. So even though you have been quite a pain (literally) you have also taught me much about myself and how I work…so thank you.
Dear implant,
I went through the pain of having you put into my arm, why can’t you just give me regular periods? Our time together is almost over yet you still surprise me (or sometimes don’t!) every month
Dear UTI (and your friend, the Kidney Infection),
It appears we will be life-long frienemies. Thus, I’d like to clear the air about something: The way you showed up out of nowhere my first term of college was very inconsiderate. In a time of great transition in my life, your appearance created so much difficulty for me. You brought symptoms that at first looked like our mutual friend, the flu, such as the constant vomiting. Hiding behind those flu symptoms is how the health center didn’t spot you for more than 5 weeks! (I’m not sure if you are aware, as you are an infection and not a student, but that’s more than half the term! A very long time to be sick indeed). Well I was preoccupied not being able to hold most my food down for weeks on in, rumors spread throughout my dorm that I “had an eating disorder” or “drank and partied too much.” These were tough stigmas to get over while trying to make friends on a campus that was totally new to me. Not to mention the UTI symptoms! I was so disoriented and confused as to what was happening to my body. If I wasn’t leaving class to throw up, it was to run to the bathroom for these urgent fails alarms. And the pain! How can struggling to pee hurt so bad? And why you waited a few weeks to ramp up on that symptom we’ll never know. Perhaps if you’d started with UTI symptoms and not the vomiting, I would have known it was you sooner.
If all that wasn’t bad enough, once we did spot you I had to endure constant ridicule for being “careless” and received so much unasked for advice to “go to the bathroom after sex.” People talked to me like I was an idiot and dirty. How were they to know that we didn’t become linked through sex? How could they know how I felt getting ridiculed for my supposed sex life while I was actually NOT sexually active at all? (The year before your arrival into my life, I had lost my virginity without my consent and had yet to feel comfortable letting anyone touch me in that way.) But as much as I recent you for making my first term of college one of the most horrendous experience I’ve had, the thing I hate you for the most is causing me to miss enough classes to get my very first C! Me! The obsessive straight-A student suddenly had a C. I lost my scholarship because of that C and had to pay for the remaining three years of college with a student loan.
Furthermore you keep trying to pop up again and again and again. But I’ve gotten smarter after that first kidney infection and you should know, while I expect us to cross paths again UTI, I’ve got my eye on you and I’m ready and armed (with anti-biotics) and you will never cause me so much pain and suffering again.
Dear my implant!
I know we had a bit of an iffy first year together, it was either a period every three months or every two weeks, but from the beginning of the second year together, they disappeared together, and it was the best 8 months of my life! No bleeding, no cramps, no mood swings!! So WHY may I ask, have you brought back my period? Listen. I’m not mad. Just disappointed.. and a little confused.. and you know I wasn’t prepared!! There hasn’t been period products in this house for almost a year! You sneaky devil..
All my love,
Amy
Dear reproductive system.
I haven’t yet found out wheter you are completely functional or not, but if you are, I want to thank you for that. I hope one day you can make my wish of becoming a mother come true.
I want to thank you for giving me the ability to experience sexual pleasure, because that is a wonderful feeling. Thank you for making it possible for me to connect with my partner and almost become physically one for a few moments. Thank you for making me feel like a woman, who is in charge of her sexuality. Thank you for making me a sexual being. You are a very important part of my body and you might just be my favourite. 🙂
Dear period,
You came out when I was 11. Instead of waiting for me to be alone you decided that you would come whenever you wanted. At a friends BBQ, scared and embarrassed I told my friend who then told her mum, who then sent me home.
To my surprise waiting for me my mum had all the period things you would ever need. From pads to tampons you name it. She had put a bag of all those things on my door in the morning. How she knew this was going to happen, I still to this day don’t understand.
Few years pass and not only do you want to say hello by showing yourself you hurt me too. The pain was so bad had to have days off school. It made me be sick, and sweat a lot.
The year I started to have sex (I was 16) is the year I got onto the pill. And oh boy you loved it. You no longer want to shout and scream at me when you came out. You praised me with a welldone your not pregnant. That was it.
We’ve had our ups and downs me and you. But we’ve always been there even though you have never been regular.
Dear my ovaries that don’t work and the health system that’s failing me,
I took another pregnancy test today, it was negative. Of course it was. I’m not even trying to get pregnant, but why have my periods stopped again?! No word of a lie, I started my periods in January 2018 at the age of 25. I’ve had random bleeds here and there throughout my life, but I’ve had them constantly month on month since this year, until my last two bleeds… where I didn’t bleed! However, I have gained weight, again. My weight comes down, periods happen, weight goes up, bye bye periods. One side affect of PCOS is uncontrollable weight gain yayyyy. Can you see the problem I have here? What I also don’t get is the fact nearly 15% of women suffer from PCOS, so where’s the cure/research developments? Why are so many women suffering in silence? How am I meant to feel sexy with my boyfriend if I’m constantly thinking about how hairy I am, using Veet to remove my facial hair, and yo-yo dieting? Why isn’t the NHS pumping more money in to researching something that seems to be affecting a lot of people? What if one day I want to start a family and I can’t do it naturally and they refuse to give me ivf due to my size?
I have so many questions left unanswered, but I’m assuming I’ll just have to keep plodding on and find out the answers on the way.
With love, Kristina.
Dear irregular period and Swedish health care system
Since I started my period at 13 (18 now) they have been very irregular since. Months still pass between them every once in a while. Even though I practice safe sex, there’s always that little voice in my head trying to convince me that I’m pregnant because of my irregular periods.
This last time was perticularly bad: 70 days had passed and still no sign of a period. I was so nervous, but I made myself act rationally. I went to the pharmacy and bought my first pregnancy test, just to be sure. It came out negative, thankfully. However, I still wasn’t sure, because my period still didn’t come. I therefore proceeded with booking an appointment at the Swedish Ungdomsmottagning, which is a center for sexual and mental health for young people in Sweden. They provide free contraceptives, abortions and consoltations with psychiatrists and midwives. Incredible.
I went there on a weekend when my family was away, because I didn’t want to worry or embarass them. The midwife there was so understanding. I told her about my problems, she asked me about different aspects of my life that could influence a period. Before I left I took another pregnancy test, which also came out negative. A week later, on the 80th day, my period finally came. I now have another appointment with a gynecologist in a month. I believe they will check for PCOS and other abnormalities.
Having irregular periods is annoying, but I know I still am fortunate compared to people with endometriosis for instance. The swedish health care system also helps. I am incredibly thankful for everything they do for young people. Now with this upcoming appointment, I might finally find out what is causing my irregular periods. Soo much love to the Ungdomsmottagningen, I really can’t stress this enough!
Hormone Diaries
Dear Hannah,
Here’s my story of contraception:
Dear vagina,
We’ve learned a lot over the last 2 years. We never had any problems, probably because I didn’t listened to you at all at that time. I am really sorry for that.
When the first boyfriend came into our life very unexpected at the age of 17, contraception, love and dating became huge toppics all of a sudden. So, as most girls in Germany do, i got the pill.
I loved how my skin cleaned up, my period got lighter and how easy it was to loose weight while my boobs kept getting bigger. Looking back i hate how it made my heart melt at the sight of “cute animals”-videos on YouTube (what isn’t natural to me), cry way more than usual and having a headache almost every day.
You didn’t liked the extra hormones either, i experienced the first cramps of my life.
But being in love and making love made us keeping on. (- a quick shout out to the boy who was always there to massage my belly, bring me chocolate and held me while i cried over nonsense at this point. Thanks for supporting me and motivating me to listen my own body!)
After a year i had enough of remembering to take the pill daily, periods with cramps that weren’t manageable without painkillers, migraines and being hyper girly, furthermore I had enough research done about kinds of contraception, especially the pill didn’t seem appealing to me anymore.
After talking to friends and my doctor a copper coil sounded great to us. More and more young girls decide for the coil here. It’s way more expensive than taking the pill in my case (the amounts for the pill can vary from 5-25€/3 or 6months, depending on your insurance, and coil about 250-400€/3 years) but it’s soo much easier and you don’t need to worry about anything (at least when you have sex with someone you’re in some sort of relationship in).
So i got the coil inserted while i was still taking the pill. The insertion went very well. It wasn’t painful , rather just a uncomfortable feeling. After you kept on bleeding for over 2 weeks and giving me this weird feeling when I bent over everything was perfect.
Since i stopped taking the pill i gained the weight back i lost (through the pill) and made my first 2 pregnancy tests (spoiler: problem- you don’t realize you can’t really check if the coil is where it should be until your period is late for the first time after over a year- happy going crazy and making tests just to calm your mind) but the headaches stopped and the cramps eased.
We both feel more like ourselfs now. I am glad we found a way we both feel comfortable with.
Lots of love, Julia
(Hannah, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences about contraception and relationships. I am very interested in the connection between evolution, choosing a partner and sex but there seem to be few people interested in this topic or at least they don’t dare to seek that information or share it. So thank you for opening up on “taboos”!) 😊😊🤗
Dear UTI,
We’ve had some bad times in the past, haven’t we?
When I got you during my year abroad in Spain I just didn’t know what to do. Too scared to go to the doctor because I would have to explain what was wrong in Spanish, I just let you get worse and worse. My friends recommended all sorts of remedies to me and I tried them all, from cranberry juice to drinking a pint of water with bicarb of soda in. Eventually things got so bad I gave in and decided to try and book a doctor’s appointment. I got the 40 minute bus across town to the only surgery in the city that accepted walk-ins but upon arrival realised I had forgotten to bring my EHIC card and so was sent away again, painful flank and all.
Slowly I recovered (not helped by the copious amounts of alcohol I continued to drink, as is the way of life for an erasmus student) and from this ordeal I learnt a few things:
-ALWAYS pee after having sex
-Sangria helps in most situations but not when you have a UTI
-The spanish for UTI (infeccion del tracto urinario)
-If you tell your boss you think you have a kidney infection you will definitely get a day off work.
So UTI I hope I never encounter you again, but if I do at least I can explain in two languages what is wrong with me.
Dear sertraline,
thank you for doubling the mood swings I feel everytime I get my period. Is something that’s supposed to improve your mood worth taking if 25% of the time it turns you into a confused, emotional wreck? Doctors tend to leave out the side effects of getting your period on antidepressants, but if you ever have to deal with me emotionally when I’m on my period, please bear with me, I’m sorry.
Dear OBGYN,
I still feel a little confused and odd that you dismissed/summed my very irregular and often absent periods with a “well, are you complaining?”. I know that I was young when I visited, but I mean when I first started I *was* regular – even if the side effect is “good” I’d like to know what’s going on down there. Is it PCOS? Is this just how my ovaries function? I’d still like to know, and your shrug those four years ago still bugs me.
The fact that I insisted I be swabbed down there to check for any infections (after you insisted that everything looked fine) and the fact that I did, after all, had a yeast infection doesn’t exactly quiet my fears.
I’ve still been afraid to bring this up to other doctors I’ve seen, unfortunately. Hope you were right.
Sincerely, Miss D. My Periods.
Dear the coil,
thank you for working better than the pill. After multiple years of throwing up and crying myself to sleep because my body didn’t get pregnant (lol I’m gay so that would’ve been surprising) and bled everywhere, the pill told me if would help – surprise it made it worse. I was tested for endometriosis and other dumb things but even though I had most of the symptoms nothing could tell me where the throwing up and excruciating pain came from. Anyway, I got given the pill by the fantastic Norwegian system (it has it’s flaws but is doing okay) and I bled every day for over 6 months and cried myself to sleep from pain just as long. I got severely depressed and was failing school. Safe to say I didn’t love life. BUT when I got of it I went and got you, my coil.
So the process of inserting you was VERY painful. I almost passed out, and I definitely cried a lot. I struggled to walk properly for a day or two, and I bled for about a month. But it was all so worth it! I’ve had you for a year and a half and you basically saved my life.
So thank you to you, my coil – for not only saving me from getting pregnant (a hilarious fact in all of this), but for allowing me to have more control over my own body.
Dear Endometriosis,
I didn’t know I had you until you stuck my insides together! I didn’t know you exist because you take on average 7 years to diagnose despite creeping up on 1/10 of us unfortunate ladies. You stuck me together real good. To the extent where you blocked my bowel completely. You baffled the doctors, they thought you were Crohn’s. The steroids calmed you for a while but emergency surgery….. 3 times in a week and a stoma were the only things to stop you. Temporarily. You introduced me to intensive care, a coma and a 12 week hospital stay. You took away 2/3 of my intestine. You taught my husband how to feed me through a tube for 6 months. You also introduced me to IVF, against which you protested violently. 4 times. You infected my pelvis when your cysts ruptured. You are quiet for now, thanks to a friendly monthly injection. Although that could damage my bones. We will out you Endo! You are not something to be tolerated. Not something to be put up with or confused with something else and not something to stop me smiling and fighting. ☺️👊🏻
Dear hymen
People say you don’t exist. And for many people you don’t. You just are flaps that are easily breakable that might bleed a little but is otherwise fine.
Well, you, my dear hymen, was a pain in the.. vagina(?) for me..
I spend two years telling lies to people to not feel immature or behind. I spend two years of a relationship in constant worry that he would break up with me because sex felt impossible and painful. Sex was so scary whenever you tried to put a finger or a penis up there and it met what felt like a wall. It hurt a little bit but mostly felt like it didn’t exist. It took me two years to tell the doctor, two years before(!) before I was told that there was a reason for this pain. It was actually quite simple. My hymen was just thicker and more stuck together than normal. 3 months and a break up(I broke up with him) after the doctors visit, I went into full narcosis or princesses sleep as they called it. I woke up in slight pain with a broken hymen. I went home. I suddenly had the opportunity to have sex. But all of this had scared me shitless. I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that this possibility was open for me to try. And suddenly I didn’t want to. I ruined a relationship more over this anxiety for sex. Even though I liked him, maybe even loved him.
It wasn’t until I met this guy. He was way more experienced than I. But we took it slow(ish). We had the worst first sex possible. His dick wasn’t even halfway into me. It took time and I like sex, maybe even love it. It’s fun. But the anxiety is still in me. The feeling of inexperience the anxiety for ‘closing up’ again is way to real.
Dear Hymen. I know you just tried to protect me. But you honestly ruined so much for me. I’m glad you’re broken, may you stay that way.
Dear special pocket in every bag that I own,
Thank you for always being there for when I need you. You’re the reason I’m not panicking when its ‘the time of the month”, haha. Also you’re the reason why some classmates are extremely relieved. You always have tampons and pads. It does not matter if I’m on my period.
Thank you.
Dear my acne,
I have had a good 5 year battle with you. For almost 3 of those years I have been wading through all the medications and topical treatments and most of them haven’t worked. I’m currently on my 6th treatment and it was finally working! Until about a week ago. After upping my dose of roaccutane from 10mg back to 20mg, you have caused me awful mood swings that could potentially turn into depression. It was working so well for 5 months but I’m so sensitive to it that I have now been affected by this awful side effect. I have now been taken off this medication.
Acne, I hope that if I am put back on it or something else, that you kindly leave. I’m 17 now and I think 5 years is long enough to be living on my face.
Lots of love,
Nicola, Co. Wicklow, Ireland xxx
Dear vulvodynia,
I hate you for making me feel afraid. I hate you for loosing what little confidence I had. I hate you for all the pain you’ve made me go throught. That you still sometimes make me go through. I hate you for making me fear sex. I hate you for making me uncertain for 7 months. I hate you for making me cry. I hate you for making me feel alienated from my own sexuality and body. I hate you for making me feel weak. I hate you for making me say no to the people I love. I hate you for making me feel broken.
But.. I love you for making me stronger. I love you because without you I wouldn’t have felt the need to fight for my own happiness, my confidence. Without you I wouldn’t have been as desperate as I was to find love.. towards my self. I love you for making me be more careful about the people I choose to be around. I love you for making me more honest. I love you because you made me prioritise my health.
Yours always,
Piia
Dear my stupid aching body,
You cause me enough problems as it is, fighting my tendons and my joints as if they don’t belong. You cause me pain. But when my hormones fluctuate, and my period comes along, you just get worse. You make me HURT. I just hope that you decide soon if you’ll ever let me have a kid. I might like to have my own child someday, but I’m scared to give them this gene, and give them this pain, and give them a body like you. And I’m scared that you would be even worse to me than you are now over those nine months. I know that lots of kids need adopting, but there is something so wonderful and soft and beautiful about the thought of having my own child, if I can. I just don’t know if I can handle that, or handle forcing the pain you cause me onto a child.
Please, just let me make my own decisions instead of making them for me.
Dear cramps,
Why am I meeting you now? All these years I haven’t met you. But since I’m on the pill I’ll meet you when it’s time. I don’t like the pain. But it’s a nice reminder. O and I do like it you only visit me the first two days of my period.
So thank you.
Dear Endometriois,
You’ve been my constant companion now for 13 years. You’re worse than a controlling boyfriend, I can’t work, can’t see friends, can’t live without the constant nagging of you clawing at my insides. Simple things that should be enjoyable like sex you’ve changed into a gut wrenching, screaming-inducing (not the good kind) nightmare. Some days it’s just me you and a hotwater bottle, scrolling through instragram tourturing ourselves with how the rest of the world is living, without this daily pain. 5 surgeries in 6 years, more morphine a day than I could ever imagine, too many sick days to count and all because I was so unfortunate as to be born with a uterus. Some days it feels like a sick joke my body is playing on me because of you, but this joke has gotten old… quick. I don’t know who I am without you any more but I would still like to find out someday..
You’re old pal,
Orla
Dear Uterus,
I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through on this journey not to be pregnant. You seemed happy back when I was on the pill! (You almost never bled, which sometimes made me nervous.) But, the pill made me feel crazy, not to mention the weight gain. I could feel myself go from happy to sad to angry like someone else was hitting a switch inside my head. When I realized how bad my depression was getting, I had to stop taking it. I tried to go non-hormonal with the copper IUD first, and you didn’t like that. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life. I went to work and couldn’t stand, and then to the grocery store where I ended up doubled over. That’s when I realized you had pushed it half way out and I cried at the doctors office after they took it out. I felt like I had failed at birth control, like I was going to have to just use condoms the rest of my life because long-term contraception just wasn’t for me. Finally I got up the courage to try the Skyla IUD, which was smaller and better. The localized hormones haven’t effected my mood, though I still have the depression, and the IUD mostly stopped hurting you after the first year. There’s still a pretty rough day of cramps right before my “period” which is more like a day of bleeding that happens at random intervals. Anyways, I hope you’re okay down there. I’m not always sure what I’m doing, but I love you and I’m trying!
Dear Microgynon,
It started out so well. There I was, nursing my crippling stomach and back pain with infinite hot water bottles, bleeding through the thickest pads Sainsbury’s had to offer (and, trust me, they are pretty thick), when the doctor told me I could start using you. I was absolutely thrilled. I had heard all the horror stories about depression and awful side effects, and it took a while before I got used to the idea of pumping hormones through my body but – oh my God – when I finally realised I would never have to spend hours scrubbing blood out of my bed sheets again, I can’t even describe how happy I was. You were my magic pill, my saving grace, my everything. But then things started to change.
I didn’t even realise it was you. I had been taking you for a few months by then, and you had become part of my routine – wake up, get dressed, brush teeth, take pill. (Or, occasionally: wake up, get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, leave the house, realise mid-morning that I had forgotten to take you and spend the whole day worrying that I was going to start bleeding. I learnt to have an emergency stash of you in my bag after that.) And by then, all the warnings of sadness and depression had been entirely forgotten.
It started in the summer. I had planned to be productive and do lots of writing and singing and composing; all the things I like doing but never have time to do. It came as a shock that when I opened my computer and started typing, I found myself crying. Then, the next day, when I sat down at the piano and started playing, I found myself crying. Then, the next day, when I turned on my microphone and started singing – well, you get the idea. It was too hard, I said to myself. I have no inspiration. I can’t do it. Which was strange, because I had never found any of those things hard before. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
I found myself feeling sad about the future and feeling sad about the present and feeling sad that I wasn’t able to do anything anymore, and, Microgynon, I continued to take you every single day. There was no correlation, right? How could there be? The instructions on your leaflet said to stop taking you every so often and have a bleed, but my doctor had said you didn’t really need to follow that rule exactly. And surely I would be even more unhappy if I started having periods again. Which meant I could literally just keep taking you forever, right? Right??
WRONG. I don’t think I will ever forget the day when I realised just how wrong I was. I had taken you throughout the whole summer, and I had continued to be incredibly unproductive and incredibly sad. Then, one day, I was lying on my bed, looking at my laptop, when I felt a feeling I hadn’t felt in a while. It sort of felt like I needed to pee, but… it wasn’t that. ‘What?’ I thought. ‘This can’t be… no. Surely not.’ I was wrong. It was. I stood up, and the floodgates opened. Blood poured out of me, and I didn’t even have time to think. I rushed downstairs to the bathroom, trying to catch as much as possible in my hands, when I looked down and saw something strange. It looked like a blood clot, but… it wasn’t. I prodded it, and it was solid. Oh God. I was terrified. Why was I bleeding?? What was this weird thing?? The answers were, I discovered, respectively: 1. I had taken the pill for way too long without a break, and 2. It was a piece of uterus lining. Turns out your body does not appreciate being pumped with hormones for too long after all.
Thank you, Microgynon, for everything you did for me, but I’m afraid our relationship was rather toxic, looking back on it. I was grateful for the lack of bleeding and pain, but the depression and strip of uterus lining you gave me in return were perhaps not exactly what I bargained for. You were a good friend for a while, but I think now is the time for us to go our separate ways – even if it does mean having to scrub blood out of my bedsheets again.
Dear my monthly mood swings, after just over a year of being on the contraceptive pill (Microgynon 30), now that I have finished taking it, I see you may be returning. I guess we will have to take this one menstrual cycle at a time. When I first started my period, you were manageable, so thank you for that. However, when life got more stressful (A-levels, ARGHH!), you took over me.
For two weeks at a time before each period, I would become a different person. I was unmotivated and fragile and ANGRY ALL OF THE TIME. I would constantly pine for attention but you would snap at anyone who tried to give it to me. On weekdays, after school, you wouldn’t let me revise or do any homework. My lack of productivity would really upset me.
The moment my period started, you would leave. It was like the sky had cleared of the dark, dark clouds and my brain started functioning normally again. I don’t know, maybe it was psychosomatic. Anyway, each cycle you got worse and my emotions became more extreme. At my worst, you convinced me to break a mug. I know this wasn’t a huge deal, but as a shy and rule-abiding person, this was probably the most rebellious thing I had ever done.
My mum found me crying on the kitchen floor with the ceramic pieces shattered around me. I am so grateful that she wasn’t angry. Instead, she told me she understood; it turns out I inherited you from my maternal grandmother.
My mum took me to our local doctor surgery and I was prescribed Microgynon 30 pretty much instantly, I was dubious that the pill would work at first and the slip of paper describing a long list of side effects and risks that came with the blister packs did not help (more on this later). I shouldn’t have worried; the pill was amazing! Thank you NHS! For the fifteen months that I took Microgynon, a tamer, more manageable version of you would return for the one day before my period. One day! This tiny capsule of progesterone and oestrogen was a Godsend.
While I was taking this pill, I did experience one side effect. I realised that I had stopped having crushes. Not only that but I had lost interest in boys completely. It wasn’t sudden so I didn’t notice it at first but after a few months, I knew something was up. I was happy, life was good, but it lacked a certain energy. I think I described it to a friend as feeling like a flat bottle of coke; as if I had lost my fizz. If that makes any sense.
For a while, I thought I might have been asexual; the idea of sex had completely no appeal. I wasn’t grossed out by it, but it didn’t excite me either. After doing a little bit of research, I found out that a drop in libido is actually a side effect of taking Microgynon. Weird right? A contraceptive that makes you want to stop having sex! Luckily, I think this side effect is quite rare. While researching, I also found out that this side effect, as it is hormonal, doesn’t make me asexual. This makes me wonder what my sexuality would have been in this instance. Can sexuality be temporary? How closely involved are hormones with sexuality? I may be getting a little sidetracked.
In this summer, after consulting with my doctor and when I had finished my A-levels, I came off the pill. It was a bit of an experiment to see if I could survive without it before I went to uni and if I was actually asexual. My first period after coming off the pill was two weeks early. I had moderate mood swings for about a week prior. My second period was EIGHT weeks late. For a couple of days each week, three weeks leading up to the big day I was in a bad, but manageable, mood. No crockery was broken. However, most importantly, I started having crushes again! After all that time, I had completely forgotten what it felt like.
This was just in time as in less than two weeks I will be heading off to university. I am taking the pills with me just in case you get really bad again, but I am not planning on using them. I will find other ways to cope. I know that taking these pills will mean losing this huge part of me; a part of me that I am willing to fight for. So if you return, I will be ready.
Lots of love,
Hannah xxx
Dear Depo Provera injection,
THANK YOU! Thank you for stopping my periods for so many years, it has saved me a lot of money on period products (which we all know aren’t affordable on a student budget). Thank you for controlling the unbearable cramping caused by my ovarian cysts, and for preventing more from forming. Thank you even more for preventing babies!!! Ya girl isn’t ready for babies yet… Big thanks for making my boobs fill out and look extra perky, these E-cups need all the help they can get to defy gravity. Thank you for being reliable, easy to attain, affordable and painless (for the most part). I would definitely be poorer, sorer, droopier and grumpier without you, so thanks for helping a sister out. I hope we’ll stay together for many years to come.
Lots of love,
A xo
Dear menstrual cup,
The first time I used you I’ll admit, we both said some things we didn’t mean. You hurt me in the most sensitive place and yes maybe I shouldn’t of cursed you onto the floor. We’ve had our ups and downs but I’m glad we could work things out. We just need to relax more and take things slowly. Thank you for everything you do but if you hurt me again I’ll lose my shit. Love from your user xxx
[from France]
Dear First Period,
Why did you look all liquid and brown and made me think maybe I was actually having diarrhea and not starting my period ?? I knew I was the average age to get you and I am physically speaking rather average in everything, so I was ready, you just had to look like regular blood and I would have understood ! I was waiting for you, I would have welcomed you ! Instead I just ruined a few panties and worried about having to tell my mom but I was too embarrassed.
But don’t worry, I received Second Period all right a month later and they told me what it was about and we tested hygiene products and stuff. Just sorry you missed on that !
Dear cramps,
This may come as a surprise, but we are not actually going to die from lack of blood. You should be used to it by now, so why do you feel the need to be so intense every few months ? Do you realise that fainting and vomiting is in itself way more harmful than the blood flow you’re obsessing about ? Also, freaking out the maths teacher doesn’t mean that we’ll get to resit the test in better conditions.
Mate, just chill.
Dear sports teacher,
No, I won’t go to the swimming pool every week because “by now I should be comfortable with my body and there are protections that allow you to swim.”
Cups are not a thing yet and I’ll throw my damp tampon at you, I swear.
Dear pill,
The GP prescribes you by default because you are good for most people, and said if I had any side effects we could switch, but honestly, you’re fine. I don’t have any cramps anymore. My period lasts only 4 days. The GP said I could skip the “inactive” extra week of pills and I won’t even have my period, which is damn practical. When I do that several months in a row, sometimes my period takes one or more months to come back, but it’s okay.
The only issue with you is that you are always at the back of my head, since I have to take you every day at the same hour, but you know what ? My boyfriend has an alarm on HIS phone and sends me a text when it’s time. Involving all parties in contraception ! While also making sure we keep in touch because we’re long distance !
Seriously, you’re perfect. Thank you.
Dear menstrual cup,
Sometimes you slip and sometimes you spill and I’m not sure why. Sometimes the tip that they put at the bottom irritates my vagina but I’m too afraid to cut it off. But this is a learning curve, and I’m ready to go down that road with you. Thank you for being comfortable and also kinda funny to use. I think I understand you better each time.
I have also never had to cook my own menstrual hygiene products before, you really are one of a kind !
Dear reproductive system,
Thanks for working fine. I don’t intend to use you, at least not for a few years, maybe I never will, but we get along and that’s great. I’m sorry for thinking that you were responsible for my mental health issues at some point. You, the hormones, and the pill, were the perfect culprits, but you were all innocent.
Some day I will bring you to the gynecologist, I promise. But you don’t really seem to need it for now so I’ll focus on other things first, okay ? Just tell me if you need, and also, I’ll make sure we don’t catch any sexually transmitted disease so don’t worry about that.
Dear Period,
you’re horrible. Not because of the cramps or the aching back or the miserable mood you put me in. I’m used to all that. One of the first things a gynaecologist asks at a check up, though, is if I have a regular period. As a healthy, adult woman, I don’t think my answer should be “Umm.. kinda, but not really?” I never met anyone else whose cycle depended on their relationship status. If I am in a relationship, my cycle is a beautifully regular 28 days. Like clockwork, every fourth Tuesday. Why Tuesday? I don’t know. However, just when I get used to it, after several months of dependability, it’s late for a week or two, to give me a nice little pregnancy scare. If I’m single? Oh, we don’t need regular periods if there’s no man to put a baby in me, right? So instead it’s every 32 days. Or 40. Or 29. Or 56. Oh wait, let’s just skip a month. But then let’s make the next cramps twice as horrible, because apparently you can skip the blood, but not the pain. So now I’ll just have to spend 2 days in fetal position, incapacitated from pain, desperately waiting for the painkillers to kick in.
At this point, I’m pretty sure you’re just messing with me. I refuse to start taking hormonal contraception just to get you under control. You’re never there when I expect you. You come at the worst moments. You ruin all my underwear. You’re painful, messy and inconvenient. And I still love you, damn you, because if I didn’t have you that would be even worse. I just wish you didn’t play tricks on me.
Dear Pads,
Thank you for being. I know a lot of people diss you and they don’t like you as much as tampons or menstrual cups or anything but you are the best for me and you deserved to be loved.
Except when you’re leakingm I like you less when that happens, But those cases are both of our faults so I guess it’s okay.
Dóri
Dear Turner Syndrome,
It has been fifteen years since you came into my life at the age of 14, you announced yourself when my periods stopped about six months after they had begun. It is almost impossible to explain the feeling of knowing you have effectively started the menopause before you have even fully gone through puberty and watching all your friends grow and develop and go through things which are unattainable to you. It is even more difficult to get your head around the fact that your ovaries have given up the ghost and biological children will not be part of the life plan, try dealing with that emotional rollercoaster on top of GCSE’s and A levels! It has been a relatively uneventful so far but I feel this is only just the beginning. I have happily been on the Pill Loestrin all these years which gives me not much to complain about and Thyroxine for my underactive Thyroid (thanks for the stunted growth and making me short – height jokes and comments are tiring so please don’t). With trepidation I am about to embark on HRT as it is not recommended to stay on the Pill indefinitely. I can only hope that it will be met with the same success, even if through trial and error. The trickiest stage is now rearing it head as I am at an age where all my friends will be starting families very soon and I will have to smile and sit by while they go about their lives. I can only hope one day that I will be blessed with a family of my own through whatever means they may be. It’s important to stress that like all things in life Turner Syndrome is unique to each person and no two people will have the same symptoms but the most universal symptoms are infertility, underactive thyroid and short stature.
Dear endometriosis,
Firstly thanks for making doctors put me into artificial menopause, having to go through that at 22 years old is great! And knowing I’m going to go through that again, I can’t thank you enough! Thank you for making me have to carry around multiple changes of clothes, underwear and sanitary pads because as soon as that period comes BAM we both know I’m going to have a leak! Thank you for putting me in hospital multiple times because morphine was the only thing relieving the pain, thank you for clinging onto my ovaries, uterus, bowel and pelvic wall. Thank you for making me feel faint, vomit and miss so many days of school/ work due to not being able to move.
But most of all endometriosis thank you for being the bane of my entire existence. Not one day goes by that I don’t think about you.
Lots of love, Nicole
Dear my endometriosis
For a long time, I didn’t even know you existed. At first, people would insist that their periods weren’t that bad and that surely I was exaggerating the amount of pain I was in to miss days of school/sixth form.
I admit it was easier, in the beginning, to pretend that nothing was wrong and to take microgynon to mask the pain and quieten you down however after two years of bliss and pill provoked depression it was time to buck up and face you. At first, you weren’t so bad, and like most people, we had our ups and downs yet you seemed somewhat reluctant to coexist in the same skin for much longer.
The first time you decided to introduce yourself properly I was at work, I must admit that I don’t remember much about our introduction except the way the stock room floor felt when I curled up in its corners. It took another three periods for me to understand that I may not actually be a drama queen and that you might actually not be a figment of my imagination.
I do then have to send my apologies for introducing you to a gynaecologist, I also must admit that I did know that she was planning on attacking you violently with a laser but I think, four periods later, that you have managed to make your displeasure known!!
I have since researched ways to help you out, though if you ask me your demands are extensive and you couldn’t be any higher maintenance if you tried!
I would like us to be friends, as ambitious as that sounds, I believe if we struck an alliance we’d would be a force to be reckoned with, please find my terms below:
1. We aren’t giving up coffee!… I don’t care how bad it is for you.
2. Please try not to destroy the reproductive system too much, I would like to birth some tiny humans someday.
3. I promise after the last four attempts I won’t try to drug you with contraceptives again… even the acne didn’t appreciate that one.
Let me know how you find these terms… preferably by not growing on all of my organs and trying to punch your way free of my body.
Love
The human who also lives inside this skin.
Dear NHS England,
I know you took 7 years to diagnose my endometriosis but that’s alright, everyone put it down to being 14 then 15,16,17,18,19 until I was 20 and couldn’t take it anymore. Thank you to the most lovely and kind GP that mentioned endometriosis and referred me to a gynaecologist. I am forever grateful for that one referral that gave me answers I’d been searching for since I started my periods. Thank you to my first gynaecologist that gave me a mirena coil that worked to some degree until 2 months later when the pain came with a hospital visit and a referral to a specialist centre in Hull. Thank you to the endometriosis specialist consultant and nurse in Hull who reassure me every time I feel like my artificial menopause isn’t working and I’m so scared that my pain is coming back. Whilst I may need another surgery I’m forever grateful to the nhs that my treatment is and always has been free, and that I feel people are doing so much for little me to get out of the excruciating pain I feel on a daily basis. You keep me going!
Nicole
In May 2013, I started the injection for 18 months and it was just awful when I started my long-term relationship. I bled for every single day of those 18 months – and every day for 18 months after. Two and a half years on my periods are still not back to normal despite my GP and clinic nurse telling me that it would only take ‘a few months’ to leave my system. They (the GP & nurse) put me on the mini pill to stem the bleeding and it made it worse. My mental health took a bigger nosedive; I began hallucinating, having suicidal thoughts and I just couldn’t take seeing so much blood every time I used the bathroom. Never again will I be taking hormonal contraception ever again – I’ll stick to condoms for the rest of my sexually active life! I can only hope that one day my cycle will return to “normal”.
Dear My Pre-Period Mood,
Oh, hello elusive one, didn’t recognise you til you were leaving. Again.
Thought my mental health had tanked because of the weather, my diet, the planets. Thought maybe it would never end. Again.
That’s what you do best, I guess, convincing me that I’m distraught for any reason other than my hormones.
Things got pretty dark. Again.
Almost went to the doctor. Again.
I looked after myself, and I thought it was all me, that brought me through to blue skies, lights at the end of a tunnel. Again.
And yet, it seems I am beholden to you, moods borne of hormones. It seems many people will not take me seriously the next time I’m sad. Again. Because of you. You who reals so real until you’re gone.
If I can work out a way to fix this, I’m sorry but I won’t miss you. You make it hard to work, to be around people, to enjoy anything. And sometimes you stay for 2 weeks!
I’m sorry, but I function better when you’re not around. Maybe this time, it’s better if you stay gone.
Yours Unwillingly,
Harri
Dear MY DOCTOR,
Remember when I came by in tears for the first time about three years ago? Because I sure do. Sleepless nights because of heart palpitations, feeling like I couldn’t breath, genuine pains in my left arm. You couldn’t find anything. And neither did you find anything the next time or the time after that. But I was losing sleep so much I was desperate and broke my own one rule when it comes to health issues: I googled.
It’s very rare that people on the pill experience these kinds of side effects, but it happens enough for it to be a regular google result. So when I told you I was going to stop taking the pill because the hormones were literally keeping me up at night to extreme exhaustion, and you pretty much laughed in my face I lost all my respect for you. I quit taking the pill anyway. Best decision I have ever made for myself. Contraception is important, but man, hormones can really fuck everything else in your body up.
So now I’ve been off the pill for nearly three years, and I’ve been sleeping better, feeling fitter, and genuinely happier as well. To me that’s more than worth it. Fucking hormones though. They will get you every time. Especially because – you know – literally everyone reacts differently to that stuff.
Oh and if your doctor ever laughs in your face, leave. Find another one. It’s not your fault, it’s theirs. Always.
Dear Levonorgestrel(my contraceptive pill)
The year we had together was confusing to say the least. You came and went along with my first relationship. My first ‘sexual partner’. My first abusive relationship. Was it you that made me have depressive mood swings, or was it him? Was it getting rid of you that brought me back to happiness and health, or did getting rid of him do that alone? Did they come hand in hand, would I never have had one without the other?
I have some thank yous, some apologies, and some questions. First of all thank you for not letting me become a teen mum. You did it! You are that bitch!
Thank you for giving me such a regular cycle that I literally knew it down to the hour.
Thank you for being coated and tasting like tic tacs before the minty bit.
Sorry I forgot you sometimes. It wasn’t you, it was me. But did you really have to make your wrath SO glaringly apparent??? looking back, that was really uncalled for and I think you should be sorry. The leaflet said I had a 12 hour window, and you gave me 5. And that’s me being generous.
Sorry for how often I lost you as well. Again, that’s me not you.
You weren’t so bad. Maybe we’ll see each other again. Stay in touch x
Dear mood swings,
I understand that during the day I’m all over the place and just randomly crying for absolutely no reason at all. I get it, but could I at least sleep without the sudden mood shifts?
I didn’t think that waking up from being so ungodly annoyed was even possible. But apparently that’s a thing now. Thank goodness I was able to make myself punch the pillows instead of the wall like my asleep mind wanted to.
Till we swing again, Jenna
Dear Hormones,
Sort yourselves out.
I have to take synthetic progesterone (norethisterone) three times a day, Without it, I suffered with hormonal controlled anxiety, PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder) and my vagina didn’t self-lubricate. This lead to traumatic teenage years, painful and unpleasant sexual experiences.
My periods were so heavy and painful that I also take tranexamic acid six (six!) times a day on my period days. Six pills a day for four days a month. The other days, a blessed only three. But the cause of these? Always those pesky hormones.
So yes. Please do us all a favour and sort yourselves out – this is getting expensive!
Love/hate,
Daisy
Dear Turner Syndrome,
We have been together since before I was born and I have known your name since I was able to understand you were that thing that made me different. You made me self-conscious in school, because no one had heard of you before…well, until high school biology I suppose. You were the reason I visited an endocrinologist so often, and because of you I have been on various hormones since about age 10. First growth hormone to add height, and then estrogen, finally onto the combination birth control pill (the one I still take to this day). I like to see the humour and shades of gray in life, and the idea of being an infertile woman who takes “birth control” certainly has its irony. But of course, they are just female hormones my body does not produce on its own. Without them, I would be at risk of osteoporosis, and perhaps other issues like heart disease. So taking those pills daily (with breaks of about a week every couple months) has become second nature after almost twenty years.
I`m not bitter, TS, I think you still have a lot to teach me. You make me wonder what it would be like to have a body that produced these hormones on its own, that started menstruating-really menstruating, not just withdrawal bleeding from a drop in estrogen and progesterone.- signalling a possibility of creating life. Even though I am still working on my self esteem, I think we`ll make it through this. After all, we have come this far.
-Kate
Oh man.
Dear Reproductive System in Your Entirety,
I can’t believe how strong you are. Nobody can tell you what to do. Three different types of birth control pills, better diet and exercise, dramatically worse diet and exercise? Weight loss, weight gain, stress, cross-country moves? You don’t care. I’m going to get bad PMS symptoms whenever you feel like it. We’re going to have ovarian cysts. What’s a regular period? I don’t know, after 25 years on this planet. Is vaginal pain even a common PMS symptom? Doesn’t matter, you’re in charge.
One day I aspire to be as strong as you, reproductive system, so I too can do whatever I want.
Dear Vaginismus,
We have faced so much together, a wonderful nurse that changed my life for the better, and a doctor that had absolutely no clue. Now that I understand you, I’m able to heal you.
Dear Hannah.
I have such a lot I would love to tell about my Vaginismus which I think would help a lot of girls.
Do you just need short, snappy posts, or would I be able to send you something a bit longer?
A love letter to the first period I have had in two years,
I cried when I saw you. Fat happy tears. That small dark stain in my underwear in a toilet stall in the middle of my working day. It has been years since I saw you, but there was no need to get re-acquainted. I remembered you like it was only yesterday; as easy as breathing. I always complained about you before, when I was young and you used to surprise me at birthday parties, on dates, during class. I never knew how strongly I would feel your absence until you disappeared and I began to doubt you ever existed. I began to doubt my body’s biology, began to hate my own organs for refusing to work. After that last injection, I waited patiently for you to emerge. Took every stomach pain for a sign of your arrival. Cried at adverts for menstrual cups because I was unsure if you would ever come back. You were not just a brilliant flag of ‘hey, you’re not pregnant!’ joy, but of the quiet peace of a healthy womb. I was forced to take contraception for so long by aggressive men and diseased organs that I was unsure if you stopped because I was broken, too fat, too ill, too unhappy, or because of the overabundance of hormones I fed into my body to restrain you. You came back to me a month ago. I told everyone I could find. I purchased six boxes of tampons. I downloaded a period tracker app. I smiled even when you tore at my stomach with cramp. I never knew I would be so happy at your return, at seeing a small stain in my underwear, red as a cranberry, a tiny heart. Thank you for reminding me that my body loves me, even when I cannot love it back.
Dear PMDD,
Was it you or was i being dramatic, clueless or silly? I could never know as the diagnosis never came through instead I chose the pill rather than dealing with you but to this day I wonder if it was you who sent my emotions into overdrive. Each month for two weeks my mind felt blurred and fogged, this had been this way for a while now. At first, I blamed my mind but then came the cramps and the heavy bleeding arrived and i started to identify the culprit. So i used avoidance as my weapon and went on Lucette, the combined pill. The paranoia of blood clots and side effects became worth it after i felt much clearer in the mind, i felt in control. It could all be placebo or you could be real. The one thing i miss about you is being able to blame my mental and emotional behavior on you.
Dear my boobs,
You are small but I still love you.
Also, left boob, try not to get jealous of the bigger right boob. Small things are cute.
Love Poppy
Dear my nowadays totally fine period..
We began early you and I, at 10 years of age I was the first in my class and thus the educator to all female fourth graders. The first 3 years, you were a total bitch. You bled straight through everything EVERYTHING that I put on. I could put 2 Always Night pads in my underwear but still you would slip through, forcing me to go home in the middle of class, wiping of my stool with shirt around my waist. It was horrible, I was being mocked because of my period and when other girls begun to have it and didn’t have them as forcefully as mine I would be looked at as the teacher turned into a freak. I never told my mother anything, just soaked my underwear, trousers and bed linen in cold water. But as you and I turned 13 and we went on to not having so much blood coming at once and at such a weird interval (normal was for me 7-8 days of constant bleeding and then waiting two months for it to arrive once more) and instead we got the cramps from hell.
I thought the cramps was something that you were supposed to live with since my mother never taught me about the pill and the effects it could have. I thought that to have cramps that made you vomit and faint was normal and never said anything to anyone. To shove a tampon up there together with cramps was the most horrible thing I could do but I did it anyways since having a pad was becoming weird and old-lady-like when you went to a middle school (age 13-15) in Sweden in the early 2010’s. We continued these awful cramps until one day, one and a half year into high school and a fainting in the girls’ bathroom, I eventually made a friend who were on the pill Prionelle and told me all about it. I was superphsyked and I went straight to a private practice that she’d recommended who told me that my cramps were “normal” per se, but that I should not have had to deal with that much pain. They took really good care of me, making me go to check-ups once a year and I felt that I could actually take care of you.
Prionelle was my life saver, never had my period been so easy. I knew when it was to come and NO PAINS, at all. I think both you and I were happy that we didn’t need to puke everytime we pushed in a tampon either.
Sometimes I have wondered whether or not I should go off the pill, go hormone free and see how I do but I am afraid that you would just become a bitch again and make me bleed all over the pavement once more (that was a scary one, still have a scar in my eyebrow from that). So I have decided not to do it, since the positive effects from you and me on Prionelle are too damn good,
To be able to stop you from coming when I had a severe herpes infection down there was a dream since I layed for 3 weeks in high fever and pains from blisters that made me unable to walk. I don’t know what I’d done if you’d have insisted on coming anyways when that happened.. Because at first the doctors did not believe it was herpes. I was having severe pain and fever but the blisters did not show up until a week afterwards giving me even more pain down there. They prescribed antibiotics but when it all got worse and I went to my private practice in desperation, they immediately saw it was herpes and prescribed what I needed. The reason for everyone hesitating at first, even I, was because I’ve only ever had 2 sexual partners, both being virgins at the time. But then the improbable thing with oral sex and it being transmitted from mouth to sexual organs was the culprit. So just a warning to everyone out there. Be aware of sores on the mouth as well when someone goes down under.
And another happiness found was of course the menstrual cup, my swedish one from Menskoppen.se, which I love to death. I can’t exercise with you (giving me an excuse not to do it, thank you) but the comfort you give a very forgetful soul is bliss. Those desperate times asking strangers for a tampon or a pad are past, this beauty is the ultimate soul mate to my vagina. I had to cut off the stem quite a bit (all of it) since it stuck out so much, which is totally normal! I didn’t know it was normal but then I spoke to my midwife at the practice and she said that I was low in there (or something, the panic then makes it blurry) which is normal and not a problem. Blessed be my midwife for existing in my life for more than 4 years.
But now, period, I have praised you enough for standing by me all of these 12 years, and I think we’re pretty much done here. We are both respectful towards each other nowadays which I am very grateful for.
So thank you, for always coming when you should and for not giving me them cramps anymore.
Dear Menstrual Cup,
we had a rough start, didn’t we? For the longest time I didn’t even know you existed. For so many years I was using tampons and pads together, changing every few hours and still bleeding through every single pair of pants, undies, skirts, dresses, coats, long shirts… socks… But then you came along, in the depth of the all-knowing internet I found out about you! And as I had hoped, you saved me! At first though, you were playing hard to get, but we got to know each other and so much has changed. I can go swimming and running, I can do any sport I want and I haven’t ruined any bedsheets in ages. But the most important thing: I got my confidence back. And yes you leak sometimes, but guess what: I don’t even care anymore. So what if I have bloodstains? Everyone probably has some from somewhere, it happens, we will survive, nobody cares.
Thank you so much for that! I just wish we had met earlier.
Dear self-determination,
you are the reason why I´ve been happily sharing my uterus with my copper coil for two years now. But from the start….
When I first started with contraception I was 17 and went on the pill … as you do. This constellation did not work out for me. Although I didn´t gain weight or experienced any other visible side effects, I still suffered. I was very weepy and melancholic, but the worst thing was loosing my libido COMPLETELY. I tried a few different brands of the combined pill, but that didn´t change anything. Plus I started to learn about all the damage the pill does to your body (just google it, but be warned). My gynecologist wasn´t helping me at all with finding out about alternatives. She just told me that condoms weren´t safe enough and that the coil can only be used by women who have already given birth. So I turned towards trusty Youtube and educated myself on that topic. It´s crazy how many (natural) options there are out there no doctor will ever tell you about. Why? Because they make the most money by prescribing you the pill. At least that´s how it works in Germany.
I was full of hope when I found out about GYNEFIX (a small copper chain), which is advertised as the perfect solution for young women like me. So I took the train to a gynecologist in a different town, who had gone through the special training for the copper chain. Turned out it doesn´t work with my thin uterine wall (common for young women btw). I was devastated and even cried on my way home (weepy-I told you). But I wasn´t willing to give in and stay on the pill. I regained my hope when I watched a video on Youtube by a girl with the same history as me. She had the copper coil and freed me of the belief, that it only works with older women by explaining where this myth stems from.
When the copper coil was invented, it was tested on american prostitutes. Some of them became infertile, because they catched sexual diseases, which then travelled up the little strings of the coil into the uterus and caused damage there. That´s why they only do it on mothers, cause it frankly wouldn´t be so bad if they got infertile, when they already have children. Since a lot of girls don´t have the (unprotected) sex life of those prostitutes, we can easily ignore this risk.
So after one year on the pill I asked my regular gynecologist for the copper coil. Believe me when I say, that I really had to push this decision through with her. Thinking back, I see it as a really empowering experience for me and I´m actually proud of my younger self.
The moment when she inserted the coil was painful, but over quick, although I strongly advise anyone to eat well beforehands, take a coke with you and drink ist straight afterwards, get someone to drive you home and chill on the couch for the rest of the day. I experienced spotting for the first few months and major hair loss after a year (a sign of the artificial hormones leaving my body). Since then everything is perfecty fine. I have one more year left with my coil and I plan on getting it again.
My conclusion: research and find your perfect contraception method, then find a doctor who will work with your decision and don´t compromise on your wellbeing! Lots of love from Germany.
Dear PO Pill,
I never intended to be paired with you. Your combined mate was doing me just fine, stopping pregnancy and all that, but after mum got breast cancer it seemed like a sensible idea to go along with the advice to switch to you and what a treat you were! No periods! Hurrah! No more blood and saving me money on sanitary products, whats not to love!
We have been together now for almost 3 years. but I have been having doubts for almost two. At first I thought it was me not you.
The nasty cysts on my back and cheeks came from nowhere and man have they been painful. They also made me unusually aware of the lack of tops I owned that covered my shoulders and for the first time in my life I let my appearance stop being wearing what I wanted. I gave antibiotics a go on doctors orders but to no avail. Now instead of bloody sheets from my vajay, they’re bloody from my back.
There was never any suggestion that you could in fact be the cause. I still don’t know if you are but time scales suggest you might be to blame.
Now I am having a dilemma. Do I give you up for a while? Go natural, let the body do its thing? Or do I stick by you and keep seeking treatment for the acne? Every day I change my mind on which way I should go and now the added fun of a new relationship. Do I stay extra safe from babies with no restrictions of periods or condoms or do I try get clear skin and have a period for the first time in 3 years? I just can’t decide. Why does the thought of a period which had minimal impact on my life for 10 years now bother me so much?
Dear period,
thank you. Thank you for being so nice to me and not giving me cramps every month. Thank you for giving me a light flow every month. And most of all thank you for making me comfortable with my body.
Because of you I now know and am still exploring my sexual plesures. I am still curious about my body and you, my dear period, helped me to not be scared of exploring.
You can be a bit annoying sometimes but I am lucky to have you. You’re a part of my woman identity and you bring out the female in me.
With the help of my trusty menstrual cup I can live freely even when I’m on my period.
I should be more thankful for that as most women aren’t as lucky as I am.
Thank you to all periods for connecting all women eventhough they can be a pain in the a** sometimes.
Love,
Nika
Dear.. brain? I suppose? (where is sexuality even located?)
You definitely agree with my physical body. I’m a cis-man, that one’s sure. Who am I attracted to, though? Nobody (yet)? Maybe later? Am I a late bloomer? Then how come I was the first of my class to get a growth spurt, lower voice and hair basically everywhere? Sure, you picked out some girls that were supposedly my secret crushes at times. Even though we both (or I alone, since you’re my brain) knew it was just pretending. Just in case somebody asked, you know.
Luckily you’re very good at being rational, so somewhere before my twenties I realized I’m not a late bloomer. I’m not blooming. Ever. Heck, I think I’m not even a flower. (Okay, I’m pretty sure I’m not literally a flower, but you get what I mean. Because you’re me)
So should I start telling people? Do I pick a label? I mean, I saw that Wikipedia page on asexuality somewhere when I was 15. You didn’t want to rush things and accept that as my label just yet.. Even though you kept making me think about it every time I heard somebody else go through something I pretty much knew I would never go through. Probably. Right? The future hasn’t happened yet, I know, but some things you just know.
Speaking of other people. They’re fascinating. I know. Most of the things they go through in the realm of sex will never happen to me. And I don’t care. But they’re still interesting existing people. Besides, it’s like a hidden world that people don’t often talk about that freely. So I’m very thankful for people that do share their experiences. Even though it’s totally useless information to me. I mean, practically. I know I would share more about myself if I could. Which I’m kinda doing right now? Anonymously?
Sorry if I’m confusing you, but hey, you’re doing that to yourself! Right, brain? Well, no, I mean, it’s like..
You can’t just choose your sexuality, of course. It does feel good to just call myself asexual already, because that takes away all the confusion and makes me seem confident in who I am. And we didn’t even discuss the fact that I’m not completely devoid of feeling attraction. Just, where exactly is the line between thinking someone looks beautiful or sexy? In most cases I can tell the difference. Sometimes you even make me want to stare at someone in public. (Rude.). Gender doesn’t play a role there. But that doesn’t mean I’m bi, just, only a little.. Or does it?
I mean, you once made whole diagrams in the air of how people’s sexuality, romanticism and gender-orientation worked. But that soon took more than 3 dimensions.. Which isn’t something you can’t handle, but wasn’t it going a little far? Sure, maybe you might be able to define every single person in an incredibly detailed model. But what’s the point of that? Could anyone really use that? And don’t forget time is a dimension too.
So we figured it out now right? Right? I don’t want to date anyone or ever have sex. Even though you almost made me ask that girl out. Who was she again, though? Apparently you cared enough to break that ‘rule’, but you didn’t care enough to remember who she actually was?
Anyways, you’re rambling. Now. Focus. Watch the rest of the youtube video already..
Dear the pill(s)
Why can’t you work for me without sending me crazy? You give me mood swings beyond a joke, panic attacks over everyday things and I just can’t win with you, everything was wonderful the first 4 to 5 months and then boom have some serious mental problems just for fun, so it was bye bye pill for me and back to the joys that are irregular periods and the guessing game that that brings
Your sincerely
Rachel (who is now hunting for a non hormonal long acting contraceptive)
Dear Ectropion, Dear Vaginismus,
Wow! You really screwed me up. Let’s start from the beginning then, shall we?
I got my period normally when I was about 13. My family made it a big deal for me and we celebrated me becoming a woman by having my choice of takeaway, my choice of film and I was bought my first bunch of flowers. It was really special.
After about 4 years the period pain I was experiencing was getting intense and after a visit to my GP, I went on the pill (microgynon) with my mum’s consent. I was also secretly glad that I’d be covered when I FINALLY got a boyfriend. Microgynon worked really well for me and I was happy on it.
Two years later, I was about to go to uni and was worried about forgetting to take the pill so decided, with my mum’s help, to get the implant. Little did I know what consequences that decision would have …
By this time I did have a boyfriend and we were having sex and our relationship was good until one evening, during the act, I started to bleed. I knew I wasn’t due on but thought it might just be my period. When this started happening regularly and I experienced pain as well as bleeding I knew it was time to go to the uni doctors.
After much tooing and froing I was examined (AGAIN) and diagnosed as having an ectropion, or cyst on my cervix – caused by the implant and when I was having sex my partner’s penis was rubbing against it and causing it to bleed. I had the ectropion cauterized and the implant removed.
I say I had it cauterized and have glanced over the repeated examinations but at the time these were really mortifying for me – especially when nothing happened as a result of them and I was just passed on to other medical professionals – they felt pointless and intrusive. I felt vulnerable and alone at uni and it was a very intimate part of me that I felt was going very wrong. I didn’t feel like I could talk about it openly.
That being said, I went back to my ‘normal’ life and with the help and reassurance of my partner resumed my sex life. That was until, 6 months later, the ectropion was back. NOW it felt like a big deal and I had to go through all that again! Once again, after much tooing and froing I had it cauterized for the second time.
At this point, I was experiencing pain every time I had sex and was frightened that the blood would come back again. Understandably I was often not in the mood and found excuses not to have sex. Thankfully, I have a wonderful partner who supported me and helped me and I eventually agreed to go back to the GP.
This time I was diagnosed with Vaginismus. I went to therapy for about 6 months but some of the things that I was being told and advised to do just didn’t sit right with me. At first, I felt like I had clicked with my therapist but due to my personal circumstances, moving house, lack of transport and ability to get time off from work I was discharged and me relationship went on pretty much without any sex – much to the disappointment of my partner. At this point, I had 0 interest in sex but I knew if I wanted both of us to be happy in our relationship I had to try.
A year later, I was now living with my partner, I’d passed my driving test and my circumstances had improved. I was ready to try again with a new therapist.
That was about a year ago and at my last session with my therapist, I was able to tell her that my partner and I had managed to have sex – it was enjoyable, and I had 0 pain. This is the first time I’ve been able to have sex with my partner in about … three years and in about seven years without pain. My partner and I still have work to do but soon we’ll be left to experiment with our sex life for 6 months before a final check in to see how we’re getting on.
While I’m no longer 100% confident in bed and I wouldn’t say I match my partner’s sex drive I am looking forward to getting back on track and not having to worry about it anymore.
Dear Ectropion, Dear Vaginismus, I can’t tell you what an effect you’ve had on me, my body, my life, my mental health, my partner, my relationship … but you did not win. My body is my own and it works to protect me. My experiences have made me a stronger person and my partner and I are closer as a result. We have learned that sex is only one part of love and my nine-year relationship has triumphed despite you!
I will keep fighting, I will keep relaxing and I will keep reassuring myself that I can be a beautiful, sexual woman and I am not broken because of the effect you’ve had on me.
Dear Ectropion, Dear Vaginismus,
Fuck you! Because now, he can finally fuck me!
Dear my Hemi-Uteri,
I never knew I was born with you, although my mom did. I had so many surgeries when I was born my doctors corrected it so I didn’t have any complications with my period when I got it. If middle schoolers had proper period and sex education I likely would have realized something was different about me. Once my mom got a new style of tampons (the were regular length and I had run out of my short kind) and I tried to put one in but had to choose a side of my vagina so I asked my mom and she started to get really awkward and then proceeded to explain to me what I had was due to my multitude of birth defects I also had an appendix that was split in half, like my uterus. So although I produce eggs I will likely never be able to carry a child as it would miscarry. I was born without a colon and had an ostomy bag for quite some time and my doctors don’t yet know if it’s reversal will cause any additional complications if I decided I wanted to have a surrogate but I have wanted to adopt ever since I was little.
Dear Microgynon 30,
It’s coming up to four years with you now and I am eternally grateful to you for working so so well! I have a lot of friends who had to try a lot of different pills until they got it right, but I have never had any issues with you from the moment I started taking you. Even during times when I may not have been so careful, taken you at odd times of day, and been sick, you have always stuck by me and prevented me from getting pregnant. You have also made my periods so predictable and regular, and that is such a blessing. No more worrying or uncertainty, I know exactly when I will get it each month and can plan accordingly, and it is all down to you. Thank you so much, here’s to many more years together,
Love, Naomi
Dear Menstrual Cup,
Dear god I love you but, on my period, at 3am on a moving train in India, when I have the shits, you’re the slipperiest fucker I’ve ever held, Thanks,
Maz
Dear my shit,
I don’t know why you feel like the first couple days of my period is the best time to visit two or three times a day. And how you love to give me cramps. And how I’ll try to relieve them by going to the toilet but find that you’ve given me constipation – gotta love you!
Dear my periods,
Thanks for sorting yourself out. I know we got off to a bit of a rocky start with the irregularity and being 7-days-long and making me nauseous/feverish from the cramps. I was pretty ashamed of you too – like how I never told anyone when I got my first period and soaked it up with toilet paper in my underwear. But I think we’ve come to a good place now together. 3-4 days works great for me, sure there’s some PMS but the cramps and pain are way way better. The weirdly long cycle about every year or two is strange and keeps me on my toes, but you’re not so bad.
Keep on bleeding,
Vicky
Dear my menstrual cup,
You’re the best thing to ever happen to my periods. I’m sorry I occasionally slip up and resort to a tampon when I can’t get you to sit right or the cramps are too bad, but know you’re always my preferred and favourite choice. I’m so proud of you that I’ve raved about you to many people (often guys) when drunk and tried to convince them to try you too. I love that you’re easy to carry around, fine to remove even if empty, that the blood doesn’t get all gross and dried up, and that I actually get to look at my blood and what my body’s doing! Thanks for all that, and I hope we stick together until the end of my periods!
Love,
Vicky
Dear period,
Since 2009 you have caused me so much pain … between the cramps and the back pain and the heavy bleeding… you were the reason I had to go on the pill at such a young age.
We fought my doctor at the time for this.
The pill seemed to work but it added 10kg to my body in just 12 months, so thank you again period for adding to my deflated teenage self esteem. And thus we tried another pill. It seemed to help… you became a regular period… you did hurt as much and your bleeding seemed more normal. Until a couple of years later when I had to be prescribed Naproxen as an anti inflammatory to help the pain.
Fast forward to my first job… the day I had to stop cleaning the animals out one day in 2014 because I felt I was going to vomit from the pain… Period… this was the day I finally decided what I felt wasn’t normal.
My doctor sent me for an ultrasound and for the first time they struggled to find my left ovary. It’s there… just hidden.
Then… nothing. A mere ‘it came back fine we will see you in 6 months’. But the pain was now… so i changed doctors. He is amazing and we went through the necessary steps before being referred to a specialist. Who was not so amazing…
I fought the public health system in our tiny little country and was told it was in my head. They took months to get an ultrasound sorted and after that… 9 months of silence until we has to be re-referred and then fight not to have the same specialist who has already ruined many other women’s lives.
Meanwhile we’ve been sorting anal fissures which have caused me pain for 3 years… til one day the amazing surgeon and I talked about you my dear period… and he referred me to a private specialist. Thank God for health insurance.
This woman listened to every word I said and sent me for my third ultrasound; a diagnosis… adenomyosis. And for the 3rd time my left ovary was hard find… upon further inspection it was noted that my left ovary is set back into my pelvis a little more than it should be. A non specific symptom of a disease we all thought I had.
And on Monday September 17th 2018 I had my first laparoscopy. Dear period .. we discovered endometriosis. Stage 1. Though she only found 4 lesions she knows this was causing all of my pain for the last 9 almost 10 years.
Now period, we have the mirena coil. Asleep when it was inserted I woke up to some pretty bad period pains… and that’s saying something. But if I persevere for 3 or 4 months… she thinks I’ll be a whole new person.
Dear period…. thank you for making me push for a diagnosis many woman struggle to get… I don’t want to think about how much worse you could have made things if I hadn’t pushed harder to be listened to.
1 in 5 woman in our country have what we have, period. And I am a 1 in 5 with an answer
Dear Binder,
Thank you for giving me a chance to experiment with my gender expression. I bought you when I was 17, just coming to terms with my gender identity and trying to figure out what made me comfortable. I was so excited when you came in the mail, and I wore you almost every day for a month. Over the next year I gradually wore you less and less, I just realized I like my body better without you. I’m sorry I don’t wear you anymore. I’ll never forget you, not only because you permanently changed the shape of my breasts (Don’t worry, detached mammary glands just make my body more fun! No regrets!), but because you taught me a valuable lesson: not everyone’s transition looks the same. I shouldn’t wear you just because that’s what all the other trans guys do. I get to decide what a boy looks like, and for me that includes having boobs! And I look cute as hell, if I do say so myself.
Thank you for your service,
Basil
Dear my hormones, from when my period started age 12 I had bad PMS, crying, anger, a complete mess. The joke of my friends almost. When I was 15 I went on the pill so I would PMS in GCSEs and to stop my incredibly heavy & painful period. I was so happy to stop my periods but the hormones were something else, all of a sudden I hit an emotional flat line, I didn’t feel like me anymore. I’d had a boyfriend for over a year and I suddenly didn’t find him at all appealing anymore, everyone noticed the chance in me but I didn’t want to come off the pill because I couldn’t risk periods again. After 6 months I started to regain emotions and years later I think I my emotions are fairly normal but to be honest I don’t know, my fear now is what emotions my hormones would cause if I were to come off the pill. I’m scared to lose all emotions again. I love the pill & the control it gives me over my body, the idea of not being on it still terrifies me.
Dear period,
why can’t we go back to how things where between us, after the rough teenage years? I didn’t appreciate feeling like a serial killer was going to town on me and carving my organs out from the inside out, but when I got older and found natural remedies with high dosages of specialised magnesium (it worked for me thankfully! I was so glad not to have to gobble down painkilers or suffer anymore) things mellowed out between us.
I inherited my mum’s prolonged cycle, which meant we only got to see each other every 11 weeks. Fine by me! You insisted on staying for a whole week to make up for the long time we hadn’t seen each other, but that was a good compromise, especially after I got the pain that came with you under control.
Years later I discovered menstrual cups and we were both so happy with it and it worked for us perfectly almost from the get go! Don’t you remember how good that was? But now? Why did you have to go and ruin it all?
You just wouldn’t leave, I bled for over a month and finally went to my gynaecologist and she gave me meds that should block you for one month, so you could make a regular return after it. See, I wasn’t being rude, I just wanted to stick to a schedule! But nooooooo, the meds didn’t phase you one bit. You still stayed, thoough the meds made you weaker. And after the month I was suppposed to take them? You got your revange. I call it the day the tsnunami hit, or should I say days?! Nothing could stop you, it was like you were the ultimate boss fight. Forgot my menstrual cup, I bought tampons meant for women who had reccently given birth, doubled up with the thickets pads I could find and still had to switch all that out AT LEAST every hour. Even at night you would wake me up every 1-2 hours. Luckily I still studied at university and could stay at home for those days, because I could absolutely forget about being at home.
And do you remember what happened next? You do?!
I went to the gynaecologist again, because obviously the meds didn’t help. She acted like it was a surprise to see me (really??!) and asked me what she was supposed to do. I don’t know, DO HER FUCKING JOB???! She said she could prescribe the meds again, but why bother if they didn’t help the first time? Just fucking try a second time? She got very condensing afterwards and told me it was probably hormone imbalance because I was too fat anyway and should loose weight. I started to cry and she was acting all surprised WHY I could possibly cry about that. I dunno, because I didn’t want to bleed every. fucking. day?!! If I really wanted I could take some additional tests my doctor offered, but I was so mad and hurt by her at this point that I just left. I haven’t gotten up the courage to go and find a new doctor since and YOU! You never left my side since, appart from the two weeks in summer and autumn. That’s not how it’s supposed to work, you know period? You aren’t supposed to make me bleed every single day, except for one month out of the year (split into two weeks respectly)
Period, I’m so sick of bleeding every fucking single day for over a year straight and I’m so mad at myself that I’m just too scared to go to another doctor and be not treated and offered real help again… I even lost weight since that “advice” and it didn’t fucking help!!! Please, fix yourself period and just go back to how things were in better times.
Yours,
Amy
Dear libido,
Where the f**k did you go?? We were having such a great time and then you just disappear. My boyfriend and I haven’t had sex in months and I can tell it affects him but I am just never in the mood. Just last year we were having sex several times a day, and now I’m lucky if I want to do it every month. Seriously, what changed? I’ve been on the same pill for years and have had no negative side effects so it can’t be that. I’m definitely still attracted to my boyfriend so it can’t be that. I just can’t pinpoint anything that might have made you want to leave. And it’s not that I don’t want to have sex, I really do, but whenever it comes down to the moment, I just can’t get aroused or excited enough to go through with it. Please, please, come back, I really do miss you.
Love, Naomi
Dear Periods,
I kind of miss you.
Sure, don’t get me wrong not having you around as much has saved me money stocking up on tampons, pads etc. and yeah I guess you were pretty inconvenient what with the leaking onto my underwear/ jeans every month without fail and making me have an emotional breakdown when there wasn’t anything decent enough for me to eat for dinner, but you were around since I was 11 and have been every month until two years ago when I went on contraception. How am I meant to tell if I’m healthy? How am I meant to check if I’m getting enough iron? How am I meant to be reassured that I’m definitely, DEFINITELY not pregnant? I mean sure you kind of appear now and again with a little bit of blood, and various other symptoms, but I miss knowing when you were going to be there every month. now you just show up randomly and I need to I need to make emergency trips to the bathroom. Rather than getting cramp, sore boobs and a little cranky and then going “well I know who’s stopping by tomorrow, better keep a pad in my pocket.” now it’s doing my own thing and then ‘feeling’ something down there, going to the bathroom and yep – that’s blood, let’s hope I have an emergency supply somewhere. At least back then you had scheduled appointments now it’s like when you appear I don’t even remember how to deal with you. Back then it was the same old routine, now it’s the frigin’ lottery of symptoms and when they show and relearning how to use applicator tampons. I write this to you now even though you are right here visiting me this very moment, but when will you leave? When will you next return? Next week? Next month? Christmas? My birthday? WHO KNOWS! Will you just bring blood or will you decide to bring your other companions such as cramp, sore boobs, indigestion, mood swings, will you bring new friends I have yet to meet?
I guess I miss the old days when I knew what to expect from you.
Sincerely,
Your old friend,
R -x
Dear Anxiety,
Why? There are △⃒⃘lways ups and downs with you, and that’s okay but….
The fact that you decide to spike up, intensify and appear in all your glory like clockwork before my period Pretty much every month is exhausting.
You make my panic and compulsions worse by a mile and make me angry and frustrated at myself and the world the one week in the month I could probably do without you.
It’s not to say you are exclusive or reliable to this every month, you tend to appear whenever you like really. But you do like to kick a lady when shes already pms-ing
I don’t know. Nothing softens you, nothing makes you go away and I don’t quite know what or how you would like to handle the situation. Your most likely induced by hormonal changes that I don’t quite understand or maybe it’s all in my head?
Nevertheless please chill the fluff out, it would be much appreciated! Cheers!
Dear my Ovaries,
Your flow was so regular until I discovered I would be moving across the country. Since then you have only shown up every so often. When you do show up you cause me a lot of pain and just aren’t very nice. It has only been this year that you have been diagnosed with PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome). I have started taking Diaformin to try and calm you down and to also help me lose weight as you have made it hard for me to lose the weight you gave me.
Here’s to a better cycle!
From Jess
Dear my pill,
You’ve made my life livable, before you came periods were something to be survived- not coped with. Before I had you I spent two out of every four weeks feeling horrible. I had a week of PMS where I felt numb for days at a time then sudden single hours of my most extreme sadness or anxiety. By day 5 I started to feel dizzy, all my joints ached, my body felt like it was failing me. Then came my bleeding and I remembered then that this feeling would be over eventually. I bled heavily before I had you – 6 months later and I’m still trying to get my iron count up. I had to change a pad every hour or two so I often doubled up pads and tampons, then later my mooncup. I sometimes bought incontinence pads for sleep because they could hold more – doubled up with my cup I could get a night without leaks. I wouldn’t be able to move on the first day – I didn’t have pain, just full body exhaustion and this feeling like Joy wasn’t an option that day. The second to fifth days of bleeding were generally me trying to function but being mostly tired and unavailable. Just as the blood loss tailed off on day 6 my mood dropped; I spent hours wandering round supermarkets feeling uninspired because no food would bring me any Joy. It felt like a trapdoor opened in my stomach and my mood fell down it, limitless. I felt a sharp pain as I hit a scab on the back of my heel, it was the only proof I had that I could feel something that wasn’t sad or tired.
I went to speak to my GP. I got my first pill, my first taste of stability. It was amazing. I had a maximum of 1 day with a poor mood, and it always felt like it had limits. I bled half as heavily for half as many days. But at my three month check up my blood pressure was high. I was no longer eligible for the combined pill. I was terrified. Life pre-pill had been so hard. I loved the stability and consistency. I was put on the Progesterone only pill, with no knowledge of how I would respond to you. Thankfully, you and me get along really well. I had one uneventful period when we first met, now I’m period free. I have difficult times but I’ve not felt my chest open in three months. I just picked up a year worth of you – we’re going to keep being great together. I’m so happy to be here and be mostly stable, and be getting along with my body.
Thank you
Alice (She/Her)
Dear IUDs,
I thought I was so pure getting a copper IUD, thinking that no hormones would be amazing and I’d be all ‘real’ with my cycles. The inflammation it caused in my uterus led to the most severe periods… taking time off work, menstrual cups filling up within an hour, lasting over a week. But I stayed strong and continued. Then I got pregnant. With twins. At the dating scan they saw that you were sitting perfectly in place, with two embryo’s above. “Unlucky”. “Very rare”. It happened anyway. I terminated the pregnancy. I’m so sad about it. But I didn’t want an already high risk pregnancy to be coupled with the thought of ‘Will the IUD create problems?” as I was assured the chance was very high. Copper is toxic to human life, after all and it is a foreign object in a uterus that would become crowded very quickly. In place of my copper IUD, I was inserted with the Mirena… hormone filled. No purity now. One pregnancy, no babies, and hormones raging through me. Though it hasn’t been bad. My periods are fantastic if I’m being honest. But when I asked my gyno if it was more effective, he said no. He just said I was unlucky. Now I just have trust issues.
Anonymous
Dear period-proof underwear,
Before you arrived in my life, the period time every month for the past ten years had been a moment I detested – even making me wondering what were the positive aspects of being a woman (especially when you don’t plan on having kids).
I have you in my like for a few months now. And I am glad I don’t have to put some kind of paper against my private parts, or even worse something inside that can cause me irreversible injuries or even death. I could not imagine before that a simple piece of fabric could have this effect on me, making me feel as this day was the same as any.
It might be the novelty of you coming into my life, but for once in my life I have almost have been looking forward to having my period.
So thank you again.
Dear reliable period,
On the pill I knew when you would arrive. Every month the same day almost down to the same hour you always arrived. I did not have to carry an emergency bag filled with a variety of period products. I could plan vacations around you. After 10+ years I decided I needed a change. What would life be like without periods? Could anouther form of contraceptive work better for me? Will I not have to deal with the judgement from walk-in clinic doctors who don’t like the birth control pill I’m currently on? What am I like as an adult not on the pill? I made the brave step to try something new. So far the IUD and I have mixed feelings about each other. He was incredibly painful going in (having never had children it was the first time I thought “this is probably what a contraction feels like”) and now I’m faced with the unknown. How will me body react to this foreign object? Will I stop bleeding all together or will my periods be worse then before? Is it just going to pop out of me one day or worse break my lining and cause far more damage than the pill ever did? Will my partner feel the strings and will they have an opinion about the contraception I’ve chosen? In the face of so many unknowns I think I miss you reliable period.
Dear my cramps,
You are awful! Just terrible! You are the worst pain I have ever experienced. I grew up knowing when a woman gets her period there would be pain however what they don’t teach you is how much pain to expect. I grew up thinking that excruciating pain was normal and that I just ‘had to deal with it because I’m a woman’. Over time Cramps, you became so bad that I would vomit and pass out because the pain was so bad and I ended up spending time in hospital.
After five years of extreme pain every month that only morpheme and codiene could relieve I now know Cramps it wasn’t just you it was endometriosis too.
Dear hormones,
Fuck you.
Sincerely,
One PMSing gal
Dear menstrual cup,
I was scared of you at first. Intrigued and excited but scared all the same. I didn’t know anyone else who had used you, but I decided to bite the bullet and go for it. As most people find, I too, struggled at first. I fumbled to find the best way to insert you, and so you hurt me occasionally. But you really came through for me, and now it is second nature to use you, you don’t hurt at all and are so quick and easy. I was only young and you helped me explore my body and become comfortable with myself and my period. You have helped me reduce my plastic waste, you have saved me money, you have made me feel much more confident when I’m on my period. Thanks to you I no longer have that awful feeling of my blood dripping out of me when I stand up. I no longer feel like I have left a stain everywhere I sit. I no longer feel disgusted when going to the toilet. I no longer have to do the walk of shame to the main bin with all my nappy bags each containing sanitary towels. I don’t have to put up with the awful smell of nappy bags either, which I am forever grateful for. You have improved my confidence, my hygiene and my happiness.
Thank you menstrual cup, because of you I no longer dread my period.
Dear Contraceptive implant,
I think you’re a son of a bitch for giving me the worlds achiest and most bruised arm in the world for a week!
However, please have my thanks for giving me years of no periods, no period pain or unnecessary worry that I was pregnant!
I know condoms are needed to prevent STI’s and diseases but with a regular partner I could have unprotected sex knowing that my implant had my back!
Although, I still think you’re a sneaky little bitch because I occasionally get a tad bloated and experience a touch of discharge but it’s better than the pain of a full blown period!
So thanks..ish 😀
Dear PCOS,
Thank you very much for being a nightmare over the past two years, causing me pain and discomfort, when I would go to the doctors and they just won’t understand what exactly is going on with my body and not know what to do.
No confidence and body image issues thanks to you, leave me with anxiety that only a few can understand or are willing to understand.
But there will be a way to sort you one day lovely PCOS and then maybe one day I can become the person that I long to be!
Dear period cramps,
I am writing this huddled up to a hot water bottle trying to block you out. You’ve brought along your friends lower back pain, nausea and hormonal acne. As house guests go, you are definitely not perfect. I want you to leave almost immediately and have to do extra shopping to prepare for your arrival (although that is conveniently predictable, so thanks for that I guess). Waiting patiently for you to leave until next month. x
Dear uterus,
I hate you. you’ve been cruel to me since I was 11 years old. I always had bad period cramps but the worst came a few years ago. I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to move. I had to then force myself to run to the toilet as the pain was so bad I threw up. I then proceeded to go very light headed and almost passed out and my dad almost called an ambulance because he didn’t know what to do (it was slightly dramatic). my mom took care of me for the rest of the day.
I went to the doctors as soon as I could get in and they put me on the pill straight away due to the fabulous work of the NHS. this was amazing for me. it has made me less depressed, cured my acne, and made my periods (slightly) better. I continue to have bad cramps when I have my withdrawal bleed although they’re not as bad as they used to be (thank god) and I also have cramps sometimes even when I’m not bleeding so that’s fun. I’ve always been convinced that there is something more serious wrong with me than just bad cramps. hopefully I can figure it out eventually.
stop torturing my body pls uterus, thanks.
Dear cervex
Why must you be so low? I quite like tampons but I wish I could use heavier duty ones. I can only use the light ones as all the heavier ones tend to stick out which is quite uncomfortable (and can lead to leakage). Also, please don’t drop lower while one is in there. I know that cervexes moving is perfectly normal during a period but moving my tampon down into an uncomfortable position is realy uncalled for! It’s not like I’ve got cramps or bloating or an extra 2 kilos to deal with or anything.
On a more positive note you have made me more curious about my anatomy than any textbook and taught me to listen to what my body is saying, or else.
Dear Pink Neurofen (Neurofen Express? Maybe.)
Thank you for being an absolute god-send once a month. I have found nothing else that relieves my horrendous cramps quite like you. You make it so that I can actually function. I may not feel amazing, but I can be up and about and kicking ass thanks to you. (Although the copious amount of chocolate I consume doesn’t hurt either. It’s a cliché, but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.)
Mother Nature didn’t deal me an awful hand here, but without you I would be consumed by a world of pain (and sometimes vomit. But that could be the chocolate.)
If only you could fix the lovely acne that my period brings too, that would be perfection. (Maybe I should stop eating so much chocolate.)
Yours with love,
Katie
Dear period,
I may be able to say some nice stuff about you now you’ve got your act together, but what the hell were the first few years about? You just had to arrive during my most isolated time at secondary school (not missing you at all, year 8), and on the day my mum was out of town overnight as well, just to leave my poor terrified self feeling even more alone. You thought it was totally necessary to make my sense of smell so sensitive anything made my nervous stomach want to evacuate its contents, but was it really? And don’t even get me started on cycle length! Hovering anywhere from the 17 to 21 day mark made planning anything a nightmare, especially the water sports I loved. How dare you take that away from me? How dare you make me feel I was the only one suffering your affliction so young? How dare you make me scared witless to attend a new friend’s party, in fear you would ruin everything and cast me out like I had been before? I know those hellish years were not all your fault, but you certainly didn’t help. I can thank you for one thing though, thank you beyond anything for your infrequent pain; if you kept up with your occasional outbursts every day, I would have tried to part ways many times at this point. We’re in a good place now, I think. You’re about as well organised as I am which I can forgive, and you’ve headed back to the far more reasonable 30ish day mark so I can actually get some respite in between. I’d say we’re doing pretty good. Just please, oh please, stop messing with my bowels every month, I really do not appreciate it.
Dear implant,
Quick question, what the fuck?! We’ve been doing so well and then bam! You hit me with a period. Everything about you so far has been great. I LOVE not having to stress about forgetting to take you, like I had to with the pill, and I LOVE that I never have periods anymore. However, when you hit me with two periods in a row after 1.5 years with only spotting once before, I was pretty damn displeased. Especially since you chose the eve of my big summer trip to arrive! Honestly, the period itself wasn’t the most annoying part, it was the having no idea when it was going to strike and that they lasted aaaaages. I was completely unprepared, no period supplies, and had forgotten what a period felt like completely. It also meant I couldn’t have sex which suckedddddd. Anyway, I’m hoping you return to your normal good self with no more surprise visits in store. Cheers to many more years together 🥂🍻🍾
Dear shark week,
I despise it whenever your time of the month comes around. I’m a man, why do I have to experience this? The cramps, the emotions, the discomfort, even changing sanitary towels; I hate it all. I can’t wait to go on testosterone because then you’ll disappear for good.
Dear my implant,
I love you so much! Thank you for giving me a period every 6 months-ish that is ten times less painful than when I was 12 years old. I have stopped questioning why you give me a period every time I go on holiday and now accept that as one of your little quirks. You are my third implant and will not be my last so thank you for your time, your energy and your diligent work in not letting me grow a human.
lots of love and gratitude
Gemma xxx
Dear Sprintec (norgestimate and ethinyl estradiol),
I started taking you about a year and a half ago. We started our relationship because of a few reasons, as you know. First off we started because after I turned 18 for some reason my period decided to be inconsistent. From my first period at 11 to the last in high school at 18 it was very consistent, it was the same every month on the dot and very much the same. Then I graduated and all went to hell. I didn’t have another period for four months, then one very light period nothing like I had experienced before, maybe another two months without, and another even lighter one. Everything from a month to almost a year in-between periods happened, with their heaviness from a one day very dry to the heaviest three days I have experienced. This was very confusing after nearly 7 years of consistency. I wasn’t planning on having children at first so this didn’t matter as much, but spooked me as this is considered such a large part of women’s health. Then I met my current partner and we very much want to have children together so the health of my uterus kind of became more important.
Then we get to the main reason I went to my physician to get you. Starting on December 16th of 2011 I started having consistent headaches. All day, every day headaches that would sometimes turn into migraines. Sometimes it would be a pressure in my skull, sometimes would graduate to a pounding headache on one side with the other side still just some pressure. Oh you can only imagine how nasty it is to have a constant headache for years (almost to a 7 year anniversary). They were so annoying and painful, and included sensitivity to light/sound/temperature/etc. It got to the point where I was having migraines at least three-five times a month consistently, and I couldn’t handle that anymore.
I did months of research to figure out what might have been the issue. I came to the conclusion that it might have most likely hormone related as these problems popped up not too far from each other. I went to a physician and asked to be placed onto some form of hormonal birth control explaining I had done my research, and that’s when she introduced me to you. Now I know a lot of people put on hormonal birth control have some adjustment period where their worlds go topsy turvy, but I had the best experience with you. Immediately my headaches lessened and almost disappeared (I can’t be completely sure what it’s like without a headache after so many years with them), my mood increased exponentially (which then also improved almost all my relationships, relieved some anxiety and depression, and helped me feel more comfortable in my body), did straighten out my irregular periods, and I had more energy for some reason. All this within the first few months of taking you. Now this didn’t come without some downsides. I became more emotional, crying at the drop of a hat whether in joy or sadness which I rarely did before. There were a few more side effects but nothing too pertinent. You really fixed my life, and that was both exciting and kind of saddening that my body wasn’t keeping its hormone production as normal when I was only 18 years old!
Now I haven’t been with you for a few months recently due to graduation from university, and I got busy. But coming off of you was HORRIBLE to say the least. My headaches came back in full force, my mood became WAY more aggressive towards the most stupid of things, the cramps are almost unbearable, and I have no energy anymore. I miss you, and I know fully I’m having withdrawals. The periods I have had have been extremely short and light, and my headaches are running my life again. I’m going back to my physician soon to either come back to you or considering getting introduced to your cousins in the hormonal IUD category (as I am horrible with remembering to do anything consistently).
Hopefully I can get back on the train together with you, but thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I miss you lots.
Dear My Lungs,
We’ve been through a lot the last few months. Those huge, nasty blood clots invaded you in April and made you very sick. I’m sorry about that. I wish I had know The Pill was hurting you. When I started taking those birth control pills to regulate my period I had no idea the trouble they would cause us. I didn’t know that you would get so sick you’d stop working, causing me to pass out alone in my dorm room. That was scary. I thought we were gonna die because we really actually almost did. But you powered through, got me breathing again. The doctors didn’t know how I managed to come too after blacking out, I think you were looking out for me. We spent a week in the Intensive Care Unit at the hospital. That was scary. After months of being on the birth control pill now we’re on another. This one makes our blood thin so it won’t clot up anymore. Shaving is annoying and dangerous at times, but you’re breathing fine now so I can’t complain much. I’m proud of you, Lungs. You keep me alive and I do so appreciate that. It’s kind of a super important job. No more birth control for us. Apparently this happens to a lot of people on hormonal birth control. That’s scary. I didn’t know about that. But we’re okay now. Still building up our stamina, but I know were gonna be awesome come November. No more birth control for us. I rather have you than a normal menstrual cycle.
Love you, Lungs. Keep Breathing. <3
Love, Hailey
Dear period cramps,
I am writing this huddled up to a hot water bottle trying to block you out. You’ve brought along your friends lower back pain, nausea, and hormonal acne. As house guests go, you’re not perfect. I want you to leave almost immediately and have to do extra shopping to prepare for your arrival (although that is conveniently predictable so thanks for that I guess). Patiently waiting for you to leave until next time. Laura x
Dear body, I am sorry. I am sorry I went on injections at 16 because I was lazy and didn’t want to deal with your monthly gift. I’m sorry I got tired of the injections too and went on the implant… I am sorry too for not sticking up for you better when you reacted badly to the implant but the stupid bitch of a nurse told me I just needed to wait for it to settle down.. I spent three years with un-controllable mood swings, on and off periods that would last a day to a fortnight and never felt the same. The weight gain was unfortunate but the crazy hormones didn’t help. Maybe I should have paid more attention, maybe my doctors should have read my medical history before giving me high doses of hormones.
I lost half my reproductive system about 5 months before my first hormone injection. Lying on a bed in hospital, not knowing what was going on because at 16 I wasn’t my primary caregiver and didn’t need to be told what was happening. The nurses were too busy to talk to me, surrounded by much much older patients dying of many types of disease or cancer. The light was always too bright. Maybe I should have been told to wait for my body to fully heal. Maybe I should have been told what could go wrong.
Its been ten years now and the depression is almost none existent most of the time, funny how I haven’t had any form of contraception in over four years.. Its not funny how I have been having unprotected sex for six years.. My periods might be getting better.. I have had a couple already this year but the 122 day wait is not fun. The Clue app really helps track this as it remembers far more than I could 🙂 The breast pain sucks but its a normal kind of pain.. I can deal with normal. I now have many letters associated with me. PMDD, PCOS.. I don’t trust doctors.. they look at me like all my problems would be solved if I just lost weight.. Possibly the PCOS but what about all the rest..
Dear Combination Pill,
Thank you for bringing on my period after nearly 17 years of life. I spent all my teenage years from about twelve or eleven waiting for my period to come. I felt like I knew everything there was to know about menstruating by the time I reached sixteen, but still no period. After lots of tests, doctors appointments, and medication that didn’t work, it was you that brought on the thing I have been waiting years for. You’re the pill that stops and/or controls menstruating and it was you that caused my first period. It has been a rollercoaster since then. Learning what having a period is actually like is very strange when I’ve spent so long without one. But I am grateful that you are around. Each night I take a new pill and wait for the week to roll around where the period will begin.
I know eventually we will have to break up so that I can have a ‘natural’ period, but for now, I am glad to have you in my life. You have put my anxious mind at ease. Because of you, I have been able to rest those nervous thoughts about what could be wrong and how I would ever find out.
It is going to take a while to be used to bleeding everything month, that’s for sure. However, I will always be thankful you entered my life – and my body – because it has meant I can menstruate.
Thanks, Combination Pill, you’re a bloody legend.
To my dear Period,
I would just like to say thank you. You came late in my puberty I was 17, people said I was lucky and I never understood and I still don’t now as a 22 year old adult not experiencing a painful period. I appreciate how light and painless you are. A notification from clue says: “your period will start tomorrow”, and their you are light as a feather filling up only 1 of my thinx period underwear per day. 3 days later you are gone with nothing but a trace of bloody discharge, No cramps just bigger boobs.
Dear hyperemesis gravidarium, there is nothing I hate more than you. All you put me through when I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter, starvation, vomiting even sips of water, being on drips in hospital, antisickness that didn’t work. I actually admitted I wanted to die on the worst days because of you.
Cheers for the PTSD aswell, which means I can never have the third baby I so desperately want because you broke me down so much I’m not brave enough to fight you again. I am so angry with you, it feels like the decision has been taken away from me because I cannot face you again. My heart breaks but you don’t care. I could go on but I won’t you aren’t worth my time.
F**k you hyperemesis gravidarium!
Dear my menstrual cup,
You are just great. More people need you, we need to share your gift. I used to be so prepared for my period I would waste so many tampons in anticipation and now I could just put you in all month long if I wanted. I don’t even know you are there. I can get up in the morning and not have to awkwardly sprint to the loo knowing you are there to catch me. I feel like we’ve got this period thing sussed out you and me – ngl it took far too many months of struggles, but once it clicked – I can never go back.. Not sure any product has ever made such a difference to my life.
Thanks very much
Dear period,
Thanks for never bothering me much. In 21 years of life I’ve had maybe 12 periods and none have been very painful. You caused me some stress when I realized you were so irregular but once doctors confirmed I was perfectly healthy I became grateful for you infrequent visits. Now, on the Mirena coil, infrequent has become over two years period free and I never have to worry about pools, what to wear on my period, or buying period products. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to participate more actively in conversations about periods with my friends who menstruate. However I can’t express how grateful I am that you’ve given me such an easy time.
Forever the friend who will heat up water bottles and go buy Advil and chocolate for others,
Michelle from Canada
Dear my hench vagina,
Why you gotta be so muscly?! So muscly in fact I can’t get inside, no tampons, no fingers, no pleasure, no nothing. So you’re making me get surgery! They’re gunna have to cut you open just to see inside! Yet still you have enough of a gap to give me periods but other than that completely useless! Ffs man get it together (or apart as the case may be).
My dear crazy body,
Where do I begin?
Why do you have me fitting almost each category of Hannah list? I reckon I could just do another 18 episodes of her channel with so many to say. But I’ll try to be brief.
We live in Brazil, so, we do not have so many options as dear Hannah when Women’s health care is concerned, I do have an Ob/Gyn uncle, which was supposed to give me some peace, but no, is so damn weird to be examined by your uncle, who just happens to be your godfather. And of course you have to live most of your life in a small city where everyone will know if you buy a condom or do a STD test… Cause…. Why not, right?
So you give me period when I’m just ten years old, and with it acne, cramps, weight gain, facial hair and PCOS, cause it was already ease to navigate school being the nerdy fatty girl, right? So, of course I didn’t get to kiss someone until I was 15, or have sex until 1 month before 18th, and have the first boyfriend a year after that… Cause… Looks matter at teen years, yay!
Now, I did know what sex was, and thanks to my high levels of testosterone, which you so gladly provide, I was quite good at it, to the point the guy didn’t even believe in the bloody mattress and said I’m not a virgin, so… Thanks for that, I guess.
By the way, is quite hard to have PCOS since always. My uncle Ob/Gyn put me on the pill at age of 12, so it could reduce my gigantic flow, which to this day, 17 years later, makes me buy the biggest pads available and not even dream about tampons, thanks for that; Try regulate the unpredictable cycles, which stayed unpredictable even with the pill for almost ten years, and unfortunately meant more periods, no less; reduce my hormonal acne, which still persist, even though I’m almost in my thirties; And allow me to leave the bed when I’m in my period, which is pretty hard when no pain killer can control the monstrous cramps I have.
And then… Babies. When you have PCOS and is put on the pill so early you can’t not think about babies. You know you already have lesser chances of getting pregnant when you want, and then the prolonged use of the pill reduces the chances even more, and, because life is funny, your sister already had trouble getting pregnant, and almost lost your niece at the end of the pregnancy, so…
Babies. If I want to have it, I need to think fast, but I don’t live in a country where freezing eggs is an available solution, getting a free screen is already almost impossible. I’m not in a stable relationship, or a relationship of any kind for that matter, nor would I have the structure needed to have a baby. So instead of having a carefree and crazy young adult life, I get to be worried about wanting or not wanting babies. Great!
That means I don’t get to stay on the pill the whole time, I don’t get to choose the period free kind of pill, which means I’m always having to deal with the damn symptoms of my PCOS, specially not losing weight even if I almost starve myself to death or run a marathon. Oh, and on Brazil the pill is the only “solution” you get when you have PCOS. By the way, it should be forbidden for doctors to say “You should lose weight” for women with PCOS that ask for a solution to PCOS, YOU DO KNOW THAT LOSING WEIGHT IS DAMN IMPOSSIBLE FOR PEOPLE WITH PCOS, SO WHY EVEN SUGGEST THAT ?? DO YOU REALLY THINK ALL FAT PEOPLE EAT BAD???
But I digress… I’m sorry if I’m being overly emotional and angry, but I’m on my red day three and you thought it would be fun to not only give me mood swings before my period, but also during and after it, because… Why not, right? I have so much more to tell you, my dear carzy body, but that’s all the time I have for today.
At least I should thank you for not giving ache to my giant boobs…Yay me!
Dear my hecking hormones,
You have been a big part of my life these last couple of years. Going from the combined pill to the implant to the mini pill to the coil has been a lot for my body. Combined with a diagnosis of type 2 bipolar in the last year and messing more with my body chemistry with medication, I don’t know how my body hasn’t blown up. Well, it has in acne anyway.
Doctors, you have poked and prodded and blindly hurt me so much as you throw contraceptives at me that cancel out my mood stabilisers and change my hormones around every 6 months or so.
I am tired.
Coil, I hope to god you work out for me. So far its been so good, but you’re now my only option as the doctors have kindly pointed out after all their mistakes. You better behave.
Pray for Nicole lol
Dear Cervix,
Why was I never taught that you would sit lower down during my period? Suddenly feeling a big lump in my vagina and not knowing what it was definitely freaked me out. Not even a trip to the doctors to get checked out helped me out as you were now sitting higher up again due to me not being on my period any longer. I’m glad Aunty Google finally gave me answers more than a year later, because as much as I was trying not to get freaked out about you, I was definitely failing.
Love, Harriet
Dear Period,
Well it’s certainly been a journey.
I first learnt about you at a premature year of 8 and being a know it all/ teachers pet, I answered almost every question ever asked during PSHE.
What I wasn’t expecting, was to feel this pressure to control you, to document your every move, cycle and feeling.
By going on the pill I was expecting some kind of sexual freedom, to want and need sex more in my life than I previous had. But in fact by stopping you I only wanted it less. This battle field continued for 3 years until eventually I called 111 because having tried to vanquish you once and for all, I only enraged you to bestow upon me, 2 solid months of bleeding.
Ever since then, I have lost 3 mooncups down the toilet, 20 tampons used during the holidays and countless upon never ending period pads that give a me nappy rash every single period. But after all of this, I’ve learnt to fully respect you, to accept you and to appreciate the red cycle that tells me that I’m alive, fertile and young.
Lots of Love,
Betty x
Dear my period,
We’ve had an interesting ride these past ten years. You didn’t make the best first impression when you turned up for the very first time on Christmas Day, and I don’t think I will ever thank you for making me have to listen to my Mum’s jokes that I “must have been bad that year!” for Lord knows how long. And God, you have caused me so much agony – mental and physical – from that very first day as well. I was so chillingly embarrassed of you that for years I barely say your name out loud, that I would leave pads unchanged for uncomfortably and even dangerously long amounts of time for fear of others’ hearing me unwrapping them, and even that I would feel overwhelming nausea whenever conversations turned to blood, wombs, fluids and sex. Thanks to you, I have faked far too many “migraines” when you have been (literally) tearing my insides to shreds, and I have avoided far too many outfits and swimming pools and sleepovers and lost far too many opportunities to be chilled, carefree and confident in how I carry myself. From thirteen to twenty(ish), you caused five or six days out of every thirty to be lost ones.
But in the past couple of years I haven’t hated you quite so much. Buying a menstrual cup genuinely changed my life, and as an adult (with the extensive education of YouTube, Tumblr, Twitter, books and good, honest friends) I will chat about you openly and make sure people bloody well know about it (pun intended) when I am vomiting and blacking out from your insistence on causing horrific, take-your-breath-away stomach aches. The fact that I still go about my day as normal when blood is continually seeping out between my legs makes me pretty badass, I have come to realise. I’m stuck with you for a while yet, I know, so I refuse to be silent about you anymore. I just wish I’d come to this conclusion earlier.
Peace out and see you in a month’s time (hopefully, or that would give this post a horrifying plot-twist),
L x
Dear period,
Our first 5 years together were pretty rough. The sheer amount of blood you made me lose caused me to wake up twice a night to change my super-heavy duty goodnight pad so I wouldn’t stain my clothes or sheets (which happened anyway). You also gave me severe anaemia, so I was stuck on the pill until I was 20. I’m grateful that you’ve settled now, and feel very privileged that you are so, insanely regular. It works well with my organisational soul. But god, what’s with the trapped wind and constipation for the first half? It hurts so much I have to hold on to something hard and try not to scream.
While you’re a painful inconvenience, without you I wouldn’t recognise and wonder over what my body can do, so thank you.
Dear menstrual cup,
You still need a name, I’m working on it. Thank you for making me empty the bathroom bin far less frequently, that’s a perk I hadn’t thought of when choosing you and it makes me very happy. I wish I’d found you while my partner and I were dating and he lived in a house full of boys. Trying to hide used tampons in toilet rolls so they couldn’t be seen in the bin was not a fun time. I’m a huge advocate for you, and I hope you know that I tell every single person with a menstrual cycle I come across to invest in one of your siblings or cousins. Thank you for making me more carefree about my period than I thought I could ever be. You’re the best.
Dear first ovulation,
oh, what a fun time it was, back then when I was about thirteen or fourteen years old. You were considered a little bit late, but you made up for it with a bombastic first impression: you made me faint while one of my violin lessons. I fell into the music stands, not only slaming my lips open ( I have a little scar now, and I am chewing on it whenever I am very nervous ), but you also traumatized my violin teacher ( for the next five years she forced me to sit down during violin lessons and she became very nervous whenever I was looking a little bit confused ).
It was as if you surprised the shit out of my body and my body just pulled the emergency brake – I understood the reason two weeks later when I went to my mom with some bloody panties beeing all like “Mom, I got my period. I think. Mom, what exactly is a period?”
Anyway.
Besides that you traumatized my violin teacher, dear first ovulation, you made me understand something that up to that point was just some random thing happening in my life: you made me understand my ‘habit’ of fainting. Because I was fainting a lot. Actually I still do, sometimes. I never thought about it, but after that violin lesson I remember beeing like: wow, I have a very sensitive body. Like, VERY sensitive. And that cracked lips and this little scar remind me to listen to what it has to say. Because it can tell me a lot. And it is warning me about, like, everything. I jist have to listen to it.
Also, dear ovulation, thanks for this random feeling you give me every month when you are arriving, this weird short POKE! in my tummy that is like “heey bitch! I am here!” – very helpfull. very very helpfull.
lots of love an confusion!
Dear birth control pill,
why do you have to be so damn expensive? Look, I’m a lesbian. I don’t need you for what you’re really made for. I need you in order to not have a period as I have Von Willebrand disease. Why can’t the damn insurance pay for you when I literally need you in order to NOT DIE? This is ridiculous.
Sincerely,
Karolína
A letter to my cyborg parts
Dear Implant 1.0
Boy did you and I have some good times.
I was a hormonal wreck when we found each other. I’d had my eye on you for a while but my doctor insisted I try the pill first to see how I got on.
I was young and horny and terrified of getting pregnant and ruining my education.
I called my small local surgery and booked an appointment.
My dad dropped me off. He knew why I was going to the doctor’s, but we spent the car journey in complete awkward silence.
“Do you want me to come in with you?”
“Thank you, but I think I’ll be okay”
And that was it. A few days afterward, I removed the plaster to find a flowering bruise and felt for the small tube under my skin which would become my companion for the next 3 years.
You put a stop to those pesky periods I hated so much, my skin cleared up, we had a great time. You protected me from pregnancy by 5 different people. You certainly had your work cut out for you, but you delivered. You were my stable and dependable friend.
Most of all I enjoyed making other people feel my arm where you stayed, they would cringe at how you felt beneath my skin and I would laugh and tell them how good you were to me.
Unfortunately, we had to part ways, you were outliving your usefulness, so I’d need to upgrade before I went to Uni. It was just time to say goodbye.
Dear Implant 2.0,
My time with you was a whole different story.
The periods stayed away yes, but you were no blessing.
You made me cry most days. No, there’s no evidence but I know it was you.
You made me long and weep for children. I wanted so badly what I wasn’t ready to have.
I put on weight, comfort eating for the spiraling depression you were putting me through.
And sure you stopped me from getting pregnant. What good was that when you would make me feel so terrible for not being so?
I let you run your course.
I booked an appointment for the exact same week, 3 years later, that you were put in.
The nurse made a clean, neat cut and excavated you from my arm.
“Do you want to keep it?” she said
“No”
Dear period,
thank you for being the most reliable thing in my life right now, the good and the bad. Actually, I won’t thank anyone for a week of achy boobs, two weeks of freakish amounts of spots, some weight gain and the first-day-cramps. I am thankful for the regularity of my cycle, how short my actual period is (3 or 4 days of actual bleeding, after that it’s just spotting) and for showing me that everything is going fine down there.
Lexi
Dear periods,
You arrived unannounced when I was 11, and you have been a dread ever since, from agonising cramp to heavy embarrassing flows that lasted 10 days instead of the 3-5 everyone else your age boasted about. You made me feel like an outsider, abnormal and weird compared to the girls my age who had a doddle every month.
By the time I was 16 you were making my life unbearable every two weeks, that’s when the hell of contraception came around, not for the joys of sex but to tame you however it didn’t work, it triggered a hormonal response of depression and anxiety which turned into agrophobia right in the midst of my gcses. That’s when the heavenly angels answered my prayers and sent me a female locum GP, she understood every symptom, every emotion and issue with such compassion, I’d never experienced from my regular male GP, she pointed me towards mephenemic (possibly the wrong spelling) acid which gave me my life back! A few pills and no more cramps, lighter periods, easier to manage pms, no more embarrassing leakages or painful giant blood clots, a nice calm 3-5 day long period, that I’d always been so envious of others for.
You can be a real pain in the womb, but I’m glad we’re getting on better than we used to!
Dear pill,
I’m grateful that you’ve (mostly) cleared up my skin and regulated and lighted my period. I’m glad to not hav blood clot so or depression. I don’t know what I’d do without you. But on the other hand I don’t feel like I know me without the pill – does non pill me actually want a partner or sex? Would I be someone different? Should I try the implant or the coil? Would my hormonal acne come back to haunt me? And is it for me or for what people think of me that I want to have clear skin?
Love,
Josephine
Dear Uterus,
We have never really gotten along. Yes, Gram and Mom took us out to get ice cream when you started shedding, which was a nice way to celebrate my “first steps into womanhood.” However, that same day, my fifth-grade teacher shamed me for the fact that you were shedding and that I needed to step out so that we could have some words. It was incredibly embarrassing and I wasn’t too thrilled with the fact that you had started my red river flowing. So, already, we were off to a rocky start. In eighth grade, I thought that you were covered with cists, which was scary. Turns out you aren’t. Instead, your inconsistencies helped me get diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and started we a new journey to regulating my hormones and getting everything in my body back on track, including you. With this news came a bunch of other scary things. I had to start taking medication, getting my blood drawn and thinking about having kids. I was pretty sure that I never wanted kids, but I wasn’t expecting to have to think about this decision until much later. But, no! With my hormones out of wack and you letting the red Gatorade drip whenever you darn well pleased, I learned that my path to pregnancy would be a rough one. Now, I know that you were in the room during this conversation, but I will remind you again that deciding whether or not I was going to rent you out for 9 months to a small human was not really something that I wanted to have to think about when I was 13. Growing up with a family that valued family above all else, everyone told me that I would definitely want to have kids. I was going to grow up and find a man to fall in love with. Then, of course, I would be more than happy to let someone move into you for 9 months. But the image that my family was painting for me didn’t seem right. I felt scared, confused and a little broken. If I did want kids, I would have to tell my future partner that you were going to make things difficult. Why would someone want to have to deal with you being a hot mess when they could find someone else with a trophy uterus?
Now that I am older, I have started to accept you as you are. Sometimes I get frustrated, don’t get me wrong. Having you take a vacation for four months and then come back and let the red river flow for two weeks was a little irritating. Still, I know that you are doing your best and I appreciate your efforts. Even though it isn’t always enough, you and my Synthroid usually get along really well. I still don’t want to rent you out for 9 months, but I don’t see you as broken anymore. You are just a little sassier than other uteruses and that’s alright with me. Thanks for hanging in there.
Love,
Jaime
Dear my periods
You mean I’m healthy but I’m not quite sure
You’ve been here everyday for 6 months and it’s getting in my way
Sex is awkward
My underwear is stained
And I’m constantly moody
Ironically. My bloods were ok meaning you can’t be here due to hormones
So why. Why are. You here
Dear The Pill,
I almost ended my life thanks to you. The slow crawl of my eventual suicidal ideation sprouted from your existence in my blood. So would I rather be one step away from the edge or forced to have a child I don’t want? Should I remain abstinent from partners who I know may not respect a wish for condoms or other forms of contraception? I CAN ONLY PROTECT MYSELF.
Let me ravage my inner ecosystem just so I do not have excruciating pain in my organs a few days a month.
Anyway, here’s hoping for a future where the onus of preventing pregnancy is not on the woman. And for a future where chronic pain in women’s bodies is taken so much more seriously than it is.
All the best,
Me!
Dear contraception,
Why do you hate me?
What about my body makes you react so badly?
The health care professionals say I’m running out of options now, I’ve tried all the combinations of pills, I’m on brevinor now… Yeah exactly I hadn’t heard of it either, I’ve been on this one for a while now, I get scared its going to turn on me like the others.
When will it trigger the anxiety, when is the darkness of the depression induced by the pill going to come, am I going to become agrophobic again, like the very first pill I ever took at just 16, or something new entirely? Or is this the pill that suits me, can I dare to dream that there’s a pill out there that agrees with my body?
Yknow I’m 21 now, and I still don’t understand anything about hormones or contraception, the doctors don’t either, how you work, or why you react a certain way to different people; I just get handed a box and told to come back in 3 months, it’s a terrifying and lonely experience.
Brevinor has been okay so far, libido hasn’t disappeared, my boyfriend likes it for that one, I can go two Months without a period and my appetite didn’t double in size, I do get a little anxious around my time of the month and my boobs hurt but atleast I’m managing to get out of bed every day now, the migraines are worth it because I don’t feel hopeless anymore.
I hope I don’t need to try another pill anytime soon, I’m not sure I could handle the trauma.
I’m on my week long break right now, but I’ll see you again in a few days brev x
Dear connective tissue disorder,
Thank you.
Thank you for causing me to have abnormal scar growth, making me have to remove the (nexplanon) implant.
Me and the implant were good buddies for 7 years, from the age of 14 to 21.
She kept me from pregnancy anxiety, made my hormones stabilise and I would only bleed once or twice a year – it was bliss!
Until it wasn’t, until I had such immense pain in my arm, itching and burning that made me want to scratch my skin away.
It took 4 numbing injections and over 1 hour to remove the implant because my lovely connective tissue disorder and abnormal scar growth caused it to be scarred into place.
Now, you wouldn’t expect me to be thanking you so much given the situation, especially due to the fact that coming off long term contraceptive caused me to have a mental health “issue” (HELLO, hormonal anxiety, didn’t know you were a thing, welcome to the party!).
But seriously, thank you connective tissue disorder.
You caused me to make the discision to be hormone free (and Hannah too! Watching THD for months made me decide to try go hormone free, thanks for the inspiration❤️).
Hormone free has been the best thing I have ever done.
My cycle is predictable, not randomly once or twice a year, every 24 or 25 days like clockwork.
I have hormonal acne that I never experienced before.
My boobs ache almost exactly 3 days before my period starts (thanks for the heads up, I know when to put a spare tampon in my bag).
My mood is perfectly fine all cycle – which is honestly a surprise, I was expecting to be a riot with mood swings.
I had prepared for worst and freaked myself out over doing this for so long that I was sure I was going to fail and go back to the implant, with its pain and all.
But no, I have had the best time so far, my period does not define me, its just another part of my life.
So thank you, connective tissue disorder, for making me confront my period and hormonal anxiety and putting me in a position that I had to change, giving me the opportunity to try hormone free and see what real periods are like.
I quite like them.
Love,
Nats xoxo
Dear my PENIS,
It’s been awhile since we last had a heart to heart. How’s it hanging? Still enjoying those penis puns? You know, watching Hannah Witton’s Hormone Diaries series has been really enlightening, don’t you think? Since it started I’ve had 3 different sexual partners and the knowledge here has really helped me support them through the whole., you know, sexing thing.
The first girl as you know, was a virgin (no shame!) before we dated, but soon decided to start taking the pill because she felt empowered by her new sexual self and wanted some added protection. It was great seeing her get more comfortable with us and going through the whole STI testing process with her. Kudos to you, penis, for never taking control and letting me stay cool and collected as we slowly explored what she was comfortable with. I wish her all the best and hope she’s happy.
I also want to thank you for not stealing all the blood from my brain when we dated the second girl. She needed a few weeks for her STI results came in which meant more cuddling and build up, and zero sex. As fun as it is to let you lead when in the bedroom, it’s usual best when I take charge outside of it, as I’m more patient and respectful. We ended up breaking up before she got the coil, but, speaking to her after, she seems to be happy with her choice!
Finally, we met our current girlfriend.. Not only does she make us both happy, but we just celebrated our first year together! She’s recently started taking the pill, and the spotting it’s causing does annoy her, but you and I know that’s just another part of being a woman and couldn’t care less. Making her comfortable and feel sexy even though there is a little bleeding is key, and I’m thankful we look past that and just enjoy being with her. Bodies take time to adjust, and since there’s nothing we can do aside from wearing condoms (which she’d prefer not to use), we have to be respectful with all the little quirks other birth control methods bring. Maybe one day there will be something we can do to take the burden off her shoulders, but until then, let’s just remind her that we love her. Spotting and all.
Anyway, PENIS, thanks for taking the time to go down memory lane with me. We’ve had our ups and downs (yours are more literal than mine), but it’s great knowing that, now that I’m in my late 20s, I’ve got a lot more control of my hormones and therefore we can work together to make our partner happy.
Cheers to all the years ahead.
Dear period,
There once was a thing called a pad
Something I’m required to have
But why is when
It’s your time again
It’s an awkward conversation with nan.
Dear imperforate hymen, oh how much stress and worry you have caused me. Being diganoised at 14 with a gynaeological congential disorder with hormones and emotion’s all over the place isn’t really the best combition but that’s what was thrown at me. I was diagnosed with an imperforate hymen at 14 years old which means my vagina had no opening and was fully blocked meaning that my menstrual blood had no where to come out and no way to have sex. It is a rare condition but out of everyone guess who had it me!! After 3 ultrasounds scans and 1 MRI; doctors couldnt seem to understand what was wrong with me or what the next step was. During that period I went through such a hard time and I was is a constant bubble of feeling low, different to everyone else and out of place as I didn’t understand what was going on with myself. I then learnt how to love myself and accpet myself for the way that God created me and he didn’t create me this way for no reason. So a year and a half later (at 15 years old) after seeing 3 different doctors being referred from my home town Birmingham to see a doctor in London I finally got to a professional who understood what was happening and understood my condition and was able to give me a proper diagnosis and treatment called a hymenotomy to cut my hymen and release all the blood which was building up in my uterus and vagina. I was also given dilation therapy as my hymen or septum was very thick to prevent if from sealing back up and me having the same problem again. A year and a half later after my surgery now at 17 I have had regular periods and no more issues.
Dear my cramps,
I still don’t know if you were completely normal for me. I was always told this was supposed to hurt but I was never told you were supposed to come visit me with all your friends vomit, chills, shocks, crying, screaming, and that you’d be overall making a full week of my life a living breathing nightmare. With a mom who was so anti medicine she restricted the amount of Advil I could take, I don’t think it was very fair of you to choose me. One month I was finally so fed up, still tasting vomit in my mouth, that I demanded I be taken to go see what in all fresh hell could possibly be wrong with me. The gynecologist prescribed me Yaz. Who would’ve thought that my cramps on the pill would’ve been how you visited all my friends. Cramps, we had a good run, me being miserable and you being unaffected, but I can’t say I miss how you treated me.
Dear dermoid cyst,
I’d never heard of you a year ago but I’m so lucky you were discovered before you turned against me and caused a torsion or a tear.
I’m so lucky I started bleeding after sex and my boyfriend pushed me to get it checked out, although it wasn’t fun when the doctor accused me of having an STI before doing any tests, to which I told him IMPOSSIBLE! And he replied “we’ll see”
It wasn’t fun having to have so many vaginal examinations, or the internal scan that discovered you. The shooting pain I experienced in the bottom of my stomach on the left side everytime I had sex, I thought it was normal at first, until the bleeding anyway, then we found you.
Were you cancerous? No. were you growing? Yes, but very slowly. why were you there? How were you there? You were attached to my left ovary and had been all my life, the hormones of my pill triggered your growth, a sac filled with oil, hair, teeth and nails, not my twin like everyone thought, just a cell that got confused, just bobbing around inside of me.
I decided I didn’t want you anymore so I went under the knife to remove you! My surgeon was horrible, rude and plain insulting but he saved my ovary, I still have two Yknow, left and right, I have 3 scars, one along my tummy like a c section, one through my stomach and one through my belly button.
I’d never heard of you before, it’s been an emotional roller-coaster but I’m glad you’re gone, I can now enjoy sex, pain free! Hip hip hoorraay!!!
Rip to the dermoid cyst that used to be x
Dear period,
Just a quick question? Why do you fuck with my sexual attraction so much?!? The type of people I’m into is pretty consistent, but as soon as you arrive it’s like Cupid has gone blind and is just shooting arrows left and right. It can be my housemate, a professor, the person working at the grocery store or a stranger on a bus. Dear period, thank you for showing me the beauty in other people but please stop confusing me like this!
Thanks, see you in a month
Xx
Dear my womb,
I’m pregnant, good work buddy. After the miscarriage I had doubts in your ability, big doubts, scary doubts. But here we are pregnant with our rainbow baby.
It’s kinda scary but also so amazing, you are amazing! After everything we have been through; early period beginnings, severe cramps and heavy clotty flow, all the pills I tried to fix you with and finally the rod our saviour!
I’m scared, I’m sure your scared, this is a big change. We aren’t as sick as last time thank god, but you’ve had your issues; the heavy cramping as you adjust to your new mission and the light bleeding that has sent me to the edge with fear of another miscarriage. We can get through this, your amazing and what your doing is just amazing!
Just 200 odd days to go and you have the biggest task of your life ahead of you. I believe we can get through this!
Just tell my boobs to stop aching and my back to calm down.
Your doing an amazing job womb!
Dear My Period,
I suffered for so long because I was ashamed to talk about you. I was first put on the pill when you were extremely regular when I was 16, but my cycle was 2 weeks off and one week on which everyone thought wasn’t right. I was then on my period for the entire 2 months during which my GCSEs were taking place. I was only switched to a different one when I outright told a doctor that I wouldn’t be taking these pills anymore. From then on out I still didn’t talk much about the taboo topic of bleeding. I thought it was normal for people’s hips to feel like they were about to give way and for their ribs to feel tight and make it hard to breathe during my period, I eventually told a friend and she freaked out because that is apparently decidedly not normal. Several dozen doctor’s appointments later, and it was decided that I would be put on a different pill that would stop these pesky periods all together it was then that the pain migrated to everywhere all the time, I hadn’t fully realised the connection beforehand. Several dozen more doctors appointments later and it was decided that I had fibromyalgia. I am now taking a gap year from university to work on my physical and mental health and I think I am going to try to reduce the use of all my pills and stop taking the contraceptives all together. These past few years have made me realise that my period is not something to be controlled and hidden; I am not dirty for bleeding once a month, I am amazing for it. And part of this realisation was as a thanks to both you, Hannah, and Lisa Lister’s books.
So, thank you,
Annabel
Dear pregnancy,
Part of me is so glad to be done with you, however, the other part of me misses you. While with you, my baby had a safe and cozy place to grow and now he is out in this cold harsh world. On the other hand, I don’t miss the constant trips to the bathroom, not being able to see my own vagina, the mood swings, and all of the body aches. My baby wasn’t the only thing you provided to me. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME HEMORRHOIDS!? I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. You pushed my body to it’s limits and caused me to be pre-eclampic and made me have the baby 3 weeks before he was due. I know with all of that, I was one of the lucky ones who you didn’t completely destroy. Thank you so much for creating my son, but overall, I don’t miss you. I do beg that you will be nicer to my sister. You are giving her a really hard time and she doesn’t need that.
Regards,
Kimberly
Dear pcos,
What a journey we have been on. 9 years old mystery symptoms and a tiny 16 year old me being put on the pill because you prevented my period from actually coming. Having doctor after doctor after doctor after doctor telling me that I had no reason to be concerned it was all in my head and that I was too young to be concerned about my own body. Finally one bright shining light of a doctor was absolutely appalled that I was never taken seriously and demanded that I get my hormones levels checked out. Turns out my testosterone levels were way too high for a person that is a female. Finally got a name to the 9 years of frustration. What scares me now is our future together. I have been told it will be very very difficult for me to have children and I dont know how I am going to cope with that when the time comes. I am 26 now and getting very tired of my body not working the way it is supposed to.
Dear Depo-Provera.
I was always super regular, with a pretty light flow but then after 6 years i got my first boyfriend and knew i needed some sort of protection, and knowing how forgetful i am, i chose what i thought was the least risky choice and first you were great and we were friends and you pretty much got rid of my period (only came when i was almost due for the next injection) but why did you have to mess everything up, you caused me to gain like 50 lbs, made me really anxious and depressed, got rid of any and all sexual desires. i thought kissing you goodbye after 3 years would be easy, just get the copper iud (Paraguard) and everything would go back to how it was before i even knew about you but NOOOOOOOO! its been almost 2 years without hormones and you are still messing with me, periods every 2 weeks, no weight loss, and now just a bit of a libido again? How do you think my boyfriend feels, im either bleeding or have no interest in sex?! How much longer is this going to take!? Everything Ive seen online says you should have been completely out of my body in 6 months to a year but here we are and after i discontinue you i learn that they dont recommend being on depo for more than 2 years, why did planned parenthood not tell me that? once a year they checked in with me to ‘renew my prescription’ and pretty much saw i wasn’t dead and gave me the next dose. I am now in search of a doctor that will try to help me with fixing everything you have done, who wont say that im just recovering from you, its been 22 months and Ive had 44 periods SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE…. i think i found one that might listen to all of my concerns (i do have other issues that have been brushed off for years too) but they don’t have an appointment that i can make until January and im still not exactly sure if my insurance will cover it since they are a naturopathic physician…
Dear Paraguard,
You seem to be great so far but why do you have to make me feel like im about to die every time my vagina is bleeding? AND why do you have to make me bleed so much more that ever before? I over flow my menstrual cups at least 3 times on my heaviest day and then still have like 5 more slightly lighter days to go… that’s like 200ml of blood every time…. and that happens like every 2 weeks because of the depo!!! no wonder why im always so tired, i must be almost out of blood (i know i know your body makes more blood constantly but im trying to make a point here!)….
Dear Diva Cup, Lunette Cup, lilly cup compact, reusable cloth pads, Sexanations Youtube, and Precious Stars Pads/ Bryony Farmer on YouTube,
THANK YOU! Bree, i don’t remembered how i first discovered you but you introduced me to a whole new world of RUMPs (REusable Menstrual Products) these wonderful things are always there for me, no need to run out to the store for tampons, no horrible chemicals, and very low (maybe even no) risk for TSS. Honestly I don’t know how i didn’t die from TSS before i discovered you, i had such bad hygiene habits because i was so embarrassed by my period since it wasn’t something that was talked about in my family and if it was, it was it was by my father trying to blame my anger and frustration with him on PMS. And Dr. Doe you have taught me so much about how my body and bodies in general function, in fact i often tell friends random facts from your videos…
Dear Boyfriend,
You have been here for me through everything, from using just condoms, to depo, to paraguard. through all the emotions, the anxiety, the depression, the inevitable pregnancy scares, the loss and now slow recovery of my libido, the almost constant periods. I love you and cant believe what we have gone though together in these 5 years. but you can stop telling all the women in your family that i know so much about periods, it gets kinda awkward…
Dear thyroid,
I’d never heard of you, until at the age of 16, I was falling asleep in school, always tired, naps after tea, 10 hours of sleep and still exhausted, I looked like a walking corpse.
My mam took me to the GP, she thought I was anaemic she was when she was younger, after some blood tests, we got a phone call.
Hypothyroidism they told us, take one tablet every morning for the rest of your life!
I was thrown into a downward spiral, life long condition? Was it serious? What did it mean? What did the tablet do?
I never received any information, any counselling, I’ve never even seen an endocrinologist yet and I’m now 21.
I’ve lost count of the blood tests I’ve had the appointments with the doctor all to be told I’m “within range” what range? What does that mean? If the tablets work why do I feel no better?
You effect everything. My mood, my weight, my skin, my nails, my vitamin D intake, my ibs, and still they won’t change my dose.
Every worry every question, falls on deaf ears.
And now I have all the symptoms of an adrenal gland issue…. More hormonal issues waaahooo, yet again they all fall upon deaf ears, I feel so alone.
Just me and my underactive thyroid battling through.
I hope one day we find a happy balance, and I stop falling asleep in my tea! X
I have also got hypothyroidism after having my baby. It is not fun! x
Dear Nuvaring,
I don’t want to give you up. I got you when I was first sexually active and you have protected me from unwanted pregnancy. I only have to worry about you twice a month, you’re reasonably priced (especially with benefits from work) and you change my life. I had standard periods before you. Around 5 days, with only 2-3 days of heavy bleeding. Some cramps, felt emotional, some bloating. Nothing unreasonable and certainly not as bad as many other people. But with you. Oh boy. The best. My periods are 3 days tops, usually light enough that I only use pads. The vast majority of the time I experience no emotional or physical side effects from my period You’ve turned a minor inconvenience into a complete non-issue. You not only did what you promised but you exceeded expectations.
But next month… I will no longer need you. My partner has gotten a vasectomy. And now I have to decide what role you will play in my life. Before now your cost has been a reasonable fee to pay to avoid becoming a mother. But can I justify the cost for no real reason – for ease? For nice to haves? Are you harming me in a way I don’t know and I will only discover after it is too late? I’ve been with you for 10 years, barring a few breaks, and I just can’t decide. You’re a safety blanket – both for peace of mind and minor improvements to my quality of life.
Why can’t you give me an answer?
Leslie
Dear My Messed Up Body,
When I was going through puberty, I thought my irregular periods were perfectly normal, until they became too regular to the point where I got 2 periods that lasted 6 months long. Obviously I knew something was wrong so I went to the doctors. The first one I saw said “its perfectly normal to have an irregular cycle like this”……. What the hell? But because I was young, I believed him.
When I got the second one I decided to get a second opinion because 1. I was falling asleep all the time and I was constantly tired and 2. It was so expensive to have to constantly buy pads. When I saw this doctor, she was shocked at what the first doctor said and ordered a blood test and a ultrasound asap. When the results came back, I was diagnosed with PCOS and anaemia….great. she put me straight onto the pill and metformin.
The pill worked amazingly for 2 years, until it nearly killed me.
I went to the hospital with breathing problems, I felt a constricting pain around my lungs. I thought I had somehow broke a rib. Turns out that I had a Pulmonary Embolism (blood clots in my lungs).
The doctors told me that I can never take the pill again, so I panicked for the entire week I was admitted because I didn’t want to go through those awful endless periods again.
The week after I got out, I went to my doctor to discuss options. She put me on the implanon since it was less risky (no estrogen) and that worked fine. Stopped my bleeding which had already started by that point.
It took me almost a year to fully recover and to also find out that both I and my younger sister both have a Protein C deficiency which means we are susceptible to clotting so it was only a matter of time before the pill did that. I still need to take blood thinners indefinitely as a preventative.
I’m at the 2 year mark now, on a very long waitlist for a endocrinologist and trying to decide if I want to stay on the implanon and try something else. But my options are very limited because I cannot have estrogen.
I know this entry is a bit of a downer, but I felt compelled to publish it because I want others to know of the dangers of contraception.
All in all, still trying to figure out the best way to medicate myself while still giving me the quality of life I deserve. I thank my messed up body for not failing in other ways, but I still am annoyed that you have tried to kill me on a few instances.
Dear my new found PCOS,
I’m trying not to be scared of you. Really your existence makes nothing but sense. Ever since I heard you existed in the world I knew that somehow you were mine too. My pill seemed to hold off enough of your symptoms for me to ignore you, but as soon as I came off it BAM, a three stone weight gain, a lovely bouquet of chin hairs and a mysteriously disappearing period. Great. I mean I’ve always been slightly bigger than my friends, and I’d come to accept that I can grow a pretty dashing moustache if the situation ever arose, but you really just know the way to slash right through a girl’s confidence.
So here we are, finally having to meet face to face and I’m not sure what to make of you. Like, what have you got planned? Are you just going to be an additional health consideration or are you going to make things pretty damn difficult? And please tell me you’re going to let me lose this weight because seriously, I feel like crap.
All my love, please be forgiving,
Flora
Dear lo loestrin,
I loved how you took away my period (yay for no cramps!) but why did you have to take away my libido? I was so excited for you and then you had to go and make me feel like less of a woman. You were both incredible and also an utter piece of shit. I wish we didn’t have to break up, but I needed to move on to a hopefully better method. I miss you and hope we never meet again.
xoxo
Dear gynecologist,
Why did you have to be so dismissive when I told you I didn’t have a libido because of the pill? I was a nervous teenager who already thought it was all in her head. FUCK YOU because you made me think I was crazy when my feelings were real. I was so nervous to bring it up and you brushed off my concerns. A lack of libido matters whether or not you’re sexually active. I’m glad we’ve moved past it, but you should be more careful the next time someone like me walks into your office.
xoxo
Dear the Doctor who finally listened,
I’m forever thankful for you caring and wanting to get my messed up periods sorted out after I struggled with them for so many years. I started my period at just 10 years old but it wasn’t until I was around 13 that they became agonising and ridiculously prolonged…and I mean ridiculous. I would be on for 3 months at a time, with maybe a week long break in between if I were lucky. I seemed to be forever at the doctors being given a variety of different medications to try to weaken them, along with the injection and eventually the pill to try and stop them completely yet nothing seemed to work. For obvious reasons I became anaemic and at points found it difficult to go to school however I let this continue for YEARS as a was too afraid to go back to the doctors to face the usual response of ‘try losing weight’, something which I had struggled with my whole life. The periods got worse over the years, thankfully not lasting as long, usually around 3-4 weeks at a time with a month break, but the pain significantly worse. Over the years my mental health also declined, whether or not there was a correlation between the two I’m not entirely sure. I also sought out help for that too, yet again with the answer of ‘lose weight’. So I didn’t go back to see a doctor until I was 18 and the pain and heaviness of the period had become unbearable. By this point I was actively losing weight and had lost around 3.5 stone. I decided to try a doctor who I had never seen before and explained the whole situation to her and immediately she referred me for an ultrasound where I was finally diagnosed with PCOS (something which I’d suggested 5 years previously…multiple times), which then explained the other symptoms I’d been having for so long as well such as cystic acne and struggles with weight etc. I was put straight on meds to help with the symptoms and then advised to try the marina coil, something which is usually supposed to be very effective for people with PCOS. So I tried it (I can’t lie, I’ve never felt pain like it) and unfortunately that didn’t work for me either. I got it removed (again, the pain MY GOD!!) and tried numerous different pills until I landed on the mini pill which I’m still on today. So now I’m 19 and finally have things sorted (ish). I’m nearly 6 stone down, have the symptoms of PCOS under control and no longer have periods like I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I have one every few months and when it comes it’s still seriously prolonged and painful, but it’s no where near the extent I had for all those years.
So, thankyou to that one doctor who actually seemed to understand how badly I needed help, didn’t judge me, and didn’t give up after one attempt of trying to help. We need more like you.
Much love, Ciara x
I actually love this idea! I wrote a spoken piece this year actually for my university appropriately named ‘Dear My Period’ but renamed it ‘My Dear Period’ purely for rhythmic purposes lol. Anyway here it is 🙂 xxxxx
My Dear Period,
I longed for you
as a late-blooming,
nearing fourteen year old girl.
I lied to my friends about you,
I said you’d come around,
made up stories
and pretended to hate you
just like everyone else hated their own
I’d lay in bed worrying about you that you’d never arrive
I was a freak.
The first girl with ovaries not to get a period
I would be a medical marvel!
I read all the signs in the problem pages of shout magazine of imminent period arrival.
Boobs? Check.
Hair, down there? Check.
Discharge? Check.
And when you did come around
finally, four days before my fourteenth,
Filled with fear and relief
I hugged my mom and cried
she brought me chocolate and made up a hot water bottle which I cradled to my stomach with pride even without a single cramp in sight.
We had a good thing going for a while didn’t we?
I’d heard whispered horror stories of towels and tampons used just to keep the overflowing beast at bay
cramps so paralysing they kept you pinned to the bed with a phone call to the school to say you had a migraine
There was no way to explain the pain
And where it was located
And why it was there
But to us they were myths
fairy tales,
we had a good thing going didn’t we?
Until that day of college wearing my faithful grey jeans,
that are now in a landfill somewhere with my embarrassment still displayed all over the back pockets
You were brought to my attention
In a hushed library
by a jarring dudley accent saying
“Whats that all over your jeans?”
It seemed more acceptable in that moment to say that I’d sat in shit rather than the truth.
my girl friends even abandoned me in that moment,
they all knew,
they understood
but no amount of sisterhood would allow them to forget the shame of being a woman and share with me stories of their
Grey jeans in a landfill somewhere.
Nothing compared to the shame of you when I bled all over a man when we together who then wouldn’t speak to me for hour and when he did said he was “disgusted”.
I thought you’d arrived
On the 6th May
A week early
On a stranger sheets
I remember the date from the police report
I’ll never forget
The scribbled number
6 5 2016
It wasn’t you
It was him
it flowed out of me,
a poisoned river onto a stranger’s sheets,
a symbol of innocence gone,
a metaphor of lost purity
I’m sorry I was sick when I found you in my blood stained pants a week later
The smell of you, took me from a locked bathroom in my family home
parents laughing downstairs,
to somewhere else
A stranger’s sheets
They didn’t know,
my mom didn’t know that stroking my back
feeding me water wouldn’t sate this stomach bug that was festering inside me and won’t stop multiplying
And I asked her
As she tried to understand
Why I hated you so much this month
what her period meant to her
She told me it just never came back 10 years ago
It makes sense now
At 10 years old I didn’t understand
Why we had to tiptoe round mom
The hot flushes
The depression
And then the obsession with reclaiming her younger self
The anger with her body
And its new found limitations
mourning for the other child she could no longer have
To her a period means loss
It means miscarriage
Its not a celebration after another month of unsafe sex
Its greif
And pain
It’s the ‘it might never happen’
Its the hope
Once again
Drowning in a small bathroom
With my father knocking on the door asking why she won’t come out
And yet through all of the shame and the embarrassment and the grief I know I will mourn for you when you go
You mean youth
Life
Libido
We are conditioned to hide our periods
To ask your friend for a tampon discreetly with your eyes
Refrain from period sex
An act that’s been banned from porn as it is deemed too ‘obscene’
Blow job week is more acceptable
More marketable
Like the meat you become as soon as you bleed
The sexuality you don’t yet understand packaged and sold
To the men who will shout at you from their cars.
None of this compares to the shame of ageing
Of the menopause
When you believe you are no longer fruitful
Or useful
Or beautiful
We humiliate women in every walk of their life
their youth
And their maturity.
We are not allowed to demand respect
I longed for you
As a late blooming
Nearing fourteen year old girl
And if I could speak to her right now
I would say that I do not have to hate you
Like everyone else hated their own
You do not have to follow the crowd
Hating your body doesn’t have to be the norm
Look after it
Love it
You’ll be together for a while
Dear PMS,
Youre a little bitch. You’re not juse a little bit of moodiness here and there. You’re a big ball of rage and pent up anger, all hot and firey until I wind up sitting on my bedroom floor crying for literally hours, anger dissolving into inexplicable sadness. Valuable sleeping, studying, relaxing time gone over literally nothing. I sniff and crawl into bed only after comfort eating my body weight in the biscuits that I NEED TO HAVE RIGHT NOW.
I’ve walked out on exams because of you, jeapordised relationships over you. You make me feel like the shitty stereotype of frail femininity.
It’s okay because I’ve dulled you with a pill that finally works for me, but one day I hope you and I can be friends. Or at least not arch enemies.
Dear something similar to Endometriosis that isn’t fully diagnosed yet,
What a mouthful right? I’ve spent the entirety of 2018 being very confused about why I’ve been so ill, to the point of begging for a diagnosis of any kind. I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy because of how terrified I was that it was something gastro related big and scary. Months slipped through my fingers in a haze of different painkillers and desperately holding a hot water bottle to my stomach at all times. A torrent of nausea, diarrhoea, constipation, awful cramps and constant ache. These were low months, mentally. Recently, we changed tactics, deciding if it can’t be my colon, then it’s more likely to be something funky in my uterus. I’d had an ultrasound and they’d discovered a rather large follicular cyst on my left ovary, but my doctor kept telling me that the cyst didn’t explain my symptoms. That cyst stayed in the back of my mind though. I decided to go onto the contraceptive pill in August and I’m on the list for a laparoscopy in a few months time. As a 19-year-old, this was actually my first time going on the pill, and I can’t say it’s absolutely gotten rid of my symptoms. But somehow it has made me feel a little better. It’s springtime now where I live and it’s getting warmer, I feel brighter mentally, more hope.
Dear Kyleena IUD,
Sorry you didn’t work out and kept giving me random cramps and spotting over the several months you were in my uterus. I was grateful to not get my period but I didn’t love the cystic acne I got either from you or from going off the pill. Getting you inserted was literally the most painful experience I’ve ever had and ever hope to have. I know what pain means because of you. I’m glad you are gone from me.
Here’s my video series on my whole painful experience: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLVG3Mo-u0NRmiIyuzoFdQnxAWVx6qKMkq
Dear Pill:
Recently, in the beggining of this year, I had to give you up. One of the new medications I started taking, related to the main health issue that i deal with (it’s called cystic fibrosis and I’ve had it since birth), specified on the prospectus that it affected the level of effectiveness you had on my body. Also, the circumstances regarding my sex life made me question if it really made sense to keep taking you every month. My current boyfriend moved to a different continent that I do (if you’d like the specifics: Argentina – Spain), so sex wasn´t going to happen frequently since we would see eachother every 6 months and have a monogamous relationship (for now, lol). So you see, given this two factors in simultanous, I made the decision to stop taking you, for the first time in 7 years (I’m 23 and been with you by my side since my 16th birthday, remember?). The situation was/is risky, even though I’m not having sex regularly (literally, about 20 times a year) because of my condition of CF and my lung capacity, I’m not able to carry on pregnancies. I can get pregnant, but not develope them to the end, if that makes sense. Anyways, that implies that if anything goes wrong with the other method I use every-single-time, that has no hormone imput (I’m from the paranoid generation: we were told that any method has it’s blind spots and to always ALWAYS wear a condom), I would have to terminate the pregnancy, acording to my doctors.
Well I’m going a little bit off topic here, but that’s not really something that stresses my mind. Sure, I would love to be able to give birth, always thought I wanted to be a mom sometime, but life’s what you get and you have to get the most of it. Also, my perspective about abortion has changed over the years, since even though in Argentina is has been legal but restricted to specific conditions (medical problems and in case of rape), we jumped on the change of paradigm that I consider the feminism to be. And maybe little me would have never had an abortion, but adult me understands that it’s totally valid since it’s OUR bodies and we have the right to make that decision.
Aaaanyways, as I was saying, dear Pill, I had to give you up and that costed me a lot of nerviousism about only relying on condoms, but I’m doing ok managing it so far. Also, my boyfrind and I talk about these things all the time and he’s commited to contribute to sostein their 98% efecctiveness rate, everytime. (We have talked about the no-pregnancy-chance too, and he’s ok with it, don’t worry.) So I realize now, with the last one of your boxes chilling on my desk since I never got to open it, I never took the time to thank you.
I always felt gratefull for having you in my life, but never sat down to write these proper gratitude words, that you truly deserve. So this is it, thanks Pill, you made my life easier. Thank you for succesfully helping me avoid getting pregnant from my first sexual partner, my high school boyfriend who was verbally abusive to me and often presured me to ditch condoms. Thanks for allowing me to get through that without having to worry about a bond linking me to that person forever (like a child would).
And after that, thank you for giving me the security net to go around finding which other partners I liked, since I had been with the same person untill I was off to college. Again, not having to worry about guys being accurate with the use of the condom so that it got to that desired 98% we all hope for. From that time I could enjoy my sexuality with partners that didn’t have such a demanging approuch to sex. I not only found non-toxic relationships, which of course I already knew existed, but also found out that non-toxic sex was also a thing. Like, I just though if you had sex with someone there was going to be this demanding manners to expect from the other person, just like the negative response if something wen’t wrong during it.
(I know, I can’t believe how little I knew about sex and relationships, but I learnt a lot from that experience, and my red flags were in shape and ready to go from that moment on, and I’m glad I developed them early in life so I get to keep them for later.)
Also I would like to thank, if you allow me, the solid health system my country offers every citizen (mostly free of charge), because it is what made it possible for me to take you all these years.
Well Pill, as you see we’ve gone a long road toghether, my friend. About all the side effects I read you could have had, I think I got the best ones. Besides the reproductive thing, you also made my tiny boobs a bit bigger, and I thank you for that. I know having been a feminist for a good few years now, I should already have deconstructed all these unreal stereotipes society norm imposes us (like being thin but also having big boobs), but I’m still working on it. I LOVE my boobs, they got back to their before-hormones-days, but they’re mine and they look cute.
You also made my periods regular as a clock (wich I really appreciated since I was having sex every week during 4 of those 7 years -the ones in which I stayed with the same partners for a long time, basically-) and also SHORT. Omg, I remember being 15 and my periods coming every 40-60 days (whenever they felt like it, apparently) and during as long as 10 days. They were never painfull but they were annoying. So Thanks for that too, Pill. The one thing you never got rid of were the mood swings, but that’s ok, you’ve done enough.
By last, I wanted to say I’m sorry for cheating on you those few times the condom slipped or broke or went for a stroll inside me (and I had to go search for it in the bathroom). I remember thaking the morning-after pill even though I was on you regularly. Forgive me, I belong to the paranoid generation, remember?
You’ve served me well, I hope some day we can meet again, lots of love.
Candela (23) from Argentina
Dear The Pill,
I wish you worked the same way you did when I was 17, but eventually you decided to be lazy and stop working by randomly making my periods last for two weeks, that was no bueno so I had to move on. I wasn’t fond of having to remember you every single day and had to remember to bring you anytime I stayed the night someone. You are too high maintenance for me.
Dear The Injection,
I wasn’t a fan of needles before I met you and you somehow made that worse. I’m pretty sure the 3 months I spent with you coursing through my body made me experience what being pregnant is like. I hated the cravings and moodiness and gaining weight (which I still haven’t managed to lose, thanks!). You took away my periods but that only made me paranoid that maybe I WAS pregnant after all. We didn’t work out and I wish I had never met you.
Dear The Ring,
When we first met I thought you were the one. It was a bit tricky to get used to you but we got along great, You were low maintenance and even though my prescriptions weren’t covered I thought you were worth it. But you managed to take my libido and stomp on it, I haven’t seen it since. And that kind of defeats the purpose of our relationship for me haha.
Dear IUD,
Maybe we can hook-up in the future, I’m still looking for the one.
Love always,
Megan
Dear my first period,
Why did you have to come when I was in Disney World? You gave me horrible cramps that I could not identify and made me feel like a woman when I just wanted to feel like a girl.
Dear my menstrual cup,
I love you. You make everything about life easier. I save money, help the planet, and forget about the blood that is being squeezed out of my vagina 😘
Dear the pill,
You got rid of my hormonal acne. Enough said.
Dear my coil in shining armour,
Since my periods started at age 13 I struggled for years with heavy and painful bleeding each month. Eventually a trip to the GP was in order and there I was placed on the combination pill as the first attempt at calming down my periods a bit. A few days after starting the pill I was on a school trip to Weston-super-Mare with my best friend Sophie, unfortunately half way through the coach journey Sophie ended up covered in my vomit… Long story short, (after many vomiting experiences) I eventually found out that I was intolerant to all types of contraceptive pill. I suffer from a chronic health condition that often causes drug intolerances – so this is most likely the cause. As we realised that my body was not a fan of hormones flying all over the place, the best option was to go for a localised attack. As a result, I had you, my Mirena Coil, implanted as you my darling would deliver the progesterone directly to my uterus, therefore hopefully not upsetting other parts of my body. I have now been with you for 3 years and love you to pieces. You were there for me when no one else could be, you’ve always had my back and have been a loyal trustworthy friend for all of our time together. Thanks again my coil and here is to many more period free years!
With all my love,
Lucy x
Dear PCOS,
You’ve caused me an exhausting year and a half of my life and you haven’t even been officially diognosed. I’ve been told you’re probably there, but it’s also possible you’re not. Which I think is unfair because you have put me through so much, yet you “could not be there.” The first thing you did was make me constantly miss periods, then because of those my doctors found… a cyst! Which is you! and to think they saw that and still think it may not be you when they looked at you in the ultrasound. You, yes you, there on my ovary, the size of a golf ball. And because of this and you, I have had to go on the pill. Even though you have caused me so much stress and time, I am actually forever grateful for you. The pill has changed my life in ways that I did not think it needed changing, and that never would have happened to me if you, you stubborn little brat, did not come into my life. The pill has made me actually have a regular period cycle (yay!) which was non existent before, they happen to be light, short periods, my mood swings are less existent, my cramps are manageable with an ibuprofen, and considering I don’t want to be pregnant at the moment, they help me with that too. It also helps control you! That way I don’t need to have surgery when you come back around and you can simply go away on your own. I love being on the pill, but somedays I hate that it is solely because of you. And as much as you make my life hell with the ultrasounds and blood work, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Dear my PCOS,
I wish I’d known when I first got a period at thirteen how this was going to be. At fourteen bleeding through four or five layers of clothes. At fifteen, cramps so bad I couldn’t walk. At sixteen these were joined by fainting, vomiting, dizziness. Regular periods became irregular, paranoia as thirty day cycles turned into fifty plus day cycles. At sixteen I was put on the lovely rigevidon. Only it wasn’t so lovely, although I couldn’t see it, it stripped away who I was. After three years I stopped taking my pills, desperate to remember how things felt before it, only instead nothing happened. Multiple doctors appointments followed for the next year, eventually concluding with a tense gp appointment where I was told the doctor I was seeing wasn’t bothered it had been over a year without a period, after all it wasn’t like I was trying for a baby. Despite this I managed to get a referral to gynae. It was at this appointment I first heard your name, PCOS. Then the ultrasound followed, a day I don’t even like to think about, where my treatment by staff left me feeling self conscious and embarrassed. The day before my results appointment and my periods back, like some kind of sick joke. The next appointment and it was confirmed, It was you all along PCOS. And instead of relief I felt anger, depression. Accepting, though it is not the case, that I would never be a mother.
Over time I’ve begun to accept you as part of me, or rather, ignore you. But it’s hard to ignore the spots, the weight gain, the excessive hair growth.
I wish I could’ve known at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. Known why my period was worse than all my friends, been able to explain to my teachers that my cramps were not simply an excuse, but the result of a medical condition. I wish that the first line of action wasn’t the pill, wished that it wasn’t still the first line of action all these years later to treat you PCOS. I wish people’s reactions weren’t always “Aw you can still have kids though!”, as if I don’t know it’s the biggest cause of female infertility.
I wish I could know for sure my future involved children and happiness, without the nightmare periods you give me. But I can’t ever know that. But what I can know is that although I wish I didn’t have you, you’ve actually been with me my whole life. So if one thing at least you’re committed.
Hopefully one day I won’t ignore you, maybe we can even be friends. Until then, see ya later PCOS.
You put my thoughts into words.
Dear vulvodynia,
You made your first appearance when I started having sex. I thought that kind of pain was normal at first, but it didn’t go away. In fact, you decided to make things gradually worse. I just put up with you, because I thought that if I saw a doctor they would tell me to ‘try to relax’ or ‘its all in your head.’ But then this year I had my IUD inserted, and during that procedure, I experienced the worst pain of my life, so painful that they ended up having to knock me out to get it in. After that, you thought it would be fun to flare up even more, giving me constant pain that I couldn’t even sleep most nights. You got so bad, that I ended up having to go to the ER, where I had to have several pelvic examinations that resulting in me screaming and crying because the pain was so unbearable. The doctor wanted to remove the IUD, saying ‘if its causing you this much pain, its not the right contraception for you’, even though the pain was in my vagina, not my uterus. After being in hospital for a whole day, no one knew what was wrong with me, so I got sent home drugged up on painkillers which did absolutely nothing. Weeks passed, and you were still making my life hard, so I decided I couldn’t live like this anymore and went to see a doctor who finally told me what was happening. Vulvodynia. Now I’m using estrogen cream and seeing a physio to hopefully get rid of you for good. I hate that you cause so many people pain, yet no one ever talks about it, because vaginas are still so taboo.
Dear my whole goddamn body,
Why must you treat me like this. Simultaneously in this very moment I’m suffering from a terrible migraine, tit ache, overall body soreness, acne, bloated as hell, and some serious cravings. But the best part is, my period is 10 days late! And no I’m not pregnant (it’s been a reasonably dry season). This is about the fourth one in a row where it’s been well over a week late. Oh, but when it hits, it’s similar to the Hoover Dam breaking. You know when at first it isn’t bad just a little crack and manageable. Then the whole dam breaks down and now there’s water everywhere and people are panicking and running around screaming. Yes. That’s the equivalent of my period. Also, I must mention I’m 16 years old so IT SHOULDN’T BE THIS BAD. I can only hope that my mother will remember to make me my first gynocologist appointment and hope for the best.
Sincerely,
Fiona
P.S. stop making me have to change my lady items every 2 hrs on the second day of hell. <3
Dear Tampons,
I think that you’re great. But I wish I could figure out how to use you. I’ve had my period for 7 years now and I just can’t quite figure out how to put you into my vagina. I bet you make it really easy to swim, so go you!
Dear uterus,
Why do you want to kill me? I’ve done nothing bad to you at all and yet you cause me so much pain! I remember one particular time when the faithful period arrived at it was day three, I was practically bed ridden because of the pain you caused me and I wanted to clean up in the flat but couldn’t. The only good thing that came from the pain you caused is my best friend coming over to mine with a large bar of galaxy cookie crumble and spooning whilst watching Hannibal and Out of Sight. Sadly the pain got worse and started to effect my life since I would be in rehearsals for shows and have to stop during a scene to lie down because of your excruciating pain, so I decided to get you a buddy called nexplanon aka the implant. Now when the faithful period arrives, it’s all Gucci and I’m not bedridden.
Dear Vagina,
I am worried that you are cursed.
The first time I had sex, you gave me a yeast infection. The second time I had sex, you and Uterus teamed up to give me a pregnancy scare by having my period come ten days late. The third time I had sex, you– well, alright, that time was pretty good. BUT THE FOURTH TIME I HAD SEX, you gave me a UTI!
I’m always safe, and I always practice good hygiene, so… why do these things keep happening?
With love (and great concern),
-B
Dearest Uterus:
We really had each other figured out there for awhile. Getting up in the middle of the night to change a tampon every two hours was never ideal but at least we had a routine! You were cool and regular in your own funky way. Every 5 weeks wasnt a problem bc you always gave fair warning (ie. the boob alarm and premenstrual cramps). Plus, you were kinda cool w taking a week off when things were too stressful. I always appreciated that. Sorry about that brief encounter w the pill. Neither one of us was thrilled and I shouldn’t have tried to tell you what to do. It made me cry way too easily too. It was for the best that I just let you be you.
Dear Endometriosis:
Why did you have to come and screw things up? Uterus and I were chillin. I even figured out the Diva Cup. Things were good!! But of course, good old fashion DNA rolled up and grew a nice tennis ball sized ovarian cyst and a fibroid on my pal uterus over there. Not cool. Now my period is way longer. Still starts the right day, but 3 weeks of spotting isnt what I call “regular”. Tbh I’d rather have 7 days of crazy town like before and then not worry about it. Now idk what to use. Also a whole 3 weeks of pain isnt cool. Dont make me get surgery bc I dont have time for that. If Uterus were in charge, she would have understood.
Dear Overnight Ultrathin Pad with Wings,
They keep telling me you’re dated, out of style, that you feel like a diaper, but they’ve got you all wrong. You Always do your job without complaining, and you never make me have to worry about toxic shock syndrome. You provide ample coverage, and on occasion I’ve even had cause to remark that you’ve had my back… side. Sure you may chafe in a spot or two at times, but overall you’re doing a fine job.
Dear birth control pills,
It was kind of a pain that it took five times and three years to get you right, but not starting to bleed in the middle of presentations, summer concerts, or trying to fall asleep makes it worth it. I remember how many hours I spent holding ice packs to myself, sleeping to pass time, waiting for minutes to go by to take more pain relievers, and how many articles of clothing I ruined. I also remember wishing to go to school rather than being in excruciating pain. Those days are gone. Because of you, my entire quality of life isn’t tainted by two days of torture with dibilitating pain and enough blood to transfuse into another person. It’s a shame that you’re still so misunderstood. Sincerely, a high school senior who can’t afford to miss.
Dear low-dose hormonal contraceptive pill,
I still think of you. It’s been nearly three years since I switched to a higher dose that actually works with my body. But yes, I remember the times we had together well.
It’s true. You reduced my cramping. You helped me have regular periods. My acne calmed down. And, had I been sexually active during those three months (I was not), I’m sure you would have done your job there as well.
But the MORNING SICKNESS (aka ALL DAY SICKNESS…this stuff doesn’t just happen in the AM). For the three months we were together, dear pill, you made yourself known. You helped me understand the importance of contraception to begin with, by teaching me what the first trimester of pregnancy feels like. Thanks for that. <3
As much as I loved carrying around a plastic "barf bag" to all my classes the first three months of graduate school. As much as I loved dry heaving over the toilet at all times of day. As much as I loved constantly thinking I had a stomach bug or that I was just nervous or that this was normal for a 22-year-old…our time together had to end.
And so, dear low-dose hormonal contraception, I think of you often. But I do not think of you fondly. I'm much happier now with my regular-strength pills, and they've served me well these past three years. This is the long-term relationship I'm sticking to.
But thanks for being my first. You were…well…you did your job.
Love,
Katie
Dear My Period,
Can you… not? I’m a boy. You make me angry and achey, but mostly you fill me with so much dysphoria I almost wish I didn’t exist. Dealing with you is an almost daily struggle, and when it’s not you it’s the other parts of my body I wish were different. I will continue doing everything I can to stop you, or at least minimize your harm.
Thanks for nothing,
Trevor
Dear Cervical Ectropion,
I wish more people knew about you. A quick search through the other diaries shows that I may be the only one, but that’s okay. Mostly I selfishly wish you were more well-known because it would mean having more people to talk about it besides my family doctor. And maybe I wouldn’t have been so scared when I was first diagnosed.
You really did scare me. About a month after my IUS was first inserted, you would cause excessive bleeding whenever I had sex, and you made my periods last for ages. I was scared that my IUS had shifted and perforated my uterus. I was scared that I’d never be able to have children. I was scared when I consulted my family doctor, and after a quick look he gave me the diagnosis and a prescription to abstain from sex for 6 weeks. The 6 weeks did not help, and so I was terrified when I required surgery to cauterize my cervix (I still get shivers thinking about that procedure), and an additional 8 weeks of abstinence. You haven’t reared your head since, but the doctor’s all say that you’ll be back. I hope I’m ready when that happens.
But I also need to thank you. You have driven me to seek out a career in healthcare so that I might help others who were just as scared as I was in the beginning. You also taught me to be more observant of my body. Finally, you helped me see just how lucky I am to have my partner – someone who’s not uncomfortable talking about cervixes, cleaning up my blood, or finding new and exciting ways to be intimate.
Until next time,
Alex
Dear Implanon,
I fucking love you, Truly, I do. As a forgetful and extremely lazy person, I always knew the pill never was going to be for me. And as soon as I learned about your existence at the ripe of age 14, I told my mom that I was going to get you when I turned 16. And I did. Literally on my 16th birthday. You have worked so well over the years, stopping any chance of a baby. But even better than that you stopped my periods! I am vaginal-blood free and happy, so happy that I’ve recently got my second one of you!
I mean, we did go through a little bit of a rough patch. Just for a few months in the middle, constantly spotting and never stopping. I didn’t know what I had done wrong. Did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to.
So I went to my GP. He had me do multiple tests to see whether there was a problem that was affecting how you work. So I did them, trying to fix you. Our relationship had worked so well up to this point, and I wanted to go back to the good ‘ole days. I didn’t want our time together to end. But as I was constantly bleeding through all these tests and there were no results that explained why our dynamic had changed, I had to do it. I asked my GP to end our relationship.
“I refuse to take out your Implanon until you’re on another birth control.”
Huh? Is this really happening? At the moment I was so stunned I didn’t know what to say. I froze and nodded. But after I left the room, the anger hit me. How dare he thinks he has ownership over my body. How dare he ignore my request as his client to remove something from my own body that was giving me grief, because he thinks I need to be on another birth control. And for what? So I don’t get pregnant? Condoms exist, a perfectly acceptable form of birth control that doesn’t require my body to be flooded with foreign hormones. He felt condescending, making me feel like I was some sort of slut that would immediately get pregnant if I took out her. My Implanon.
But you understood. I feel like that was the deciding moment. You understood my feelings, how I never wanted to go back to that man again who thought his opinion on my body was more important than my own. So our relationship went back to normal again. You stopped acting out, bleeding constantly, and instead let me enjoy the period-free life once more.
So.
Dear Implanon,
Thank you.
Dear my ex GP.
Fuck you.
Love Jade.
Dear Seasonale,
You are worth every frustrating phone call with the insurance agency. You are worth the repeated refill requests that sometimes get lost or misplaced. You are worth every cent and I am so grateful for what you’ve done for me.
We hit it off when I was a 19 year old girl who would have given anything not to vomit every month. You eliminated all pain, nausea, constipation, and periods entirely. You restored my sanity. You evened me out in a way I didn’t know I needed. I trust my hormones and emotions more when we’re together. Those hellish times that we’re apart are a nightmare and I’m so grateful that (so far) you’ve always returned to me as effective as ever.
Now in this new stage of life, newly married and terrified of getting pregnant, you’ve proven yourself time and again. And again. And again (ha).
Here’s to another six years!
All my love,
Addie
Dear CHEAP ASS PILL, when I first heard about you, i didn’t trust you at all. I live in Bolivia, and when people talked about a 16 bolivianos pill (that equates to less than 2 pounds) i thought that for that price you wouldn’t work, or be made with weird chemicals. After losing my virginity and being advised by my mum friend to use you like she has for years, you surprisingly work. You are made by the state to be accessible to women with fewer resources and i respect the fuck out of that. You made me feel like i was going crazy with the mood swings the first few weeks. I’ve been taking you religiously for four months now, and you have made my periods lighter (they were light to begin with) but that seem even more annoying because they could simply stop, but they don’t. You also made me get acne, which sucks, and my vaginal discharge is somehow heavier. All things considered, i don’t hate you. You do your job and help thousands of women with less resources to take control of their contraception. But tomorrow morning I’m booking an appointment to discuss the implant. No hard feelings pill, it’s not you, it’s me.
Dear Conceptrol,
Thank you for keeping me pregnancy free the last 3 years! I know that spermicides aren’t the best choice for everyone, but you are for me. For me personally, hormonal birth control isn’t exactly an option, so you are the next best thing. Plus, I don’t have to worry about condoms breaking! And no unexpected babies! So anyway, thank you for all you do. And here’s to many more years together!
Cheers,
Anastasia
Dear Bacterial Vaginitis,
I thought you were just regular discharge. I wasn’t educated on what regular discharge was supposed to look like. But then like I decide to have sex after 4 years without it and I bleed… so I guess I’ve had you for awhile. Maybe even for more than 4 years because I had the same issues before. Maybe you show up every once in awhile and I assumed you were just part of my cycle. I’m going to have to bid you goodbye. I’m getting treatment tomorrow. I’m hoping I won’t have to see you again. Because it’s quite painful to experience during sex. Also just plain awkward to explain.
Dear Period,
I’d like to say we’ve had a good run and maybe that’s a little bit true. You’ve shown up every month since the week after my 12th birthday and very few women can say that, but soon you and I will be calling it quits. For several years, you didn’t really bother me. I’m grateful for that. Despite my extensive disordered eating in high school and college, you never left. I’m grateful for that too. For so long, you and I went pretty well together, but we both know what’s coming. I really tried to bear with you after my anemia diagnosis. I thought that maybe next month you wouldn’t leave me feeling faint, nauseous, and dizzy. After all, we’d had so many a-okay times together. Then the cramps started. For months, I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, I could hardly stand up because I was in so much pain. Suddenly, you were forcing me into frequent bathroom trips, outfit changes at the most inconvenient times and missed classes.
Things have settled down a little bit, but we’re still not what we used to be. I’m in a serious relationship now and between that and the issues you’ve caused me, I think it’s time for me to say goodbye. I have hope that one day you and I can live harmoniously once again, but for now I just need some time for myself.
Dear my copper coil,
Thank you for many years of pain and stress
and thank you for the peace of mind!
From 13 yrs old I had a 5 day period every 4 weeks like clockwork. At 17 I was anxiety ritten and going through a low point in life that made me cautious to try any contraception after reading many can cause depression and the many other side effects! From nausea to headaches.
I went into my NHS GP and sat down with the doctor and we discussed my options and she said she was happy I’d come in to talk. When I mentioned I wanted nothing hormonal, it left us with 4 options – condoms, diaphragm, copper coil or sterilisation. We agreed on the coil and I was told the risks and within 3 weeks I had it implanted.
Well, it hurt,it hurt alot.
I cried outside the GPs surgery in my car because the cramps were awful!
I bled constantly for 3 weeks as it settled, the cramps were unbearable.
As normal, life continued and I needed painkillers to get through college or work.
My periods became 14 days long and so painful that some days I couldn’t walk.
After putting up with it for a yr I went back to my doctor and said I was done,get it out.
She said I can take it out anytime and to try and persevere through it. I left with 100 tablets of painkillers and never touched them.
4 years on, my periods are back to 5 days every 4 weeks.
Over that time, I moved to Australia and went in to the doctor for common BV and I was highly encourage to come back and get a pap smear as girls will begin having them at 16 or 18 here. I was surprised and he made a point to say that as I have the coil, I should especially have a pap.
The down side is though I have insurance here in Aus, I still need to pay to have an appointment and tests.
But over 4 years,I haven’t worried about pregnancy a wink and for 2 years I have pretty much forgotten I’m on contraception and the best bit: I won’t need to consider my next step or if I’d like kids until I’m 27.
Overall, my coil, you gave me years of grief and years of a peaceful mind. Cheers.
Dear Menstrual Cup,
Thank you for helping me to realise just how abnormally heavy my periods were, and giving me the impetus to do something about it.
Much love,
Nearly ‘Normal’
Dear Sea Sponge Tampons,
You’re the best, thanks for existing. Sorry that more people don’t know about you and that you’re not exactly FDA approved. That’s the only reason I don’t recommend you to every menstruating person I know. But I continue to use you even though I have to purchase you from websites that aren’t legally allowed to use the word “tampon” to describe you. You’re just that much better for me than every other menstrual product I’ve ever used.
Love,
Sarah
Dear Doctors,
Why don’t you believe me when I tell you things? For years you asked me if I was having sex, I told you no, and you never believed me. Now you ask if I’m pregnant, I tell you no, and you never believe me and insist on having me take a test anyway. Why even ask?
Sincerely,
Sarah
Dear IUD,
I’m thinking about getting one of you inserted into my cervix. Several of my friends have done it and they only have good things to say. But you squick me out. Trying the shot for now, talk to you again in three months.
Best,
Sarah
Dear body, I don’t understand you. It is not the fragility that scares me, it is the strength. The fact that I could grow a person feels like a superpower that doesn’t yet belong to me. Though you are fully grown, I still feel like a little girl lost in the grocery store; I know that I could buy something because that’s what you do in stores, but I don’t have money and I don’t know what I would buy. I do not feel woman yet because the world is so big, and sometimes I think that maybe if I could just learn a bit more–grow a bit taller–I would know that my body belongs to me. You see, I understand the rules of this game, but I don’t understand how to play by them.
Dear Endometriosis,
Can you please stop growing into cysts and causing me excruciating pain even when I’m not on my period? You make me terrified to have sex as insertion is extremely painful and I am embarrassed by you. When my period comes I can barely function at all and am lucky to continue with a normal day because of the terrible pain you cause. Although it is nice to know you aren’t just involved with me but with many other people, you are causing terrible strain on my life and you aren’t giving me any info as to why you exist and how to stop you from spreading! Please give me a break am only 20 I would greatly appreciate it xxx
Dear anorgasmia,
How will I ever get rid of you… To be honest, I don‘t even know if you‘re the problem. However, for some reason I can‘t enjoy sex at all. I guess it all started when I got my period with 12 and pretty much from the beginning struggled with hypermenorrhea and after some awkward public bleeding accidents (one at my piano recital, that‘s always a good story to tell) and fainting a lot started taking the Qlaira pill when I was 15. That kinda worked, my period wasn‘t as bad but I struggled with depression so ended up coming of the pill when I was 17. Then I got with my first boyfriend and you decided to make yourself at home. I was always interested in sex and pictured myself really enjoying it, but you had other plans. Maybe you got help from my anxiety, maybe it‘s all in my head, maybe this all comes from a trauma that I once experienced when I was 13 and my hymen ripped in a not so great way, maybe you are just part of me and there is nothing I can do, or maybe you‘re not who I think you are and in fact I have no clue what‘s wrong with me… I appreciate your effort in trying to protect me but I think I can get it from here, especially with the help of my boyfriend. I know I shouldn‘t feel guilty because of you but he‘s so great and understanding and I wish I could share sex with him without tensing up, hurting, hyperventilating or having a panic attack. I think it would be really nice to actually enjoy sex… So if you don‘t mind, I would be so happy to say goodbye to you, all the love, Andrina
Dear contraceptive implant,
You seemed like the perfect solution. A fifteen minute procedure and I would be able to have all the sex I wanted, worry free, for the next three years. Sure I’ve never liked needles, but it would be worth it, no having to remember to take the pill every day, no having to worry if the condom would break or slip off, and best of all there was a chance you’d help with my periods! It seemed like an easy decision, so, I got you inserted. You left a really awesome bruise that changed colour wonderfully over the next two weeks, and I could feel you when I pressed down, which I thought was cool but freaked out a lot of people, and everything seemed good. Then school started and things went downhill fast. I had always had anxiety, and to the frustration of many people around me, I let it have a rather large impact on my choices, but this was worse than I had ever had before. I couldn’t breathe, my hands would shake and I felt like I had just run 5km when I was standing still. Then the depression symptoms hit. I had no motivation to get out of bed, the activities that had driven me and that I had been passionate about for so long seemed like a waste of energy, so I missed trainings, I let my injuries overcome me, using them as an excuse to sit out, but not putting in any effort to fix them, so they got worse. I let my school work pile up, putting it off again and again, because I told myself I didn’t have the energy, letting the guilt that brewed when I began to drop in grades only further my frustration, because I just didn’t know where to begin. Then the bleeding started. For a month blood leaked out of me constantly, until I had no possible clue how there was anything left inside me, and I went back to the doctor. To counterbalance the effect that the hormones in the implant were having on me, I would be taking more hormones, because the doctor didn’t want to remove it yet, because it had only been two months. These stopped the bleeding, but they didn’t help with everything else, for four more months I continued taking these pills every day, and while I had grown more accustomed, every day felt like an effort. My boyfriend was dealing with his own issues at the time, and I could feel myself pulling away, not supporting him like I knew I should be, so I made the decision. I had to get this thing out of my arm. I have now been on the pill for two months and things seem to be going much smoother. I only bleed once a month, and it is significantly lighter than it was. My mental health still isn’t the same as it was before, but I am in control of it now at the very least.
Overall, I’m not bitter about my experience with the implant, while it definitely did not work for me, I choose to believe that I was just unlucky in this circumstance. It opened me up to the world of LARCs, and I am interested in trying other alternatives in the future, but for now, I think the pill is meeting my needs. My experience was one of learning, gaining more understanding of how my body and my reproductive system work, and learning to take control of my choices for myself, which in total, is something that I wouldn’t take back.
Dear Implant,
Thank you for making my nomadic life a bit less stressful. I have used you now for over three years and just got you replaced for the first time in June and you’ve always been a friend.
Because of you, I have been able to travel and move without needing to figure out how to get the pill in my various homes. I have also not had a period in the entire time you’ve been with me, so I haven’t had to deal with finding supplies abroad (tampons don’t seem to be as popular in some places outside of the US and the diva cup scares me) or being on my period when I go on my adventures.
I’m glad not to have to think about my birth control regime or period schedule on a regular basis.
Also, you’re not as scary or painful to be inserted or removed.
Cheers,
Maddie
Dear my period,
Hey. It’s been a few days since I last saw you. Thank you for leaving around the same time as usual. I don’t look forward to seeing you in a month. That being said, thank you for being on time every month. I know I complain about you a lot, but I am thankful for you. If I ever want to create biological children, I can count on you to keep my body ready for that.
I’m a person who needs organization in their life, and I’m grateful that you have a schedule that you (mostly) stick to. I respect that. You’re also not usually too painful. Obviously I get cramps, sore boobs (omg), acne, backpain, and more; but it’s usually manageable. (I’m reading this back and it does not sound fun) Still, thanks for being kinder to me than you have been to some people.
We need to talk about all the clothes and furniture you’ve painted red. It’s too much. I doesn’t happen very often anymore, but I still feel bad about it. I’ve ruined countless pairs of underwear, a few pairs of pants, two of my sibling’s beds, or theatre chair, and much more I’m sure. That’s quite heartless of you. You’ve cost me and my family lots of money- for all the stuff you’ve ruined, and all the basic necessities needed to survive a week where you bleed your guts out. Every month. Shame on you.
I’m not sure what else to say. I don’t enjoy you, but I see why you’re here. You suck, but I want kids, and I have a vagina, so I guess I’ll just have to deal with you. Please don’t make my life any harder than it already is. Just stay in line and on time. Thank you.
Sincerely,
One of the many bodies you take over every month
Dear Kyleena:
Since our one-year anniversary has just passed, I want to tell you that I love you. So much. You were the first hormonal birth control I’ve ever tried, and I’m glad I took the chance on you. Thank you for not almost killing me the way my best friend’s NuvaRing almost killed her, because that was scary and put me off wanting to try any hormonal methods for years. Thank you for letting me bone my perfect boyfriend without having to mess around with condoms and for chilling out up there preventing babies all on your own without any effort from me. I suck at taking pills.
Thank you for not giving me any really terrible side effects – I’ll do you a solid the way you’ve done for me and attribute the weight gain to adopting perfect boyfriend’s terrible diet while completely abandoning any previous semblance of an exercise routine and the acne to failing to renew the prescription from my dermatologist. Thank you for stopping my periods even though they weren’t even that bad to begin with, because now I don’t have to remember to buy tampons and dedicate half of my minuscule bathroom cupboard to them.
I love you, and I hope that my country’s shit government doesn’t succeed in taking away mandatory insurance coverage of you, so that I can replace you with your twin in 4 years’ time. I will continue to sing your praises to anyone who asks and support politicians and organizations that support everyone’s access to you and your friends.
<3
Daar vagina,
We’ve had quite the adventure didn’t we… the pill, to yeast infections every month and off to the ciol that made we feel like my uterus was falling out.
I’m so glad that we made the call that hormones are a big mess and no synthetic hormone can fix that. We know this because I insisted that we needed to get the ciol the straighten are hormonal imbalance that got my the yeast infection each freaking month… but before we talk about that story let’s start from the beginning not all the way to the beginning but let say when we we’re 15 years old (2010). You made me have such heavy and such painful periods I though going on the pill was going to be the answer… my mom said NO, she thought it should only be used to prevent pregnancy… not straightening out those hormones. When you finally gave sex a go (2011) with the (still current) love of our life our mom was still hesitant… so I went to the doctors myself. I loved the pill, everybody should get on the pill. Let’s fast forward to when we were going to uni. We had so much fun but you didn’t… from 2012 till 2015 yeast came into our lives… it was so painfull. Every month medicine, each time we tried the medicine the yeast would come back sooner. Natural remedies that would solve it all… so I shaved a vaginal douche in side you, still so sorry for the trauma, and rinsed you out with salt water. Au, au.. salt and wounds don’t really go together…. we talked to our doctor, it must be the hormones from the pill. This can cause daily fluctuation. I had no idea, nobody told me this side of the pill. The ciol must be the answer (2015) but the pain of placing it, and the cramps ow those cramps. After 2 years my ciol became like a little stubborn bastard, but you should know. We could hug or have sex in certain positions, it was too painfull especially for you. I hated you both mostly my intestines because I had such a hard time going number 2 or even passing gass. You warned me I know… so 4 months ago (22-06-2018) I had the mirena removed. My doctor even recalled that it was already wearing off. Thank God you warned me even though a little note would have been fine too.
We are currently working on our relationship and trying to figure all of the hormones out. Reading a lot of books has helped us repair our relationship like taking charge of your fertility and woman code. It feel so empowering to go through this journey together.
The adventures we’ve been on and the adventures we will make. I love you.
Nadine
Dear Combination Birth Control Pill,
I wish I had known about what you did sooner. Thanks to the abstinence-only education I received in my Nebraska high school, I didn’t get to learn about any forms of contraception whatsoever. I knew that you controlled birth, but I had no idea that you would ease up the periods that were so heavy that I would spend a week out of every month in fear that I would bleed through my clothes at school. It wasn’t an unfounded fear. I missed class time waiting for my mother to bring in spare sets of clothes, I avoided activities that meant I would have to be away from a bathroom for more than an hour. To top it off, my period was wildly irregular and could strike at any time of the month. It was a constant storm cloud of fear hanging over my head.
I wish I had known about what you did when I developed IBS right after I graduated high school. I didn’t know that the birth control pill reduced the amount of “prostaglandins,” a chemical that causes the contractions of smooth muscle. While usually directed at the smooth muscle, those prostaglandins went on their own little mission to contract the smooth muscle of my colon, which is exactly what I needed when I already had IBS anyway.
When I finally reached a point of desperation three years ago when I couldn’t stand up straight when a cramp hit, I did my own research. I discovered that you could solve all of my problems, giving me lighter periods, less painful and crampy periods, and a period that arrived like clockwork on a regular schedule.
You aren’t perfect. My IBS still bothers me more when my period is on my way. But you put in a pretty good effort of making sure I’m at least not horribly ill every single month. You made my boobs bigger when I didn’t particularly need the help. I have to remember to take you at the same time every day, but luckily for you my chronic illness means I’m already bound to a medication schedule anyway. I live in the United States, which means if I for some reason lost my health insurance I wouldn’t be able to afford you any more.
Nonetheless, I’ll never regret putting my foot down in the doctor’s office when she tried to prescribe yet another pill for the pain instead of prescribing me you. Although living every day with a colon that is out to fight the world is not ideal, you make it slightly less of a misery.
Thank you.
Dear Meluna Cup,
You have been a life-saver for me.
Before I found you, I will never forget the time when I woke up in the middle of the night with blood on my clothes, sheets and stained through to the mattress and I broke down crying thinking that at 25 yrs of age, I should have figured out how to do this right by now. It was a low point for me and after I was done with the scrubbing, I got on the internet. I remember looking for plastic bed sheets, the kind they use with bed wetting babies, before I got sucked into the web of all the many options.
My first experience with a random menstrual cup that I got on amazon, was a disaster. But I’m glad that I gave it another chance and after a lot of research on the sizes, feel, softness, etc I found you.
You have made me feel so proud of myself. I think of you when I need a reminder that I am strong, and willing to take chances, and am saving the environment too in my own small way.
Thanks for everything.
Dear my period,
Thanks for being easy and bliss full, all be it slightly un-predictable.
You may not come the same time every month.
Sometimes early sometimes late but you always make a short visit in my week and leave without many immediate effects (if I do my part in exercising, so I guess its a healthy balanced relationship. I do my part you do yours.) until……..a few weeks later when you like to make my body ache!!
That is not very nice I wish you could not.
But overall thanks for being a all round great gal! xx
Dear libido,
Where have you gone?? Is this some sort of blessing in disguise – did you know my partner and I would have to be long-distance for a year so you just left to accommodate that? I appreciate the foresight, but if that were the case, I suspect you would have returned when I visited my partner – which did not happen. I miss you!
I mean, I know why you’ve left – it’s the SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor) antidepressants. And I have spoken with my doctor about this, whose response was that this happens with some people for SSRIs, but that usually people prefer it to the previous. And that is true, I do – but it does seem ridiculous to me that in order to have decent mental health, I must never want sex again! It’s okay, libido. We’re going back soon, and we’ll try to find a compromise, okay?
A positive is that I can now empathise with adults on the asexuality spectrum more, so I appreciate that. It is fascinating being in this world filled with marketing and media centred on sexual desire when you have little to no feeling towards them (and as a bisexual, there used to be many feelings).
But I would like to want to have sex again. If you please.
Kind Regards,
Susie
(And on a more positive note!)
Dear THINX,
BLESS YOU. THANK YOU. Where have you been all my life?! Why did I pay so much money for tampons and pads and bloodied underwear when I could have had you all along? I feel comfortable and safe, and not at all scared by the concept of a menstrual cup. You wonderful company, brilliant underwear you. Thank you for soaking the seeming gallons of blood that pour from my body away from me and my clothes.
Fond Regards,
An adoring fan xoxo <3
Dear Mentrual Cup,
thank you for being in my life.
I know, I was reluctant to get to know you at first at first and I didn’t want to try you out. Some things just seem susbicious at first, you know. However, since my want to produce less waste gave me a good push torwards your round glory, I’ve been deeply in love with you. You have cleared me from many bad habits – leaving in tampons way to long, because I hated changing them, for example. You have also only ruined one pair of underwear, whereas my pads have failed me many times. You don’t dry up my vagina with bleached cotton, you don’t cost anything after the first investment. You have even eased my cramps (no idea how that works though). You are truely the fix I was looking for, and it’s been so cool to track how much blood my body produces – we do science together. I must admit, I don’t love your leavender colour, that was cheapest, but I don’t have to look at you much, so that worked out alright.
I hope we can be together forever – or at least 10 years until I will replace you with a new one, as recommended.
Yours truely,
Pauline
Dear my combined pill,
We’ve been together a few years now and I’m still not sure if you work. I mean, you definitely work- I’m not pregnant and you keep my periods away. About a year ago now I decided to take you continuously and I’ve only had slight spotting since, which has disappeared altogether now. But are you actually good for me? I don’t know. I haven’t questioned this because you give me what I want.
Am I fatigued because of you? Or is that because I work 6 days a week? Am I anxious and sometimes depressed because of you? Or is that from traumatic events like my Dad’s suicide? Or is that even my genetics and I’m stuck with those? Are my sexual urges weakening because of you? Or is that because I haven’t had sex or any romantic interest for 6 months? Are my emotions getting flat because of you? Or is that because I’m not in my teens anymore? Does my body respond to things in a normal way, or is that you?
I wish I knew how to tell. I wish I didn’t have to take hormones that affect how I am as a person just to keep my monster periods away. Is it time to try something else? Is skipping my periods on purpose the healthiest thing I could be doing? Trying anything new is risking an even bigger imbalance.
I wish I knew, oh I wish I knew.
Dear Body,
We need to talk.
I know it isn’t your fault that you aren’t working properly, and that I’m hurting. Bad things happen.
In the beginning, three years ago, I thought that what I was feeling was just a plain mean std – that a couple of weeks on antibiotics would do the trick. How wrong I was! Now, three years, 6 doctors, a multitude of meds, and 5 different diets later – I finally have some answers, but you and I still feel shitty.
Long story short: There’s something wrong with my liver, but I don’t know what the problem is yet. I’m actually going to get the necessary tests done today (wish me luck!).
And because there is something wrong with my liver, it is secreting too much SHBG (Sex Hormone Binding Globulin), and because I have almost triple the amount that I should have, my Testosterone is getting all bound up, leaving me with way too little Free Testosterone.
This leads to almost constant burning pain in my Vulva, within the Vestibule, past Hart’s Line (which is an area that depends on Free Testosterone). Say goodbye to sex, riding my bicycle, and having peace of mind!
The other thing that the sick liver leads to is a body that isn’t properly detoxifying, sooo you and I have been saddled with recurring yeast infections for the last few years. And when I say recurring, I mean like, every month or so.
And, because of the hormonal imbalance, periods are a nightmare.
I can deal with tender breasts, the mood swings, even the headaches; but the cramps! The CRAMPS! It’s like being under the Crucio curse. The only thing I’ve found that is actually able to alleviate the intense pain is Marijuana. If on the day of my period, I don’t wake up and immediately vape, than the pain kicks in.
Let me explain what that’s like; it feels like someone is clawing at me on the inside, and it’s so painful, that my body can’t really handle it so I break into cold sweats and blackout unless I’m lying down (sometimes even then).
At the same time, I get the unavoidable urge too go poo. So I end up lying down on the bathroom floor, right by the toilet, crying and shrieking.
The first two days of my period are like that. Needless to say, I can’t go to uni on days like these.
I can’t do anything but lie in bed all day.
I also have that severe vitamin D defficiency going on… I wonder what that’s about, and what it’s doing.
Body, I know it isn’t your fault, but sometimes it feels like it is. Being bipolar is rough enough on it’s own, but it’s completely taken a backseat to all this other stuff we’re dealing with. Sometimes I wonder why we can’t be like everyone else… Why my friends can drink, and smoke cigarettes, and eat junkfood and party, and they’re fine! While you and I don’t feel well, even when we’re totally avoiding unhealthy things. It’s just the way things are.
But I’m not giving up! You and I deserve to be healthy and happy, and I promise I will get us there — just as long as you agree to help, even a little. Because in the end, I can’t do this without you. And even though you’ve caused me so much pain and misery, you’re my Body, and I love you.
Dear failed contraception,
How you threw the biggest curveball into my life. It was probably partially my own fault too lets be honest, never having used a form of contraception other than condoms due to lack of information and pure anxiety over talking to someone about it. But that one time you fail and I end up pregnant in a new(ish) relationship, no secure job and well.. no secure anything let’s be honest. Sounds like a pretty bad story and i could talk about the struggles of pregnancy and how the hormones made me cry for about half of it, how I’d ache but it was actually the best thing to ever happen to me. Failed contraception, you kicked me in the ass to go and get my life together because it wasn’t all about me anymore and I am thankful for that. Over 2 years later and here i am engaged and pregnant with my second child, living in a house with my partner and my wonderful daughter and i just have to thank you. The real hormone journey will begin for me after I have this next child and i start my own hunt for long term contraception (not condoms only I’ve learnt)
Dear Body,
I often feel disconnected by you. I try to avoid you. I shy away from your reelection. When they told me my flat chest would grow, when they told me a would have to change as my body changed, I prayed to god to keep you shapeless. I prayed that I could hide you, I prayed I could be left alone. When they said my actions, my feelings, had to match the vagina you had and the breasts you would have, I was lost. When you changed, when I no longer could hide you, when others began to be uncomfortable by your presence, I no longer could ignore you. Before you grew, before you changed I was just me, Now I am you, that is all they see. Each month I find I have discomfort in not just you but me. I no longer just want to hide you but I want to hide as well. You have caused me ridicule, shame and hatred. You have shackled me. When you bleed, I am reminder of how I am wrong and gross. Yet, some days you are beautiful. It is not you I am mad at, it’s the world for expecting me to understand you, and match you, that as caused the turmoil. You are me, no matter the disconnect, I am proud that we are different, I am proud we are complicated, I am proud to be housed in your shell. I love you but you do not dictated my gender, my way of life, my identity, you are just you, and together we make up me.
Dear combined pill,
Thank you for stabilising my crazy PMS mood swings so that I could get my mental illness diagnosis and treatment. My brain was a ticking time bomb that was masked by hormonal highs and lows, and now I have control of my health.
Sincerely,
– Rebecca
P.S.: also thanks for sorting out those nasty cramps. It’s super nice not puking from pain most months now!
Dear Body,
I often feel disconnected by you. I try to avoid you. I shy away from your reelection. When they told me my flat chest would grow, when they told me a would have to change as my body changed, I prayed to god to keep you shapeless. I prayed that I could hide you, I prayed I could be left alone. When they said my actions, my feelings, had to match the vagina you had and the breasts you would have, I was lost. When you changed, when I no longer could hide you, when others began to be uncomfortable by your presence, I no longer could ignore you. Before you grew, before you changed I was just me, Now I am you, that is all they see. Each month I find I have discomfort in not just you but me. I no longer just want to hide you but I want to hide. You have caused me ridicule, shame and hatred. You have shackled me. When you bleed, I am reminder of how I am wrong and gross. Yet, some days you are beautiful. It is not you I am mad at, it’s the world for expecting me to understand you, and match you, that as caused the turmoil. You are me, no matter the disconnect, I am proud that we are different, I am proud we are complicated, I am proud to be housed in your shell. I love you but you do not dictated my gender, my way of life, my identity, you are just you, and together we make up me.
Dear MIRENA (coil),
THANK YOU for making my last two years so easy, I really appreciate you taking the periods away and not making anything hurt, or grow, or bleed or any of the above. You’re really great, I wish you gave other people such a good time too, cause I think I might be in love.
Sarah
Dear hormones,
WTF! It has been a crazy ride going on for four years now. After six years on the pill I get off it to see what you hormones would do. You had been horrible before the pill and would cause periods that lasted weeks with not a lot of time in between, you were mean and horrible and that is why I went to the pill in the first place. However after research and knowing that the want for children was coming I stopped the pill so that I could figure out how we worked together without interference. And at first it seemed fine, two normal cycles similar to the pill cycles. Then a stress fracture to the foot around the time you should have been allowing a period and I chalked it up to too much stress on the body and you for said period. Six months later foot healed and still ZERO SIGN of you DOING YOUR F-ING JOB and it was time to get the doctor involved.
So off to the OBGYN we went to be given a pill to help you do your job. After a year of needing that pill every three months to help you, and being told that I probably had PCOS(nothing done to confirm you were within normal levels), something I still don’t think to be true given our current status together, and with going to acupuncture and taking some herbs you finally decided you knew what to do again at THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME! We were at a wake for a friends mother in a completely different state with nothing to protect the clothes and boy did you cause the uterus to expel what it had been holding onto since you couldn’t DO YOUR F-ING JOB every month until now, I had refused to take the hormone pill to help you since I really wanted to be done with hormones helping you.
It has still been an interesting year and half since you got your shit together. Having 17 day to 77 day long cycles, though I will give you some credit most of the time it was within 32 to 40 day cycles, credit where credit is due. But still not sure why you think it is okay to have me bleed then stop then start again within the next two days max, and be back to the really long period thing, but I’ll take it for now since it still means that at least you are kind of doing what you are suppose to do which is regulate my bodily functions, so YAY YOU HORMONES! It has been a crazy four years, here to hoping you keep your shit together and DO YOUR JOB!
Megan
Dear my boobs. I love you dearly – you’re so warm and friendly, you let me hold you when I’m bored or when I’m absentmindedly watching a film. You look so great in my t-shirts and you’re the perfect size for me. I really should make some effort and buy new bralettes for you to sit in because I know it’s comfy. However, despite this exuberant love I have for you, I fear I’ve mistreated you. I’ve let you be grabbed to rough, be ungraciously stared at. Worst of all, I’ve exposed you to the unforgiving sun, and let it’s rays penetrate your tender skin deeper than I thought it could. I need to be careful, gracious boobs, because hidden evils under your soft surface was the thing that killed my mother before me.
Dear the doctors who did not feel confident giving me contraception. In October of last year I started the pill rigevidon, after two months of using it (on December 23rd 2017) I was almost admitted to hospital due to the inability to eat, sleep or stand without keeling over in pain and screaming – after dealing with the symptoms for two weeks. After heavy dosages of painkillers, lasting almost a month and being taken off the pill, I was never given an explanation, justification or cause to what had happened. They simply said ‘you are okay and that’s all that matters now’.
Now in late September of 2018 I have been seen four different nurses, a gastroenterologist (to see if the pill affected my stomach lining) and three gynaecologist of which all said they do not feel confident in giving me any controception due to the way my body reacted last time. Each time they say I am not an urgent case because I am not currently having sex. But dear doctors, I shall only say it once but please listen: PEOPLE WHO USE HORMONE CONTRACEPTIVES DON’T ONLY USE THEM SO THEY CAN HAVE SEX WITHOUT GETTING PREGNANT. I was on them due to extreme period pain and heavy flow and without them each period I have means a day or two off because of the pain. So once again, dear doctors who would not give me contraception: I may only be one case from your working week but please spend the time to help me, you may never see me again but I will remember all you did for me forever. Love, Robbie
Dear migraine,
You started turning up after one year of being on my first contraceptive pill, Microgynon. Each month I came to expect your sharp pulses of pain behind my eye socket as you crept up to my forehead, dulling my thoughts and making lights glow like beacons. I could feel your fog descend on my brain and knew that if I was fortunate this time, I could fend you off with ibuprofen. But frequently you would hit despite my best attempts at defence. The only thing to do was lie in a cool, dark room until you decided to leave. Sunny days in summer, weekends with my boyfriend, a friend’s birthday – you took them all from me.
In time, I realised you were being caused by the steep drop in estrogen that would occur each time I took my break week from the combined pill. I tried to limit your visits, taking pill packets consecutively so you only appeared once every three months. Thankfully a doctor with sense transferred me onto the progesterone-only pill. That was it. I haven’t seen you in over a year now, and with luck I will never see you again.
Yours, finally free of you,
Rachel
Dear my hormonal migraines,
It took us two years of monthly migraines before we realised that you were actually occurring at the same time as when I would have my period. All because you started years before my period did. You were incredibly ahead of the game.
Once I started getting my period we began being able to predict your arrival like clockwork. The night of the second day of my period (the heaviest day), along with all of the awful cramps across my stomach and back, you would arrive between 11 pm and 3 am. On the nights when I was prepared the asprin would be ready on my bedside table. At 12 years old I was having 3x the dose most adults should have been having. But it worked. Within an hour I could fall asleep and when I awoke in the morning you would be gone.
The bad days were the ones where I forgot or the odd occasion when you would arrive unexpectedly. Often by the time I realised it was a migraine and not just a headache it would be to late and you would stay with me for hours, the pain so bad I would puke… The worst part was that your unexpected arrivals always happened in times of stress. Including throughout both lots of exams in my final year of high school
Now however, we get along much better. According to my doctor I am not allowed to be on any contraception that involves the use of oestrogen as that will make you much worse. So we are currently trying the Implanon Implant and I love it. I’ve had the implant for six months now and you’ve only visited twice. I will take the irregular bleeding and your unplanned arrivals as long as it means that I wont have to take days out of my life because I couldn’t sleep as you had visited during the night and not wanted to leave. I am heading in to university next year and it looks as though this will make all the difference, allowing me to enjoy my uni life and not have a repeat of Year 12.
Dear f***ing period.
You came when I was 12. I had no idea what was happening to me, I freaked out. I thought I was sick, but my school nurse told me it was natural. “It’s only your period, it happens to all girls”. I was even more confused, if only girls got their period, then why did I get it?
Around the same time my boobs started growing, those two balls of fat on my chest I had told my mum I would never have. I remember crying, what was happening to me? I was turning into a mutant.
I tried to hide my period, stealing pads from my mum and finding excuses to go to the nurse’s office every time it happened. I managed to hide it for almost 6 months, but eventually my mum noticed the pads disappearing and talked to me. She was all giddy and excited of course, I had to force a smile.
At 14, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had read that if you’re underweight your period disappears, so I stopped eating. It didn’t take long for my parents to notice. They sent me to a therapist, one that would not listen to me. At this stage I knew what being transgender meant, and I wanted to bring it up with my therapist, but he just brushed it off and told me to get to the “real” problem. I didn’t go again.
For the next 3 years I would go between skipping meals and throwing up, and my period didn’t appear once. But I was tired of the constant fatigue, of looking like a skeleton, of not having any energy, I wanted to live again. So I started eating, a lot. I believed in the phase “go big or go home” and I stuffed my face till I was ready to pop. I gained 7 kgs within the first month, and then 13 kgs more over the next 6 months. It still took almost a year for my period to come back, and for a while I thought it never would, and I was ecstatic.
Of course, when my body had been at a healthy weight for a while, it came back, and what I now know is called gender dysphoria, appeared all over again. At age 19 I still haven’t started hormones, and my period comes every. f***ing. month.
Dear period, you are the reason I developed an eating disorder, you are the reason for a lot of pain and suffering in my life, you are the reason I lost some very good friends. Now, since guys aren’t even supposed to have periods, could you very kindly just fuck off?
Dear Implant,
You’ve been inside me for a little over a year now (hehe) and all I can say is THANKYOU!!! I’m so grateful that because of you I never have to worry about accidental pregnancy due to missing a pill or a condom breaking, and that my body has reacted well to you. Beyond all else I am SOOOOO FREAKING GLAD to say that because of you I haven’t had a period in over a year, you make travelling, swimming and spontaneous sex that bit more enjoyable and less stressful.
Sometimes I feel guilty when I hear other stories from girls who you have not been so kind to, whom you have made bleed profusely or wacked up their moods. It sucks that you cant wave your magic little rod over everyone.
Dear f***ing period.
You came when I was 12. I had no idea what was happening to me, I freaked out. I thought I was sick, but my school nurse told me it was natural. “It’s only your period, it happens to all girls”. I was even more confused, if only girls got their period, then why did I get it?
Around the same time my boobs started growing, those two balls of fat on my chest I had told my mum I would never have. I remember crying, what was happening to me? I was turning into a mutant.
I tried to hide my period, stealing pads from my mum and finding excuses to go to the nurse’s office every time it happened. I managed to hide it for almost 6 months, but eventually my mum noticed the pads disappearing and talked to me. She was all giddy and excited of course, I had to force a smile.
At 14, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had read that if you’re underweight your period disappears, so I stopped eating. It didn’t take long for my parents to notice. They sent me to a therapist, one that would not listen to me. At this stage I knew what being transgender meant, and I wanted to bring it up with my therapist, but he just brushed it off and told me to get to the “real” problem. I didn’t go again.
For the next 3 years I would go between skipping meals and throwing up, and my period didn’t appear once. But I was tired of the constant fatigue, of looking like a skeleton, of not having any energy, I wanted to live again. So I started eating, a lot. I believed in the phase “go big or go home” and I stuffed my face till I was ready to pop. I gained 7 kgs within the first month, and then 13 kgs more over the next 6 months. It still took almost a year for my period to come back, and for a while I thought it never would, and I was ecstatic.
Of course, when my body had been at a healthy weight for a while, it came back, and what I now know is called gender dysphoria, appeared all over again. At age 19 I still haven’t started hormones, and my period comes every. f***ing. month.
Dear period, you are the reason I developed an eating disorder, you are the reason for a lot of pain and suffering in my life, you are the reason I lost some very good friends. Now, since guys aren’t even supposed to have periods, could you very kindly just f*ck off?
(I’m sorry if this got posted twice, my laptop is kinda freaking out??)
Dear Cerelle,
You made everything better.
One pill every day – so simple, so routine.
You made sex great and free
– no condoms to buy, more intimacy.
My great highs and my terrible lows
became manageable variation of a standard Jo.
Cramps, bleeding and days just lost,
Became days of the past, at little cost.
Occasional spotting would bring a sigh,
But still, cramps had waved goodbye.
You were the first, so simple, so routine,
Replaced by an implant, so easy, and free,
You stayed by my side through the following weeks,
Preventing headaches and spots that would’ve made it bleak.
Now at the back of the drawer,
No longer a daily, sometimes almost forgotten chore,
No more panic on days I took you almost too late,
No daily pills to remember and take.
You were my friend while I was eighteen.
You were the first, so simple, so routine.
By Jo Rees, progesterone only pill, UK
Dear vaginismus,
You prevented me from penetrative sex for 5 years, from when I was 17 to 22.
You were a constant thought that came back to my head every time I felt happy. You were an obsession and a stress that formed a huge weight on my mind. You were a feeling of abnormality, of injustice even. You were a jealous feeling when I heard my friends talking about their experiences. You were the hate I had of my body not working “normally”. You were a doubt in myself, maybe I was just crazy maybe it was just just weak, too sensitive, maybe I overreacted and everyone had pain when trying to have sex. You were a comparison with others, in films, in books, in real life. Why was I not like them? You were a feeling of missing out, being left out, of having one aspect of human life that I would never get to experience. You were a therapy I started to try to make you disappear, which still didn’t make me understand why you were there. You were the disappointment that I felt from partners that could not have sex with me, the guilt that I made them feel not wanted, not good enough.
You are still a frustration of not being able to insert a tampon but that is a minor inconvenience. You are still a fear that maybe this time you will block me, limit me once again.
Now I managed to beat you and finally have sex last year.
I don’t know why you appeared in my life. But now I feel so much relief, bliss, gratefulness, awe, intense happiness that I get to have sex, that I am allowed to enjoy myself, to experience this facet of human experience.
Sincerely yours,
Dear SPD,
You made the majority of my first pregnancy unbearable. Know one ever tells you that it can happen. I had to get signed off of work from 20 weeks pregnant as I couldn’t sit long, stand long or lay down long. The constant pain of you was taken away as soon as my baby girl was born.
SPD I do not miss you, please don’t come again!
Dear vaginismus,
You prevented me from penetrative sex for 5 years, from when I was 17 to 22.
You were a constant thought that came back to my head every time I felt happy. You were an obsession and a stress that formed a huge weight on my mind. You were a feeling of abnormality, of injustice even. You were a jealous feeling when I heard my friends talking about their experiences. You were the hate I had of my body not working “normally”. You were a doubt in myself, maybe I was just crazy maybe it was just just weak, too sensitive, maybe I overreacted and everyone had pain when trying to have sex. You were a comparison with others, in films, in books, in real life. Why was I not like them? You were a feeling of missing out, being left out, of having one aspect of human life that I would never get to experience. You were a therapy I started to try to make you disappear, which still didn’t make me understand why you were there. You were the disappointment of partners that couldn’t have sex with me, a guilt that I was making them feel not wanted, not good enough.
You are still a frustration of not being able to insert a tampon but that is a minor inconvenience. You are still a fear that maybe this time you will block me, limit me once again.
Now I managed to beat you and finally have sex last year.
I don’t know why you appeared in my life. But now I feel so much relief, bliss, gratefulness, awe, intense happiness that I get to have sex, that I am allowed to enjoy myself, to experience this facet of human experience.
Sincerely yours,
Dear menstrual cup,
We have been friends for almost two years now and you have taught me so much. I wanted to thank you for that. You were a little difficult to get used to at the beginning, but you have taught me not to treat my period blood with disgust, but to embrace it. Thanks to you I do not do see it as a waste or burden that I must quickly get rid off. You helped me to understand my body better and to appreciate its incredible ability to give life. I now realise and recognise that my period is a privilege that I must not take for granted. You save me time and money, while also making me feel a little less guilty as a consuming human on this limited resourced earth. You are always there at the rescue, once a month, so discreet and easy to pop in. I might have to say goodbye soon as I want to adopt the UTI and apparently you girls